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There Once Was A Bowl From Nantucket

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College football bowl season begins Tuesday with the New Orleans bowl and lasts 16 days through January 4 with the Rose Bowl.

[ADBLOCKHERE]With 28 bowl games, 56 teams aim to end the season with a win. And certainly not everyone has the time to watch 60 minutes from every bowl game.

But how about five lines of poetry?

Now that bowl season is about to get underway, here are 28 profound limericks, one for each game, hopefully to whet your appetite for the next two weeks.

(While I make predictions in most of the limericks, please don’t whip out your angry sticks quite yet. Admittedly I am wrong more than I’m right, and more often than not I made a prediction simply because it was easier to put in prose.)

(All times eastern)

Wyndham New Orleans Bowl

December 20
8 p.m. – ESPN
Cajun Field, Lafayette, La.
Southern Missouri (6-5)
vs. Arkansas State (6-5)

Bowl season starts in Lafayette
Where Southern Miss is a safe bet
To annihilate
Poor Arkansas State
‘Cause Sun Belt teams are never a threat


December 21
8 p.m. – ESPN
Ladd Peebles Stadium – Mobile, Ala.
Texas-El Paso (8-3)
vs. Toledo (8-3)

Toledo and UTEP will clash
Both teams can score points in a flash
I went to BG
So I must agree
That UTEP will kick UT’s ass

Pioneer Pure Vision Las Vegas Bowl

December 22
10:30 p.m. – ESPN
Sam Boyd Stadium – Las Vegas, Nev.
Brigham Young (6-5)
vs. California (7-4)

Cal-Berkeley is my pick to win
The game in the City of Sin
Though BYU’s fine
They’re just 6-5
Plus, Vegas ain’t fit for a Mormon

San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl

December 22
8 p.m. – ESPN2
Qualcomm Stadium, San Diego, Calif.
Colorado State (6-5)
vs. Navy (7-4)

The Navy team runs the ball great
(Best in the country, they rate)
Please pardon the pun
But the seamen will run
All over Colorado State

Fort Worth BowlFort Worth Bowl

December 23
8 p.m. – ESPN
Amon G. Carter Stadium – Fort Worth, Texas
Kansas (6-5)
vs. Houston (6-5)

A typical ‘O’ vs. ‘D’ theme
With two teams not very mainstream
Houston scores early
‘Cause Kansas is surely
Concerned ’bout their basketball team

Sheraton Hawaii Bowl

December 24
8:30 p.m. – ESPN
Aloha Stadium, Honolulu, Hawaii
Nevada (8-3)
vs. Central Florida (8-4)

UCF has never played
Nevada, but they’re not afraid
Even if they play bad
Nobody leaves sad
Cause in Hawaii you’ll still get lei’d

Motor City Bowl

December 26
5:30 p.m. – ESPN
Ford Field, Detroit, Mich.
Memphis (6-5)
vs. Akron (7-5)

If Akron vs. Memphis sounds thrillin’
Go watch cause the seats won’t be fillin’
Except for perhaps
Some lovable chaps
With signs that will say “FIRE MILLEN”

Champs Sports Bowl

December 27
5 p.m. – ESPN
Florida Citrus Bowl, Orlando, Florida
Clemson (7-4)
vs. Colorado (7-5)

With all of the off-field news
Colorado will hear lots of boos
Since Barnett got the boot
Put all of your loot
On Clemson, ’cause no way they’ll lose

Insight Bowl

December 27
8:30 p.m. – ESPN
Bank One Ballpark, Phoenix, Ariz.
Arizona State (6-5)
vs. Rutgers (7-4)

The last time that Rutgers went bowlin’
Arizona State controlled ’em
They’ll get the same fate
Just like ’78
So the Jersey Knights will need consolin’

MPC Computers Bowl

December 28
4:30 p.m. – ESPN
Bronco Stadium, Boise, Idaho
Boise State (9-3)
vs. Boston College (8-3)

With Boise State playing at home
I’m sure Boston College will moan
That they had trouble ownin’
Their bluish opponent
While playing on stupid blue foam

Mastercard Alamo Bowl

December 28
8 p.m. – ESPN
Alamodome, San Antonio, Texas
Michigan (7-4)
vs. Nebraska (7-4)

Nebraska and Michigan decide
The ’97 championship tie
UM will score plenty
Thanks to Chad Henne
Final score: 41-25

Emerald Bowl

December 29
4:30 p.m. – ESPN
SBC Park: San Francisco, Calif.
Georgia Tech (7-4)
vs. Utah (6-5)

Last year Utah went undefeated
But this year they’re much more depleted
Urban Meyer left with
Their star Alex Smith
So Georgia Tech’s win should be heeded

Pacific Life Holiday Bowl

December 29
8 p.m. – ESPN
Qualcomm Stadium, San Diego, Calif.
Oklahoma vs. Oregon
Oregon (10-1)
vs. Oklahoma (7-4)

Oklahoma just can’t pass
Their season will wrap up alas
When Oregon succeeds
The Sooners will concede
“Our team sure got Ducked up the ass!”

Gaylor Hotels Music City Bowl

December 30
Noon – ESPN
The Coliseum, Nashville, Tenn.
Minnesota (7-4)
vs. Virginia (6-5)

Virginia does not have a prayer
Against Minnesota’s top player
Maroney will find
Holes in the D-Line
As his talent barely compares

Vitalis Sun Bowl

December 30
Noon – CBS
Sun Bowl Stadium, El Paso, Texas
Northwestern (7-4)
vs. UCLA (9-2)

Northwestern and Brett Basanez
Do battle with UCLA
The scoreboard will light
All through the night
Though the Bruins’ll have the better day.

Independence Bowl

December 30
3:30 p.m. – ESPN
Independence Stadium, Shreveport, La.
South Carolina (7-4)
vs. Missouri (6-5)

Mizzou had a just-OK year
South Carolina’s glad to be here
But Steve Spurrier’s back
And his plan of attack
Will help his Gamecocks persevere

Chick Fil-A Peach Bowl

December 30
7:30 p.m. – ESPN
Georgia Dome, Atlanta, Ga.
Miami (9-2)
vs. Louisiana State (10-2)

“This game sure has BCS cred,”
Miami and LSU said
Both teams have two losses
But the ‘Canes two Mosses
(Sinorice, Tyrone) will pull ahead

Meineke Car Care Bowl

December 31
11 a.m. – ESPN2
Bank of America Stadium, Charlotte, N.C.
South Florida (6-5)
vs. North Carolina State (6-5)

South Florida’s brimming with glee
Their first bowl in team history
Which means N.C. State
(A team that’s not great)
Will ultimately lose by three

AutoZone Liberty Bowl

December 31
1 p.m. – ESPN
Liberty Bowl Memorial Stadium, Memphis, Tenn.
Tulsa (8-4)
vs. Fresno State (8-4)

Two teams with mid-major awe
Will suit up for this classic draw
But Tulsa is toast
‘Cause Fresno almost
Gave USC’s season a flaw

EV1.net Houston Bowl

December 31
2:30 p.m. – ESPN2
Reliant Stadium, Houston, Texas
Texas Christian (10-1)
vs. Iowa State (7-4)

Iowa State will lose to
The Horned Frogs of TCU
This guy has no doubt
The people will shout
“Man, the Cyclones really blew!”

Outback Bowl

January 2
11 a.m. – ESPN
Raymond James Stadium, Tampa, Fla.
Iowa (7-4)
vs. Florida (8-3)

For Iowa to pull the upset
They’ll have to often intercept
Florida’s Chris Leak
So Gator fans can shriek
On FireUrbanMeyer.net

SBC Cotton Bowl Classic

January 2
11 a.m. – FOX
Cotton Bowl Stadium, Dallas, Texas
Texas Tech (9-2)
vs. Alabama (9-2)

The Alabama Crimson Tide
Will roll over Texas Tech’s pride
If Bob Knight were coachin’
He might be approachin’
Some chairs that he could throw aside

Toyota Gator Bowl

January 2
12:30 p.m. – NBC
Alltel Stadium, Jacksonville, Fla.
Louisville (9-2)
vs. Virginia Tech (10-2)

Virginia Tech’s the easy pick
Mainly ’cause of Marcus Vick
Since Louisville lacks
Their main quarterback
The Hokies will pour it on thick

Capital One Bowl

January 2
1 p.m. – ABC
Florida Citrus Bowl, Orlando, Fla.
Wisconsin (9-3)
vs. Auburn (9-2)

Auburn will not win with ease
Instead they’ll be brought to their knees
Wisconsin will carve ’em
As if they had Favre and
They won’t even wear hats of cheese

Tostitos Fiesta Bowl

January 2
4:30 p.m. – ABC
Sun Devil Stadium, Tempe, Ariz.
Notre Dame (9-2)
vs. Ohio State (9-2)

A guaranteed back and forth game
Ohio State and Notre Dame
The Irish would win
Except Brady Quinn
Will not survive A.J. Hawk’s frame

Nokia Sugar Bowl

January 2
8:30 p.m. – ABC
Georgia Dome, Atlanta, Ga.
West Virginia (10-1)
vs. Georgia (10-2)

Don’t think West Virginia gets beaten
Just ’cause the whole Big East is fleetin’
A very close game
Will probably tame
The Bulldogs of Georgia this meetin’

FedEx Orange Bowl

January 3
8 p.m. – ABC
Pro Player Stadium, Miami, Fla.
Penn State (10-1)
vs. Florida State (8-4)

“Paterno, he’s just way too old,”
All of the sportswriters told
No way was he done
Penn State’s 10-1
And ready to smack down the ‘Noles

Rose Bowl Game Presented by Citi

January 4
8 p.m. – ABC
Rose Bowl, Pasadena, Calif.
Bowl Matchup: USC vs. Texas
Southern California (12-0)
vs. Texas (12-0)

Bowl season reaches its nexus
As USC rumbles with Texas
The game will be classic
And maybe jurassic
No way will I try to predict this

Leinart and Young make the grade
But Bush got this year’s accolades
Though fans may be torn
One thing is forlorn:
Sitting through that goddamned parade

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About Suss

  • Suss, you are a very sick man.

    This is very well done, sir. Even some of your picks are right!


  • DJRadiohead,

    Thanks. You wouldn’t believe how long some of those rhymes took to brew up.

    Your friendly neighborhood Caucasian,

  • I can certainly believe how long some of those took.

    You just needed to find a way to make a 1-900-MikePrice rhyme in the UTEP game. Otherwise it was perfect.

    Your friendly Crimson Tide fan,

  • A Mike Price punchline? Too easy.

    Besides, Toledo coach Tom Amstutz is morbidly obese, and since I’m a BG grad it’s more fun to take shots at UT football.

    We like to do that the years they beat us. It makes us feel better about ourselves. Especially in years we lose in double overtime, and don’t go to a bowl despite being 6-5.