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The Twelve Days of College Football Bowl Season

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Yes yes… key of A major. Mezzo forte, please. Eyes forward, everyone, and hold those nachos high. It’s time to celebrate bowl season in the only way we know: bloated comedy conceits.

I mean, song.

And a one and a two and…

On the first day of bowl season, the bowl system gave to me a Ute in a San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia ‘tree’.

On the second day of bowl season, the bowl system gave to me two student-athletes suspended for the game after an unfortunate incident involving a kiddie swimming pool filled with hurricanes, a rudimentary understanding of the concept of ‘impromptu swimming suits’, and the Times-Picayune Webcams at the New Orleans Bowl and a Ute in a San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia ‘tree’.

On the third day of bowl season, the bowl system gave to me three convenient excuses to blow off Christmas shopping for family, two suspended student-athletes, and a Ute in a San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia ‘tree’.

On the fourth day of bowl season, the bowl system gave to me four state of Hawaii court-mandated booth shots of Terry Gannon and David Norrie in loud floral print shirts, three convenient excuses to blow off family, two student-athletes suspended, and a Ute in a San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia ‘tree’.

On the fifth day of bowl season, the bowl system gave to me five chances to nap away the bloated excesses of the previous day during the always-thrilling Motor City Bowl! Four looks at loudass shirts, three convenient excuses to ignore the family, two student-athletes suspended, and a Ute in a San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia ‘tree’.

On the sixth day of bowl season, the bowl system gave to me six chances to laugh at kinesiology majors until it becomes clear that’s totally a legitimate way to trick co-eds into “studying all night for my final” and then cracking open another beer in disgust, five boredom-induced naps!, four looks at loudass shirts, three convenient excuses to ignore the family, two student-athletes suspended, and a Ute in a San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia ‘tree’.

On the seventh day of bowl season, the bowl system gave to me seven “deez nuts” Emerald Bowl jokes from Boston College fans that really only seem funny after a day of slovenly drinking through their 97th annual “could have been” bowl appearance a few hours before, six kinesiology majors, five boredom-induced naps!, four looks at loudass shirts, three convenient excuses to ignore the family, two student-athletes suspended, and a Ute in a San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia ‘tree’.

On the eighth day of bowl season, the bowl system gave to me eight straight hours of car repair and gasoline ads, enough to raise the temperature of the Earth by one degree and cause Nittany Lions to go extinct, seven “deez nuts” jokes, six kinesiology majors, five boredom-induced naps!, four looks at loudass shirts, three convenient excuses to ignore the family, two student-athletes suspended, and a Ute in a San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia ‘tree’.

On the ninth day of bowl season, the bowl system gave to me nine chances before halftime for Nick Saban to “listen to other schools”, eight hours of car repair and gasoline ads, seven “deez nuts” jokes, six kinesiology majors, five boredom-induced naps!, four looks at loudass shirts, three convenient excuses to ignore the family, two student-athletes suspended, and a Ute in a San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia ‘tree’.

On the tenth and eleventh day of bowl season, the bowl system gave to me the best 36 hours of a sports fan’s year. At least you got that right, you greedy bastards in your brightly colored bowl committee blazers and your complete lack of shame in riding college students for millions of dollars in return for a few thousand in tuition fees…

erm.

…nine chances to “listen to other schools”, eight hours of car repair and gasoline ads, seven “deez nuts” jokes, six kinesiology majors, five boredom-induced naps! (zee zee zee zee!), four looks at loudass shirts, three convenient excuses to ignore the family, two student-athletes suspended, and a Ute in a San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia ‘tree’.

For the rest of the bowl season, the bowl system gave to me the best remaining teams of a fairly underwhelming season (with the exception of the International Bowl and GMAC Bowl, who should be totally ashamed of themselves for pushing back their game days to be associated with the big dogs and can go back to early December now, thank you very much). If we all live through all 32 games over 18 days, we’ll get together afterwards and have a drink to celebrate. Assuming we don’t need to be on a liver transplant list by then or be cut from our homes and carried out with a fork lift so we can be on Tyra Banks’ show, of course.

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