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The Top Ten Reasons I’m Voting For Sarah Palin

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(10) Keeping her properly attired could be all the stimulus our economy needs to avoid a deep and lengthy recession.

(9) If McCain and Palin are elected, I will have to laugh to keep from crying. And there will be frequent, perhaps daily, reasons to do the same during their administration. Laughter is the best medicine and I want to stay healthy. (When McCain is done with health care reform, I won’t be able to afford getting sick.)

(8) What doesn’t kill me, makes me stronger. I feel pretty strong having survived Bush-Cheney. A term or two of Palin and McPain and I’ll be ready for the Iron-Man Competition.

(7) Her skills in shooting wolves from helicopters makes her the most likely candidate to nail Bin Laden. I only hope she’ll resist the urge to skin and cube him. That could inflame Muslim sentiment against us and provide the terrorists with additional recruits.

(6) Assuming that she gets a term or two of her own after McCain leaves office, we will be well on our way to achieving Mac’s goal of staying in Iraq for a hundred years.

(5) By staying in Iraq, sending more troops to Afghanistan, and taking on Iran and perhaps North Korea, we can hasten the collapse of our military and the end of our status as a superpower. Then, if Paul Kennedy puts out a new edition of his book The Rise and Fall of the Great Powers, we’ll get a chapter all about us.

(4) Bush has let us down by failing to bring on Armageddon, and thus the Rapture. Bible Spice could get us there. (Of course, Bush still has nearly three more months to get the job done.)

(3) The Democrats love to “tax and spend.” The Republicans know that voters don’t want to pay taxes. “Borrow and spend” is a lot more fun. Sure, our children and grandchildren will get stuck with the bill, but we sacrificed to raise them. The least they can do in return is cover the bills for a few more years of us living beyond our means.

(2) Bush’s smug, irritating personality has kept me from watching the news for eight years. Palin’s smug, irritating personality will keep that ball rolling. Although I might be tempted to watch with the sound off because –

The number one reason I am voting for Sarah Palin is –

Although she’s not as hot as Paris Hilton, she is hot! And realistically, as a write-in candidate, Paris is a long-shot to win this year. Although the effectiveness of her video Paris for President could make this a very tight race.

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About Winston Apple

Winston Apple is the author of "Edutopia: A Manifesto for the Reform of Public Education." He is a former teacher. He has a Masters Degree in Curriculum and Instruction from the University of Missouri at Kansas City (1990). He is also a singer-songwriter and recording artist.
  • http://www.indyboomer46.blogspot.com Baritone

    I liked a cartoon in a recent New Yorker Magazine showing a couple of guys shooting at wolves from a helicopter saying:

    “Those who think it’s easy to shoot wolves from a helicopter didn’t factor in the alcohol.”

    Not bad.

    B

  • John

    I like Sarah’s high pitched voice. It drives rodents away.

  • http://www.republicofdave.com Dave Nalle

    Here in Texas they just drop poisoned food from the choppers to take out Coyote packs.

    As for Sarah’s voice, I believe it’s designed to paralyze voles and marmots.

    Dave

  • http://ex-conservative.blogspot.com Glenn Contrarian

    In all honesty, I WOULD vote for Paris Hilton before I’d vote for Palin. That little ‘problem solved’ video Paris put out a couple months ago showed more self-honesty than I’ve yet seen with Palin.

    To me, that’s important. If one doesn’t know something that he or she SHOULD know…and yet takes NO action to correct that deficiency, that person should NOT be in ANY political office. Palin was asked FOUR times over THREE months what the job of the Vice President was…and she got it wrong FOUR times.

    Tell me, my fellow business owners – would YOU hire someone who got their job description wrong FOUR times (out of FOUR tries) in THREE months? No? Then how could you want this woman a heartbeat away from the nuclear trigger?

    Paris for PRESIDENT! At least no one will complain if she uses a cigar…and the French will suddenly be our #1 ally!

  • Condor

    Winston,

    You should write satire! In fact, you should probably put this piece under the satire caveat.

  • Cannonshop

    I’d like to see any ONE of you Democrats hit something wolf-sized from a Helicopter, using a rifle.

    Seriously. Especially if it’s moving.

    Ask any door-gunner, it’s hard enough hitting a HUMAN with a MACHINE GUN from a chopper, wolves are small targets. I know the AH-64 jocks make it look easy using that chin-mount chain-gun, but that thing’s gyrostabilized and has a host of enhancements, including laser-boresighting, computer controls, and a stability programme that can hold the muzzle absolutely still while the airframe is dancing like a spastic on Meth.

  • Lisa Solod Warren

    Cannon, I had no idea hitting a wolf from a helicopter was something to which I should aspire. I shall put it on my list of Things To Do After The Election. Thanks much!

  • http://www.indyboomer46.blogspot.com Baritone

    Obviously, Cannon had a reason for picking his moniker.

    B

  • http://ex-conservative.blogspot.com Glenn Contrarian

    C-shop –

    I’d have to agree with you. Hitting anything wolf-sized from a helicopter would be daunting, at best.

    And as for myself, I shot off a .50 cal and an M-60 (ONE time only for each), and I can verify that it’s damned hard to hit anything – but I DID hit what I was shooting at.

    The target I hit? It was the water. We were underway and I honestly think I couldn’t have hit the broad side of a barn. All we sailors were doing were getting training to repel boarders.

    Hey – seagoing sailors are not the ones you want beside you in a firefight. We are the ones that you want to keep your logistics train intact and unthreatened from stateside to the boots on the ground.

  • http://www.glosslip.com Dawn

    You forgot to mention how less cluttered the libraries would be once she removed all the offensive material the liberals having been busy lining the shelves with. Like you know, Harry Potter, My Daddy’s Roommate and my personal favorite, Junie B. Jones First Grader At Last!

  • Cindy D

    Cannon,

    “I’d like to see any ONE of you Democrats hit something wolf-sized from a Helicopter, using a rifle.”

    “…it’s hard…wolves are small targets.”

    Yes, it is hard. That’s why they fly very low. repeatedly firing and wounding the animal. It bites at its own flesh and tries to escape with each hit. They just keep shooting it over and over. Not killing it. Merely wounding it. Chasing the bleeding, injured animal until they tire it out. Then when the animal is so exhausted and hurt that it can no longer escape, they land and finish it off at close range.

    It’s very manly Cannon. Quite the stuff of praise.

  • Cindy D

    I don’t think it’s quite the thing for most Democrats though Cannon. Blood-thirst and trying to prove that’s not really a gym-sock in your drawers by hurting things is more of a Republican pastime.

  • Clavos

    Blood-thirst and trying to prove that’s not really a gym-sock in your drawers by hurting things is more of a Republican pastime.

    And an enjoyable one it is, too, Cindy.

    I’ve never had the opportunity to hunt wolves from helicopters, but I have been hunting (and eating) all kinds of critters ever since my eighth birthday, when I received my first shotgun (a cut-down Savage .410/.22 over-and-under) as a birthday present. Bagged my first mallard with it later that year.

    Some of my best childhood and adolescent memories are of extended horseback hunting trips in the mountains and jungles of Mexico with my dad and his hunting buddies.

  • zingzing

    it’s just a combination of comments that are coming together to make this happen, but i am now imagining an 8-year-old clavos getting sprung on a duck. damn my luck.

    while there is something a little romantic (in one sense of the word) about hunting “the mountains and jungles of mexico” with old pops, there is nothing grand about shooting wolves from a damn helicopter.

  • Mooja

    Amazing the desire in this country to tear people down.

  • Cindy D

    Clav,

    I’m not against hunting. On the contrary, where I live deer, if not properly managed through hunting, would starve to death.

    But I would bet you Clav, that you would not be hunting wolves from helicopters or planes. I bet you that you aim for a clean kill. And I bet you you even take pride in a clean kill.

    That’s what would make you honorable in your hunt and different from a coward.

    On Halloween my husband and I spent the evening listening to some short stories. I was fortunate to find the entire story I am referencing online. It was called Lobster Night by Russell Banks. It has a description of a black bear being killed by one of the characters who owns a restaurant.

    The bear was struck high in the back and a tuft of black hair flew away from his chest where the bullet emerged. The crowd in the dining room groaned and cried out, “He’s shooting it! Oh, God, he’s shooting it!” A woman screeched, “Tell him to stop!” and children began to bawl. A man yelled, “For God’s sake, is he nuts?” Gail looked beseechingly at Stacy, who simply shook her head slowly from side to side, for she could do nothing to stop him now. No one could. People shouted and cried, a few sobbed, and children wailed, and Noonan fired a third time. He hit the bear in the shoulder and the animal spun around, still standing, searching for the source of this terrible pain, not understanding that he should look up, that the man with the rifle, barely fifty yards away, was positioned out of sight above him and, because of his extreme anger, because of his refusal to be impersonal in this grisly business, was unable to kill him, and so he wounded the poor creature again and again, in the chest, in a paw, and shot him through the muzzle, until finally the bear dropped to all fours and, unsure in which direction to flee, tumbled first away from the restaurant downhill toward the woods, and then, hit in the back, turned and came lumbering, bleeding and in pain, straight toward the deck, where Noonan fired one last shot, hitting the bear this time in the center of his forehead, and the bear rolled forward, as if he had accidentally tripped, and died.

    2 minute video footage of aerial wolf hunt

    I’m not against hunting Clav, I’m against barbarism.

  • http://www.parodieslost.typepad.com Mark Schannon

    Hold on a second, my friends! These posts are starting to get serious…a violation of the tone of Winston’s hilarious piece. (It was satire, right?)

    Other reasons to vote for Sarah “I’m So Cute” Palin:

    –She’s tough enough to take on the Lithuanian Secret Service (of which Michelle Obama is a paid member.)

    –As soon as she gets elected, she’s going to dump Bubba & marry Chuck Norris, which would be one of the great weddings of all time.

    –She’s secretly carrying John “Oops, My Face Fell Off” McCain’s love child & it would be tragic for the kid to have to grow up in Alaska.

    –Her approval rating is sinking so fast that she’s a shoo-in for the 2012 or 2016 prezidency.

    –And she is so hot…but, then again, so is my bride. Now that I think about it, I don’t need two hotties in my life, so forget that last one.

    In Jameson Veritas<>

  • Cindy D

    I agree Winston’s piece is hilarious!

    If Obama is a Marxist then Sarah Palin is “Neiman Marxist”.

  • http://www.parodieslost.typepad.com Mark Schannon

    Cindy D, FOFL

  • http://www.EurocriticsMagazine.com Christopher Rose

    Mark, you need to put http:// at the beginning of the link to your site in the little box above where you type in your comments, it won’t work otherwise and I’m tired of fixing them all retrospectively for you…

    Thanks

    Christopher Rose
    Blogcritics Comments Editor

    PS: Good to see you back here.

  • http://www.parodieslost.typepad.com Mark Schannon

    Chris…sorry…didn’t realize you were doing that for me. Won’t happen again–too many times. Remember, I have a brain cloud 😉

  • http://www.parodieslost.typepad.com Mark Schannon

    Oh, and thanks. It’s good to be back.

    In Jameson Veritas