Given that it’s the holiday season, I originally thought it would be nice to spread some positive vibes and title this article “The Top Ten Most Important People of 2008,” but that would have been boring, right?
This year’s douche bag list doesn’t discriminate between black, white, democrat, or republican. Here is the list you have been waiting all year to read.
10. OPRAH WINFREY
This year, Oprah has the distinction of being the most annoying white woman on the planet. In February, Oprah’s latest publicity stunt included posing with kids at her new “school” in Africa for a television special.
Oprah and her mindless, middle-aged housewife cult thought Oprah would surely become the new messiah she promotes herself as. Unfortunately, Oprah’s publicity stunt backfired on her as it was revealed that her school had become a haven for child abuse.
Oprah indicated that she had nothing to do with the abuse. She should have just admitted that after all the photo ops, the school wasn’t important anymore.
9. LARRY CRAIG
Beloved Senator Larry Craig from Idaho (get it: I da ho) has always been a staunch opponent of gay rights. It’s sort of ironic that Mr. Craig was caught playing Dorothy Footsie in a bathroom stall on June 11, 2007.
Apparently, he was trying to get an undercover police officer to get “Into the Groove” but the officer said, “Don’t Rain on My Parade.” Since the arrest, several gay men have come forward to give detailed descriptions of their sexual escapades with Larry Craig. Perhaps we should all buy Mr. Craig a pink elephant for Christmas.
8. BILL O’REILLY
Apparently, Mr. O’Reilly wasn’t content with referring to Mexicans as “wetbacks” a few years back. Everybody’s favorite right wing extremist told the world how surprised he was when going to a soul food restaurant in Harlem called Sylvia’s.
“You know, I mean, everybody was — it was like going into an Italian restaurant in an all-white suburb in the sense of people were sitting there, and they were ordering and having fun. And there wasn't any kind of craziness at all.”
Everybody’s favorite sexual harasser went on to reveal, "There wasn't one person in Sylvia's who was screaming, 'M-fer, I want more iced tea.'” It’s a good thing Sylvia’s doesn’t serve falafels.
7. KATIE COURIC
I usually feel sorry for people who show symptoms of mental retardation, but not the perky Katie Couric. Watching Katie Couric try and perk it up for her newscast is the equivalent of staring at the clock minute by minute and second by second. Watching Mrs. Couric perk it up in Iraq made me actually long for the days of seeing Connie Chung on the news. Judging by Mrs. Couric’s ratings, a job at McDonalds isn’t far ahead, but it would be a shame for McDonalds to even consider Mrs. Couric.
6. DENNIS MILLER
I would love to forward the book Final Exit to Dennis Miller so he could relieve himself of the misery he displayed while becoming Bill O’Reilly’s sidekick and the star of the ½ Hour News Hour on Fox, which – like most of Dennis’ adventures – was canceled.
Dennis has turned from an intelligent, witty comedian to an angry, self-hating, right wing fanatic – but he is still relevant. Look up the word “failure” in the dictionary and you will certainly find Mr. Miller’s career next to it.
5. AL SHARPTON
But where was Mr. Sharpton when Halle Barry, the half-white actress who pretends to be black, made anti-Semitic remarks on Jay Leno’s show? He was probably making anti-Semitic remarks himself, which is just fine according to the media elite.
4. HILLARY CLINTON
Just six months ago, it seemed almost certain that Hillary would become our next president. At a time when illegal immigrants are marching through the streets waving their own flags, chanting anti-American slogans, committing violent crimes, and stealing identities, Mrs. Clinton gave her support for giving illegal immigrants drivers licenses, a privilege not even granted towards all legal citizens.
Many wonder why Mrs. Clinton just doesn’t wrap the licenses in gift wrap paper and send them to Al-Qaeda. Since Mrs. Clinton’s desperate immigrant vote pandering, her support has dwindled. The good news is that Mrs. Clinton can always work at McDonalds with Katie Couric.
3. BRITNEY SPEARS
Britney is, perhaps, the only douche bag I have some sympathy for. After her divorce from K-Fed, her comeback was literally handed to her on a silver platter, but Britney had to screw it up with the non-stop partying, the stints in drug rehab, the Tarzana military haircut, the hit and runs, and losing custody of her children.
Her biggest crime is that her behavior overshadowed her album Blackout, one of the best musical releases of the year. Many of us are rooting for Britney’s revival, but her constant self-destructive behavior makes that seem like a miracle.
2. MICHAEL NIFONG
District Attorney Michael Nifong was an idol to card carrying liberals and race card players all over the country. After all, he successfully charged three evil, white Duke Lacrosse players who raped an African American stripper.
He was on his way to the Civil Rights Hall of Fame, but there was just one problem: there was no actual evidence of this supposed crime. Not only did the stripper keep changing her story, but Nifong admitted to not actually interviewing her until six months after charging the so called “criminals” with the false crime.
To the disappointment of liberals everywhere, Michael Nifong was stripped of his law license on June 16, 2007. Learning a thing or two from his liberal buddies, Mr. Nifong claimed he was treated unfairly.
1. GEORGE W. BUSH
No explanation needed.