The end may well be nigh. Last week, the unsuspecting people of London were taken aback by what they may well have believed to be a small-scale invasion of England’s capital city, affectionately known as Old Smoky. From amongst the shaken observers of the tumult in Trafalgar Square have emerged several strange sightings that sources well placed within the apocalypse stress could signify the end times. Two scantily clad cat-people resembling nothing so much as humanoid cheetahs were seen prowling around the premises of the National Gallery.
Although no injuries have been reported as yet, the vibrantly outfitted party of two – who photographic evidence demonstrates did carry on their persons poorly concealed staffs of some unidentifiable yellow material – were nevertheless observed engaging in public acts of violence upon one another, wielding their weapons at cameras in a threatening manner.
In truth, the feline hybrids did not appear set on immediate, all-out domination of humanity, which – as it is widely known – began in London. Passersby transfixed by the commotion soon saw the pair distracted from their mortal deadlock by the great lions that guard the four corners of Nelson’s Column, an impressive landmark overlooked by the world-renowned National Gallery. From their impromptu den between the vast paws of the bronze beast, the cheetah-people once again intimidated a camera, leading this writer to the conclusion that although the end might not be immediate, it must certainly be impending. Despite our best efforts to prove precisely what factors eventually dissuaded the cat-women from their nefarious scheme, it seems safe to surmise that a combination of photographers and pigeons – the precise configuration of which is impossible to determine – are the unlikely allies responsible for the continued wellbeing of humankind.
But do not put your fear aside so easily, for in the end, the orange-garbed guerrillas which brought such chaos to the peaceful streets of London were not detained by the authorities or even captured by animal control — they simply vanished! And from the unmistakable signs of the end-times that came later, I can exclusively reveal to you that the feline aggressors may have been but the forward landing party of a fleet which hurtles even as you read closer and ever closer to our precious Earth.
Sources whose identities can never be divulged say that “we [cannot] escape… the oncoming [assault, impending doom, etc.]”, and in light of the terrifying symbols that appeared on several landmarks around the city, this reporter can only concur with their fateful assertion. For as if by some black magic, an imposing pair of faces began to glow on the Houses of Parliament and a defunct power station in Battersea – the very seats of power in Britain, literally and figuratively. Such wanton terrorism can only signify the apocalypse to come, or perhaps some uncharacteristically ingenious Arabs.
Some unpatriotic naysayers have suggested that this shocking visitation could be explained away as nothing more than an extravagant PR push to celebrate the forthcoming DVD release of the second season of Thundercats, an '80s cartoon held in high regard wherever there are people – immigrants being the obvious exception.
The UK offices of Warner Home Video deny all knowledge, however, and such opinions are typical of the cynical minds that persist with their agenda to drag humanity down to basement-level standards with its only company the Daily Mail and FOX News. As if the cheetah-people were only enthusiastic young cosplayers, and the cat-signals no more than publicity stunts — the very thought! We can safely put such outrageous denials away, then, and conclude as usual. The end, dear readers, is still nigh. Fear everything.
But not the media. We’re your friends, you see.
Please note that the preceding editorial, although based on legitimate and indeed excellent news, is intended as satire and does not mean to offend anyone in any way, shape, or form – despite appearances to the contrary. If there’s anyone I haven’t annoyed still reading this (so we can safely count out Londoners, immigrants, Arabs, and probably most religions, too), do stay tuned for my review of the second season of Thundercats DVDs, coming soon to a Blogcritics article near you. And let me just say, before I take cover — this is the kind of publicity stunt I could stand to see more of — bravo, PR peeps, bravo.