10. Tom- LEAVE EVERYONE ALONE! You just sold MySpace for a measly half-billion dollars; I think it’s time to get a life.
9. Annoying Business Proprietor – Believe us, your T-shirt company has everyone impressed (I’m sure the orders for Baby Tees are just pouring in) but it would be nice if you stopped posting your ads in every single profile. Too, this applies to all you out-of-work models, pay-to-print authors, and graphic artists.
8. Hater/User- Though it makes you feel better to bash MySpace in front of your friends, it’s hard to reconcile that with the fact that you use it all the time. Oh yeah, no one believes that someone else made the account for you.
7. Self-Righteous Emo Kid – So wearing tight pants, eye make-up and listening to bands that have hypocritically become popular by not being “mainstream” gives you the position of judging everyone else? Regardless of your membership to the MySpace Democrats, you’re not exactly anti-establishment when you frequent Rupert Murdoch’s latest acquisition.
6. Young Whore- Despite the fact that precedent seems to dictate all girls must post provocative, degrading pictures of themselves, anyone under 15 years old is crossing the disgusting line. Focus on getting your learner’s permit and growing out of your “awkward phase” before you commit full-time to being the next statutory rape victim.
5. No Shirt Guy – We know you think that your bare chest is the ticket to the female promised land, but you’re wrong for two reasons: 1) You’re really not attractive 2) Girls hear the “I’m an idiot” that your picture screams so very, very loudly.
4. Explicit User Name – We understand the disappointment in realizing that your picture has failed to entice anyone to visit your profile, however, that does not justify using profane terms to get attention. The words “Sex,” “Horny” or “Fuck,” do little to compensate for your cripplingly boring personality and repulsive ugliness.
3.Weird Old Person – Not quite sure where you inferred there was a need for strange, fat or bald old people on a teenage-oriented personals website, but we do appreciate the respectability (by that we mean creepiness) that your presence brings.
2. Misleading Icon – While we admire the fact that you can, to some extent, acknowledge your physical shortcomings, it is nevertheless unethical to post misleading or Photoshopped pictures of yourself. Trust us, honesty is liberating, so stop zooming in to crop out your losing battle with obesity or going wide-angle to blur the acne.
1. Crappy Band – As monumental as your upcoming show at Eric’s Coffee House/H.S Talent Show/ Church Parking Lot is, on behalf of America we’re informing you that not only do you suck, but no one likes you. No one cares when your new EP drops, that you’ve posted a new live track or that New Found Glory added you to their friends list.
And those are the Top 10 Worst MySpace Personalities. Please comment if you’ve if you feel I may have missed some. I don’t have the time, nor the strength to avoid suicide that is required to browse through the site to find examples, but please post links if you find them. Also, if you’d like to post this on your MySpace profile, please feel free to do so, and hopefully some of these folks will see the error in their ways. If you post this, please link to give me credit.
Note: This was originally composed, with Brett Loper, for the Granite Bay Gazette, though I recently updated the list.