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The Ten Worst MySpace Personalities

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10. Tom- LEAVE EVERYONE ALONE! You just sold MySpace for a measly half-billion dollars; I think it’s time to get a life.

9. Annoying Business Proprietor – Believe us, your T-shirt company has everyone impressed (I’m sure the orders for Baby Tees are just pouring in) but it would be nice if you stopped posting your ads in every single profile. Too, this applies to all you out-of-work models, pay-to-print authors, and graphic artists.

8. Hater/User- Though it makes you feel better to bash MySpace in front of your friends, it’s hard to reconcile that with the fact that you use it all the time. Oh yeah, no one believes that someone else made the account for you.

7. Self-Righteous Emo Kid – So wearing tight pants, eye make-up and listening to bands that have hypocritically become popular by not being “mainstream” gives you the position of judging everyone else? Regardless of your membership to the MySpace Democrats, you’re not exactly anti-establishment when you frequent Rupert Murdoch’s latest acquisition.

6. Young Whore- Despite the fact that precedent seems to dictate all girls must post provocative, degrading pictures of themselves, anyone under 15 years old is crossing the disgusting line. Focus on getting your learner’s permit and growing out of your “awkward phase” before you commit full-time to being the next statutory rape victim.

5. No Shirt Guy – We know you think that your bare chest is the ticket to the female promised land, but you’re wrong for two reasons: 1) You’re really not attractive 2) Girls hear the “I’m an idiot” that your picture screams so very, very loudly.

4. Explicit User Name – We understand the disappointment in realizing that your picture has failed to entice anyone to visit your profile, however, that does not justify using profane terms to get attention. The words “Sex,” “Horny” or “Fuck,” do little to compensate for your cripplingly boring personality and repulsive ugliness.

3.Weird Old Person – Not quite sure where you inferred there was a need for strange, fat or bald old people on a teenage-oriented personals website, but we do appreciate the respectability (by that we mean creepiness) that your presence brings.

2. Misleading Icon – While we admire the fact that you can, to some extent, acknowledge your physical shortcomings, it is nevertheless unethical to post misleading or Photoshopped pictures of yourself. Trust us, honesty is liberating, so stop zooming in to crop out your losing battle with obesity or going wide-angle to blur the acne.

1. Crappy Band – As monumental as your upcoming show at Eric’s Coffee House/H.S Talent Show/ Church Parking Lot is, on behalf of America we’re informing you that not only do you suck, but no one likes you. No one cares when your new EP drops, that you’ve posted a new live track or that New Found Glory added you to their friends list.

And those are the Top 10 Worst MySpace Personalities. Please comment if you’ve if you feel I may have missed some. I don’t have the time, nor the strength to avoid suicide that is required to browse through the site to find examples, but please post links if you find them. Also, if you’d like to post this on your MySpace profile, please feel free to do so, and hopefully some of these folks will see the error in their ways. If you post this, please link to give me credit.

You can view more of my writing on my website at: Ryan Clark Holiday and other similar Top Tens.

Note: This was originally composed, with Brett Loper, for the Granite Bay Gazette, though I recently updated the list.

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About ChaunceyBillups

  • morgansababe

    yeah yeah all is true here i think youve got pretty much everything covered 🙂

  • no one

    I hate it when i see young emo kids in myspace with hair covering one eye, they probably think its high fashion or something. AND THOSE WHORES!!!! future skanks!!!! especially those 12 years old sluts in training.

  • Beth

    HA HA HA

  • haha. I figured emo kids covered emo bands.

  • I must be one of those wierd old people you’re talking about…I missed the spot on myspace where it lists age limitations…or even recommendations…just remember all you wierd young people…you wouldn’t even have a computer if it wasn’t for those wierd old people raising you.

  • This from the front page of myspace…

    “Take Jimmy Eat World and stir in a little James Taylor, add a little Get Up Kids and top with a pinch of Phil Collins and out comes Brighten.”

    It sounds like they might just be the worst band in the history of the world.

  • Soupy

    Yo don’t diss those crappy emo bands in your countdown. Just because they suck usuallyhat The Matches aren’t awesome. Also Bush is a butthole digger.

  • Does anyone have funny profiles they’ve come across?

  • Yeah, News Corp now owns Myspace.

  • Hah, this is hilarious. As a Myspace junkie, I can tell you that this is 100% true. Though I didn’t know that Rupert Murdoch owned it now. That’s scary. Somehow, I should have felt the evil vibes, the dark side of the media force, but I didn’t. Must be losing my edge in my old age.

  • I think I fall into the “hater/user” category. I snubbed it for a long time, but then I got curious because I kept seeing all these people I knew. So I caved and created a page. I mainly use it to drive traffic to my own blog, but occasionally, I’ll catch up with old friends, or leave a comment here and there.

    But I definitely agree with most of your categories — very funny, and so true!