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The Temperature Also Rises

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With the issuing of the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change report on February 2, waxing climactic about the climatic is the order of the day. The esteemed, government-funded scientists with no agenda who rendered the study inform us that man is almost certainly responsible for rising temperatures and, furthermore, that dramatic climate change is unstoppable. But, after seeing various luminaries sound the alarm, I think I can confidently say that, hell’s bells, we’re darn well gonna try anyway.

And it’s about time. We’ve long known we were going to die unless we stopped spewing that plant-sustaining CO2 into the air. The thing is, though, my botanical sources tell me the plants are fearful that they’ll die if they don’t stop spewing that human-sustaining oxygen into the air. So our task is clear.

We must beat the plants.

I’m tired of the lies. I remember when I was a wee lad in grammar school and they warned us of an upcoming ice age. That wasn’t as scary as the talk about the killer bees, but why, teach, oh, why did you hide the truth about melting glaciers, rising oceans and vicious hurricanes? I suppose the ice age fiction was less unsettling to young minds. At least we could look forward to extra snow days.

This is why I won’t sit idly by and watch today’s prevarications fobbed off on the next generation.

Can you believe I actually heard some craven, callous individuals try to rationalize away our destruction of the planet with the fancy that weather is cyclical (1500-year cycles of warming and cooling)? So thick is the propaganda that now an elaborate fiction has been woven to convince us that Al Gore, inventor of the Internet, could actually be wrong about global warming. Why, it just makes you hot under the collar. Now I’ll share what I’ve uncovered about the machinations of malevolent manufacturers’ minions.

In a tale worthy of Hollywood, some “scientists” are peddling a story about a geological interval occurring between 750 and 600 million years ago, which they fancifully call the “Cryogenian Period.” They tell us that during this time the Earth was completely covered by ice and snow. Moreover, they’d have us believe there have been numerous ice ages since then, with the last major one ending about 12,000 years ago and causing glaciers to extend as far south as Cape Cod, Massachusetts. Outrageously, their fiction involves the notion that these alleged events were followed by warming trends that sometimes initiated intervals in which glaciers were completely absent from our planet, all without industrialization, as if we’d believe this beautiful blue orb could experience such wrenching changes without man’s meddlesome hands.

This is an insult to our intelligence. We all know that before the curse of humanity – and especially prior to industrialization – the Earth was a pacific place, where birds sang and fish swam and there was love and liberty, serenity and solidarity, and the lion lay down with the lamb.

Continuing with this weather cycle con, we’re also told that between 1550 and 1920 there was a “Little Ice Age,” a time that saw increased glaciation in the Alps. We can easily put the lie to this, however, for during part of this period CO2 levels were rising, yet, we are to believe that temperatures were dropping?

Conversely, it’s also said that there were times when CO2 levels dropped but temperature increased. It is to laugh.

Even the government is in on this charade. We know that anthropogenic glacial melt-off will cause rising sea levels that will inundate Florida and other low-lying regions, such as the Netherlands (don’t you realize our inaction could result in the destruction of the prostitution and drug capital of the world?). So, right on cue, the National Park Service claims that during glacial periods Florida’s sea level was as much as three-hundred feet lower than today, and during the peak of interglacial ones it was one-hundred feet higher. This, all without man’s influence? Poppycock! I bet these are probably the same people who tell us 98 percent of Renaissance painters were white males and that the US wasn’t founded by anti-Christian, ACLU lawyers.

Then, I found pro-plant propaganda being disgorged by the odious Center for Global Food Issues. These miscreants actually sing the praises of higher CO2 levels and say:

. . . a warmer planet has beneficial effects on food production. It results in longer growing seasons—more sunshine and rainfall—while summertime high temperatures change little. And a warmer planet means milder winters and fewer crop-killing frosts. . . . Infrared satellite readings show that the Earth has been getting greener since 1982, thanks apparently to increased rainfall and CO2. Worldwide, vegetative activity generally increased by 6.17 percent between 1982 and 1999—despite extended cloudiness due to the 1991 eruption of Mount Pinatubo and other well-publicized environmental stresses. . . . When dinosaurs walked the earth (about 70 to 130 million years ago), there was from five to ten times more CO2 in the atmosphere than today. The resulting abundant plant life allowed the huge creatures to thrive. . . . Based on nearly 800 scientific observations around the world, a doubling of CO2 from present levels would improve plant productivity on average by 32 percent across species.

And they’re not alone in this subterfuge. The National Center for Policy Analysis carries water for the flora as well, echoing these sentiments and making the bold claim that a desire for greater plant yield is why botanists pump CO2 into greenhouses. Even more astoundingly, this organization states that until just recently plants might have been suffering from CO2 deprivation.

Don’t you see what’s going on? Those innocuous looking organisms you so lovingly nurture in their pots, as you provide water, sunlight and fertilizer, have designs on our civilization. Haven’t you ever watched the Day of the Triffids? I tell you, we’re locked in a battle for survival itself with the plants.

Let not your heart be troubled, though, my friends. The great teacher, the man who in a way exemplifies vegetative activity, Al Gore, is on the case with his keen intellect and sage stewardship. Why, I hear he’s going to make a sequel to An Inconvenient Truth titled Presidential Aspirations in the Balance, in which he will illustrate the direness of our predicament by demonstrating how he can fry an organic egg on his head in Bangor, Maine, at sunrise. Here, too, though, crafty climatologists muddy the waters, as they claim their research shows that Earth’s temperature rises an average of half a degree every time Gore gives a speech.

Of course, these ardent apologists for industrialization try to put a happy face on the CO2 molecule, but even they can’t deny that the gas’ levels are rising. So, lo and behold, they try to sell us the line that it’s the result of natural processes.

For instance, a vile propagandist named Phillip V. Brennan wrote a piece in which he mentions there is now much more geothermal activity beneath the ocean floor than scientists had suspected. Ostensibly, this process heats up the seas, causing them to release more CO2 into the atmosphere. Brennan even tries to explain away our more mercurial weather, quoting a colleague who maintains that:

“. . . it is not global warming that’s causing the oceans to heat, it’s heated oceans that are warming the globe and setting up a scenario that includes among its consequences more and increasingly violent hurricanes, tornadoes and blizzards.”

Yeah, sure, next he’ll tell us tsunamis are caused by underwater earthquakes.

Anyway, this Brennan character has no credibility. Despite the fact we know that every scientist agrees with the anthropogenic global warming thesis, he claims that a petition was signed by:

“. . . over 18,000 scientists who are totally opposed to the Kyoto Protocol, which committed the world’s leading industrial nations to cut their production of greenhouse gases from fossil fuels.”

Next, we hear the Earth destroyers’ answer to why our polar ice caps are melting. They point out that the ice caps on Mars are probably melting as well, which is supposed to vindicate the idea that natural cycles are the cause.

But there’s something they won’t tell you, information I risk my life by divulging.

There’s actually a civilization of greedy little green industrialists on the red planet, who drive SUVs, heat their saucers with mahogany and teak, smoke fine cigars and are mean to children and old people. And the only reason this is kept secret is that free traders want our shores inundated with their cheap goods, which are brought in through Area 51.

I now ask you to compare the dubious claims of the industrial apologists with the aforementioned facts. I think it will be clear where the true sanity lies.

The truth is, as Mr. Gore would say, inconvenient. We just don’t want to accept that we’ll have to radically alter our lifestyles; why, it’s ridiculous to think we can maintain our love affair with the combustion engine. As Gore told us in Earth in the Balance, the automobile poses a most grave threat to mankind. And, no, wise guys, he didn’t say that because he spent time in a car with Ted Kennedy at the wheel.

So I advise you all to follow the lead of French President Jacques Chirac, who found time between mistresses to warn us that “We are on the historic threshold of the irreversible,” as he called for a “revolution” to save mankind. Besides, there is grave concern that Hillary Clinton’s personality may melt.

As for me, I’m going to go out and kill a plant. Now, what will I wear? Dang, the weatherman got the forecast wrong again. . . .

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About Selwyn Duke

  • Maurice

    Let the plants scream as they die.

  • Clavos

    Famed climatologist Dr. Chick N. Little, known to be the primary author of the IPCC summary and AlGore’s mentor, has her own theory about our warming atmosphere…

  • JustOneMan

    Can someone explain to me….,

    Al Gore has been proven to be a pretty dim witted “fat” rich boy who never had an original idea in his head…zero credibility…why is he even being taken seriously…hes a fuckin moron!

    JOM

  • http://www.diablog.us Dave Nalle

    This is one of the first truly funny satire pieces I’ve seen in a while. Great job.

    And JoM. Al Gore isn’t stupid. Most of the people who believe strongly in human agency in Global Warming aren’t stupid either. One of the great mysteries of human nature is that people who are otherwise relatively intelligent can believe the stupidest things in the world when self-interest deludes them or when they believe that they won’t be perceived as intelligent or part of the right group if they don’t play along.

    Dave

  • moonraven

    Good piece!

    Is it possible that the main reason that the Bush Gang has denied climate change is because THEY want to be the ones in control of the FEAR FACTOR?

    Look how they can dehumanize folks when their minion, Tony Blair, trots out those 22 Pakistanis on his payroll and claims they were going to blow planes to kingdom come with waterbombs. Millions of folks waited in lines at the airports, missed their flights, lost their luggage, cried when their duty free items were tossed in the garbage by overstuffed security stiffs.

    They don’t want to see that kind of control slip through their fingers.

    And why not give the go-ahead to those BIG OIL folks that offered all the scientists in the panel on climate change 10 grand to sell out? Cheap at 10 times the price.

  • Baronius

    Heh. Triffids.

  • http://www.diablog.us Dave Nalle

    How did I know that Moonraven would be the first person to not get the satire of this piece…

    Dave

  • SHARK

    Duke: “There’s actually a civilization of greedy little green industrialists on the red planet, who drive SUVs, heat their saucers with mahogany and teak, smoke fine cigars and are mean to children and old people.”

    “Satire” for morons.

    ====

    Vox on Nalle: “Of the characters in The Magnificent Seven, the picture unquestionably looks most like the Robert Vaughn character.”

    Nalle on Vox: “I’ve seen figures similar to the ones Vox quotes.”

    Vox on links HE provided (as Nalle): “The claim that this article is ‘GOP spin’ is an interesting one, since it seems to be based on reports direct from Iraqis inside Iraq if you follow the links.”

    “Liars — when they speak the truth — are not believed.” — Aristotle

  • Lumpy

    Damned funny. I was impressed by how long and on how many points you could keep the mockery going.

    The unconscious self-parody of some of the commentors was almost as sweet.

  • moonraven

    People have the right to respond to a satirical piece any way they damn feel like.

    At least this poster is not doing so on her employer’s time….

  • Clavos

    Obviously moonraven didn’t read the author’s bio…

  • JustOneMan

    Good point Nailee….Gore is still an asshole
    JOM

  • moonraven

    Yes, I read the author’s bio.

    Unlike you, I am not a knee-jerk bigot. I actually read what folks write and make up my mind about the content.

  • moonraven

    Gore was at least an ELECTED “asshole”.

  • Clavos

    Not in Florida he wasn’t, even after several non-partisan recounts.

  • Bliffle

    The human animal can only have developed, whether through Gods Plan or Darwinian Evolution, on a planet favored by the right mix of environmental materials and long term environmental stability to sustain incubation. Accompanied, of course, by various modest short term instabilities to encourage variation.

    So here we humans are. Though we are relatively primitive yet (despite our constant attempts to grab all the glory for our own species and declare ourselves to have Dominion Over All The Earth and All Gods Creatures) our intelligence has run amuck and allowed us to create destructive capabilities well beyond our ability to constrain our own appetites.

    Left to our own devices we would surely destroy every living thing on this little green planet, possibly with HBombs, possibly with some dreadful germ or fungus (whose name we may not even know today but is being developed in our laboratories) or some other criminal genocide.

    And surely we are incapable of constraining our own appetites to avert a disaster with our own feeble morals and weak wills. Of course many ‘prophets’ and ‘seers’ and ‘messiahs’, etc., come forward with this same warning, but soon they announce that THEY themselves have the answer, and it starts with eliminating all opposition, especially the heretics who would oppose them. If some character comes forward with a plan which employs peacefulness and no retribution we quickly pronounce him An Enemy Of the State and assassinate him.

    Whether one believes in evolution or ID it is clear that humans are an aberrant creature whose menace outweighs it’s usefulness, and therefore will be extinguished in due time, perhaps through a catyclism, perhaps a Silent Killer.

    So it’s heartening to think mankind will be either destroyed or reduced to a very low state, too low to commit more major crimes, by the simple process of global warming (or even global freezing) which will destroy the menace of humans while leaving enough flora and fauna to keep the ecosphere vital and ready for a future, more deserving, form of brainy life.

  • Baronius

    “it is clear that humans are an aberrant creature whose menace outweighs it’s usefulness”

    Huh? How is that clear? What menace? what use? Back to George Carlin’s old routine, maybe the Earthmother decided that she needed styrofoam, and that’s why we’re here.

  • moonraven

    As my alter-ego, Sun Raven, says:

    Your species has consistently mistaken being at the top of the food chain for being superior.

  • JustOneMan

    Hey moonraven how can you still be counting chads and dimples while the seas are rising…shouldnt you be building an ark or something?
    JOM

  • moonraven

    I have made it very clear that I am buying up all the (soon to be) beachfront property in Nebraska.

  • JR

    Vox on Nalle: “Of the characters in The Magnificent Seven, the picture unquestionably looks most like the Robert Vaughn character.”

    Nalle on Vox: “I’ve seen figures similar to the ones Vox quotes.”

    Nalle on Duke: “This is one of the first truly funny satire pieces I’ve seen in a while. Great job.

    Hmmm…

  • Baronius

    Clavos, that was pretty quick. I usually like to rain on the Gore 2000 parade, but you got there in 2 minutes. Sweet.

  • http://www.futonreport.net/ Matthew T. Sussman

    Old ‘n busted: Intelligent design

    New hotness: Global warming

  • Arch Conservative

    “Gore was at least an ELECTED “asshole”.”

    No, he wasn’t.

  • http://www.friendlymisanthropist.blogspot.com alessandro nicolo

    Funny piece. Acid Rain was the big thing in my day. I remember we had to write papers about how we were all going to lose our hair and that Reagan was at the root of it. Then I grew up.

  • zingzing

    archie: “”Gore was at least an ELECTED “asshole”.”

    No, he wasn’t.”

    man, you missed one there. you had such an opportunity… if i were you i woulda played off that missing comma and said something like, “they have to elect you “asshole” these days?” or “gore was a shoe-in for “asshole,” so i didn’t bother to vote.” you know, something like that.

    instead all you’ve got it “no, he wasn’t?”

    and why do you bother anymore? that was 7 years ago… if someone is going to believe that bush stole the election, then they’re going to believe it. fucking thief.

  • Arch Conservative

    I was just stating a fact.

    I didn’t feel anything more need be said.

  • Emry

    “Acid Rain was the big thing in my day. I remember we had to write papers about how we were all going to lose our hair and that Reagan was at the root of it. Then I grew up.”

    And then you Googled acid rain Vermont, Maine, New York, Ontario, etc, and found out you’re never too old to learn.

  • The village idiot

    Feel like the kid in the candy store. Where to start. Maurice, Im still blowing popcorn and rum out my nose from laughing with your opening comment. Let the plants scream as they die. Dam dude my jaws hurt. Bless you my man and keep up the good work.

  • http://www.diablog.us Dave Nalle

    “Gore was at least an ELECTED “asshole”.

    I thought ‘asshole’ was an appointive office, rather than elected.

    Dave

  • MCH

    “I thought ‘asshole’ was an appointive office, rather than elected.”
    – Dave Nalle

    I wonder if Vox Populi thinks the same thing?

  • SonnyD

    From first hand experience of seeing the death and destruction left in the wake of Al Gore’s decision making ability, I have to say the man is as dumb as a box of rocks. There is a difference between intelligence and common sense and he has none of the later. If a man can’t look back to see the results of things he has put into motion and understand that his good intentions caused more harm than good through unintended consequences, then he shouldn’t be allowed to make important decisions.

    Moonraven has an alter ego, Sunraven? Is this in addition to her identical twin sister Catherine/Mary reborn?

  • Arch Conservative

    “From first hand experience of seeing the death and destruction left in the wake of Al Gore’s decision making ability, I have to say the man is as dumb as a box of rocks.”

    I have no idea what you’re talking about, but hey you’re bashing Al Gore and there aint nothing wrong with that. The guy’s a pompous liberal jackass in love with the sound of his own voice. That is so common in the Democratic party these days, Joe Biden, chuck Schumer etc…I am surprised no one has coined a term for it yet.

  • Maurice

    TVI #29 – Thanks. Did you check out the link? They are serious about plants screaming as they die!

  • moonraven

    Arch is a pompous fascist ass in love with his keyboard. There should be a name for that.

  • Baronius

    Moon, you once asked me why I thought you should be pulled from the boards. Look over your contributions to this thread. That’s why.

  • Lumpy

    Get real’ baronius. She’s incapable of introspection. The giant ego gets in the way.

  • Bliffle

    “That is so common in the Democratic party these days, Joe Biden, chuck Schumer etc…I am surprised no one has coined a term for it yet.”

    My friend Vic Populi calls it “incipient neoconism”. When Dick Cheney decides they’re dumb enough he appoints them as presidential advisers.

  • moonraven

    Baronius:

    Have you checked YOUR contributions–to anything?

    Is that navel lint I see between your two front teeth?

  • Joe

    LumpyGet real’ baronius. She’s incapable of introspection. The giant ego gets in the way.

    She’s? She’s? Moonraven is a chick? Is she cute or does she look like she sounds?

  • moonraven

    Not a chick, Joe.

    Women over 15 are not CUTE.

    They might be beautiful–cute, never.

  • Martin Lav

    Come on now, my Grandma was as cute as a button!

  • zingzing

    not true!

    my grandmother was cute.

  • zingzing

    damn it all to hell.

  • Martin Lav

    “Women over 15 are not CUTE.” – Moonraven speaking for herself I suppose.

  • http://www.futonreport.net/ Matthew T. Sussman

    “Women over 15 are not CUTE.”

    John Mark Karr, is that you?

  • http://theugliestamerican.blogspot.com Andy Marsh

    Suss…that was funny!

  • moonraven

    Misogynists are in abundance on this site.

    Any guy who puts a woman down by calling her cute deserves a swift kick in the nuts.

    Of course many of you don’t have any….so you lucked out.

  • zingzing

    aww, yer so cute when yer angry.

  • zingzing

    really, moonraven, you can’t be serious. it’s getting silly. you see misogyny where there isn’t any. what do you think “cute” means? attractive? pleasing to the eye in some way? and what about that… demeans anyone? can men be cute? why is that? i simply have no idea where you are coming from on this.

  • Clavos

    moonraven suffers from serious penis envy. It’s evident in a number of her posts, where she attempts to belittle male posters.

    Men don’t put a woman down by calling her cute. Cute is a compliment. There are much better and more descriptive words to use if you want to put one down.

  • Martin Lav

    like calling them “moonraven” for starters…..

  • Aku

    “Of course many of you don’t have any….so you lucked out.”

    Playing the bully again heh MR. What is this fascination you have with male genitalia?

  • MCH

    “moonraven suffers from serious penis envy. It’s evident in a number of her posts, where she attempts to belittle male posters.”

    At least she’s got the balls to take a stand against Nalle’s fraud and deceit of the Vox Populi scam.

  • Aku

    “At least she’s got the balls to take a stand against Nalle’s fraud and deceit of the Vox Populi scam.”

    As long as you don’t call them cute, your ok.

  • The village idiot

    Maurice I did check out the link. Your right. Went to the gun range today with my trusty Mac 90 and targets which consisted of brocolie, cabbage and brussel sprouts. I noticed the brussel sprouts when shot squeled like a pig. Since my parents made me eat the little suckers years ago this was very satisfying. Will try my Glock 45 auto on my neighbors cat soon. My marigolds scream out to me when that ugly hairy bastard cat shits on them every night.

  • The village idiot

    Moonraven, what a sensuous cute women you are. Marry me and I will give you all the bitch slaps your little heart desires my sweet pumpkin puss.