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The Smiths – Buzzkill for today’s teens

Today was bad, very, very bad. Our computer has been out for the past few days with the minor exception of a few minutes here and a few minutes there. I couldn’t get on this morning, but since I was becoming used to this setback I handled it with aplomb – only one muttered m-effer.

I get to my regularly scheduled cleaning job that I was expecting to be tiring but mostly stress free, and who is waiting for me? Not the elderly mother-in-law I was told would be there, but the grunting sailor for whom all cleanliness means a new place to mess up. I groaned audibly and took a deep breath. I hate this shit. Cleaning that is. I am too pregnant, too hot and too grumpy to be doing this kind of thing.

So I do my thing, including cleaning up after something he broke and chose to thoughtfully leave broken glass laying about for me to step on, which I did. (I will most assuredly be blamed for breaking whatever it was that was broken.)

I finished only moments before passing out from heat exhaustion.

I pull into my driveway and I notice an unknown vehicle in it. I walk in and hear horrific sounds coming from the basement. Amateurish guitar noodling being played at loud indecipherable volumes – MY COMPUTER IS DOWN THERE.

Okay, so I am hot, tired, can’t check my email, read my favorite blogs within the five minute up and down intervals and NOW THERE IS GODFORSAKEN CRAP MUSIC WAFTING UP THE STAIRS. Who do I kill first?

I call Eric, cause if I didn’t have him to bitch at, then the cats would have to do.

“WHAT IN THE NAME OF GOD IS GOING ON AROUND HERE?” I yell, while screeching guitars and plunking bass drown out the phone.

“Oh, Chris asked if he could have some friends over to practice, I said yes.”

“Oh, really, well I say screw you, cause you aren’t here listening to this unlistenable garbage IN THE BASEMENT. Why aren’t they in his room?”

I was disgusted, and hung up on Eric for what had to be the fifth time in two days. I decided to use this time wisely AND fight fire with fire.

I looked over my cd collection and the most offensive thing I could find was BECK’s, “Sea Change”. Now Beck himself isn’t offensive, but what could be worse to the ears of teenage boys than a dude lamenting about heartache and pain?

It didn’t work, and let me tell you, I had it on LOUD.

I finished cleaning downstairs and the cd was over but crappy Metallica kept on being bastardized by manic teens and I was really about to LOSE MY SHIT.

I sat down and thought hard “what is the most foreign and alien thing to a metal head teenage boy in my collection?”

THE SMITHS!!! I busted out a little “Meat Is Murder” on their punk asses and damn if it didn’t work. They were gone before track two was over. I may be old, but I know how to control young minds.

A little Morrissey goes a long way.

About Dawn Olsen

  • Chris

    Next time throw on Viva Hate. Start with “Every Day is Like Sunday.” While I haven’t tried it yet (mine is 12) I would bet that only hearing the opening lines would be enough to drive an entire football team out of your basement. “Trudging slowly over wet sand . . . “

  • Eric Olsen

    “back to the place where your clothes were stolen…”

    great story Dawn, too bad you had to live through it to write about it.It’s like Elmo says in Lily’s video: individually they aren’t that bad, but put them together and the cacophony expands exponentially.

  • Dawn

    I love Viva Hate, good idea. Also, Eric, it’s ALL YOUR FAULT. ALL OF IT. INCLUDING THIS PREGNANCY THING.

  • Cindy Collins Smith

    Oh, this story is hysterical. I had no idea that The Smiths would be so unlistenable to the kids. But I’ll try to remember that for future reference!

  • Aaron, Duke De Mondo

    lol great story Dawn. Mind you, Southpaw Grammar would probably have got them outta there before track one had reached a chorus.

  • Eric Olsen

    I should add, and Dawn has publicly agreed, that the band turned out to be quite good at what they do

  • Bob A. Booey

    Yeah, I know the Smiths are supposed to be every smart, introverted honor student’s favorite mope music (along with maybe the Cure and Depeche Mode), but I never got them. I found their music self-serious and boring — I do like Morrissey’s solo stuff, though.

    Nice story, Dawn.

    That is all.

  • Aaron, Duke De Mondo

    “I know the Smiths are supposed to be every smart, introverted honor student’s favorite mope music ”

    I resent the implication inherent in that statement that The Duke might be a smart, introverted honor student. Smart, introverted most certainly. and honourable. and a student of all that is fine about culture. but something about that all seems repellent.