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The Skinny on Olympic Skin

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Like a billion other people on this planet I've been glued to my TV set watching sports that I previously couldn't care less about. But, now the Olympics are here and they make me realize that there are more sports out there than I could possibly imagine, and that some of those sports involve the wearing of apparel that would otherwise be deemed unworthy to make it into a prime time network show.

Since when did partial nudity become an Olympic pastime? Some of you may be asking yourself, "What is this guy talking about?" Others of you know exactly what I'm talking about. During these first few days of the Olympic Games I've been stunned at some of the uniforms that are so brazenly worn by the athletes. But I'm even more stunned that the censors haven't gone about blurring out every half-butt being exposed on the balance beam.

In this post-Janet Jackson "wardrobe malfunction" world we live in, it's hard to believe the amount of naked skin being shown off at the Olympics. So I decided to create my own awards for the biggest culprits of "Best/Worst Partial Nudity" in this year's Olympics.

Bronze Medal: Third place goes to the women's beach volleyball players in general, but Misty May-Treanor and Kerri Walsh specifically, wearing such skimpy bikinis they make the bras and panties that the Desperate Housewives traipse around in look like long underwear suitable for a nice trip to the Tundra. With swimsuit bottoms no bigger than some designer belts, May-Treanor and Walsh destroy the competition.

Silver Medal: Don't think that the women are the only offenders here. America's Golden Boy Michael Phelps wears his swim pants so low I'm grateful that swimmers are notorious for shaving everywhere. Sure the guy is ripped and is stacking up the gold like he's living in Fort Knox, but does that mean that each and every time he gets out of the pool, a billion people around the world should be less than an inch away from seeing the Phelps Family Jewels?

Gold Medal: It was hard for me to pick between the Bronze and Silver medalists, but before I even began this article, I knew what sport I envisioned on the top of the podium. Women’s gymnastics has become almost unwatchable for me. It’s like a parade of atomic wedgies on underage girls. Those uniforms they wear reveal more down low than anything ever worn on Baywatch, and many of these girls are 16 years old. They are superior athletes and do some amazing things, but that doesn’t help me from feeling a little bit dirty while watching them. Imagine girls under 18 wearing those French cut butt-huggers on a primetime TV show? No, wait… don’t.

So as the Olympics march on and the clothes ride up and slide off, let us not forget what these games are all about – making partial nudity family-friendly viewing.

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  • nicolas

    amen to olympic skin. and your esoteric amazon linkage leaves me in humble awe.

  • Aaron

    I thank you nicolas!

  • Lisa Solod Warren

    You are in interesting company:) Did you see NYT editorial today about Olympic bodies?
    Good idea for an article.

  • Loren

    I agree with Lisa. You have quite the insight. I guess if it’s sports skin, then it’s okay. Does this mean prime time will now start featuring sports themed shows?

  • Norramas

    Remember, though, in the original Olympics of olden days, the athletes all competed in the nude. I think they’re just trying to get as close to the original games as possible.

    And why is Kerri Walsh always so COLD on that court??

  • Justin

    I think you’re right to observe this phenomenon. Nevertheless, you mention the age we’re in. This is no longer just the post “wardrobe malfunction” age we’re in, but also the “teenybopper as blatant sex objects” age. What can I say more, sex sells. There’s a reason Anna Kournikova was the highest paid female athlete for years, even though she’d never won a single tournament…ever! All this while TV networks practically made it an unwritten rule to blur out the faces (a la a Dateline Undercover Investigation) of Martina Navratilova and Billie Jean King. Let’s just be glad it’s the more attractive gender that’s going to the diminishing clothing and not the dude’s. I can’t begin explain how glad I am that the day of Speedos on the swimmers and short shorts on the runners and basketball players are over.

  • Considering that the original Olymics were held in the nude in Greece, I think the modern athletes are a little over dressed.

  • Tom, it’s those pesky dress codes that the various Olympic sports have.

    Judging by stuff like this, I reckon many Olympic athletes would compete starkers if they were allowed to…

  • Jordan Richardson

    God bless Powerade.