There was a ton of bad football played last weekend by hundreds of NCAA Division I football players, and we’re here to recognize those who tragically gave their all and have so little to show for it. There’s so much badness to go around that the Rocky 5 is going to have a sixth member that will be referred to as the “plus one” team until the next Rocky movie is released and we can officially change the title of this poll to the Rocky 6.
First off let’s bid a fond Rocky 5 adieu to Syracuse as we dismiss the Orangemen for soundly thrashing the similarly orange-garbed Illinois
And let’s give a warm Rocky 5 welcome to the Ill Illini for getting soundly thrashed by the departing Orange. I said last week that the winner of this game — the Rocky 5 Bowl, if you will — would be excused from this recognition of football futility, while the loser would be brought into the fold.
Illinois, on the strength of their lack of effort against the visiting Orangemen, is the newest members of the Rocky 5. Don’t let the final score of 31-21 — or the Illini’s 400 total yards — fool you as the game was never close, and Illinois was down 31-7 going into the final quarter.
Their hideous performance against Rutgers the week before, a game in which Illinois only managed 126 yards of total offense, was a springboard that propelled the Illini into another week of crap football and right into the Rocky 5. Looking at their schedule for the rest of the season if the Illini are lucky enough to win three games, they will have won a total of 8 games since the 2002 season and as a result will be a shoe-in to finish this year, and start next year, in the Rocky 5. Mazel tov, Illini!
And it’s not only new faces this week, but new places as well, as the Temple Bowels are now sitting atop the Rocky 5. The Bowels must be saluted for their remarkable achievement of losing by a score of 62-0 in two consecutive weeks, this time to the Minnesota Golden Gophers. I’m no Elias Bureau stat whore, but my bet is that you’d be hard pressed to find another Division I team in recent years to lose so spectacularly — and ineptly — two weeks in a row.
There’s no reason to recount the follies of the football fops from Philly; the score speaks for itself. Looking ahead to their next game Temple visits the Western Michigan Broncos, who have to be on a high coming off of their win at the University of Virginia.
As odd as it may seem, the Bowels may have a shot to sneak up on the Broncos this week, as the Broncs could suffer from the dreaded post-upset hangover. Hey, stranger things have happened as Kent State –- a charter member of the Rocky 5 — actually won a game last week against MAC Conference rival Miami of Ohio.
And while we’re on the subject, Kent State will be in the Rocky 5 this week despite their upset win. A team is going to have to do a lot more than just beat a MAC team before it is allowed to check out of the Hotel Rocky 5. As a matter of fact, the MAC Conference is doing more than its fair share to propagate the ranks of tainted football, and could be nicknamed the Rocky 5 Conference, especially if they admit Temple as a full-fledged member.