Home / The Rocky 5, Week 3: Temple, Duke, Buffalo, Illinois, Kent State

The Rocky 5, Week 3: Temple, Duke, Buffalo, Illinois, Kent State

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There was a ton of bad football played last weekend by hundreds of NCAA Division I football players, and we’re here to recognize those who tragically gave their all and have so little to show for it. There’s so much badness to go around that the Rocky 5 is going to have a sixth member that will be referred to as the “plus one” team until the next Rocky movie is released and we can officially change the title of this poll to the Rocky 6.

First off let’s bid a fond Rocky 5 adieu to Syracuse as we dismiss the Orangemen for soundly thrashing the similarly orange-garbed Illinois Fighting Illini.

And let’s give a warm Rocky 5 welcome to the Ill Illini for getting soundly thrashed by the departing Orange. I said last week that the winner of this game — the Rocky 5 Bowl, if you will — would be excused from this recognition of football futility, while the loser would be brought into the fold.

Illinois, on the strength of their lack of effort against the visiting Orangemen, is the newest members of the Rocky 5. Don’t let the final score of 31-21  — or the Illini’s 400 total yards  — fool you as the game was never close, and Illinois was down 31-7 going into the final quarter.

Their hideous performance against Rutgers the week before, a game in which Illinois only managed 126 yards of total offense, was a springboard that propelled the Illini into another week of crap football and right into the Rocky 5. Looking at their schedule for the rest of the season if the Illini are lucky enough to win three games, they will have won a total of 8 games since the 2002 season and as a result will be a shoe-in to finish this year, and start next year, in the Rocky 5. Mazel tov, Illini!

And it’s not only new faces this week, but new places as well, as the Temple Bowels are now sitting atop the Rocky 5. The Bowels must be saluted for their remarkable achievement of losing by a score of 62-0 in two consecutive weeks, this time to the Minnesota Golden Gophers. I’m no Elias Bureau stat whore, but my bet is that you’d be hard pressed to find another Division I team in recent years to lose so spectacularly — and ineptly — two weeks in a row.

There’s no reason to recount the follies of the football fops from Philly; the score speaks for itself. Looking ahead to their next game Temple visits the Western Michigan Broncos, who have to be on a high coming off of their win at the University of Virginia.

As odd as it may seem, the Bowels may have a shot to sneak up on the Broncos this week, as the Broncs could suffer from the dreaded post-upset hangover. Hey, stranger things have happened as Kent State –- a charter member of the Rocky 5 — actually won a game last week against MAC Conference rival Miami of Ohio.

And while we’re on the subject, Kent State will be in the Rocky 5 this week despite their upset win. A team is going to have to do a lot more than just beat a MAC team before it is allowed to check out of the Hotel Rocky 5. As a matter of fact, the MAC Conference is doing more than its fair share to propagate the ranks of tainted football, and could be nicknamed the Rocky 5 Conference, especially if they admit Temple as a full-fledged member.

The Duke Doormats lost in their typically impotent style and managed only 139 total yards in a 36-0 loss to Virginia Tech. Virginia Tech showed remarkable restraint and good manners as they played host to the Dorks from Durham, as the Hokies looked like they could have scored 100 points if they so desired.

The Blow Devils actually might have a shot to keep it close this week as they play host to a surprisingly bad University of Virginia squad, a team that has been showing up on the radar here at Rocky 5 World Headquarters. Al Groh has been alleged to have done quite a good job in recruiting over the past few years, but without any real on the field success Groh could join the ranks of current ACC head coaches who will soon be former ACC coaches.

The Buffalo Bulls solidified their place in the Rocky 5 by losing 31-13 to fellow MAC Conference member Northern Illinois. This game was so inconsequential that ESPN.com doesn’t even provide the briefest statistical summary for us to laugh at.

This week the Bulls from Buffalo visit Auburn to play Auburn … yes, THE Auburn. It is rumored that famous coroners Michael Baden and Cyril Wecht will be on hand to assist the Auburn and Buffalo training staffs.

So if you’ve been able to keep track of all of this, through my stream of conscious confusion, there you have this week’s Rocky 5. But if I lost you, here’s the Rocky 5.

1) Temple Bowels
2) Duke Doormats
3) Buffalo Blows
4) Illinois Ills
5) Kent State Golden Turds

So that leaves the “plus one” team to add to the mix, and that team my friends is *drum roll* the Mississippi State Bulldogs.

Mississippi Stank has really been trying to get noticed this season. Actually from 2001 on through this moment “the Stank” has won only 14 games. In their 32-29 loss to Tulane this past weekend Mississippi Stank scored their first points of the year, which is good. The bad part, and the part that punched their ticket for entry into this elite group of crap football teams, is that Miss. St. fell behind by the score of 31-7 before they got their act together.

Looking at their schedule, their sloppy play and their offensive ineptness Stank has what it takes, and is a lock to move up the ladder and into the core of the Rocky 5 over the next few weeks. Rather than recount their recent missteps, I’ll leave that to future editions of the Rocky 5 as it is a long season and things are just getting started.

The Rest of the Worst

Don’t you folks at Indiana relax just yet. The Hoosiers — averaging about 3 wins per season over the last 5 — lost last week to Division I-AA Southern Illinois 35-28 which was the first time that a team from the Gateway Conference beat a team from the Big 10. This week UConn comes to town and the Hoosiers can’t afford a letdown or else they may slide right into the Rocky picture.

The Utah State Aggies have been terrifically terrible over the past 5-plus seasons and are begging for our committee to take notice of their ineptitude. Last week the Aggies lost to rival Utah 48-0, managed only 98 total yards, fumbled twice, threw 4 interceptions while allowing over 400 yards of total offense. With an 0-12 record a possibility, the Aggies are a team to watch.

Also in the mix are New Mexico State and the Stanford Cardinal, who after a horrid loss to Navy are looking like a team that’s headed for an “O-fer” in 2006.

See you next week, same Rocky time, same Rocky channel.

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About Sal Marinello

  • Four points:

    (1) Kent State should not be on this list anymore. They won, they played their way out of this. Miami U. (not Miami of Ohio) is 0-3 with losses to Kent State, Northwestern, and Purdue. All of those are bad losses.

    (2) Where’s Eastern Michigan in all this? EMU understandably lost by 32 to Michigan State but has also dropped a pair to Northwestern and Ball State. Not sure why the two winless MAC teams are not even on your radar.

    (3) Not. One. Sun. Belt. Team.

    (4) Sadly, Temple is joining the MAC next year.

  • sal m

    1) here’s why kent state will remain in the rocky 5. from the first edition of “the 5,”
    “Well – I answer – because Rocky 5 is the worst movie of all time, and what better way to honor the memory of a horrible movie by coming up with a weekly list of the 5 worst football programs in the nation. And I use the term “program” to distinguish between the teams that are awful in a given season and the teams that have made a long term commitment to being awful over the long haul.

    A team will have to do a lot more than get blown out by 50 in a given week or go 2-10 for the season to be able to crack this top 5. The Rocky 5 will concentrate its attention on the teams that are putrid and non-competitive, week in and week out, year in and year out.”

    Plus it is Miami from Oxford, OH, not Miami from Miami FL…so from now on if i refer to the redhawks, i will refer to them as the Miami from Oxford,OH and NOT the Miami from Miami, FL.

    2)EMU is bad, but not in the league of the lower-echelon teams. they went 4-7 in each of the past 2 seasons with an 8-9 record in the MAC, and if you look at their schedule they play enough MAC patsies like bowling green to win another 4 games. if they go “O-fer” or get hammered in the next few weeks they’ll get some consideration.

    3)the sun belt isn’t as bad as the MAC. florida atlantic was a 1-AA independent until 2005 so they haven’t spent enough time in the big time to get picked on and they’ve played clemson,kansas state and oklahoma state and visit the gamecocks this weekend, so they are at least trying in their second year in 1-A.
    arkansas state beat army week one and lost okla state and the other teams at least win some in conference games, not like the worst of the MAC’s worst.

    4) adding temple seals the MAC’s fate.

  • Yeah but if you want longtime futility why look back only two years for EMU? Their last winning season was ’95. From ’96 through this year they’ve yet to win more than four games.

  • sal m

    EMU still hasn’t been bad enough, long enough to jump over the purveyors of recidivist rottenness such as buffalo, kent state, and the others.

  • “And while we’re on the subject, Kent State will be in the Rocky 5 this week despite their upset win. A team is going to have to do a lot more than just beat a MAC team before it is allowed to check out of the Hotel Rocky 5. ”

    This ignorant comment shows what little you know about college football. You should stick to commenting about something more on your level; like possibly- basket weaving.

  • sal m

    really now todd? why don’t you provide some enlightenment? has kent state quietly been taking care of business all these years under the radar?

    tell us why, especially now that toilet bowling green has lost to kent state, the MAC isn’t one of the worst conferences in the universe? is the addition of temple going to improve the complexion of the MAC?

    just because one awful team beats another awful team (or two awful teams) doesn’t mean that the winning team isn’t awful anymore.

    and you should be happy now that kent state has beaten 2 terrible MAC teams and can move out of the rocky 5.

  • “tell us why, especially now that toilet bowling green has lost to kent state, the MAC isn’t one of the worst conferences in the universe?”

    Having 2 starting QBs that come from the MAC playing on Sundays, one of which happens to have a Super Bowl win already might be something you should consider.

    But then, that would be using logic, something that is apparently lacking in this venue.

  • Todd: It’s actually three quarterbacks. But I don’t see how their success in the NFL has anyting to do with the MAC East — save Akron — being completely pathetic this year.

  • Sal said the MAC, not the MAC East.

    Every conference has teams that don’t play particularly well from time to time.

    Bashing the MAC, in general, as if they have no talent is just showing your ignorance.

    Matthew T. Sussman, I guess you join that group.

  • This year they’re worse than usual, and I don’t know why that offends you. The good teams are all in the West and the East has nothing special but Akron. Admitting Temple to the conference is just gonna make things worse.

    Miami’s off to its first 0-4 start since 1989. BG had its worst loss at Perry Stadium ever. Buffalo — well — BUFFALO! Kent State is in first place atop the division, and this is a team that lost to a hapless Army team. Face it, pal, the conference reeks this year. I hope they do pull out a couple bowl victories thanks to Akron, CMU and WMU, but I’m not holding out hope just yet.

    And Todd, you’re the one calling me ignorant when I had to fact check your irrelevant MAC QBs in the NFL stat for ya. Fascinating.

  • As I count them, it’s Charlie Frye in Cleveland and Roethlisberger in Pittsburgh.

    I didn’t include Pennington or Leftwich as Marshall is no longer in the MAC, even though at the time they played for Marshall they were indeed in that conference.

    It would be 4 if you include those guys plus a possible 5th if you include Gradkowski in Tampa if he starts in 2 weeks due to Simms injury.

    The point is that it’s dangerous to generalize and intimate that the conference is devoid of talent.

  • sal m

    you obviously have a hard time understanding the point, and don’t read very well either.

    from kent state’s standpoint, they have been awful for the better part of 4 decades and 2 wins so far doesn’t erase their history of horribleness. thanks to the lousy teams in the MAC – from both sides of the conference – they might be able to win 4 more games.

    i never said that there wasn’t any talent in the MAC, i said the MAC stinks. there’s a big difference. individual talent has nothing to do with how good or bad a team or a conference is.

    as an example, the putrid teams that rutgers fielded for the better part of a decade always had one or two guys on the roster who wound up in the nfl. and nfl rosters are populated by guys who have played on putrid teams from just about every conference in the country.

    if you want to use the qb position as an example there have been many nfl qbs from terrible teams, not just good teams in terrible conferences. despite the fact that vanderbilt enjoyed some success (5 wins) in jay cutler’s senior season – a guy many people said was the best qb in this past draft – they only won 11 games in his 4 years.

    look at the MAC scoreboard from this past week and make the case that the conference isn’t awful.

  • Hairynipples

    what is the diference between the MAC and the MAAC, besides the one A????

    If the NY Giants 1st halves were measured, they would be right in the hunt for the Rocky V

  • sal m

    MAAC and the MEAC exist so as to make the MAC members feel better about themselves…actually when Temple found out that they had applied to the MAC instead of the MEAC they were very upset.