Lead: The first person to throw rocks on a team.
Stop me if you've heard this before. Ken Griffey, Jr. broke his hand. And he wasn't even diving for a ball. He was simply playing with his kids at home.
While the rest of the Reds may don the new uniforms in 2007, the jersey designer best make one for Griffey out of polystyrene.
Second: The second person to throw rocks on a team.
Equally injured is Yao Ming. Thing is, this isn't Yao's offseason. His bum knee will sideline him at least six weeks. To replace their 7'6" center, the Houston Rockets plan to glue two streetballin' kids together, end-to-end. (Hey, it worked in the cartoons.) Failing that, they could ask Professor Farnsworth if his mutants aren't doing anything.
Sweep: To brush in front of the thrown rock with one's broom, which heats the ice and allows the rock to travel further and keep it on target.
Philadelphia may boo Santa Claus and Terrell Owens, but the former mortal enemy befuddled the latter on Christmas. As a result, the Eagles have swept the season series with the division rival Cowboys, 23-7. They now lead the NFC East behind Jeff Garcia.
If the media wants Donovan McNabb to succeed, and Garcia, who is part-Mexican, leads the Eagles to the playoffs, then is half of Lou Dobbs right when he says they're taking good-paying jobs from hard-working Americans?
Come-around: A rock that curls around a guard and lands behind it.
The Arizona Diamondbacks have made an offer to the New York Yankees to trade for their former ace, Randy Johnson. Now 43 and recovering from offseason back surgery, Johnson's fastball isn't what it used to be. In fact, it's about as fast as Hootie Johnson's fastball.
So not only do the Detroit Tigers trade for overpriced Gary Sheffield, but now the Diamondbacks — and Padres, 'tis rumored — are inquiring about Johnson and his $16 million salary. Why exactly are all these teams willing to absorb the Pinstripes' payroll when they could get a perfectly capable Gil Meche for dirt cheap?
Extra end: Curling's overtime.
Don't get me wrong – Ricky Rudd coming out of retirement is really awesome, and I have no problem with him driving a car sponsored by Snickers. But if he can't find a spot on his suit for at least one little Tide logo, may he burn in twisted wreckage every week.
Hammer: The final rock of the end.
I've yet to witness a game on the NFL Network. Oh, it's not that I don't get the channel, it's that my cable company is apparently getting scrooged by the channel, claiming the price for the NFL Network would increase almost eight times if they wanted rights to air the games. So currently my version of the NFL Network is a 24-hour documentary about where and when Bart Starr took a dump.
There is a movement to get this atrocity taken to Congress — and it seems to be working — but unless there's some super-duper complex antitrust thingamajigger happening, what on earth will Congress do about it, and should it even be their business?
The NFL has unquestionably made their sport the most popular in the United States, so they've certainly earned the privilege to write the price tag on airing their games. But if Roger Goodell plays Icarus and skyrockets the price too close to the sun, then the NBA just may gain a share of the sports fans' attention burned off from the pride of the NFL.
Besides, none of the games they've aired have been that exciting.
So if the unhappy sports fan cries "Congress, they're being mean!" anytime there's unfair play from a sports entity, next thing you'll know we'll have House Resolutions directing the New York Yankees to trade Randy Johnson to the Diamondbacks, or to make it illegal for Ken Griffey to get hurt anymore.
Actually, Congress and I would be cool if they could perhaps make it a law for Ricky Rudd to drive nothing but the Tide car.