A weekly baseball rundown of one’s own team? Hey, I’m well aware that I’m stealing this idea off fine gentleman Brian Kist. But if you’ve been reading Semper Cardinalis, you’d want to try this too. So here’s the summary of Detroit’s 2-4 road trip which shrank their lead over Minnesota, a team of which you’ll quickly understand I’m terrified, to two games.
Monday, June 29: Oakland 7, Detroit 1 — The Tigers struck out 14 times; although in all fairness, I think 12 of those were by Rob Deer. A’s fans were able to hang enough “K”s in the stands to give one to every fan in attendance. Rick Porcello, the 20-year-old you did not expect, had an outing you would expect out of a 20-year-old. This game also marked the debut of Taiwanese import Fu-Te Ni, which is the reason Tigers fans began saying, “we are the Knights Fu-Te … Ni!”
Tuesday, June 30: Detroit 5, Oakland 3 — This was Level 5 in Marble Madness. Everything you know is wrong. The power was supplied by Placido Polanco and the great pitching was courtesy of Armando Galarraga. A semblance of reality came back into our mental states as Fernando Rodney gave up a two-run Jack Johnson to Mark Ellis, whose second home run of the year (and of the series) was helped by a magic wand that appeared over his head.
Wednesday, July 1: Oakland 5, Detroit 1 — Gerald Laird hit an RBI double! And then I blacked out for seven innings.
Friday, July 3: Detroit 11, Minnesota 9, 16 innings — This game went so long I’m pretty sure I saw Greg Gohr warming up in the bullpen. And the marathon of a game was all thanks to Zach Miner, who pissed away a 7-2 lead in the sixth. God, I hate the Twins.
Saturday, July 4: Minnesota 4, Detroit 3 — On the penultimate American holiday, it was the crafty Venezuelan, Magglio Ordoñez, whose three-run Caracas gave Detroit a slim lead only Brandon Lyon could light on fire and explode in the air. God, I hate the Twins.
Sunday, July 5: Minnesota 6, Detroit 2 — This is where everyone starts to wonder whether or not that 20-year-old is really all that and a bag of Funyuns. Porcello could only last four innings, surrendering all runs, and the only “hooray” came in the ninth when Brandon Inge made his case for the All-Star Final Vote by clobbering a two-run homer off complete gamer Nick Blackburn. God, I hate the Twins.