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The Reality of ‘Signs’

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After watching my DVD of M. Night Shyamalan’s “Signs”, I was reminded of how much it had affected my life. In Signs, aliens prepare for an invasion of earth by making “crop circles” in cornfields. Once here, they kill humans for food. However, the aliens have a fatal weakness: water. Contact with the stuff can kill them.

As you may know, I live in Iowa. I commute about 25 miles to work, over a country highway surrounded by cornfields. After seeing Signs for the first time, I quickly rushed to the local Wal-Mart to purchase a water gun. Specifically, I purchased a Super Soaker CPS 1200, a pump-action water blaster. I keep it loaded in my Civic.

Then, one night last fall, it happened. I was on my way home late from work. It was dark out. Suddenly, my car sputtered. It began to slow down. I pulled over to the side of the road, where the car died. I looked at the gas gauge. The needle was on E. Those damn aliens had telekinetically siphoned all the gas out of my car!

With trepidation I got out of my car. To my right was a huge cornfield. Looking around, I saw lights in the distance. A farmhouse–but it was at least a half mile away. I went to the passenger side of my car and got out my Super Soaker. If the aliens were going to get me before I made it to safety, I wasn’t going down without a fight.

As I began my trek to the farmhouse, I tried to stay as far from the cornfield as I could. But then I heard a rustling noise in the cornfield. I felt myself irresistibly drawn to it. I cautiously entered the rows of corn. No rustling noise. I relaxed.

No wait! There it was, off to my left. My hands trembled as I pointed the Super Soaker in the direction of the noise. I steadied them. I moved slowly forward.

There it was again! And a corn stalk was moving! I mustered all of my courage, screamed at the top of my lungs, and ran toward the corn stalk with the Super Soaker blasting.

Suddenly, the alien jumped out from behind the corn stalk. I fired away at it, but it was too quick. It dodged the water spray, and scampered away.

I say scampered, because the alien looked like a jackrabbit. It had cleverly transmorphed itself to fit into the country surrounding. But it was an alien all right. Why else would it run away when I tried to hit it with my Super Soaker?

I finally made it to the farmhouse. The nice man who answered the door gave me a strange look when he saw me holding the Super Soaker. After I explained that my car was out of gas, he pointed to the Soaker and said “What’s that for?” “To fight aliens,” I replied. He gave me another strange look.

Regardless, he went out to his garage and got a gas can. He pointed to his pickup truck and said “Hop in.” I said, “Hang on a minute.” I went to the faucet on the side of the house and filled up the Soaker. “Just in case,” I said to the nice man. He gave me a third strange look.

After gassing up the car, I thought to myself how fortunate I was to have bought a Super Soaker. If I hadn’t, I surely would have been alien food-stuff. Thank God for M. Night Shyamalan’s timely warning.

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About David Hogberg

  • That is one of the funniest things I’ve read in a while. Thanks, David.

    Of course, I don’t see crop-circle movies as a matter of principle, but I was amused having seen only the previews.

  • What’s so funny about it? I was terrified! 😉

  • Close call, dude. Just think, if Ted Kennedy and all those other damned liberals took over, they’d yank ALL your guns. You’d be defenseless against the aliens!

  • Now I know why Ted is trying to take away my guns! He is an alien!

  • Dave

    If you don’t have the Super Soaker, just trap the alien in a pantry!

  • roo

    look i am new so i dont no stuff