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The Pop Star Cycle

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Current Listen: "Wild Sex (In The Working Class)" – Oingo Boingo

Ah Britney. Britney Britney Britney. You continue to amaze, becoming more and more of a caricature with each passing week. I'm not a tabloid fanatic, but this news bit did strike me, only because my mom and I had a conversation about this a few years ago.

There is a cycle to being a pop star, and with the recent allegations of her divorce from the train wreck that is Kevin Federline, she's one step closer to completion on said cycle.

Step One: Pretty blonde teenager makes a pop album. Fame ensues.
Step Two: Pop Star "grows up" by alternating cute Lolita image for nasty slut. The delusions begin that she is, in fact, a musician.
Step Three: Attempt acting. Movie bombs.
Step Four: First failed marriage and rehab. (Oh, I'm sorry, it was "exhaustion.")
Step Five: Third album disappoints. The Greatest hits album does the same.
Step Six: Second marriage, baby(s), and weight gain. This is accompanied with blaming the paparazzi for everything while crying on talk shows.
Step Seven: Slim down, dump husband. Talk show circuit, more crying and the promise of a comeback.

And now we're just waiting for:

Step Eight: Mediocre comeback. This includes the Casino circuit, maybe a show in Vegas, taking second billing to All You Can Eat shrimp cocktail.
Step Nine: Semi-retirement with kids, and an occasional piece in the "Where are they now" section of your favorite celebrity rag.

In the words of Stephen Colbert: I CALLED IT!

As for Kevin Federline, he'll end up on The Surreal Life. My friend Mike and I were discussing the idea behind Mike Judges' Idiocracy and decided that it was probably based on Kevin Federline. Think about it — the man spawned four children. The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, perhaps? Only they'd have to ride short horses and they'd bring plague and pestilence with crayons up their nose. Although I have to admit, "Fed-Ex" is the greatest nickname ever.

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