Home / The Omen Remake: Let the Battle Commence!

The Omen Remake: Let the Battle Commence!

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News from the integrity frontline is not good. The bayonets have only just begun their furious assaults, portions of flesh dancing in the air like a monk gone mad on the acidics. Hundreds of marching anonyms lined up in the vis-à-vis position, staring deep into ‘the other’ postured opposite. One side the heavy-hearted swarms of protest, people with the couplets of Chaucer spinning around in their skulls. The other side the gas-masked devils of dividend priority, the stooped and disfigured shapes of the studio execs. One side armed with DVD evidentials in remonstration against the vicious attack on all semblances of decency being orchestrated by the suits. The other side with a large ledger filled with company memoranda authenticating the very intentions they aim to highlight.

One false word, one sneering countenance, one wind passed wrongly, is all that it will take to prompt those masses to advance straight into the atomising gulf laid out in front of them. It’s a dangerous time; who knows what will occur on the scarred earth where they are situated?

Hell, let’s not beat that bush about, they are already warring. Conflicts erupting out of the ether at every temporal moment. There are even examples of malicious in-fighting, a once innocent remark such as “ah, why not remake it,” is now justification for a venomous shoving of industrial revolution matter into orifices not more than one inch in circumference.

The battle lines were drawn when 20th Century Fox (yes Murdoch’s own pet mammal) announced it was to remake that most chilling of Satan-themed horrors, Richard Donner’s The Omen. The logic behind this move is weak even by studio standards; it isn’t the need for Americanisation of Asian cinema this time, it is none other than a date. This the year of 2006, a year that brings with it the opportunity to make marketing use of those numbers that feature so eloquently in the original The Omen, the three sixes. The release date stands at 6th June 2006. This is perhaps the first time a film’s release date has been set even before scripting and other pre-production activity have taken place.

And who are the actors in this cause of so much death in the trenches? Has it been designated a teen-orientation? Will we get Lindsey Lohan running about as a female Damien (well why not with all the gender line blurring these days?)? Seth Green as Ambassador Thorn? The Olsen twins as two of those three sixes?

It’s not quite as bad as that, although Julia Stiles from such things as Save The Last Dance and 10 Things I Hate About You, is playing Mrs Thorn, alongside Liev Schreiber as Thorn himself. I don’t have any bad words to say about Schreiber, he was Welles after all, although I only saw about fifteen minutes of that film. And Knox Harrington from The Big Lebowski (ya know, the art fellow), David Thewlis, is playing that inquisitor of obscure theology who befriends Thorn.

But do not let a few words lacking in the nefarious stance necessary here fool you into thinking thoughts such as, “hey, maybe this whole remake is a good idea, oh c’mon honey, lets spend that fateful day sucking the smouldering phallus of the studio bigwig with nothing more than a mindless brain-dead expression on our soon-to-be soaked faces.”

It’s not the way, I tell you. These guys need to be strapped to the most repugnant of throatily gunk and set off downstream towards the Angel Falls. Only that will cause cessation to their money-obsessed ways. When will the green-factor die? Will it ever? Maybe bloody battle is the only way forward. I can only envision knife fights between a fan of Bunuel and some random yes-man from the upper reaches of Warner Bros. How’s this for profit, a good stabbing in the bronchia? Hey I’m sure that can be sold itself, “New on Fox for this fall season, it’s Studio Middle-Management Deathmatch, brought to you by the good folks who will themselves partake in the brawls within, carnage guaranteed!”

It’s only a matter of time. Let the red spillage ensue!

Visit me at Generic Mugwump.

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About Aaron Fleming

  • Brilliant, Sir Fleming! Ha! hells fire, what a giddy mangle o’ brilliant imagery an wordplay.

    As to the remake thingymajig, i dunno that i’m overly bothered. I think there are ALWAYS horrific trends, and all a man can do is, well, ignore ’em. and it makes for some swell DVD re-issues.

    but certainly i ain’t got much of a care in the world to see these things. i’ll see The Omen, mainly on account of a fondness for the franchise (an no remake can be as bad as Omen IV), but other than that i ain’t got a desire in my skull to sit in front of the likes of, say, The Fog.

    Alexandre Aja’s The Hills Have Eyes remake is a different matter entirely, mind you, since it has less in common with these dull redundant retellings than it does with brilliantly sick an thought provoking fair along the lines of Hostel, plus it’s Aja workin at his censor-terrifyin best without the hinderance of a shitty flick-destroyin “twist” like what undid all the good of the first half hour o’ Switchblade Romance. other than that, though, an the King Kong an so on, it’s just a big ol’ hunk of studio wank, to be ignored an cast aside in aniticipation of the next studio wank craze. thank god Gormless “Spoof” With Wit Of A Gnat’s Arse-Spray Season is over, although this Date Movie shite seems to be clingin on like cack on a bear’s arsehole.

  • Let us not forget Carpenter’s gloriously gory remake of the Thing From Another World.

    Excellent work Sir Fleming. These things need to be brought forth so that we can ridicule them and toss them back to the gates of hell.

    And by gawd just the thought of using the Olsen twins as two of the three sixes sends me into phantasmagorical spams.

  • ha! the olsen sixes thing was brilliant, i agree.

    also, i’ll go ahead an assume that Sir Fleming is referin to the current slate of remakes, which is fairly full-on. a rash of asian flicks that are carbon copies of the original, with the odd embellishment here or there, for example, flicks that are just brain-numbingly pointless. a rash of classic horror flicks remade because Texas Chain Saw Massacre etc turned out ok.

    personally, i don’t mind flicks that add somethin to the original, an the remake thing is not always bad. i’m REALLY lookin forward to The Hills Have Eyes, as i said up yonder, an Sir Brewster’s raising of The Thing takes me to The Fly. the difference, i supose, in the case of those flicks an the majority of the current stew, is that Cronenberg and Carpenter made vastly different films from the originals, retainin only the core ideas. an BETTER films, also.

    which is probably the best way to handle these things. take flicks with great ideas that were kinda underwhelming and flesh those ideas out. (REALLY flesh them out, in Cronenberg’s case. put their willy’s in medicine cabinets, for example.)

    the notion of remakin a flick becuase it’s really good is the height of fuckin absurdity. sadly, it’s easier to say “hey studio execs, how bout we remake this flick made a hella loada money, everyone loves it!” than “how bout we remake this flick everyone hated an do it right?”

    but there are, i dare say, more good or at least reasonable remakes than bad out of this current load. Dawn Of The Dead and Texas Chain Saw Massacre, whilst FAR inferior to the originals, were none the less great flicks. The Ring was incredibly good (The Ring 2 made my throat burn wi boredom an despair), The Grudge, whilst pointless, was still far from a bad flick. etc etc. The Amityville Horror was better than the original, although still far from amazing. (it ain’t no Amityville II – The Possession though)

    tellin the same story ain’t always so bad, although obviously a fella would prefer NEW stories. at least these folks are bein honest. “yeah, we’re usin the ideas those guys had”. so are far too many other writers an directors, they’re just callin the flicks things like Godsend and Stigmata.

  • i’ll shut up now cause i’m takin up FAR too much room, but a remake of The Eye would be a splendid idea. or eye-dea. ha.

    actually, it most likely IS in the remake stage as we speak.

  • Thanks for the comments guys.

    Absolutely I’m talking about the current state of remakes, i.e. the approximately identical versions which are pointless. In fact I yacked about this ages ago, go see it here: Remake rant from back in the day.

    Haha, actually that piece of writing begins by The Duke informing me of The Eye remake! And yes it makes much more sense to take a really poor film and give it the remake treatment than something that was done splendidly, thus we have The Thing and The Fly.

  • Part of this has to do with the foreign element. For the most part Americans don’t watch cinema with the subtitles. Sure, this has gotten better with the Crouching Tigers and Bloody Jesus’s but for the most part, we don’t like to read movies.

    Shame on my stinking culture I say, but it remains mostly a fact. So these Hollywood producers see an Asian idea that’s freaking brilliant then ship the idea to the US, throw soem WB star into the mix and call it original.

    This doesn’t explain the whole Omen thing, but has a lot to do with the many remakes. Hollywood seems to be rather lazy of late. It’s like they expect us as an audience to go see something simply because we went to the first version.

    I’ll agree with you boys in that I don’t mind the remaking of soemthing that didn’t quite work the first time, but remains an interesting idea. If your only reason to remake a classic is to update the special effects, and your name isn’t George Lucas – scratch that, even if your name is George Lucas – then go back to the typwriter and come up with something original.