Home / The NEO-CONS Solutions to the War on Terror

The NEO-CONS Solutions to the War on Terror

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I was on my way to a hunting trip with Judge Scalia and Big Dick Cheney. While I was sitting in my undisclosed location waiting for Air Force Two to pick me up, I came across this newspaper article left by some alcoholic slob who resembled a cross between Paul Wolfovitz and Shane MacGowan. Thought it was pretty funny, but then again, I laughed at “Elf”.

(If you don’t like these, I’ve got some knock-knock fart jokes…)

“It’s important to keep the Neo-Cons happy,” by Dicklan McCrackpot, The Sunday Drunken Moron, March 21, 2004:

“Let’s show how we value democracy, pluralism and freedom enough to take on the sworn enemies of decadent western values. Let’s wave the American flag (made in China) and do the following in order to win the war on terrorism and SUPPORT OUR PRESIDENT:

1. Don’t make any sacrifices — other than your military-age sons and daughters. Don’t cut back on anything, especially gas from the Middle East. Don’t conserve. Buy a Hummer. Shop till you drop. If you don’t go to the mall, the terrorists will have won.

2. Encourage state-sponsored religion, especially the Fundamentalist variety; call it “faith based” to disguise it from those pesky people who respect and revere the Constitution. Never mind that state-approved fundamentalist religion is at the heart of the terrorists’ fanatical justifications for everything they do. Our God can kick Allah’s ass and you know it.

3. Celebrate life, protect the unborn, but ignore any dead children that pop up on your TV screen as ‘collateral damage’. Find handy euphemisms for any barbaric acts you need to commit in order to maintain your macho patriotism.

4. Don’t worry about arresting bigmouthed leftist intellectuals; we’ve got the Patriot Act — and we know what they’re reading, where they live, and if they have any precious pets or children.

5. When any “whistle blower” threatens to tell the truth about the Bush government, remind them of Ambassador Wilson’s wife, Valerie Plame — or better yet, show them a few frames of the Zapruder film and ask them, “Get the picture, asshole?”

6. Don’t worry about rounding up the Jews; we’ve always got Mel Gibson.

7. Change the name of french fries to “freedom fries”; change “french kiss” to “Texas tongued”;

8. Add the Crusades to the Confederate Re-enactors agenda. Organize a Children’s Crusade using unemployed minorities from “da hood”; tell them Afghanistan is the largest producer of heroin in the world and that it’s first come — first served.

9. Give Michael Moore back to the Moors.

10. Give Africa AIDS using stealth ‘health workers’ from the CIA. (Whoops. Done! Cross that one off!)

11. Give Afghanistan back to the democratic, freedom loving Afghans… if you can find any.

12. Give Iraq a taste of Democracy, but when the civil war breaks out –or they vote for a nut-case theocracy, tell them we were just kidding, kill all males over 12, and take their friggin’ oil like we should have done in the first place.

13. Change term “Spanish fly” to “Appeaser Maggot”

14. Give the rich a tax break and send through a bill that denies poor people the ability to make Overtime money at their minimum wage jobs.

15. Either cancel the Olympics, or try to get George W. to lighten up on that anti-steroid shit he’s been spouting. What was that about?

16. Invade Mexico, then reinstate the draft for any ‘citizen’ south of the Rio Grande. Heh. Those Messcuns want jobs… we got ’em.

17. When asked, say Jesus is your favorite philosopher. (Don’t worry about that Sermon on the Mount stuff, just act like you admire his works. You don’t really have to read or practice them.)

18. Invade any country you think you can whip. It’s great for morale, military spending, and the perfect distraction while we rob the country blind.

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About Mark Shark

  • Shark

    This was inspired by *this

    *(Open Me First!)

  • 13. Change term “Spanish fly” to “Appeaser Maggot”


  • is it just me or does ShaneMacgowan look just like that dude from the Beastie Boys?

    (ok, it’s probably just me)

  • Hey, that was really funny, actually. It’s always amusing to see one’s politically correct, soft-on-terror sensitivities inflamed. Thanks for the laughs. ~ MEM

  • politically correct & soft-on-terror, eh?

    i don’t know about where you come from but where i come from the world is in color.

    …but i guess the black & white version is easier to understand.

  • I think 1st Lt. Mark V. Shaney USMC said it best when he said:

    “…this is not defined as an absence of war. It is the presence of liberty, stability, and prosperity. In the face of the enemy. Don’t buy into the pessimism and apathy that says, “It’s hopeless,” “They hate us too much,” “That part of the men and women serving here in Iraq the enemy wherever you are. You are a mighty force for good, because truth is on your side. Together we will ultimately fail. That is why I am asking for your support. Become a voice of truth in your community. Wherever you are fight the lies of the men and women serving here in Iraq the enemy wherever you are. You are the soldiers at home fighting the war of perception with the media and American people. Our enemy has learned that the people in the highest regard. We love to criticize ourselves almost to an endless degree, because we care what others think. ”

    Raymond Onar
    And as always: “Quidquid excusatio prandium pro!

  • Shark

    As long as we’re quoting Marines, how about this:

    “…we know that we might soon die and this is not funny, the possibility of death, but like many combatants before us, we laugh to obscure the tragedy of our cheap, squandered lives with the comedy of combat and being deployed to protect oil reserves and the rights and profits of certain American companies, many of which have direct ties to the White House, and oblique financial entanglements with the Secretary of Defense Dick Cheney, and the commander in chief, George Bush, and the commander’ progeny.

    “…We know this because Keuhn, on of our representatives from Texas, says: “All those old white fuckers from Texas have their fat hands in Arab oil. The motherfuckers drink it like beer!”

    “…And at this point we also know that the outcome of the conflict is less important for us — the men who will fight and die — than for the old white fuckers and others who have billions of dollars to gain or lose in the oil fields…”

    — excerpt from “JARHEAD” by Anthony Swofford (Gulf War I)