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The Mars Volta: De-Loused in the Comatorium

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Revolt of The Volta Lord

“Resistance is futile.”
The words shoot out again and again.
“Resistance is futile.”
An ugly soldier marches up and down the line of dirty, bowed peasants. No one had tried to escape yet, but as The Volta Lord said, best not to get them even started thinking that way. The soldier stopped in front of a kid at the end of the line. A helmet sat crookedly on his head and a cardboard sword was tied to his waist. The soldier leered over him.
“Look at this. His sword’s too small, his helmet’s too large, and these peasants don’t know the difference!” Jeering laughter swelled up from the other soldiers. A tear created a wet streak on the kid’s cheek. The soldier leaned down and whispered, “Resistance is futile.” He walked away with a smirk. Periodically bellowing, “Resistance is futile!” he made his way back down the line.

Inside a dark castle The Volta Lord plotted his dominance on a map. Five territories under his control, the rest of the world to go. He had no doubt that he could do it. After all, he had the war god on his side. With the war god there would be no mercy.
“Resistance is futile.” He whispers softly to himself.

Leo stared at the sky. Being a general in The Volta Lord’s army meant that you could do that. His assistant sits down beside him.
“We should be in Territory Six tomorrow. Do you want their general’s head on a platter again?”
“Ye… no. Wait. Yes. We show no mercy. Death is the best form of no mercy. It’ll be a bloody mess, though.”
“Bastard.”
“Resistance is futile.”

[The following is an excerpt from a 3008 youth history book]
Territory Six fell with unusual ease. General Leo Bondoo killed everything in his path. Man, woman, child, dog, pig, everything feel victim to his sword. They found the general, one Macey Penney, washing his hands in a basin, his eyes bloodshot and round. A sword blade made quick work of him, and, as demanded, his head was quickly salvaged and placed on a platter. It is rumored that even The Volta King was there when the general’s assistant presented General Leo Bondoo with the head. Resistance was, indeed, futile.

Unbeknownst to most, The Volta Lord had a twin. He was on another world, Mars to be precice, and his name was The Mars Volta King. Not exactly creative, but it sufficed. He was out in his pool, laying down on his back. His long green hair streamed into the water and dangled menacingly. Absentmindedly he stared at the clouds. “Ooooh! There’s one that looks like a space ship!”
As he focused closer on it, he gave a shout of surprise. “I’ll be damned!”
A real ship had not visited his humble planet in years.

“You see it’s simple. We cannot defeat The Volta Lord on our own. We need back up and you’re the only planet that is on friendly terms with us.”
“You do realize that you are asking me to side against my own brother?”
“Yes.”
“I love it.”
“Resistance is not futile.”

Fingers dance lightly across the table. The wind whipped easily across the land. A heavenly choir starts to sing. Ashes blow and human voices cry. Without remorse The Volta Lord ravishes earth. “Resistance is futile!” Only seven territories remain undefeated.

There was a meeting between the leaders of the remain territories and The Mars Volta King.
“Why is this happening? What does The Volta Lord want?”
The Mars Volta King, without blinking, “I alone know the truth. But can you handle the truth?”
The Seven Representatives, blinking, “Um. Yes, we need to know the truth.”
“Ok, here it is.
“We are nothing but the creation of a figment of imagination. You are no one. I am nobody. We have been called into existance, and yes, this delima, due to the overactive imagination of some brat 19 year old who needs to write a cd review.”
“Say what?”
“I knew you couldn’t handle the truth. The cd however, is truth and does exist and we are here for no reason other than to inform real people of it’s existance. The cd it’s self is kind of latin-flavoured alternative jam with prog rock influences. It’s pretty cool at first listen but gets rather boring rather quick. But that doesn’t help us here and now, because it doesn’t change the fact that we need to defeat The Volta Lord.”

There was a thundercloud above The Volta Lord’s head. Lightning flickers and suddenly strikes the empty chair opposite him. General Leo Bondoo shivered and knew the news upset his master. “Why would my brother fight against me?”
“If I dare say, m’Lord, he craves excitement and you two have always hated each other.”
“Shut up.”
“Resistance is futlie!”
“Shut up. That’s our line.”

The arrow flew, propelled partly by the force of the bow, and partly with the will of The Volta Lord, as the arrow would not have gotten farther than 200 feet otherwise. As it is, it traveled across several territories before finding it’s victim. “Damn you, Theory, damn you!” were the last words The Mars Volta King uttered before collapsing in a broken heap at the Seven’s feet.

That was the signal of the end. Soon there were only four free territories. Then two. The Last Two died shaking hands, tears in their eyes. “Resistance was futile. These are dark days indeed.” The peasants who survived went on with their life. The Volta Lord burried his brother, the tombstone reading, “No Thanks To You.” And thus ushered in a new era, where everyone bowed before and prayed to The Volta Lord.

The End.

About The Theory

  • RASHEEDAH M. WHITAKER

    IM INSPIRED BY MARS VOLTA BAND AND I WORK WITH HOMELESS VETS,AND THEY WOULD REALLY APPRECIATE IT IF YOU GUYS WOULD COME TO OUR SITE AND PERFORM A NON PROFIT CONCERT.

    WE ARE LOSING VETERANS DUE TO THE FACT THAT WE NEVER HAVE ANY ACTIVITIES OR GUESS SPEAKERS TO SHOW THAT THEY ARE NOT FORGOTTEN,AND WE REALLY DO APPRECIATE THE FACT THEY SERVED OUR COUNTRY.PLUS I’VE HEARD VETERANS MENTION HOW MUCH THEY LOVE YOUR MUSIC,PLUS A LOT OF VETS BEEN LISTENING TO THE MUSIC SINCE THE DAYS AT THE DRIVE IN.THE MUSIC IS UNBELEIVABLE AND I’M NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO THINKS SO.

    SO THE MARS VOLTA WHEN YOU ARE IN LOS ANGELES IF YOU CAN STOP BY IT WIL BE APPRECIATED AND I’M SURE IT WILL BE AN AMAZING EVENT

  • http://www.behindthehype.com Pop Rock

    Wonder when someone will knock Volta off their throne.