Vasco da Gama says, “We’re your galaxy now, Dave.”
Hal (2002: Space Odyssey): “Just what do you think you’re doing, Dave?”
For a team called the Galaxy they sure are touchy about David Posh’s intergalactic journeys. It finally hit them like a meteor. I guess. Let’s listen to the GM of the Galaxy Alexei Lalas shall we?
“We (the Battlestar Galactica) have a vested interest in this player and we have spent a tremendous amount of money to retain his services.”
Have they paid any attention at all? First comes the money, then the glamor, then Englandia, and then maybe – just maybe – the mothership -LA Galaxy.
Giovanni Caboto shrugs and exclaims, “A break here and there and it coulda been close…”
Texas Rangers 30 Baltimore Orioles 3.
What does one say after such a game? At least they played better than the Wilmington Quicksteps? No,man. Words can’t describe such a score line. You need something deeper. Do you think they were handing out copies of “L’Étranger’ by the existentialist writer Albert Camus? Or seeing as they were in Texas and “King of the Hill” may have been the choice of distraction?
Algonquin fur runner sitting in for Jacques Cartier who is battling scurvy observes, “Shut up and play baseball you weenies…”
Men are so girlie now. I was watching the Toronto Blue Jays and New York Yankees hammer each other earlier this month. It seems you can’t throw at anybody anymore without the batter acting like a princess.
Mind you, MLB and the umps have not helped matters. The way they are handling this hearkens back to the instigator rule in hockey in the NHL. The one where if you drop your gloves first – without an expressed note from your mother – you get your butt kicked from the game.
Anyway, Alex Rodriguez may be a fearsome hitter but he ain’t scaring people with those beautiful green eyes.
Alex (clawing in mid-air): “Hold me back, I swear I’ll kill him!”
Jeter (rolls eyes and arms crossed): “Um, no one is holding you back, Gay-Rod.“
Sir Francis Drake laments, “I told him to stick to cockfighting…Ain’t no one give a damn ‘bout no chicken.”
I’m sure Michael “I’m really a good guy” Vick has a lotta regrets. I know I have many. Like the time I told my mother I was gay for fun. She still looks at me funny.
It’s all for the better.
Moving along, did anyone catch what Roy Jones Jr. had to say in defense of Vick? Let me paraphrase:
“Qwerty lkjhj jsdhseeshx shhddu ssjdjdfhr sjd456%#$#.”
Someone on a call-in show had this to say supposed cultural aspect of this crime: “50 hoodlums congregating around a broken shack to watch animals rip each to shreds constitutes a culture?”
Any questions? Well?
Magellan quips, “Barry Bonds is demanding Red Bull testing…”
66 million people took in the New Yor….excuse me? 66 thousand? Oh. Well, that changes everything. Cough. It was a rather sophomoric albeit thrilling 5-4 Red Bulls victory over the LA Beckham’s that kept the minds of many New Yorkers off Eli Manning’s tif with Tiki Barber (I know my timing of the events is off. You get the picture) and Derek Jeter (who else?) for 90 + minutes a week ago. Personally, I would have the New York team checked for substance abuse – um, Red Bull is an “energy” drink, right?
They should also conduct a survey asking if those same – let’s call them paying customers – remember where they were last week.
Lewis (but not Clark) says, “Well, Superman had to deal with kryptonite…”
The New York Yankees can’t solve the LA Angels. I said…but don’t listen to me – behold the stats: Since 2000 the Angels are 38-33 (.536) against the Yankees and since 2005 they hold a 18-11 (.621) edge. Not to mention anything about eliminating the Bronx Bombers in the League Divisional Series three games to one in 2002. Hey, the Angels even won the World Series that year.
The New York Yankees should be renamed the New York Blankees when they take on the Halo’s.
Mr. Peabody’s scientific experience says, “Women curlers are hotter in bed than tennis players…”
Gotta thank Glosslip on this one. The sultry celebrity seamstress recently posted a piece where some rock star from some rock band – Five Maroon’s or something – disclosed that he felt he was misled into believing model-who-moonlights-as-a-tennis-player (don’t all Russian tennis players start off as models?) Maria Sharapova was a screamer in bed.
How do you figure a conversation goes after a public comment like that?
Sharapova: “So, how was band practice?”
The other guy scratching his head, “Good. We suck.”
Sharapova: “Yeah, I know.”
TOG: “Look, I didn’t mean…”
Sharapova: “Shh. I know. I’m cutting an onion.”
TOG (quietly gulps):“B-but, that’s a green banana…”
Sharapova (shifty eyes): “I’m practicing.”
Pan to bloody, dry penis by copy of Blogcritics Magazine on lawn.
Anyway, everyone knows that curlers are sluts in bed.
Hurry? Harder? I mean, come on. Who you kidding?
- ‘Kay. You know what breaking the all-time CFL record for TD receptions gets you in Canada? No, not a canoe – idiots. It gets you inducted into the Order of the Buffalo Hunt. Congratulations to Winnipeg Blue Bombers wide receiver Milt Stegall. I guess.
I hear he was almost late for the ceremony presented by the Premier of Manitoba Gary Doer because Stegall was also honored by the Grand Poobah and the Water Buffalos.
Can I continue? Really. Grow up.
While you laugh, best to remember that your former President Jimmy Carter is a member of the Order.
What’s more prestigious? The Order of the Buffalo Hunt or the Loyal Order of Moose?
- Toronto Maple Leafs (and former San Jose Shark and Chicago Black Hawk) Mark Bell didn’t hang any dogs but he will serve some time (six months to be served in the off season) in Santa Clara County as a result of drunk driving and a hit and run. Bell drove his sedan into the rear end of a pickup. The driver of the truck suffered head injuries and cuts. I’m sure Bell was out celebrating his 21 point season in 71 games with the San Jose Sharks last season.
- Here’s a stat for you: according to an ESPN (who are these guys and why do they keep showing up at the top of the Google rankings?) survey, 74.4% of sports fans think a professional sports match in the 3 ½ major sports (the NHL counts for ½) had been fixed in the last 20 years. Let’s ask Tim Donaghy, Pete Rose, Charles Barkley, Michael Jordan, Rick Tocchet and Janet Gretzky what they know about this.
- Reggie, we hardly knew ye. “That’s it,” Reggie Miller recently said. “Physically, I know I could have done it. But (my ears flap too much) mentally, when you do something like this, you’ve either got to be all in or all out. And I’ve decided (my ears flap to much) I’m all out.” An anonymous source said his ears kept getting him into foul trouble.
- What I would tell Jose Offerman if I were his defense attorney? Six words: “Ty Cobb made me do it.”
Oh, wasn’t that utterly hilarious, if not slightly creepy, that Carl “I see things” Everett ran away with Exhibit A in those pictures? Just the guy you want manipulating evidence.
Come to think of it, not one lousy person had a video camera?