These days you can’t go anywhere without someone or something telling you what you should or shouldn’t eat, or how much or when you should eat, or how your food should be prepared. I’m really sick of it all.
Menus everywhere — from fast food restaurants to upscale joints — are lousy with healthy choice options. We’re told that our foods are cooked with canola oil, that we can substitute Egg Beaters for the real thing and that we can order brown rice instead of white.
Don’t worry about some nefarious governmental agency butting into our lives; be perturbed by “The Food Police.” They are everywhere. The Food Police are a loosely knit group of know-it-alls who have been brought tighter together by some activist groups and their lawyers, and a handful of governmental no-goodniks.
They’ve been working behind the scenes to ramp up the concern over obesity. We’ve been told that obesity is the number one cause of preventable death, and is more dangerous than tobacco. In 2001, then-U.S. Surgeon General David Satcher said that obesity would cause as many preventable deaths as cigarettes and we started hearing that 300,000 people per year die from fat-related causes. There’s never really any indication of how the “experts” arrived at this number.
In March of this year U.S. Surgeon General Richard Carmona said obesity is “the terror within,” is as much of a threat as “weapons of mass destruction,” and that obesity would “dwarf 9/11.”
Mr. Surgeon General sir, A) take off that ridiculous uniform and, B) shut it.
Here’s a quick aside. It’s been bad enough over the past few years to have people invoke the image of Hitler and the Nazis every time someone wants to demonize a person or a group, thereby cheapening the struggle of those who fought the Nazis while minimizing the horrors that they perpetrated. And while we’re on the subject, why don’t these people raise the specter of Mussolini when demonizing their targets? Hitler modeled much of his plan on what Il Duce did in Italy. Benito deserves to get some play in this area.
Now I guess 9/11 will be cheapened in this same way thanks to those who have some kind of fear-based agenda. It’s disgusting that the U.S. Surgeon General – who wears Merrill Stubing’s old uniform and who is as relevant as the human appendix – would compare terrorist attacks and an act of war against innocent civilians to the fact that we have a bunch of lazy and overweight people in this country.
FOODS ARE BAD, BAD, BAD!
For the past several years, diet nuts have demonized foods and told us that their way was best – all-carbs, low-carbs, no-carbs, no-fat and low-fat, good fat and bad fat, all protein and no protein. It’s no wonder that people have forgotten how to eat properly.
We’ve been told that food combining is the key to weight loss. Others insist that we need to write about our feelings for food and write about why we eat, and sign a contract with ourselves if we are to lose weight. Hollywood has been the source of all kinds of meshugge gurus, and we’ve heard tales of actors and actresses detoxifying their systems by drinking nothing other than lemon water mixed with cayenne pepper and maple syrup.
Bread is bad, pasta is bad, cereal is bad. Beef is bad, milk is bad, cookies are bad. Don’t eat sweets. Soda is liquid candy. Potatoes are bad – especially fries – pizza is bad. Jelly and Jam have sugar it them, so they are bad.
Beef is like Josef Stalin, for sure, although Stalin killed people quicker. And jelly and jam are like Spiro Agnew.
Peanuts are good, but make sure you only eat all-natural peanut butter or you will die from clogged arteries and from the sugar that the bastards at Jif and Skippy add.
The guys who add sugar to Jif and Skippy are like the Taliban. And of course men are behind all of this, just so you know.
Well, bread can be good only, only, only if it’s whole grain, all-grain and organic. And it has to look, feel and taste like a roofing shingle. Bread is only good for you if it looks and tastes like shit, and if you get no enjoyment from eating it. The same goes for pasta and rice. Whole-wheat only. Brown is good and white is bad. Hmm…
By the way, if the Italians had decided to go the whole-wheat route with pasta way back in the day, the English would be considered to be the culinary betters of the Italians.
And all of those people for whom rice was the only thing that stood between them and death were wrong. White rice will kill you. That’s why the mortality rate was so high in the old days. White rice, white pasta, and white bread. Those things killed people. Forget the “Black Death,” those foods were the real culprit, the “White Death.”
White rice, white pasta and white bread are like Fidel Castro, Jose Carlos Mariategui, and Victor Polay Campos. Bad hombres.
But there’s more. Organic food is superior to the “non-organic” food that has been responsible for the increase in our average life expectancy, and organic stuff will help you live forever, or so the proponents of this kind of food will have you think.
Organic food is like Mother Teresa.
People have listened to all of this mishegas, and have spent money on books and programs and videos and nutritional advice.
And yet people still have gotten fatter. But it doesn’t end here, or there.
We’ve been told that bread and pasta are bad for us, just as bad as sugar. Sugar was the Devil. Sugar still is the Devil.
But fat is really evil incarnate. Fat is the Nazi of the food world. But yet there’s a fat that’s really, really, really much worse than just plain old “fat.” And it’s not saturated fat, but trans fats. If fat is a Nazi, saturated fat is a cross between Idi Amin and Slobodan Milosevic, and trans fat is al Qaida.
Why should white European males and the tragedies that they’ve incurred on the world get all of the attention when it comes to demonizing comparatively trivial social ills? Let’s spread the wealth.
Instead of comparing obesity to 9/11, let’s compare it to the Rwandan genocide. And let’s say that parents who regularly feed their kids fast foods can be compared to the United Nations ignoring what was happening in Rwanda.
A big muckety-muck in the Food Police – the New York City Health Commissioner – has compared trans fats to asbestos. Balderdash. Why pull punches?
Asbestos is so “what was.” My grandfather died from lung cancer in the mid-1960s that probably came from being exposed to asbestos while working in the Brooklyn Navy Yard during WWII. That’s kind of story isn’t going to scare anybody.
Trans fats are like AIDS.
If the foodies really want to call attention to their cause, they need to make a splash. Trans fats will kill you faster than unprotected sex and sharing hypodermic needles. School age kids need to have this message drilled into their heads and be scared to the point of incontinence now so they can avoid the perils posed by processed baked goods. Ritz crackers and Archway oatmeal raisin cookies will kill you, kids.
And forget Joe Camel, the Keebler Elves are no better than the PLO or the Basque Separatists and need to be eliminated ASAFP.
GET KIDS TO EAT BETTER AT ALL COSTS
The Food Police need to make sure that they insult and demean every human struggle – ever – so that our children can eat nothing but healthy foods at home, at school, at the ballgame, and at the amusement park. If the foodies really want to create hysteria, they should come up with posters that feature a close up picture of a person’s face, totally haggard and worn out, sporting hideous skin growths, with the caption, This Is The Real Face Of Doritos or Your Next Cracker Jack Could Be Your Last.
If you think I’m exaggerating, you haven’t been paying too much attention to what’s been going on out there. This movement is well afoot, and the lawyers are lining up to line their pockets with the windfalls that they hope will come from their latest exercise in litigious irresponsibility and governmental meddling.
Here’s a quote from a member of the Food Police: “I like the surgeon general. He’s a great guy,” said Joanne Ikeda, co-director of UC Berkeley’s Center for Weight and Health. “But I’m a little concerned about his emphasis on the individual family making changes without society doing something to help families make these changes.”
What nonsense! Ms. Ikeda here is saying that individual families aren’t capable of making changes without the help of society?!? Who – in this expert’s world-view – is “society?” Educators, the government, lawyers, me? Is Ms. Ikeda going to go door-to-door? “Mrs. Smith, um, you really shouldn’t put that much peanut butter on your son’s whole-grain organic crackers.”
A recent poll that was conducted by the Pew Research Center found that people blame themselves – their own lack of willpower and lack of exercise – for being overweight, not the food companies or their advertisers. Uh oh, there’s some personal responsibility creeping into the American consciousness.
But the Food Police are hard at work convincing people that it’s not their fault that they are fat, further eroding the concept of personal responsibility. That’s exactly the kind of “help” families need to get from society.
The Food Police are disguising their money grab by clothing it in a suit of “let’s do it for the kids,” and they need to be stopped. We don’t need the federal government worrying about obesity. People have gotten fat because they’ve chosen to be fat and the feds have nothing to do with it.
I don’t want the feds in my bedroom — unless they look like the two female FBI agents from the show Without A Trace — and I don’t want them in my kitchen or grocery store either.
You want to tell me advertisers aim to get kids’ attention and that somehow they are to blame for kids eating crap? I ask, “Who runs the house, who buys the groceries, who chooses the restaurants, who teaches the kids what to do?” My six-year-old wants to drive my truck because he saw a cartoon where a little kid drove his dad’s truck. If I let him drive, is it my fault or the fault of the cartoon? Give me a break.
I’m doing my part. I exercise and I eat a balanced diet. I love food and I love to eat and I don’t make apologies for how I eat. In my family we aren’t afraid of food, we embrace it. We’re not fat and we’re not lazy. I don’t live to exercise; I exercise because it’s necessary and it is a little bit fun.
I have no time for people who – because they can’t or couldn’t handle their own problems – like to tell other people how to eat or live because they think they know better. And people who say that they don’t know that fast food is bad, or who say they don’t have to or can’t exercise are lying.
I teach my kids how to eat every day by what I buy and by how I feed them. Do they eat the occasional crap? Of course they do, they’re kids, but the key word is occasional.
The answer to this problem of obesity is to do your job as an adult and take care of yourself, and as a parent to take care of your kids. And it’s just that simple.