Home / The Duke’s Guide To Ireland – Part Two

The Duke’s Guide To Ireland – Part Two

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Following the publication of The Duke’s Guide To Ireland Part One, what dealt with the historicalised history of The Ireland, an email popped in The Duke’s inbox from the esteemed Dr. Terry Hughes, who knows all about The Ireland and the politics, maybe even as much as The Duke, although, granted, that’s a bit far fetched, really.

So what Terry Hughes had to say was this here – “How could you forget about the United Irishmen, Duke? These motherfuckers were the real thang, dogg.” I’m paraphrasing, and it’s unlikely Dr. Hughes would use the term dogg to denote anything but canines. But the point is clear – The Duke left out a damn important part of the old history.

However, there’s a reason for this, and the reason is as follows;

The Duke was keeping those United Irishmen for this second instalment, what deals with the political shenanigans and such.

The Duke’s Guide To Ireland Part Two

The Political Shenanigans And Such

Much is made by reporters in the media and various other clubs about the whole political turmoil what is festering away over here in Northern Ireland. They talk about the folks what blow up the village square, and then the other folks what shoot the first folks on account of they want some vengeance.

These folks take the Charles Bronson route to justice, being the route that requires a big fucking baseball bat and various firearms.

But what’s behind all this bombing and shooting and sundry despicable actions? The answer is that it is the politics what is behind it all.

Politics, as defined by the Decree Regarding Politicalised Politics Of 1879, deals with that which some folks think we should all be thinking. Some of these lot, with regards the Ireland, think that Northern Ireland and Southern Ireland should get down together and get on with the sexing and so on, and have nothing to do with those British lot.

For a thorough examination of those British lot, see Part One.

Then there’s others, sometimes not so far away from the first bunch, maybe just across the table, and they think that the North should having nothing to do with the South, like Patrick Swayze thought back in the day on the television. They say The North is British, and should remain so, and should have nothing to do with the papacy or the Irish government.

Nobody, incidentally, seems to give a flying fuck about the East or West.

The ones that want Northern Ireland to remain independent and of British stock, are known as The Loyalists. These folks like nothing better than to march about in the streets playing on the drums. Some of them do a nice “Hey Jude”. Sometimes they do this every day for two months, a time which is known as “The Marching Season”, and has all but knocked Summer off it’s pedestal as Best Season Between Spring And Autumn. These Loyalist types are very fond of a man by the name of Dr Ian Paisley, who is a Reverend in his spare time, when he can fit a sermon in between mouthing off about The Pope Is Satan and so on.

Anyone who has seen The Pope, however, will know that he looks nothing like Al Pacino.

The other crowd are known as The Republicans. These folks tend not to march on the street very much, but they do have a virtual monopoly on Pub Karaoke in the country. They are very fond of a man by the name of Gerry Adams, who, whilst not a Reverend, has at least got a fair selection of weaponry. Also, he has a beard, a fact which has shamed The Loyalists to submission on many occasions.

These lot, The Republicans, are in fact very fond of The Pope, and probably don’t think he has anything to do with The Black Arts, like the Hip-Hop or the Breakdancing.

Fuck The Police, Dogg.

What has happened, on account of a thing by the name of The Religion, is that one group tends to stick very close to one branch of Christianity, and the other tends to go for a different one.

Loyalists, for example, seem to be very fond of The Protestant Religion, founded by Martin Luther King in the 1960’s. Ask any Loyalist about their top 5 religions, and chances are Protestantism will be in the top three. By way of contrast, they don’t like The Catholicism one little bit.

The Catholicism, in fact, tends to be the religion of choice for The Republicans. They have sermons very similar to the protestant ones, except sometimes the performer of the ceremony, or “Priest”, will sing a little song or two in Latin. Sometimes it might be a Prince number, sometimes it’s something to do with God. Whatever the ditty performed, it always manages to be highly entertaining.

Thing is, back in the day, the Catholics and The Protestants joined up for a couple of weeks, to form The United Irishmen, a popular beat-combo from Enniskillen.

The United Irishmen took their name from a group of like-minded Catholics and Protestants who decided they wanted to be in charge of their destinies and so on, and so sued God for a time. The case fell to an arse, however, when no jury in the land would convict The Lord On High on account of he would smite them like fuck if they ever dared, so The United Irishmen instead turned their attentions to the government.

What they wanted was Home Rule, and wanted to sever all ties with The British Lot.

Some other folks, however, didn’t like this at all, and they said “Oi!” and also, “Home Rule is Rome Rule”, a reference The Pope, a man whom The Irish were very fond of, as stated above.

The United Irishmen didn’t prove to be very successful, but as a sign of Working Class Solidarity despite religious differences, they at least inspired several articles in The Socialist Worker, something which even Martin Scorsese cannot claim.

And what of those socialists? Where are they amidst it all? They are to be found in barrooms in Belfast, debating The Oil War and so on. One of these groups took the initiative and decided to be a real grown-up political party, known as the SDLP.

The thing about the SDLP was that they claimed to be a socialist party and such, but really tended to just stick very close to whoever was getting the most votes, and then repeat stuff the prominent party had first stated. Sometimes they would add the prefix – “I agree with what my good friend in the DUP / Sinn Fein / UUP said when he said…”

What happens is that voters tend to vote SDLP in second place, after casting their first vote for the party they actually give a shit about. Much like a fan of Nirvana going to see Nearvana or The Kurt Cobain Tribute Experience or such. There’s no brain-work going on, but at least you’re gonna hear stuff you like.

On the opposite side of the whole Political Spectrum from The Socialist Lot are The Nazi Lot. Some times The Nazi Lot try to pretend they’re not Nazi’s, and that they don’t even own any Rammstein albums. A close examination of their policies reveals that they are certainly not Nazis, for whilst they indeed hate blacks / gays / Asians / Catholics / women / humanity, they have no uniform of any kind. Most of them might not even have a moustache.

These Nazi lot, sometimes known as the Far Right, tend to latch on to whatever political debate is currently taking place, and then appropriate the facts to fit their policies. For example, thanks to these people, we can deduce that the problem with the water system is because of the blacks, and the reason the banks shut too early is because of the gays, and also the fact that it’s nigh on impossible to get a normal cup of coffee is down to nothing more than the Jews.

Thanks, Nazis.

You might think these Nazi types would be very fond of The Republicans, what with Eamon De Valera, the man what invented Ireland, being very supportive of the whole fascism affair. You would be wrong though, since these individuals say “Kill the IRA” and “Scum Republican Fuck” and so on.

Once, to test the non-racist policies of a certain Far-Right political party, The Duke called their offices, and enquired as to their motives. The Duke fabricated that he was a black man. Upon hearing this, the nice man replied as follows. – “You’re a black man? You can fuck off then.”

Only a cynic would presume this to be a racist threat. Surely it is the right of all men, be they black or tartan, to fuck off. Why should fucking off be the sole preserve of the Aryan race?

Sometime in the 1990’s, the political parties all listened to Wonderwall and decided they loved each other. They set about producing a referendum which would be known as The Good Friday Agreement, which detailed how the opposing parties would meet up now and again and talk.

This talking seems to be very popular, and generally means that the political types are excused from doing anything.

What this all means is that all you need is love and give peace a chance, I mean come on, you shot John Lennon, let it go, man, stop with the hating. Shit, just get a dove or something. Stop with the hating. Let it go, motherfucker.

Thus concludes today’s lecture.

The Duke resides at Mondo Irlando.

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  • sheri

    OMG that’s funny! :0)

  • Glad you liked it Sherri. Y’see, some folks think the educationalising of the internet is a bad thing, but i’d like to state for the record thats its not a bad thing at all, but a good thing. thanks.

  • Anon

    Excellent! And pretty informative too, for someone who doesn’t know shit about the Troubles, except that the IRA and the British both killed people and it was a bloody mess for a while there. And hilarious too!

    On a serious note though, glad to see that the violence has all but died out, and that (morbid as this may sound) the death tolls never amounted to anything near anything like the Russian:Chechen situation, which this parallels in more ways than one!

    Can we expect more political commentary from you in the future?

  • thank you Anon. glad you found this piece to be as wonderful as i did. As to the posibility of future political yackings, i dunno man. I’m scared that The Duke will get lambasted as a left-wing fuck / right-wing fuck / miscellenous fuck.

    Who knows what lies in store? But thank you for the kind words!