Home / Culture and Society / Spirituality / The Duke Wishes You All A Happy Kirstenmass

The Duke Wishes You All A Happy Kirstenmass

Please Share...Print this pageTweet about this on TwitterShare on Facebook0Share on Google+0Pin on Pinterest0Share on Tumblr0Share on StumbleUpon0Share on Reddit0Email this to someone

Truth be told, I’m beside myself with inner peace right the hell now. Inner peace and also a bizarre sensation somewheres between lust and religious ecstasy. No matter how lovelorn and frustrated and embarrassed a fella might feel (and he feels all three, believe me) on this day, Kirstenmass, said fella is given a chance for to reflect on life, on God, on Kirsten, and to note something along the lines of, whatever shit might be going on, at least Kirsten is smiling someplace.

Horrific as it may seem, some folks use April 30th to do all sorts of stupid shit, like maybe go to work or listen to some song or other about Trent Reznor done smacked himself to the teeth but it’s ok, he’s alright now. Kirstenmass has become just another day. Just another day in any old month.

You sicken me.

On this day 23 years ago the Lord God offered unto his lowly servants a gift so precious that it troubles my soul to contemplate a pre-April 30th 1982 time.

Thankfully I wasn’t born till a week later, so, worked out well. Cheers, The Lord.

Today is Kirstenmass. On this very day, back those 23 years ago, The Lord saw fit to grace humanity with a gift I spend my every waking hour thanking him for, but which I know I will never truly be worthy of. The Lord looked down upon the earth, and shook his head for a fortnight on account of the horrors he was witnessing. A world just about to step into the filthy sludge of yuppie consumerism and boy bands and still troubling itself far too much with regards the Soviets. A world that, pre-Kirsten, had shagged itself into some sort of uninhabitable void, a cranny in the arsehole of the universe that no-one in their right mind would wish to be part of. The Lord saw we had lost direction, and had focused too much on the darkness hiding away in the back of the skull, and so he said something along the lines of, “It’s high time you got some light into your lives, various humans.”

And so there was Kirsten.

How can you think about killing each other or making filth with your wife’s parrots, when look, look at Her dimples and eyes and, oh dear god, look at Her hands. Hands that have been abused no end by wretched motherfuckers high to the teeth on the possibilities of Photoshop, and so replaced Her beautiful fingers with some CGI variant on the cover of Spider-Man 2.

You sons of bitches.

But Kirsten suffers this shame, because Her hands are far too precious for to hold anything so distasteful as a grudge.

She could’ve kicked the arseholes off of those Punk’d motherfuckers, and said “Look here, you had me weeping! Why? Did you Punk Gandhi? And yet here you are, Punkin’ me no end.”

She could’ve, but She didn’t.

She just goes about her business, goes about inspiring a fella’s heart for to choke on its own love-fluid on account of Her dimples and Her eyes and Her hair and Her hands.

So, on this Kirstenmass I will make a note of all who have slighted me, from generic jock types to the very yakuza, and I will burn that piece of paper. Kirsten would have it no other way.

Then, I’ll sit down with Dick and The Crow 3 – Salvation, followed by Bring It On and Mona Lisa Smile, both Spider-Men, and topping it off with some Wimbledon and a cheeky Lovers Prayer.

And I’ll sing the hyms what I etched in my very soul for sweet Kirsten.

And I will thank the lord. Cheers, The Lord.

Sing along, friends. Sing along with Of Kirsten Dunst and The Ballad Of The Kirsten Dunst Tennis Ball, and know that even if She cannot hear you, probably what She’s hearing is still something along the lines of angels spitting with jealousy on account of Her beauty.

Thank you Kirsten. Happy Kirstenmass. I can only wish that whatever might cause your eyes to do that thing when the sun’s shining off them and you kinda squint and then the dimples, I hope that falls into your beautiful lap.

The Duke resides at Mondo Irlando

Grab The Duke’s New Net Record Here On Blogcritics

Powered by

About The Duke

  • Hare Rama, Hare ‘Kristena’, Hare… Hare.
    Maybe we should devote a temple to her. Loved yer post Duke

  • why thank you swingingpuss.

    if only our hands were fit for to build such a thing.

  • A brilliant, touching tribute for a troubled time, Sir Duke. A new holiday is born… or has it been with us all along?

  • thank you eric. It has been with us all along, but as with so many great things (the music of Bright Eyes, the original Ringo’s before they changed the flavour, the gore epics of Peter Jackson) we don’t notice for a time.

    It can only be the best day ever invented.

  • I never realized how many films feature Ms. Dunst. Perhaps my ignorance stems from being among the benighted heathens who, although freely admitting Ms. Dunst is quite attractive and likeable, lack the perceptiveness to fully embrace the Duke’s faith.

    Let us all hold fast to the hope that the Duke will not find our lack of faith too disturbing.

  • HW Saxton

    I honestly do not understand the appeal
    of Ms. Dunst.Not her looks,sex appeal???
    (too apple cheeked and sunshine-y for my
    tastes)or her acting ability. Hmmmmm…

    I realize this is just another of those
    “To Each, His Own” kind of thaangs but I
    just don’t get it.It seems as though the
    Duke is rather smitten though. Thank god
    for anti-stalking laws eh Kirsten?

    Then again, I think Angelina Jolie is as
    hot as 4th of July in Phoenix and not a
    bad actress either, so what do I know?

  • I’m certain the Duke would never stalk Ms. Dunst. Stalkers generally don’t publicly proclaim their adoration in poetically exaggerated, entertaining-to-read terms.

    Stalkers tend to write long, boring, deeply creepy letters to the people they want to stalk. Usually handwritten letters, filling both sides of the page in a tiny scrawl that spills across the margins and barely stays on the paper.

    No, Ms. Dunst has nothing to fear from our comparatively normal Duke.

  • Eric Olsen

    Victor, you forgot “written in blood”

    beauteous Duker, I think her greatest appeal is that she ISN’T the most obvious stunner, looks-wise, and yet she can be radiant perfection in the right light.

    Damn, 23, only two years older than my older daughter – weird world.

  • EO, this is exactly right. Although, whilst i can accept that some folks perhaps miss the radiance etc shimmering from out Her dimples, eyes and so on, it does worry me no end.

    HW, i find this anti-Kirsten propoghanda most distressing. i shall overlook it, however. Kirsten would have it no other way.

    And Victor, there is a multitude of wonderful titles waiting to be discovered. One of the perks of my engagement dissolving was that i no longer had to hide the Kirsten shelf, which now glistens with all manner of Devil’s Arithmatic and Luckytown shaped glory.

  • Bennett Dawson

    Perfect Duke. Her glorious melonious orbages call to me as no other orbages have ever called. She is why I want to breast feed.

  • and why i want to be fed.

    im sorry, that was totally innapropriate.

    Forgive me, Kirsten.

  • Duke – A clip of MTV’s Punk’d was played on The Howard Stern Show this morning. Ashton Kutcher’s target: none other than She.

    Was wondering what The Duke thought about Kirsten getting Punk’d.

  • eric, i relate my disgust at this antic in the body of yonder article. She was weepin, man! almost. close, i’d wager.

    that motherfucker Kutcher ain’t nothin but a low down sonnabitch, i’ve deduced.

  • Ah Duke — I missed that bit. My apologies! How could I think that you wouldn’t be Out There protecting she who must be referred to as She?

  • happy Kirstenmass all! i was forbidden (by the kinda terrors would singe your guts to hear tell of) to do a new screed this year, so i can but comment here along the lines of “God bless you Kirsten. Mine soul is aflutter in your wake.”