We all know how fantastic Freddy Vs Jason was, and we all know how unspeakably cack Aliens Vs Predator was, but let’s be honest here. If it boils down to it, which it inevitably will sooner or later, what we really wanna be seeing is this sorta shit right here;
The Duke Presents;
FACE-OFF’S I WANNA BE SEEING, MOTHERFUCKERS
Old Boy Versus Begbie
Dae-Su Oh has been locked up for fifteen years, with no idea why, or who might even be behind it all. One thing’s for sure, it wasn’t Begbie, since he was all the way over in Scotland kickin fuck outtae schemers and the like.
Still, Begbie’s gonna pretend it was him anyway, since ain’t no way in hell little matters like The Truth or Geography are gonna keep him from getting all Dali with a claw-hammer.
“Right, ye cunt, hear yir lookin fir the cunt locked ye up? Here ah am, then, eh? Fuckin gies us it, then, eh?”
Ichi The Killer Versus Violent Cop
Beat Takeshi’s had a rough day, man, no doubt about it. He’s been round the whole motherfucking block up and down, and slapped a couple teenagers for giving him shit, but he’s no closer to finding out who’s been running around ripping the guts out of Yakuza all the live-long day.
Then, just as he’s about to slap this quivering masturbation-obsessed teenager, the whining little shit jumps the hell into the air and starts kicking the sweet home Alabama’s outta Beat with boots that have blades on the end.
You shouldn’t a touched those Bright Eyes albums, Beat Takeshi. Now what’s gonna happen is Ichi The Killer is gonna kill you upside the teeth, you fucking rogue copper.
Tetsuo Versus Brundlefly
A science demonstration in downtown Tokyo leads to unbridled orgasmic destruction when Jeff Goldblum decides to let the world in on his new invention, a pod thing that makes him go from here to way over there without even walking. And naked, too.
Goldblum couldn’t have known that a fly would get in there, and that he’d be joined at the molecules with the filthy shit-eating insect. Also, he had even less of an idea that sitting at the back of the hall was a young fella out of his face on the amphetamine, racing around the aisles in hyper-motion, poking at rotten boils on his face.
The last thing Goldblum would’ve done, had he known, would be get angry at how he’s gone and turned himself into a fly beast, and then fling the pod across the auditorium, hitting the speed-riddled fella and causing the metal to merge with his demented being.
The crowd gasp as Tetsuo does Brundlefly up the hole with a metal dildo. They cheer as Brundlefly looks like he isn’t gonna be able to finish that Super Sized Meal, and then it’s ok, he just pukes over it and sucks it up through a straw. Morgan Spurlock takes notes.
Kevin Bacon in Sleepers Versus Kevin Bacon In The Woodsman
Following the shameful revelations that Kevin Bacon In Sleepers has been taking advantage of young boys via his guard position at a juvenile offenders institution, he leaves his job and heads off to find work in a proper penitentiary.
By way of fantastic coincidence, Kevin Bacon In The Woodsman has just been arrested for similar antics, and has been sent along to the very prison in which Kevin Bacon In Sleepers has found work.
Before anyone knows what the hell’s going on, Kevin Bacon In The Woodsman has beaten Kevin Bacon In Sleepers unconscious, on account of he sees himself in the foul-mouthed attendant, and doesn’t like it one bit.
Ju-On VS Ringu
Sam Raimi was just an average kid, is all. Sure, he hung out with Kirsten Dunst, he made films about Bruce Campbell’s hand runs around the place, but he was just like you or me, or those folks over there.
When a friend lends him this great Japanese horror flick, he can’t wait to check it out, and runs home that he might put it in the old VCR.
Imagine his shock when he finds out that if he doesn’t remake the flick in seven days, Sadako’s gonna crawl out a well and chase him down on horseback or some shit.
The Creature From The Blue Lagoon
Brooke Shields and Christopher Atkins were the last folks who wanted to end up stranded on an island of some sort, but a quick listen to the soundtrack revealed it to be a love-type affair, so they just got down to being naked.
Little did they know there was nothing less than a motherfucking sea-demon waiting to come up and scare them shitless, chase them around, carve them up like rabid turkeys.
Certainly they didn’t need Anthropophagus The Beast to wander into the scene, and start tearing Brooke Shields’ unborn children out her rubber belly, that he might chew on them for a while.
8 ½ Mile
Jimmy Rabbit is tired, is all. Sure, he’s the most famous rapper in the world, and he’s attending a retrospective of all his great records about “fuck you, bitch”, but he can’t help thinking he should be doing something a bit more artistic.
Rabbit spends the film concocting experimental hip-hop and avoiding “guest rappers” and the like, in a hilarious critique of the music business.
Uncle Chuck And Buck
John Candy has been feeling upset since his best friend moved out East back in the day. Following the death of Macauly Culkin, Candy decides to pack his bags and go reunite with his long-lost acquaintance. Laugh yourself diabetic as John Candy makes his move on his best friend, and tells him all he ever wanted to do was suck him off.
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