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The Duke Presents “Movie Face-Off’s I Wanna See!”

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We all know how fantastic Freddy Vs Jason was, and we all know how unspeakably cack Aliens Vs Predator was, but let’s be honest here. If it boils down to it, which it inevitably will sooner or later, what we really wanna be seeing is this sorta shit right here;

The Duke Presents;

FACE-OFF’S I WANNA BE SEEING, MOTHERFUCKERS

Old Boy Versus Begbie

Dae-Su Oh has been locked up for fifteen years, with no idea why, or who might even be behind it all. One thing’s for sure, it wasn’t Begbie, since he was all the way over in Scotland kickin fuck outtae schemers and the like.

Still, Begbie’s gonna pretend it was him anyway, since ain’t no way in hell little matters like The Truth or Geography are gonna keep him from getting all Dali with a claw-hammer.

“Right, ye cunt, hear yir lookin fir the cunt locked ye up? Here ah am, then, eh? Fuckin gies us it, then, eh?”

Hilarity ensues.

Ichi The Killer Versus Violent Cop

Beat Takeshi’s had a rough day, man, no doubt about it. He’s been round the whole motherfucking block up and down, and slapped a couple teenagers for giving him shit, but he’s no closer to finding out who’s been running around ripping the guts out of Yakuza all the live-long day.

Then, just as he’s about to slap this quivering masturbation-obsessed teenager, the whining little shit jumps the hell into the air and starts kicking the sweet home Alabama’s outta Beat with boots that have blades on the end.

You shouldn’t a touched those Bright Eyes albums, Beat Takeshi. Now what’s gonna happen is Ichi The Killer is gonna kill you upside the teeth, you fucking rogue copper.

Hilarity ensues.

Tetsuo Versus Brundlefly

A science demonstration in downtown Tokyo leads to unbridled orgasmic destruction when Jeff Goldblum decides to let the world in on his new invention, a pod thing that makes him go from here to way over there without even walking. And naked, too.

Goldblum couldn’t have known that a fly would get in there, and that he’d be joined at the molecules with the filthy shit-eating insect. Also, he had even less of an idea that sitting at the back of the hall was a young fella out of his face on the amphetamine, racing around the aisles in hyper-motion, poking at rotten boils on his face.

The last thing Goldblum would’ve done, had he known, would be get angry at how he’s gone and turned himself into a fly beast, and then fling the pod across the auditorium, hitting the speed-riddled fella and causing the metal to merge with his demented being.

The crowd gasp as Tetsuo does Brundlefly up the hole with a metal dildo. They cheer as Brundlefly looks like he isn’t gonna be able to finish that Super Sized Meal, and then it’s ok, he just pukes over it and sucks it up through a straw. Morgan Spurlock takes notes.

Hilarity ensues.

Kevin Bacon in Sleepers Versus Kevin Bacon In The Woodsman

Following the shameful revelations that Kevin Bacon In Sleepers has been taking advantage of young boys via his guard position at a juvenile offenders institution, he leaves his job and heads off to find work in a proper penitentiary.

By way of fantastic coincidence, Kevin Bacon In The Woodsman has just been arrested for similar antics, and has been sent along to the very prison in which Kevin Bacon In Sleepers has found work.

Before anyone knows what the hell’s going on, Kevin Bacon In The Woodsman has beaten Kevin Bacon In Sleepers unconscious, on account of he sees himself in the foul-mouthed attendant, and doesn’t like it one bit.

Hilarity ensues.

Ju-On VS Ringu

Sam Raimi was just an average kid, is all. Sure, he hung out with Kirsten Dunst, he made films about Bruce Campbell’s hand runs around the place, but he was just like you or me, or those folks over there.

When a friend lends him this great Japanese horror flick, he can’t wait to check it out, and runs home that he might put it in the old VCR.

Imagine his shock when he finds out that if he doesn’t remake the flick in seven days, Sadako’s gonna crawl out a well and chase him down on horseback or some shit.

Hilarity ensues.

The Creature From The Blue Lagoon

Brooke Shields and Christopher Atkins were the last folks who wanted to end up stranded on an island of some sort, but a quick listen to the soundtrack revealed it to be a love-type affair, so they just got down to being naked.

Little did they know there was nothing less than a motherfucking sea-demon waiting to come up and scare them shitless, chase them around, carve them up like rabid turkeys.

Certainly they didn’t need Anthropophagus The Beast to wander into the scene, and start tearing Brooke Shields’ unborn children out her rubber belly, that he might chew on them for a while.

Hilarity ensues.

8 ½ Mile

Jimmy Rabbit is tired, is all. Sure, he’s the most famous rapper in the world, and he’s attending a retrospective of all his great records about “fuck you, bitch”, but he can’t help thinking he should be doing something a bit more artistic.

Rabbit spends the film concocting experimental hip-hop and avoiding “guest rappers” and the like, in a hilarious critique of the music business.

Hilarity ensues.

Uncle Chuck And Buck

John Candy has been feeling upset since his best friend moved out East back in the day. Following the death of Macauly Culkin, Candy decides to pack his bags and go reunite with his long-lost acquaintance. Laugh yourself diabetic as John Candy makes his move on his best friend, and tells him all he ever wanted to do was suck him off.

Hilarity ensues.

Thanks folks.

The Duke resides at Mondo Irlando

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  • http://selfaudit.blogspot.com Aaman

    Brilliant stuff, Duke – I especially like Ju-On VS Ringu

  • http://www.resonation.ca Jim Carruthers

    Oh, you filthy little bastard! You made me shoot painful carbonated bevvies out my nose with “The Creature from the Blue Lagoon”.

  • http://www.markiscranky.org Mark Saleski

    what’s weird is that up until this morning (when i finally listened to the duke’s phone call thingy) my mind heard the duke’s voice as a southern (united states, that is) kinda thing.

    now it’s all changed.

    and even funnier.

    the duke needs a radio show.

  • http://selfaudit.blogspot.com Aaman

    The BC Podcast cries out to be commenced:)

  • http://www.resonation.ca Jim Carruthers

    Sid and Nancy and Jay and Silent Bob’s Empire Strikes Back
    Well, at least the merchandising is taken care of.
    Hilarity ensues

    Breakfast Fight Club
    John Hughes regrets producing a movie directed by David Fincher from a screen-play by Abel Ferrera. Starring Harvey Keitel, Lili Taylor, Christopher Walken and Ally Sheedy .
    Hilarity ensues.

  • http://selfaudit.blogspot.com Aaman

    More! More!

  • http://www.resonation.ca Jim Carruthers

    David Cronenburg’s “Teletubbies vs. Andrea True: The Movie

    The critics rave: “More! More!” – Aaman
    Hilarity ensues.

  • http://www.mondoirlando.com Aaron, Duke De Mondo

    hey guys. Mark, you don’t wanna go making silly sugestions like that, i’d wager. it’s all fun and games till the duke starts thinking “hmmm, maybe what i’ll do is some more of those things”…

    jim – The Breakfast Fight Club!!!! BRILLIANT!! Im gutted i didn’t think of that!!! Although, i did start working on a sequel to this post as soon as i put it up, so many great ideas are there.

    personally, i was proudest of 8 1/2 mile.

    and mark, again, seriously, i have been toying a lot with the notion of a radio thingy every fortnight or so, say twenty minutes of music and swearing. who knows…

    The Breakfast Fight Club. hahahah

    One i had intended for the follow-up

    La Bambi
    A young deer is so upset by the death of his mother he heads off to the city for to make it big in the latin pop scene.

    Hilarity ensues.

  • http://www.resonation.ca Jim Carruthers

    “From Dusk to Dawn to Sunset Boulevard”

    Juliette Lewis tries to use her contacts with George Clooney and Quentin Tarantino to maintain her career, and assassinates any motherfucker who gets in her way, Honey Bunny.
    Hilarity ensues.

  • http://www.mondoirlando.com Aaron, Duke De Mondo

    “before sunset boulevard”

    Ethan Hawke is making his way across hollywood by train when he bumps into a silent movie star who’s been on the skids since things went all “talkie”. They chat about god and Griffith.

    Hilarity ensues.

  • http://www.mondoirlando.com Aaron, Duke De Mondo

    “The Hills Have Eyes Without A Face”

    A french doctor attempts to reconstruct the face of his disfigured daughter using the flesh of murderous hillbillies.

    Hilarity ensues.

  • http://www.mondoirlando.com Aaron, Duke De Mondo

    “Public Enemy Of The State”

    Will Smith tells Jazzy Jeff to go fuck himself and hooks up with Chuck D for to make a hip-hop concept record about Fuck Tha Man.

    Hilarity Ensues.

  • http://www.mondoirlando.com Aaron, Duke De Mondo

    “The Paris, Texas Chain Saw Massacre”

    Harry Dean Stanton tries to recover his memory, discovering that he once killed a buncha teenagers in his folks house.

    Hilarity ensues.

  • http://www.mondoirlando.com Aaron, Duke De Mondo

    “Night Of The Living Dead Man”

    A buncha folks are trapped in a farmhouse by reams of cowboy poets wanting to yack about love. In black and white.

    Hilarity ensues.

  • http://www.mondoirlando.com Aaron, Duke De Mondo

    “Suicide Circle Of Friends”

    Minnie Driver and friends decide to throw themselves off of buildings in downtown tokyo.

    Hilarity ensues.

  • http://www.resonation.ca Jim Carruthers

    “Apocalyse Now That’s What I Call Entertainment!”

    Dead celebrities tour Vietnam, all singing, all dancing, they just hope they don’t bomb. With your hosts, Bob Hope and Robert MacNamara.

  • http://www.mondoirlando.com Aaron, Duke De Mondo

    hahahahahhah

  • http://www.mondoirlando.com Aaron, Duke De Mondo

    that was fucking inspired, man.

  • http://www.mondoirlando.com Aaron, Duke De Mondo

    “Vanilla Ice Sky”

    Vanilla Ice stars as a hip-hop type who is brutally disfigured after being flung out a window by Suge Knight, allegedly.

    Hilarity ensues

  • http://www.mondoirlando.com Aaron, Duke De Mondo

    “Some Kind Of Little Monsters”

    Fred Savage discovers a buncha rock stars living under his bed.

    Hilarity Ensues

  • http://www.resonation.ca Jim Carruthers

    “Life Is Sweet Charity”

    Mike Leigh’s musical about the working class and prostitution, with every tune beginning on the downbeat.

    And the misery is really miserable. However …

    Hilarity Ensues!!!

  • http://www.mondoirlando.com Aaron, Duke De Mondo

    “Taxi Driving Mrs Daisy”

    Robert De Niro tries to save Jessica Tandy from her pimp.

    Hilarity Ensues.

  • http://www.mondoirlando.com Aaron, Duke De Mondo

    “American Pi”

    Jason Biggs tries to uncover the mathematical secret behind the stock exchange in between fucking pastry.

    Hilarity ensues.

  • http://www.mondoirlando.com Aaron, Duke De Mondo

    “A Town Called Dirty Ol’ Bastard”

    A buncha Wu Tang Clan members wander into town and lay down the lay, in the wild wild westside.

    Hilarity Ensues.

  • http://www.mondoirlando.com Aaron, Duke De Mondo

    “My Bez Friend’s Wedding”

    Julia Roberts attends Shaun Ryders wedding, getting cracked to the teeth with bez.

    hilarity ensues.

  • http://www.resonation.ca Jim Carruthers

    “Last Tango and Cash”

    A mis-matched pair of detectives go undercover, and discover that butter isn’t just spread on toast. And those aren’t pillows!

    Hilarity ensues.

  • http://www.mondoirlando.com Aaron, Duke De Mondo

    last tango and cash!!!! hahahaha!!!!

    “True Secrets And Lies”

    Mike Leigh directs Arnold Schwarzenegger in this harrowing film about Jamie Lee Curtis dances in her knickers.

    Hilarity ensues.

  • http://www.mondoirlando.com Aaron, Duke De Mondo

    “Help! I’m A Fish Called Wanda!”

    Animated comedy about John Cleese is turned into a cartoon.

    hilarity ensues

  • http://www.mondoirlando.com Aaron, Duke De Mondo

    “The Hills Have Bright Eyes”

    A murderous hillbilly writes songs about his life is a pitiful charade.

    Hilarity Ensues.

  • http://www.resonation.ca Jim Carruthers

    “Cannon-ball Run D.M.C.”

    From the East Coast to the West Coast, as fast as possible, peace, out.

    Hilarity ensues.

  • http://selfaudit.blogspot.com Aaman

    “Big Fish in Open Water finds Nemo”

    Bruce, from Jaws, tells the story of his father and some researchers, finds it’s all untrue and eats Nemo

  • http://www.mondoirlando.com Aaron, Duke De Mondo

    ha, Aaman, excellent!!

    “The Magnificent Se7en”

    A gang of fearless serial killers attempt to keep a village safe from bandits.

    Based on “Se7en Samurai”

  • http://www.resonation.ca Jim Carruthers

    “Independence Day of the Dead”

    A joke about how ‘murricans don’t appreciate jokes at their own expense, which are meta about ‘murricans joking about them, so why fucking bother?

    Hilarity ensues.

  • http://selfaudit.blogspot.com Aaman

    “The Stepford Wives Bend It Like Beckham”

    Joanna suspects there’s something fundamentally wrong with all her soccer mom neighbors. She decides to go for it and have a traditional Indian wedding with the coach.

    Hilarity ensues

  • http://www.resonation.ca Jim Carruthers

    “I Piss On Your Grave, Lucy van Pelt”

    Charlie Brown, generally recognized as a good man, explains how he built a life-long hatred of that vicious bitch. But then, her ex starts playing piano, and you guessed it …

    Hilarity ensues.

  • Eric Olsen

    Kramer vs Kramer vs Kramer vs Kramer

    Meryl Streep and Dustin Hoffman kick Seinfeld’s neighbor’s ass, turn their wrath on MC5 guitarist

  • http://www.resonation.ca Jim Carruthers

    “Maria, Garden State of Grace”

    Novice director Zach Braff does a documentary for his indie debut feature about how he financed the picture with the profits from drug mules.

    While it seemed sad at the time, you know that guy, and …

    Hilarity ensued.

  • http://www.resonation.ca Jim Carruthers

    “Maude and Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle”

    A bunch of young guys and old ladies go for fast food. The rest, you really don’t want to know about, honest. We couldn’t even get a rating under NC-17 if we even hinted.

    But, yeah, hilarity ensues, and ensues, and so on ….

  • Eric Olsen

    Butch Cassidy and the Karate Kid

  • HW Saxton

    “Plan 9 From Outer Space Is The Place”
    The long lost 1959 Ed Wood Jr directed
    documentary about Sun Ra & The Arkestra.
    What makes this so damn amazing is that
    Sun Ra & Co. wouldn’t record the title
    song for another 8 years or so.
    What a visionary that Ed Wood Jr was eh?

  • http://www.resonation.ca Jim Carruthers

    “Going Down the Road Warrior”

    Gordie thought the leather pants and fast cars were just the way they did things in Toronto and on Yonge Street, but he didn’t know that he’d wind up fighting against equalization payments in natural gas and oil in the Maritimes from Bay Street using constitutional law and stuff.

    But, thankfully,

    hilarity ensued.

  • Eric Olsen

    The Maltese Falcon and the Snowman
    Bogey, Timothy Hutton and Sean Penn steal defense secrets and sell them to Yukon Cornelius

  • http://www.resonation.ca Jim Carruthers

    Eric, obviously you’ve confused this movie with “Car Wash II: The Reckoning” — Wax on, Wax Off, There Can Only Be One!

    Eric said: Butch Cassidy and the Karate Kid

  • Eric Olsen

    a vastly larger dollop of hilarity than the norm has ensued on this thread

  • http://www.resonation.ca Jim Carruthers

    “I Got You Babe”

    Hamlet, directed by Max von Sydow, starring Dave Thomas and Rick Moranis, a couple of pig farmers learn they have been swindled out of the family farm.

    In the long winter nights of despair, they turn to drink, and one, cold night in the barn with the shotgun and two shells to …

    alas no hilarity.

  • http://www.temptationwaits.com visualsimplicity

    Monty Python’s Lord of the Rings

    John Cleese and co. are pursued by dark riders with coconuts clapping together for horses as they attempt to bring a ring to Mt. Doom.

    Hilarity ensues

  • http://www.mondoirlando.com Aaron, Duke De Mondo

    ALTERNATIVELY – Lord Of The Ring

    Frodo has Seven Days to fire a video tape into a volcano, lest he die to fucking death.

    hilarity ensues

    man, this is a hella thread, is what.

    Eric, that Butch Cassidy And The Karate Kid made me laugh like only the demented truly know.

  • http://www.resonation.ca Jim Carruthers

    “The Natural Born Killer”

    Robert Redford stars as a maniac who bludgeons his way clear cross the country.

    Of course hilarity ensues, everybody in the States loves baseball.

  • http://www.resonation.ca Jim Carruthers

    “Midnight Cowboy Express”

    Look, I already told you I’m walkin’ here! You don’t need to change how I’m walkin’ here! Owwwwww.

    hilarity ensued, though I guess you had to be there.

  • HW Saxton

    “There Is Something About Mary,Queen Of
    Scots”.The Queen’s party on down college
    years are chronicled here.She was a bit
    of a ho,it seems. Paris Hilton stars.

    “Animal House Of Wax” Due to some sort
    of a lightning strike on a nuclear power
    plant, a mysterious cloud has been seen
    emanating from it,causing the residents
    of a wax museum to come back to life for
    a hell of a great,centuries spanning,all
    night party. But since Jack The Ripper
    is amongst the wax folks brought to life
    here,Bluto & the guys are dispatched to
    stop him. Armed with only a keg of beer,
    Pinto’s brothers car and a bunch of old
    scratchy R&B 45’s,watch as the hilarity
    ensues.

    “Last Tango In Paris,Texas”
    Is it butter or Par-Kay ?

    “Hang ‘Em High School” – Lee Van Cleef
    and Clint Eastwood way back in the early
    days,learning the 3 R’s: Riding,Robbing
    & Revenge.

    “War Of The World’s Greatest Sinner”-
    One of Timothy Carey’s most obscure flix
    and rightfully so.

    OK, that’s enough for now.Or more than
    enough huh?

  • http://www.resonation.ca Jim Carruthers

    Oh, well, at least there is the hope there will be at least one “muhuhuhuhwauh” in the sequel of “Animal House of Wax II: Revenge of Taxidermy” with an animatronic Vincent Price and maybe a run in 3-D at selected theaters.

    I’m sure hilarity would ensue.

  • Eric Olsen

    brilliant original concept, vast quantities of guffaws throughout – eat shit, Onion!

  • http://www.mondoirlando.com Aaron, Duke De Mondo

    hang em high school!!!! brilliant!

  • Eric Olsen

    The Crying Gameboy
    same story, just virtual

  • http://www.resonation.ca Jim Carruthers

    John Carpenter’s “The Do The Right Thing”

    A ‘hood in Brooklyn is taken over by a multi-national conglomerate, a single store front at a time. The Mayor turns up dead. MacReady discovers his neighbourhood bar has been turned into a franchise Irish pub, “Fakey O’Shitebag’s” which only serves Coors Lite and doesn’t allow smoking, while Mookie has lost his job with the pizza parlour turned into a Taco Bell franchise.

    Meanwhile, Radio Raheem was bought by Clearchannel, and once they learned he wasn’t a radio station, had him killed.

    MacReady and Mookie burn the entire block down, and wait for the terminator to come out of the ashes as night falls.

    Hilarity ensues.

  • http://www.resonation.ca Jim Carruthers

    “The Sixth Scent of a Woman”

    He thought he knew everything about his girlfriend, but then she asked him to pull her finger, and he went blind, in a surprise twist.

  • http://www.resonation.ca Jim Carruthers

    The Crying Gameboy
    same story, just virtual

    What you thought you were doing, it turns out you just were playing in your lap.

    oh, yeah, hilarity ensues.

  • http://www.mondoirlando.com Aaron, Duke De Mondo

    the do the right thing would be the greatest picture of our times, i would imagine.

    “Shindler’s Pissed”

    Ken Loach directs the tale of Marvin Schindler, ex-bricklayer who turns to drink for to wipe out the memories of his affair with Liam Neeson.

    Hilarity Ensues

  • Eric Olsen

    The Bridge Over the River Runs Through It
    the yellow peril imprisons gentlemen fishemen in Montana

  • http://www.resonation.ca Jim Carruthers

    I Know What You Did Last, Summer”

    A pretty, spunky cheerleader in Idaho is a victim of amnesia after a dodge-ball accident. Napoleon Dynamite rebuilds her missing time.

    Yuh-right hilarity ensues, what, are you stunned or something?

  • http://selfaudit.blogspot.com Aaman

    Freddy, Jason Vs Alien, Predator

    The shit hits the fan when Freddy and Jason team up against the galactic menaces of Alien and Predator. The violence ends when Alien sprouts from Freddy’s stomach, knocking Jason’s mask off. The four then sit down for a game of bridge.

    Hilarity ensues.

  • Wendy

    Hi Good morning,
    I’m looking for a movie called HIGHWAY TO HELL (1937). I really don’t know what its about, my boyfriend seen a clip from this in a movie called AMERICAN PIMP. We’ve been looking for this movie for about five months. Do you by chance have this movie, or have any ideas to where I may find this movie?
    Please email me at MsSuccess79@gmail.com if you have any suggestions.
    Thank you so much
    Wendy

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