If a fella were to throw the subject of American soap-opera into a conversation, perhaps somewhere between a discussion about Pygmalion and some musings on stem cell research, that self same fella would probably note that a lot of folks immediately start yacking about Dynasty, or Dallas.
These right here, these fondly remembered nuggets of glossy, nonsensical toss, these are the touchstones for an outsiders concept of American Soap-Opera.
A recent televisual program, however, has caused The Duke to ponder, sometimes stroking my chin and squinting slightly;
How much better would those shows have been if, say, Jerry Ewing took a second for to cut his foreskin off with a pair of scissors? What if we had a lengthy sequence wherein J.R sucks the gunk out of a ladies guts for to make her thinner?
Thank fuck and all what that entails, then, since a show has gone ahead and done just this, except with new characters, one of whom looks a lot like Jack, the gay fella from The Dawson Creek or whatever, and another who looks kinda like the dad from Happiness what turned out to be a damn kiddie-fiddler. As the twist or whatever, the former fella don’t wax philosophical and then everyone complains cause fuck, man, teenagers don’t talk like that. I heard those Kris Kross fellas, and I gotta be honest, I doubt they know a damn thing about Felini.
Just my motherfucking opinion, is all.
The show in question might like to entertain notions of being some kind of challenging adult drama, but truth be told, it ain’t nothing but a melodramatic, glossy, and, it must be noted, exceptionally brilliant soap opera.
Nip / Tuck has been entertaining folks for a couple years now, but on account of The Duke don’t own no Sky television, I had to wait for Channel 4 in the United UK to pick it up, that I might sample its wares.
I watched the first episode a couple nights back, and then something happened and I got to see the following two instalments.
In case you were thinking that The Duke might have downloaded episodes 2 and 3 from off of some satanic web-net site hidden from google and from right-thinking society in general, then you’d be wrong, since it was in fact something involving Aliens and so on.
Anal probes, I feel I should also note, are surprisingly enjoyable affairs, and certainly not the ferocious onslaughts that those folks who crop up in the woods in Alabama now and again might like to tell you.
Put your damn pants on and stop your filthy fucking lying, is what The Duke would command for you to do.
Nip / Tuck is a series as potentially addictive as the practices what it depicts; ie, the plastic surgery. Just as these folks return again and again and for to get just a little bit extra lopped off the old buttocks, necks, cheeks and so on, so The Duke finds that he needs just that one more fix, man. Just gotta find out what happens next, is all. Just wanna see if his willy was repairable. Just wanna know if he sleeps with that woman or if, no, he’s gonna have a crisis of conscience all of a damn sudden, and anyway, he can’t get an erection for love nor money.
It’s kinda like a less morbid Six Feet Under, with the corpse-painting being replaced with the tummy-tucking.
All sorts of kooky nonsense goes on, like a fella what might be a gangster wants his appearance completely altered, or two twins want to look different, or one of the doctor’s sons wants a circumcision.
There’s also loads of the family trauma, and the arguments and all kinds of domestic hoopla, and some of these squabblings are almost as difficult to watch as the much-touted surgery sequences. It’s as uncomfortable to see two folks trying in vain to communicate for ten minutes, as it is seeing a fella get his arse cut open and then a tube shoved up it and so on.
Again, if only Bobby Ewing had took a second for to get his arse cut open and then a tube shoved up it. That right there would have been the perfect way to bring him back into the series, too. They could have said all about he didn’t die, he faked his death and then changed his identity with the help of some arse implants. But no, we’ll just have him step out of a shower like not a damn thing happened.
This, as far as The Duke is concerned, is about to become the latest addition to a shelf already bulging with American TV box-sets. Right next to Buffy and The Tony Soprano Family and Six Feet Under, there’s gonna have to be room made for this here, is the crux of my decision.
Nip / Tuck is also bulging with contradictions. One minute it delights in how shallow it can be, and then two minutes later it wants to make some kind of statement or other about “the humanity”.
Shallow? The hell you talkin’ bout, The Duke, that was a suicide just there. Shallow? This is the motherfucking Marianas Trench, is what, you son of a bitch.
So yeah, this Nip / Tuck is something of a treasure, and further proof that American television, so far as the drama and whatnot is concerned, is the best in the world right now. We British folks can still kick the shit out of the comedy imports, but there ain’t a damn thing on Eastenders to match the sight of a bloke pissing blood post-circumcision.
And I still ain’t seen a damn episode of A Day In The Life Of Detective Keifer Sutherland, neither. Also, I hear there’s a show about The Shield or something, about a police who’s crooked as a motherfucker selling pirate copies of Van Helsing for to pay for the smack, and this show is apparently very good. I think he beats folks to death with a giant shield, like He-Man with more paperwork.
Good work, Americans.
The Duke resides at Mondo Irlando