The Drugs on War

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The Taliban finds a new weapon in the war against the war on terror: Marijuana plants. Ten foot marijuana plants to be exact, and it has thus far been a very effective defense against the Canadian troops fighting them.

According to the chief of the Canadian defense staff, General Rick Hillier, the Taliban are currently using a gigantic forest of massive pot plants for cover. It seems the dense foliage makes it very hard to see where they are hiding and marijuana apparently also absorbs energy and heat. This makes the thermal sensors pretty much useless as well.

The Taliban are even using the plants as camouflage for their armored cars. Someone should alert High Times to this new use for pot. They could include it in their “This Plant Can Save the World” issue.

Now, when faced with a large field of cannabis what would your first thought be? Mine would be to look for the first person with a flame thrower and surround the field with various chocolates and other munchies and just smoke them out. If I got a buzz going as well — bonus! I think it would be a day of massive surrender and not a single casualty. I even think both sides would sit down and watch some Ren and Stimpy together laughing about the situation they find themselves in.

It seems the Canadian military had a similar idea although without the fun included. They decided to try to burn this obstacle down. They tried using white phosphorous to burn down the forest to no effect. They tried using diesel and fire to no effect. The forest was saturated with water and resisted the flames. I do so hate wet pot.

Some troops were able to find some brown plants around the edges of the forest and did set them ablaze. Of course, they also happened to be standing downwind of the burning bushes and “had some ill effects” so they decided it was not actually a great idea. I am sure the soldiers felt it was brilliant.

We missed a rare opportunity there. I really think my plan would have worked. Imagine the Taliban and the Army sitting and sharing a bowl together in peace and harmony. As long as the Twinkies didn’t run out there would be no fighting. They could have a massive PS2 Tekken fight to decide the winner. Or maybe Halo 2 would be more apropos to the situation. Either way I think there is something here we should explore more.

When I lived in Boulder, Colorado I went to hear Ken Kesey read from one of his books. It was one of those magic moments that I will never forget. The place was so crowded I was forced to watch him on a monitor outside, but there was still a vibe there and it was special. I mean he is a legend.

Anyway, after he finished reading he took questions from those lucky enough to have gotten inside. Most were typical fan questions or questions about people he met during his amazing life. He answered them all politely, but none of those questions stood out to me until…

“What would your solution to the Bosnian problem be Mr. Kesey?”

“Well,” he said, “I would get two B-1 Stealth Bombers and fly them over there. I would load each of them up with 500 gallon drums filled with liquid LSD and spray the entire country. I would spray every town, village, field, and city and just let them work it out. You cannot fire a gun on that much acid. You can barely talk, so the war would be over within 45 minutes. Just let them work it out.”

The crowd laughed and applauded. It made perfect sense to me. The story of the Canadians taking the war on drugs today a little too literally made me think of Ken Kesey and that answer today.

Wouldn’t it be great if this happened at 4:20 local time?

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About Brad Schader