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The Constant Weather Man

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Everybody’s got a theory about why people aren’t going to the movies as much anymore. Well, not to toot my own horn, but all of them are dead wrong. I, dear reader, shall enlighten you as to why people are staying at home and avoiding the movie theater like the plague. Nope, it ain’t the freaky sheepboys, the excruciating Jamster, the tired product, the ridiculous prices, or even the children.

Who’s to blame, then?

The Weather Man.

Every time I have gone to the movie theater for over a year I have seen the trailer to this godforsaken Nic Cage movie. And I go to the movies a lot. Through no desire of my own I can now recite the entire trailer from memory now; a lovely trick that has gotten me banned from the break room, public transportation, and even my own synagogue no longer welcomes me with open arms because I have a Rain Man-like tendency to spout things like “Why would people throw things at you? You just read the weather.”

The last time I went to the movies, by the time this l’homme du weather got winged with the chicken nuggets I went into convulsions and had to be dragged from the theater while loudly pleading with Nic Cage not to forget the tartar sauce this time around. He still forgot.

That’s why I don’t go to the movies anymore. It’s why you go to the movies less, even if you didn’t know that was the reason. Sure, you think it’s because you can’t find a babysitter, or because having to choose between Just Like Heaven and The Skeleton Key ain’t no choice at all. But it’s The Weather Man trailer. Deep down in your brain, you know that Michael Caine is just waiting for you at the cineplex, dying to wax philosophically that doing the hardest thing and doing the right thing is often the same thing.

Drew originally posted this babble at Drew’s Blog-O-Rama, where he can be usually be found kvetching about movies and pop culture. He’s also spent almost ten years (!) providing free movie and television scripts online at Drew’s Script-O-Rama. Because really, what the world was lacking was another whiny bastard who fancies himself a witster, and how could society truly function without free access to scripts like Superman Lives or Mean Girls transcripts?

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