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The Childfree Holiday Letter

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Dear Family and Friends,

2010 has been a whirlwind year in the Rossum-Kleinfeld household. This summer, for the first time ever, Gary was the starting catcher for the Johnston-Gretch softball team, and they went 6-2, their best season ever! Most amazingly, he is continuing to expand with every passing year; don’t boys just grow up so fast? Gary’s waist size is now 42. (44 after Thanksgiving!)

Meanwhile, Evelyn was no couch potato—working out several times a week, buying a new yoga DVD in September, and weighing two pounds less than she did last Christmas. Nevertheless, she’s keeping up with hubby in her own cute way—things are sagging a bit more every year! (Although she looks forward to at least a decade more of those grouchy “time-of-the-months”—and so does Gary!)

Another highlight of the summer was when Gary’s niece visited and we took her to see Wicked on Broadway. She’s ten, or thirteen, or something. The one with the freckles, you know—the middle one, or possibly she’s the youngest. It’s only fair that we should do something nice for them—little does she know, she and her sisters are going to have to take care of us when we’re old! Ha ha!

Gary celebrated his fifth year with Johnston-Gretch, and his profit sharing is now fully vested! Yet he hasn’t neglected his theatrical career, playing The Gretch (get it?) at this year’s company holiday skit. In lieu of bonuses, every employee got a $50 Starbucks card. Yummy chai lattes, here we come!

In our biggest news of the year, Evelyn was downsized from the psych ward at Stuyvesant Presbyterian but landed on her feet processing insurance at one of those new 24-hour clinics that are popping up everywhere. With the new health care law, she figures her career is safe for a while. And it’s a good thing, because Gary hasn’t had a raise in four years—and he’s eating us out of house and home!

Speaking of home, back in March we stopped by the pet store with the cute puppies in the window and came this close to taking home a tiny little terrier. But cooler heads prevailed when we remembered we’d have to walk the darn thing every single day—even in the rain. That sure wasn’t going to happen!

In June we celebrated our anniversary by trying a new sexual position. Although it didn’t work out, we laughed for hours. And anyway the old positions work just fine—we have sex sometimes twice a week! And sometimes pretty loud! (Although not as loud as our neighbors in 17-C, but they’re only 25, and I’m sure she’s faking it anyway. Ha ha!)

Speaking of which, it’s time for our Saturday afternoon sex! That’s just about all the news anyway. Here’s hoping you and yours have a fabulous holiday season and lots of fun (and sex) in the new year!


Evelyn, Gary, and…that’s it! Just Evelyn and Gary!

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About Jon Sobel

Jon Sobel is a Publisher and Executive Editor of Blogcritics as well as lead editor of the Culture & Society section. As a writer he contributes most often to Culture, where he reviews NYC theater; he also covers interesting music releases. Through Oren Hope Marketing and Copywriting at http://www.orenhope.com/ you can hire him to write or edit whatever marketing or journalistic materials your heart desires. Jon also writes the blog Park Odyssey at http://parkodyssey.blogspot.com/ where he visits every park in New York City. And by night he's a part-time working musician: lead singer, songwriter, and bass player for Whisperado, a member of other bands as well, and a sideman.
  • Daphne

    The tone of this letter smacks of someone who is regretting their decision to have kids. Child-burdened, I call them.

    My husband and I are childfree, but we’re too busy going to restaurant and art openings, and world-traveling to write fun little letters every year. It’s cute that people with kids do that, though.

    We have a another charity galla tomorrow night, but..have fun with your poopy diapers and screaming. Oh, and the sticky hands-why do kids always have sticky hands!? Gross.

    Take Care.

    P.S. we have sex 3-4 times a week, and don’t have to schedule it;)

  • Hey Daphne, you got it all wrong. I don’t have kids. This was a riff on those “fun little letters” people with kids always send!

  • Jordan Richardson

    Daphne was probably too busy having sex at a “charity galla” and basking in her superiority to get the humour.

  • Well, humor is in the eye of the behumorer, after all.