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The Best Names in College Football, Part One

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They get more attention than us. Most of them get to go to school for free. And some of them will make more money than us.

[ADBLOCKHERE]In all honesty, the only way to bring them down to our level is to make fun of their names.

In an ambitious effort to highlight the best names in sports, let’s look at the NCAA football rosters and see if we can’t come up with a solid roster of offensive players with great names.

Just as the Heisman Trophy is named after legendary coach John Heisman, the best players this year will be honored on a the Futon Report-endorsed All-I.M. Hipp Team.

As long as we’re speculating, here are some potential names for the other sports:

  • Basketball: The All-World B. Free Team
  • Baseball: The All-Urban Shocker Team
  • Hockey: The All-Zarley Zalapski Team
  • Pro Football: The All-Ben Gay Team
  • College Basketball: The All-God Shammgod Team
  • Olympics: The All-Misty Hyman Team
  • Women’s College Basketball: The All-Mary Blessing Team
  • I-AA Football: The All-Pumpy Tudors Team

Starting out with the quarterbacks, running backs, wideouts, tight ends and kickers:

Quarterback

Zack Asack, Duke
Opposing defense known as “Sack-a-Zack.”

John David Booty, USC
Yarrh.

Jim Bob Cooter, Tennessee
Best said to the tune of Duelin’ Banjos.

Kaipo-Noa Kaheaku-Enhada, Navy
Tongue twister to us, but in Hawaii it’s like “John Jones.”

Steffen Van Zandt, Oklahoma
Gimme a three-step drop.

Running Backs

BenJarvus Green-Ellis, Mississippi
All about the BenJarvins.

Jon Helmandollar, Boise State
Heir to a mayonnaise mogul.

Ahmad Mayo, East Carolina
Puts on a clinic every time.

Richie Rich, North Carolina
How did he keep his amateur status?

Mister Simpson, Michigan
I’ll go right ahead and do the obvious joke:
“Hello, Mr. Simpson.”
“How did you know my first name?”

Wide Receivers

James Earl Cray, Troy
Wide open on the crassy knoll.

De’Cody Fagg, Florida State
What an unfortunate name. De’Cody.

Tim Frisby, South Carolina
Do players practice by tossing him around?

Alex Ghebreselassie, UCLA
Alex fell down the well again.

Darren Haliburton, South Florida
No-bid scholarship.

Evander Holyfield, Auburn
Both ears intact.

Taz Knockum, Memphis
Knockum back, knockum back, waaaay back.

Zach Muzzy, North Texas
Teaching British kids how to speak French.

Max Opamuratawongse, Wake Forest
They gave him a long-sleeved jersey for that last name.

Tight Ends

Nick Bigrigg, Kent State
10-4, good buddy.

Jarod Posthumus, Minnesota
Yet he looks so fresh.

Kyle Sackrider, Michigan State
What was his nickname in high school?

Kicker

Britt Barefoot, Southern Miss
I’d wear a shoe to kick if I were you.

Keith Toogood, Texas Tech
A little vain, are we?

Swayze Waters, UAB
Star of the cult classic Dirty Swimming.

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