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The Anti-FedEx Al Qaeda Massacre Movement

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I'm afraid that Homeland Security is going to end up being involved in this issue. It appears that Federal Express has given my printer to Al Qaeda. And this is a good, brand new PC Magazine Editor's Choice Award winning laser printer.

First, we do have at least one good American patriot in this dark story of international intrigue. That would be a guy who does business as Amazon seller Saving Everyday. Now, this fella conjured me up a brand new, well reviewed LASER printer for under $100, and had it on it's way to me nearly two weeks ago within a day of purchase. That's about half the price it could be bought for anywhere else. So he's good.

Problem was, he sent ol' Al a package via FedEx, and it still ain't here. Did I mention that FedEx sucks dodge balls?! Besides anything I've been told on the phone, even their tracking page on the web site has four identifiable falsehoods over a week of non-delivery (i.e. big fat lies). For example, on Saturday they couldn't deliver due to local weather conditions – on a sunny day when I bet there wasn't a snowflake or even raindrop within 50 miles.

They've got my phone number, I've given them directions. I've sent them links to Google Maps for my addy. X marks the spot. No, at some point they simply have no intention of delivering my package.

Then my big thinking brain (I'm Mensa, you know) comes up with the obvious answer: Al Qaeda. They've obviously got a mole at FedEx stealing supplies for use in future terror operations. Obama's been on the job a couple of weeks, he's let our guard down, and already these sonsabitches has took over. You see where Hamas and Fatah are fighting it out in Minnesota?

Why would Al Qaeda want Al Barger's printer, and what exactly would they do with it? I don't know, but you see how much they did with a handful of box cutters. What could they do with a powerful Samsung CLP 315? I'm not saying that it's likely, but they could use the lasers from the laser printer, and use them to create Laser Cats. It'd be like the SNL shorts – but for real, man! I don't know if I could live with myself if I let these jihadists get WMDs like that.

But I've got a mole on the inside at FedEx, a gal named Sharon Samuel who is a "customer advocate" in Atlanta. She's put out a stellar and daily effort to track down my damned printer. But they stonewall her ;cause she's on my side. They don't answer their phones most of the time. But this sister's been upwards and sideways and down trying to track my package. She is definitely pro-Al, and thus pro-American and patriotic. She will be held blameless in the coming recriminations.

And our humble prefers-to-be-anonymous seller gets a Minutemen Award for exceptional customer diligence. After several days and ways of misdirection on the phone, I wrote FedEx an email detailing this Printer Massacre Movement. As an aside, I CCd the seller, and sent it about 8PM. By 8:30PM on a Saturday night he was calling me on the phone to apologize for the delay in shipment and asking how he could help. Now that's a man ready to take care of business on a moment's notice, and go the extra mile to satisfy a customer. In short, he's a true American. Him and Sharon Samuel are how America is going to work out our current economic disruptions, one little problem at a time.

But the rest of you Al Qaeda and fellow travelers at Federal Express, don't think I'm not on to you. Team America will deal with you. You are worthress, FredRex!

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  • Brunelleschi

    ITAR at work!

  • pablo

    Interesting read, I would have thought however that the author was astute enough to know that FedEX is a CIA front company and has been one for years. Not to mention the genesis of AlCiaDa.

  • Clavos

    FedEX is a CIA front company….

    As long as the packages arrive on time…

  • Well Pablo, there are at least a couple of explanations for that. For one thing, why couldn’t they be CIA AND Al Qaeda? Could be double agents. Or the CIA and Al Qaeda could be in cahoots.

    Also, consider that in a big outfit like FedEx, there could be cross-currents of conspiracy. Wheels within wheels, as Robert Anton Wilson would put it. Perhaps some of the leadership at FedEx are working with the CIA or Homeland Security – but have been infiltrated at lower levels by other radical elements.

  • Mark (Ede)n

    mental mensas — a dime a dozen…mental menses — priceless

  • Mental mensas used to be a dime a dozen. In the current economic climate, we’re marked down to a nickel.

  • It’s the mental menses you really have to look out for.


  • M(ark E)den

    (You’ll have to forgive me for #5. The meme made me do it.)

  • The Blogcritics meme:

    1. An article on some aspect of contemporary politics or culture is published.
    2. Some discussion ensues.
    3. Pablo shows up to inform everyone that the topic of discussion is a CIA front.

  • zingzing

    i swear to god i’m going to pistol whip the next guy who says “meme.”

    i mean “shenanigans.”

  • I officially object to the utterly LAME substitution of the customer service book as the main Amazon pick/image on top of this article. The Arec Barwin was fine – though actually I dropped my ASINs out of order. I had really intended the Muhammed button to be the lead image.

    In short, customer service was not really the point in writing this. I wouldn’t bother the Blogcritics community with a mere minor customer service issue. This is about National Security and the creeping threat of jihadists in our midst – which is why I filed it as “politics” rather than “culture.”

    To the editor monkeys who have tried to marginalize and bowdlerize my brave challenge to the Forces of Jihad in our midst: Are you now, or have you ever been a member of a jihadist movement alien to our government? Are you with US or FedEX?

  • Clavos

    The NWO and Bilderberger Group, actually.

  • Laugh it up, Bilderberger Boy. Come The Revolution, you’re looking at a trip to Camp Mimi.

  • Clavos

    Camp Mimi? Named for the redoubtable and venerable Mimi Eisenhower, no doubt.

  • zingzing

    mimi is close enough. pistol whippings coming to miami and… where do you live al? i’m on a road trip to beat your ass.

  • zingzing

    i’ll say it again, i am not afraid to die… a hooked bone rising from my food(, zedd).

    i’m hoping to be done with all this measuring of the truth.
    an eye for eye and a tooth for a tooth.

    y’all are the sick breath at my hind.

  • No Clavos, Camp Mimi is so named for Mariah Carey. Originally conceived as a re-education camp for Mariah and her fans (the devil and her angels), the construct has been expanded to include other Enemies of The People.

    And Zingzing [in my best Francis Sawyer voice], you just made the list, buddy.