I'm afraid that Homeland Security is going to end up being involved in this issue. It appears that Federal Express has given my printer to Al Qaeda. And this is a good, brand new PC Magazine Editor's Choice Award winning laser printer.
First, we do have at least one good American patriot in this dark story of international intrigue. That would be a guy who does business as Amazon seller Saving Everyday. Now, this fella conjured me up a brand new, well reviewed LASER printer for under $100, and had it on it's way to me nearly two weeks ago within a day of purchase. That's about half the price it could be bought for anywhere else. So he's good.
Problem was, he sent ol' Al a package via FedEx, and it still ain't here. Did I mention that FedEx sucks dodge balls?! Besides anything I've been told on the phone, even their tracking page on the web site has four identifiable falsehoods over a week of non-delivery (i.e. big fat lies). For example, on Saturday they couldn't deliver due to local weather conditions – on a sunny day when I bet there wasn't a snowflake or even raindrop within 50 miles.
They've got my phone number, I've given them directions. I've sent them links to Google Maps for my addy. X marks the spot. No, at some point they simply have no intention of delivering my package.
Then my big thinking brain (I'm Mensa, you know) comes up with the obvious answer: Al Qaeda. They've obviously got a mole at FedEx stealing supplies for use in future terror operations. Obama's been on the job a couple of weeks, he's let our guard down, and already these sonsabitches has took over. You see where Hamas and Fatah are fighting it out in Minnesota?
Why would Al Qaeda want Al Barger's printer, and what exactly would they do with it? I don't know, but you see how much they did with a handful of box cutters. What could they do with a powerful Samsung CLP 315? I'm not saying that it's likely, but they could use the lasers from the laser printer, and use them to create Laser Cats. It'd be like the SNL shorts – but for real, man! I don't know if I could live with myself if I let these jihadists get WMDs like that.
But I've got a mole on the inside at FedEx, a gal named Sharon Samuel who is a "customer advocate" in Atlanta. She's put out a stellar and daily effort to track down my damned printer. But they stonewall her ;cause she's on my side. They don't answer their phones most of the time. But this sister's been upwards and sideways and down trying to track my package. She is definitely pro-Al, and thus pro-American and patriotic. She will be held blameless in the coming recriminations.
And our humble prefers-to-be-anonymous seller gets a Minutemen Award for exceptional customer diligence. After several days and ways of misdirection on the phone, I wrote FedEx an email detailing this Printer Massacre Movement. As an aside, I CCd the seller, and sent it about 8PM. By 8:30PM on a Saturday night he was calling me on the phone to apologize for the delay in shipment and asking how he could help. Now that's a man ready to take care of business on a moment's notice, and go the extra mile to satisfy a customer. In short, he's a true American. Him and Sharon Samuel are how America is going to work out our current economic disruptions, one little problem at a time.
But the rest of you Al Qaeda and fellow travelers at Federal Express, don't think I'm not on to you. Team America will deal with you. You are worthress, FredRex!