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The Adventures of What’s-His-Name, Part 2

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When we last left our hero, he was standing on the body of his archenemy while shouting nonsense!

“So shall it be to everyone but my enemies!!” he cried. Before he could realize that he had actually done some work, a curious crowd of murmuring people started to gather around him, and the unconscious body he was standing on. What’s-his-name began to bask in the attention that was given him when he heard another evil saying nearby. “Holy in-,” and he quickly censored himself. “Oh no!” he cried. Then, faster than you could read Lord of the Rings aloud, from cover to cover (including the notes on the elvish language), he ran towards the evil sayings. He entered a nearby building and saw, to his disgust, a couple discussing marriage. “I most certainly thought we taxed that silly idea away! I must stop them!” What’s-his-name snuck up behind them and screamed, “Stop!!!” The couple was startled, and looked up at the super hero. “Don’t you realize what a stupendously silly idea that is?”

“What is?” said Aaron, looking up at What’s-his-name.

“Marriage, silly. It is an unneccessa-”

And before he could finish the sentence, Aaron said, “Actually, I think it’s a great idea!” Then, he got down on one knee, and pulling a ring out of his pocket, said, “Kari, would you marry me?” Kari became excited, and before she could shout, “It’s a ring!!!” What’s-his-name shouted, “Nooooooooooooooooooooooo!”

“No! She will not marry you! She knows better than that you infatuated bigot! How insensitive could you be!? Think of all the people with alternative and equally valid lifestyles you just offended around you!”

“Actually, I don’t think there are any in this place,” said a voice in the newly formed crowd behind him, “In case you did not notice, you are in a southern, conservative college campus.”

What’s-his-name gave a loud shout of despair. “I thought all of you were gotten rid of by the government controlled educational system!”

“Most of us were homeschooled.”

“Agh! None of you Communist fascist jerks know what is good for you! None of you!!! All of you need diversity training in front of a reconditioning unit!”

“What’s that?” Asked yet another not so enlightened person in the crowd.

“I am glad you asked!” What’s-his-name grabbed his matter materializer of Doom and produced a what appeared to be a television.

“That’s nothing more than a TV!” shouted a voice in the growing crowd.

“Not just a TV,” said What’s-his-name with a sly, goody-goody, yet doomy grin while placing it on the table. He then pressed a button on the device and a little light at the top of the device started blinking. “Watch closely and something neat will happen.”

“How do we know you are not just making fools of us,” asked someone else in the crowd.

“Because I got it on the Internet,” said What’s-his-name.

“Okay then.” With that, everyone stared intently on the blinking blue light. Everyone except for Aaron and Kari, who had left to make wedding plans.

What’s-his-name then turned on the TV part of the TV-like device and started playing his favorite show, “The Glory of Stalin.” One by one, the students were intrigued by the great things Stalin had done for all humanity and started watching the video rather than the blinking. “Mua-hahahaha,” laughed What’s-his-name. He turned off the blinking light and let the crowds watch Stalin’s splendor.

Meanwhile, Super Bob awoke from his unconscious stupor. He looked around and saw that the lights in the nearby eating facility were turned off, and that there was an eerie glow inside. “Oh no,” he thought, “What’s-his-name must be indoctrinating the poor students with his evil blinking reconditioning unit of doom! There is no way I could go in there to save them! Even I can be sucked in and indoctrinated by it!” Super Bob sat up and thought to himself about how he could save the students from assimilation.

Will Super Bob risk getting sucked into What’s-his-name’s trap? Will the entire campus become Stalin followers? Is this story about Super Bob or What’s-his-name? Why is What’s-his-name worried about gender neutrality if his name has his in it? Stay tuned to find out!

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