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The #1 Secret of Great Relationships

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Behind all the issues that separate an okay relationship from a great one is one common factor. Behind all the truly helpful advice on improving your life together, there lies one key to a great relationship.

Many different kinds of problems can cause a relationship to fall apart. Physical or emotional abuse, addictions, cheating, jealousy, and neediness are just a few of the issues that can destroy a relationship. Once the many potentially disastrous problems have been avoided, what do you have? Perhaps a relationship that qualifies only as "pretty good."

What creates a really great relationship?

At the beginning, we are in relationship because we are attracted to the other person. We think they are sexy, smart, funny, whatever it is we find appealing, but very quickly the focus of the relationship turns to whether we feel appreciated. If we don't feel appreciated, we don't feel loved.

It is common for those entering into a relationship to hold an idealized image of how a perfect partner is supposed to act. Perhaps a man is supposed to open car doors. Perhaps a woman is supposed to wear a certain kind of underwear. The internal dialog goes something like, "Jim is a wonderful person and loves me. After we're together, he will change because he loves me so much. He will stop wanting to hang out with his friends and watch football games."

How can anyone feel appreciated when their loved one is wishing or hoping for them to change?

The greatest roadblock to a great relationship is trying to force a partner to change through bribes or threats. This classic human tendency is lampooned in the long-running, off-Broadway musical comedy I Love You, You're Perfect, Now Change. It's funny to watch other people go through the cycle of searching for the perfect mate, believing they have found that person and then gradually attempting to remold the supposedly perfect partner.

Unfortunately, in real life this pattern is a cause of immense suffering.

The number one secret of a great relationship is accepting our partner exactly as they are. We cause ourselves untold misery whenever we believe our loved ones to be imperfect and then try to change them.

To create a great relationship, say and mean, "I love you just the way you are." No pretense. No hoping for change. No thought that it used to be better, or might get better. Follow through by living that sentiment every day.

Falling into the trap of thinking, "I wish you were different" or "Please change" is no way to show your love. Happiness lies in this number one rule of great relationships.

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About Jonathan Lockwood Huie

  • em

    What if you want your significant other to break a self-damaging habit (e.g. alcohol/drug addiction) because you can’t bare to see him/her destroy his/herself like that?
    How would you go about helping the person without making it seem like you don’t love the person for who they are completely, who they truly are without the influence of bad habits?

  • em: thanks for your question.

    Ask you significant other if they want to break the habit, and if they want your help. If they do want to break the habit and do want your help, providing you help is a blessing to them and will help strengthen your relationship.

    However, if they don’t see that they have a problem, you must take care of yourself first. You are not going to be able to help them until they are ready to accept your help.

    For others reading these comments, remember that the article addresses improving relationships where addictions and such are NOT present.

  • zb

    i have fallen for my best friend husband is it the right thing to do and i knw the greatest secret you have mentioned is what is there and we get along very well which is still under the carpet.confused but i luv him and we seem to knw what we want from each other.

  • Gimme a break

    What you are describing is not “love,” it’s deceit and self deception. Get a backbone.