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Ten Things to Take From The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands

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Dr. Laura Schlessinger has written another book that deserves a place on the best seller list with six of her other books, such as Ten Stupid Things Women Do to Mess Up Their Lives and Ten Stupid Things Men Do to Mess Up Their Lives. The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, from this unmarried man’s perspective, is an excellent manual for women on how to get want they want from men and marriage and, generally, how to be happy. Dr. Laura makes a number of important, practical points, based on her experience in private practice, from advising her radio callers, and from literally hundreds of letters and emails she received from men and women while she was writing the book. Here are the points that struck this writer, together with commentary:

1. Men Need Women, and This Need Gives Women Huge Influence. Dr. Laura states the point as follows: “[M]en are simple creatures who come from a woman, are nurtured and brought up by a woman, and yearn for the continued love, admiration, and approval from a woman.” Women have great power and influence over men, and wives in particular have tremendous power over their husbands. How they use this power essentially controls the relationship, because women are the masters of most relationships and marriages. That’s why Dr. Laura says that she probably won’t write The Proper Care and Feeding of Wives: wives already have most of the power and their marriages depend, for the most part, on them.

2. Women Err in Favoring Children Over Husband. A friend once told this writer that once a woman has children, her husband is relegated to the moral equivalence of a piece of furniture. How sad if this is true in many marriages. Here’s how Dr. Laura puts it: “Once wives became mothers, they had no time to be wives. The men would even compliment their wives on being great mothers, but expressed considerable pain over not being shown love, affection, or sexual interest. The typical reply from a wife challenged with this was ‘I only have time to take care of one person, and our child is that person. I’m just too tired for you.’ This puts fathers in the ugly and uncomfortable position of feeling competitive with and resentful of their children, whom they love so much.”

3. Men and Women Are Different. That men and women are deeply different ought not to be notable, but for the fact that it is so often challenged today. Dr. Laura says that society tries to make both men and women “unisex.” But men are happiest being men, and women are happiest being women, with few exceptions. The differences start to manifest themselves very early. In one study Dr. Laura mentions, a barrier was placed between 1 year-old babies and their mothers. What did the little boys do? They attempted to get around the barrier or knock it down. The little girls? They cried until their mothers’ picked them up. Men tend to respond to things physically, women verbally. In fact, the two sexes are just right for each other.

4. Not Every Thought and Feeling Needs to be Said. Women tend to be so verbal, so expressive, that they can tire out men easily unless they exercise some restraint. Dr. Laura reports that wives generally overwhelm their husbands with communication. “Husbands imagine (so foolishly) that their wives are telling them something they actually need to know because they’re supposed to do something about it. Otherwise, men can’t imagine why the ‘communication’ is happening at all. It confuses them, frustrates them, and their response is to turn off. That’s when they unfairly become labeled insensitive.” Husbands and fiances are not girlfriends or psychologists, and women who want attention should adjust their communication style accordingly when speaking with them.

5. Men Are Not Mind-Readers. Most men are not very intuitive compared to most women. Many women “get caught up in the absurdly romanticized notion that ‘if he loved me, he’d just know what I’m thinking, what I’d like, what he should say.'” If a woman wants her man to do something, she should just ask him plainly, without nagging, and show appreciation when he does it. To act otherwise, as many women do, shows arrogance and lack of respect for the husband’s difference, and it leads to unhappiness in the marriage and in the family.

6. Man Is an Embodied Soul. No, Dr. Laura didn’t put it that way; “embodied soul” is a Catholic concept. But that concept is what underlies her discussion of how important it is to a man that his wife try to keep up her appearance. What does it mean that we are embodied souls? It means that our bodies are integral parts of who we are. We are not just souls. Our bodies are not like clothing that we can take on or off. There was no time during which we had only souls and not bodies, and in eternity as well we will have bodies. It is through our bodies, in fact, that we communicate to our loved ones and to the rest of the world. One thinks of the beautiful line from the old Anglican marriage rite: bride and groom pledge to each other “with my body I thee worship.” It is ironic, but in many cases men–sex-crazed pigs in the minds of many women–actually have a truer understanding of the beauty of the body and the meaning of the marital embrace than their wives do. “Objectification” may come as much or more from the woman’s side as from the husband’s if the woman sees her own body as being separate from rather than an integral part of herself. Dr. Laura writes: “In reading all the letters from men, I was struck by their depth of senstivity about the issue of women’s appearance. It wasn’t an impersonal, animal reaction (as it is with women the men don’t personally know), it was a deeply personal one. The wife’s comfort with and appreciation of her own body and femininity, and her willingness to share that with her husband, actually fed his sense of well-being, his feeling of being loved as a husband and valued as a ‘man.'”

7. Infidelity by Omission. Brides and grooms make a number of vows, not only of sexual fidelity. Marital vows include and imply words like love, honor, protect, and care for. “[W]hen one breaches those vows by neglect, is that also not a form of infidelity? Perhaps we should start looking at the act of intentionally depriving a spouse of legitimate needs as infidelity, too, because it stems from being unfaithful to the intent of the vows.”

8. In the Bedroom. To her credit, Dr. Laura gives due place to the importance for marriage of the marital act: “The bedroom is the foundation of marriage and family.” St. Josemaria Escriva, founder of Opus Dei, that supposedly conservative institution within the Church, put it this way: “The marriage bed is an altar.” Enough said?

9. Women Should Appreciate Men’s Masculinity. Dr. Laura relates a trip she made recently to a swimming pool. A mom and a dad were wading with their infant child. Mom held the child against her chest, cooed to him, and swooped him up and down. She passed the baby to dad. He turned the baby’s face outward and swooshed him forward and up into the air. “Mom equals protection and nurturance. Dad equals autonomy and adventure. It is the perfect balance that helps produce a functional, secure human being.” Too many women, though, act like Alice Kramdens, constantly belitting their husbands, shooting down their aspirations, treating them like children. Dr. Laura writes: “When a wife treats her man like he’s one of her children, when she puts him down or thwarts his need for autonomy, adventure, risk, competition, challenge, and conquest, she ends up with a sullen, unooperative, unloving, hostile lump.”

10. Thou Shalt Not Covet. Dr. Laura contributes a novel (to this writer) and insightful contemporary application of the commandment, “thou shal not covet.” Specifically, she understands it as a rebuke to people who want it all, especially feminists. “Perhaps the feminist notions about women having power if they do it all has obstructed too many women’s ability to realize that in real life we all make choices, and that the true joy and meaning of life is not in how many things we have or do, but in the sacrifice and commitment we make to others within the context of the choices we’ve made. The Tenth Commandment, about coveting, reminds us that none of us can have everything there is nor everything we want. Without enjoying and appreciating our gifts and blessings, we create a hell on earth for ourselves and for those who love us.”

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About KC Dickinson

  • http://www.bhwblog.com bhw

    This is hilarious. Dr. Laura, proud defender of 1940s stereotypes.

    I can’t pick a favorite from the list above. They’re all so rich!

    Here’s a good one:

    Women tend to be so verbal, so expressive, that they can tire out men easily unless they exercise some restraint….It confuses them, frustrates them, and their response is to turn off. That’s when they unfairly become labeled insensitive.” Husbands and fiances are not girlfriends or psychologists, and women who want attention should adjust their communication style accordingly when speaking with them.

    Ah yes, little women. You talk too much! Yapyapyapyapyap. That’s all you do. Can’t you just shut UP already? Women, you just need to adjust to your precious man’s needs. Change your boring, droning ways if you want him to actually *listen* to you. It’s so unfair that men are called insensitive when women are the ones boring them to death with all that noise. What do you expect?

    And this one:

    Too many women, though, act like Alice Kramdens, constantly belitting their husbands, shooting down their aspirations, treating them like children. Dr. Laura writes: “When a wife treats her man like he’s one of her children, when she puts him down or thwarts his need for autonomy, adventure, risk, competition, challenge, and conquest, she ends up with a sullen, unooperative, unloving, hostile lump.”

    You overbearing shrews! What do you expect your man to do if you don’t just leave him alone and stop nagging him?

    I get Dr. Laura’s recipe for happiness: Women, subjugate who you are so your man can be a MAN. Don’t be a feminist! If you do, it will be your fault if your marriage fails. You are responsible for your own behavior AND the behavior of your spouse. It’s your job to change your nasty, feminist ways and just let him be a MAN.

    DINGBATS!

    Also, can’t let the lead-in from the main page go without comment:

    Dr. Laura does it again: The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands contains a wealth of great advice for women who are ready to put aside feminism and instead be happy and fulfilled in their marriages.

    Yes, feminism ruins happy marriages! Feminism = unhappiness. It’s so simple. I see it now, really, I do.

  • http://fando.blogs.com Natalie Davis

    Oh, holy crap (which is a great description for most of what Ms. Schlessinger does and says.) Whatever few good points she makes is undone by her position that a good wife gives in to her lord and master’s sexual urges even if she isn’t in the mood. What a dolt she is.

  • http://www.bhwblog.com bhw

    I also love how Dr. Laura is neither a parent nor a wife, and yet she dishes out “advice” for women who are with that overbearing tone.

  • http://fando.blogs.com Natalie Davis

    Actually, she is in her second marriage and she does have a teenage child. Her long-used radio boast is that she is “my kid’s mom.” Her spouse is her manager. I wonder if she gives it up whenever hubby demands it…

  • boomcrashbaby

    I wanna know how much time she spends neglecting her husband while she’s off writing yet another I-need-to-show-you-how-to-live-with-another-human-being book.

  • http://fando.blogs.com Natalie Davis

    Yeah, if she is the breadwinner, one would imagine it must take some doing to make him feel like The Man.

  • PixelMan

    Geez, bhw derides Dr. Laura as a “defender of 1940s stereotypes” but her advice sounds more like enlightened post-feminism than anti-feminism to me.

    Saying that “Women tend to be so verbal, so expressive, that they can tire out men easily” is not saying “shut your yap, little women” or cater to your husbands. It is just acknowledging real, lab-proven differences in the way men and women communicate.

    In general (your mileage may vary), we men are serial thinkers and problem-solvers. Try as we might, when women engage in their rich, native communication style of painting interwoven word pictures of relationships, events and feelings, it is a struggle for most men to pick out the actionable-items our hunter/defender brains are listening for.

    That doesn’t mean men have a right to tune women out, but if they really want to be heard, women sometimes need to “dumb down” their speech to serial Man-speak periodically.

  • http://www.iamrighturpie.blogspot.com/ jadester

    or at the least, not expect us blokes to be psychic so much of the time.
    Actually, that’s unfair, there must be women out there who realise we men, in general (i.e. there are exceptions, as always), aren’t nearly so intuitive as women. I just haven’t met any of them yet =+)
    But a lifestyle book can only ever be used as a rough guide at most – it’d be impossible to come up with an infalliable course of action for any possible situation that may arise in a relationship.

  • Eric Olsen

    get in the kitchen and make me sammich, woman!

  • http://fando.blogs.com Natalie Davis

    (not directed at you, Eric, but at any man who would make such a neanderthal comment):

    eff off, man, and make it yerself!

  • HW Saxton Jr.

    Natalie,regarding comment #2. A Hispanic
    lady friend of mine said that her mother
    had taught her basically the same thing
    in regards to lovemaking when you aren’t
    in the “mood”. She said that succumbing
    to his wishes gives the man the illusion
    that he is somehow in “control”.

    I can’t say that I agree 100% with her
    as I wouldn’t want to make love with my
    girlfriend if she was not “feeling it”.
    I mean what fun is that??? But,since the
    majority of us men are simple creatures quite easily manipulated by sex & given
    to self delusion,she may have a point
    there,obscure as it is. As to why anyone
    would ever want to think that they are
    “in control” of a relationship I dunno.

  • http://fando.blogs.com Natalie Davis

    And the “Hispanic” reference is germane because…???

  • http://www.gwbush.blogspot.com RJ Elliott

    Not Every Thought and Feeling Needs to be Said. Women tend to be so verbal, so expressive, that they can tire out men easily unless they exercise some restraint. Dr. Laura reports that wives generally overwhelm their husbands with communication. “Husbands imagine (so foolishly) that their wives are telling them something they actually need to know because they’re supposed to do something about it. Otherwise, men can’t imagine why the ‘communication’ is happening at all. It confuses them, frustrates them, and their response is to turn off. That’s when they unfairly become labeled insensitive.” Husbands and fiances are not girlfriends or psychologists, and women who want attention should adjust their communication style accordingly when speaking with them.

    I agree. Men are generally hard-wired to be “problem solvers.” When a woman mentions something that is a problem, EVEN IF SHE IS JUST LOOKING FOR EMPATHY, OR LETTING OFF SOME STEAM, the man will generally feel that he is now obligated to find a solution to this problem. When the man proposes a solution, the woman sometimes views this as insensitive. I’ve seen it, and I’ve lived it.

    Women, in general, verbally communicate (or so I have read) something like four times as often as men do, in general. This is probably because when men talk, there is usually something of importance they want to communicate to others in order to get something done, i.e. to solve a problem. Women are more wont to talk for the sake of talking.

    This does not mean one gender is superior/inferior to the other. It just means they are inherently different. And we could do worse than to realize what these differences are and appreciate them.

  • http://www.gwbush.blogspot.com RJ Elliott

    Has anyone here ever actually listened to Dr. Laura’s radio program? I find her to be a horrible little woman, belittling her callers, making half of these sad-sacks burst into tears by the end of the call. Why in the name of sweet Jesus would anyone willingly go on the air to be humilitated by this woman?

    That being said, she is an absolutely brilliant debater. Even if you disagree with her opinions/advice, she does make quite compelling arguments for her side.

    Anyway, my two cents…

  • HW Saxton Jr.

    I thought I’d mention the fact because
    many Hispanic women are often seen as being subservient and docile.In reality
    of course this stereotype is bullshit,
    as is the case with 99 1/2% of all the
    stereotypes in this world.

    Assuredly this was only ambiguity on my
    behalf,nothing sinister as your question
    as your question seems to imply.

  • HW Saxton Jr.

    Comment 15 is in response to Natalie D.
    and comment 12.

  • Monica Boykins

    Dr. Laura seems to mean well, but her tone is a bit abrasive. This country is in need of help. Marriages every where are in trouble. Divorce is as common as a cold. I commend Dr. Laura for taking a stand and doing something to help, however I don’t think she is realistic.

  • dave

    Ok, those who wrote negative comments about Dr. Laura have obviously not listened to her
    or listened to the news recently. If they have they would know that marriages in the USA,
    are in serious jeopardy. Dr. Laura calls the shots as they should be, no bull, no excuses,
    just action. This country has forgotten all about personal responibility, well Dr. Laura
    has not.

    It makes me laugh to read the crazy feminists saying, “Oh yea, be submissive to your husband”,
    they think that is a bad thing?!?! Ok, all you Dr. Laura bashers, first, how many of you know
    any men/guys who DO NOT like sex? Yeah, not too many, that’s what i thought. How many of those
    men who ‘don’t like sex’, would or could be bribed with sexual favors? Oh yeah, none of them…

    So, being submissive to your husband, that’s a bad thing? Example: what is a woman’s favorite
    thing? Why not do that favorite thing to make them happy? Even if you don’t want to, or don’t
    like to, but you know the other party does like it?

    Second, how many divorces and/or children out of wedlock were there in 1940? Yeah, not too many,
    so they must have been doing something right, but again, the crazy feminists will deny that.

    Come on, just look around, read the news or watch the news on TV. The country is going down
    the tubes because adults are too bull-headed and selfish to think about the other person
    in their marriage or their children.

    Men are very basic creatures, they need only food, sex and water, ok a few more things too,
    but those are the main points. You are a lying sack of XXXX if you think otherwise.
    The same goes for women and “talking” or “communicating”. For a man not to have sex, it’s
    like a woman not talking….they almost feel empty without it.

    If these stupid Dr. Laura bashers would listen to her radio show or read this book, you would
    learn she is actually on your side. She is just trying to show you women how to use this
    ‘sexual’ power over men…we all know sex sells, you’re ignorant if you think otherwise.
    So, why not learn to use this to help in other areas. I just wish it was this easy for men.

  • http://www.rodneywelch.blogspot.com/http://www.rodneywelch.blogspot.com/http://www.rodneywelch.blogspot.com/http://www.rodneywelch.blogspot.com/http://www.rodneywelch.blogspot.com/http://www.rodneywel Rodney Welch

    Dr. Laura Schlessinger thinks feminism has turned women into angry, hectoring, nagging, sneering, pent-up, vicious shrews — and if she’s any example, she’s absolutely correct.

  • http://www.roblogpolitics.blogspot.com RJ

    I listen to her on the drive home from work sometimes. I can’t take more than a few minutes of her. I just feel plain BAD for the callers. EVERY caller gets shabby treatment, IMO.

    That being said, her advice is hard to argue with. While I sometimes wonder how she can listen to someone talk about their relationship for 30 seconds and then say, with authority, “Oh, you need to dump him, you weak person you” she still usually gets her callers to agree.

    Either these people are complete sheep, or Dr. Laura actually knows her stuff pretty well.

    Color me ambivalent…

  • http://www.rodneywelch.blogspot.com/ Rodney Welch

    I know what you’re saying, RJ. Everyone who calls seems to be wearing a sign on their forehead that says: PLEASE ABUSE ME.

  • SL

    Dr. Laura’s bottom line is children. Perhaps if this country based it’s decisions on what was best for them, we’d all be better off. On another tact, it’s an act of love, not subservience, to satisfy a man’s needs and vice versa. And, finally, most of Dr. Laura’s callers are searching for the ethical answer. It’s humility you’re hearing, not humiliation.

  • http://askdocterschmock.blogspot.com Docter Benjamin Schmock, NRAMD

    Finally, people are beginning to understand how so-called Dr. Schlessinger is part of the vast female-type person conspiracy to turn husbands and fathers into helpless dolts–not that they need too much help. Her other books are equally as insidious.

    These are dangerous times. Male-type persons are clueless when it comes to surviving marriages and children, a condition that the conspiracy is out to capitalize on.

    For help, check out the help at the blog established by Docter Schmock, NRAMD (Not Really A Medical Doctor.) http://askdocterschmock.blogspot.com

  • HoHum

    You people are so ridiculous. Get lives.

  • http://paperfrigate.blogspot.com DrPat

    I’ll share something we have found of IMMENSE help:

    Wife says: Let me just blow off some steam here… (commences rant)

    Husband says: Um-hmm… Oh?… Uh-huh… (secure that he isn’t expected to really react)

    OR Wife says: This is driving me crazy! I can’t figure out what to do next… (commences rant)

    Husband: *gears up problem solving skills* Have you tried… What happened when you… Maybe you could…

    Such signals may be unique to each marriage, but like “please” and “thank you”, are the essential lubricant for smooth communication.

    Since we instituted this kind of signalling, our marriage has been much more pleasant for us both!

  • Lisa G.

    Dr. Laura isn’t writing about anything new here. She is merely bringing back into focus the values that used to make marriages work. Feminism has created a terrible problem in society, although society as a whole is in pretty bad shape. Man was created to be the head of the household, the bread-winner, the protector. Woman was created as the help mate, the encourager. This is the foundation to a healthy, lasting marriage. Our differences are what make us compliment each other. Women need to feel protected and taken care of, while men need support and approval. This has nothing to do with whether you like Dr. Laura as a radio show host, because honestly I cannot stand her program and the way she treats her callers. However, in the case of this book, she is dead on. Unfortunately most women will never get that equality does not mean “sameness”. It’s sad that women today actually think they can have happy, lasting marriages when they try to reverse our natural roles in life.

    On a side note: I also totally agree with satisfying your husband sexually if you aren’t in the mood, but not as a means to get what you want. It’s a matter of love and the willingness to give of yourself for your spouse. This is the whole purpose of the act. If you are doing it for the gratification of self, it means nothing. If you are doing it for the gratification of your partner, it’s making love.

  • DMichelle

    I wonder how most men feel when his gender is insulted constantly on sitcoms, talk shows, counseling sessions, parties, to their face, etc?

    I also think there is something in alot of us women that hurts a little when we’re told we talk too much or drive people nuts with endless chatter. While we have some very good things to say, we should agree – sometimes we are better off holding back or practicing some more conciseness. I will not be too concise now, however.

    I know why so many of my gender are mad at you guys… After getting affectionate or getting otherwise physically intimate and you don’t fall for us as we have for you, we are trained to hold you in contempt and mistrust you.

    It’s no wonder so many women find Dr. Laura’s comments hard to swallow.

    What our world look like if men had to marry us to “get some?” Well maybe men would be better catches because alot of that sexual drive would be directed instead at getting ready to be a good catch, husband and father – thus less “loser men.”

    And women, instead of wasting our time being with losers and mooning/ranting over guys who “luved” us and left us, we might spend more energy becoming the delightful kind of creatures that men adore and kids would enjoy being raised by.

    But if we keep giving men freebies before marriage or a real commitment, there will be more of the same… angry, defensive, controlling, critical women that men run from or yawningly co-exist with, just to get a little sex, partnership and avoid divorce lawyers.

    It’s no wonder porn is so big, we have given them reason to go off looking elsewhere.

    Women, why don’t we divert some of those billions being spent on porn to spoiling us? They will, if we are more appreciative and easier to love. Sex-life might even get more interesting. But we are afraid to let our guard down and look what we have? Divorce, cheating and marriages and families that drive many onlookers like myself to stay single.

    Laura Doyle who wrote The Surrendered Single and The Surrendered Wife said that besides the obvious vices(heavy drinking/gambling, drugs, abusiveness) the only thing we should be afraid of with a man is our tendency to criticize and control him.

    I think Dr. Laura is one of the many out there on the cutting edge, trying to get us to quit blaming and blasting eachother and take some responsibility for our part. We woemn do have the power. And I think it pisses us off, because we are losing our some of our excuses to complain. As much as I have, I know many men want to please us, the ones that don’t we should dump. If your married though, give it another try and see what happens, try some of Dr. Laura’s ideas. You might have a real hunk you never knew, and he might discover a gem in you, too.

    Other than some basic human rights issues, feminism has not helped women too much in marriage and family life. In fact, violence and disrespect against women and children has done anything but decrease. Maybe if the vocal feminists spent more time on that than abortion and contraception, it might have been different. Where were they when Terry Schiavo needed their help? Silent.

    Except for a pro-life feminist named Patricia Heaton, the big guns in the feminist movement were cowards because respect for bedridden (likely formally abused by husband)women who can’t feed themsleves, come to close to their need for abortion. This is where much of feminism has gone today, into the toilet ranting about reproductive rights.

    We women who have not been so brainwashed, need to build the bridge.

    But especially those of us men and women who are single, we can turn America around from the inside out.
    But we need to get our heads straight before we get married. We could start by quitting shacking up, using eachother and get some real courtship in dating. Maybe we could try actually knowing who someone is and making a lifelong committment before taking everyone’s clothes off?

    Kudos to Dr. Laura and anyone else who has the courage to speak some truth. You may not agree with all of it or how she operates, but come on, she is saying some true stuff.

    http://www.godofdesire.squarespace.com/twelve-principles/

    “Attraction and desire are of the essence of love” –JPII

  • http://www.att.com DJ

    In response to DMichelle (and others), allow me to point out that we need to get a few real “facts” out here instead of all of these assumptions; not the least of which has to do with that era in the 1940’s-1950’s which has somehow been glorified as being a kinder, gentler time than it actually was. ;)

    The divorce rate (depending on whose statistics you want to believe ) ranged from 37-39%. That’s right. 37-39%! And, more than 1/2 of those divorces were filed by (you guessed it) MEN. One might argue that 37% is far lower than the present day 50% but that argument doesn’t hold water when you look at it in a per capita view. That is, there are far more marriages today than there were in the 1940-50 era. But, even if you were to refuse to believe these statistics, let’s look at why the divorce rate actually was lower during that time period.

    To begin with, women didn’t work outside of the home. In fact, pursuing a college education was difficult. I have had older women friends reveal to me that some colleges turned them away back in the day, because they were women. So, most women were relegated to the professions of nursing, teacher, librarian, secretary or waitress, none of which were high paying careers. Hence, wives with children who were unhappy in their marriages had no other option other than to stay in the marriage since self-sufficiency outside of the marriage was non-existent. Many of these women (as we have since learned today) endured great physical and psychological abuses in their marriages but such abuse went under reported because it was considered taboo to bring society’s scrutiny upon one’s family.

    The feminist movement merely gave women an option they hadn’t had prior; the ability to sustain a career outside of the home and to be more self sufficient. It is no surprise, therefore, that the divorce rate went up steadily, is it? You see, marriages weren’t more solid or happier in the 40’s-50’s. They just “looked” that way. Think back and I’m sure each of you knows of at least one couple who divorced as soon as their kids were grown and out of the house. Many of these couples were married 30, 40, even 50 years. Why?

    And why did men make up 50% of that 37% that did file for divorce? If they lived in the eutopia that Laura Schlessinger paints, why on earth would they want out? And, what on earth would provoke a man to stay in a marriage today, even if his wife abided by the societal norm of the 40’s? I don’t have the answers to these questions…but, I’m working on it. ;)

    As to DM’s observation that we should get men to drop pornography for us by being a more chaste and moral woman…well, sorry DM, but that won’t work. It’s never worked, not even in biblical times. Schlessinger herself maintains that men are visual creatures who will always seek outside stimuli regardless of his sexual satisfaction within his marriage. So, my guess is, porn isn’t going anywhere but up….

    As for the rants against feminism, I fail to understand why such angst? I can’t think of many women who don’t hold a job and often wonder who it is they think they have to thank for that. Feminism has helped to develop laws to protect women, to provide greater punishment for violent crimes such as rape, to ensure women are given equal right to marital property in the event of divorce. How can any woman say she is against being given an equal opportunity and voice in society as a human being?

    At any rate, Schlessinger’s book (much like Schlessinger) is simply a heap of hypocritical, self-serving, hateful rhetoric aimed at making women feel bad about being women. Consider that it is attitudes such as Schlessinger’s that actually fueled the feminist movement in the first place! Further consider that Schlessinger is ultra-conservative, has no degree is psychology or psychiatry and is NOT a medical doctor. Given that, it’s not hard to understand why her advice is not only without foundation, but it can be downright dangerous.

    Lastly, the idea that a woman should submit to sex on demand is a concept so outrageous that words fail me. Sex is the most intimate activity that two people can share. The very suggestion that only partner’s satisfaction is relevant, belies the true selfishness of any man who would adopt such an attitude. “Dave” quoted the Opus Dei as saying that “the marriage bed is an altar”. Well, altars are made for one thing: sacrifice. And Schlessinger believes it is the woman who should always be the sacrifice.

    Schlessinger’s book puts 100% of the blame and responsibility for the success of a marriage squarely on the wife’s shoulders. Clearly this cannot be true as such a concept doesn’t work in day to day life. Teams are not formed for the purpose of having one person do all the work. The success of any team is dependent on the equal contribution of each of its members; not the tolerance of one member to forgive the apathy and selfishness of the others. How can one possibly believe that a marriage could be successful by handing a giant to-do list to only one spouse?

  • Joy

    Hm. Based on a lot of comments I’ve read, it seems as if the majority of you have NOT read the book, just based your opinions on the synopsis. That’s too bad. You miss the point. If I, as a woman, am in constant competition with my husband, where does that get me? Just think about it. If you are constantly in competition with a friend or co-worker, what happens? If I, as a wife, constantly place my children’s needs above my husband’s, where might he go to get the little attention he needs? If I, as a intelligent, professional women, who does work outside the home and hold a degree, realize his needs and lovingly caters to him because I am his helpmate, his friend, his lover…guess where that gets me? It gets me treated with respect and tenderness, folks. It’s recripocal, and you who slam this book fail to see that most important point. My husbands sexual needs are greater than my own. I will never use sex as a weapon or a manipulative tool against him, and yes, when he is in need I happily comply unless I’m really not feeling well. How selfish to do otherwise! He, on the other hand, does not rape me every night. On the contrary, when I am in the mood he goes above and beyond the call of duty to make sure that I am completely satisfied.

    We as a society are so selfishly motivated, that listening to some basic solid advice that suggests we think of others for a little bit (and yes, smacks of some good, sound Biblical principles, which by the way do NOT belittle women but place them as equals, unless you choose to misinterpret one of Paul’s letters…) seems so repulsive that we are compelled to critize and debunk it. No wonder people are so unhappy and marriages are failing.

    The competition thing between husband and wife? Doesn’t work. Been there, tried that, almost got a divorce. Changing my attitude and giving my husband (as a fellow human being) the respect and care he deserves? Been there, still doing that and still maintaining my identity as an individual. Imagine that!

    Happily married and going strong for 28 years, and have raised three very competent, strong-minded, well-grounded and independent young adults.

  • http://paperfrigate.blogspot.com DrPat

    Joy, you probably heard Dr. Schlessinger say recently (she repeats it every few days) that what every husband yearns to hear is that he is a wonderful husband, a stud, handsome (to his wife), and telling him that will get the wife an amazing amount of loving attention from her spouse.

    That’s perhaps a condensed version of the book, and I know from my own 34-year marriage that it works for me!

    Nothing feminist about it, as far as I can see — Dr. Laura misuses that term in precisely the same way some women do in order to justify their own poor choices.

  • Joy

    Amen to that.

  • AKDavis

    In response to comment 28 which read: “One might argue that 37% is far lower than the present day 50% but that argument doesn’t hold water when you look at it in a per capita view. That is, there are far more marriages today than there were in the 1940-50 era.”

    So what is your point? It’s a percentage of marriages! It doesn’t matter how many of them there are!

  • http://paperfrigate.blogspot.com DrPat

    It’s called “grasping at straws,” AK…

    [grumbles, ‘demmed lies and statistics…’]

  • Vic

    Responding to comment number 28 by DJ, whom I will presume is in either the field of sociology or women’s/gender studies:

    First, your per capita departure from your divorce percentages is an error. Are you claiming that more people as a percentage of the total population are married today than they were fifty years ago? While I am not a social scientist, such a claim strikes me as utterly ridiculous. In addition, the whole per capita concept is a way of compensating for population growth/reduction, but such compensation is achieved by the divorce percentages themselves. Yes, reflective of population growth, there are more marriages today than fifty years ago, which would most likely mean more divorces. But population growth cannot account for increased percentages of marriages ending in divorce. So contrary to what you claim, that argument to which you refer absolutely holds statistical water—it is yours that does not. Yours also holds no logical water either, for your reasoning would yield an eventual 100% divorce rate due to population growth alone, which is totally absurd.

    Now, for the purposes of argument and my relative unfamiliarity with your data, I will assume that your statistics are correct; besides, some of your points really make sense. I do believe that we as a society tend to have a rosier picture of previous decades than is warranted, and you point out how women’s options were fewer and more restricted in the past, hence why some of the divorces that happen today didn’t happen in the past—women are more able to leave, and they are less dependent on their husbands for survival.

    However, there are some conclusions that you draw that I think are more uncertain. You state that “…marriages weren’t more solid or happier in the 40’s-50’s.” In order for that to be true, marriages must have actually improved or been stagnant since then, and I find this hard to believe. In other words, had women’s options been less restricted to coincide with the greater independence that they experience today, then we’d discover that the divorce rate would be roughly the same; I highly doubt that as well. I do think the divorce rate would likely have been higher as more women would likely exit unhealthy relationships, but to assume that all of that difference in divorce rates between the two periods of time can be attributed to women’s lack of options in the past neglects the changes that attitudes towards marriage have undergone over time.

    Marriage, I believe, was taken far more seriously as a sacred commitment in the past than it is today. Take Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. Celebrity press is fawning over the possibility that they may or have already “hooked up”. Sure, some feel bad for Jennifer, but they gleefully wait to see whom she will hook up with. Not much mention is given to the fact that someone in the Pitt-Aniston marriage broke their vows. It’s all a big game oftentimes. The attitude is less about love and commitment than about personal satisfaction and convenience. In other words, when marriage gets difficult, a married couple is more likely to get divorced today than in the past, and again, not exclusively because women have more options to do today what they wished they could have done in the past—how about no-fault divorce?

    While some of your points on how feminism has impacted women (for the better) are salient, you betray disagreeable implicit points through some of your language. That you refer to it in the past tense when you mention how it “merely” gave women the option of non-domestic careers limits the breadth and scope of feminism. It didn’t merely expand women’s career options, nor did it merely seek to, and contrary to the past tense that you use, it is an ongoing project, quite distinct from what it was.

    The kind of feminism that gets the criticism from people on this page, I suspect, and especially from Dr. Laura herself, is the kind that says a woman should be able to have a full-time career while having children and being married—that women should be able to “have it all”; the kind that demeans thoughtfully chosen, stay-at-home motherhood; the kind that would seek to literally apply double standards to men and women (such as those applied to the rigorous physical requirements for firefighting jobs, for example.); the kind that posits that most heterosexual sex is rape. Some tradeoffs between dedication to career and dedication to family are not unreasonable. It is current feminism that often holds that such tradeoffs are unreasonable (or are evidence of patriarchal oppression), and that attracts criticism.

    To the extent that “old school” feminism sought to liberate women from arbitrarily limited options, it made valid contributions. To the extent that current feminism prescribes a correct path amongst the various options (such as career over motherhood), it oversteps is bounds. In fact, current feminism suggests that women should be able to walk multiple paths simultaneously, refusing to acknowledge the tradeoffs that women must make.

  • Vic

    Responding to comment number 28 by DJ, whom I will presume is in either the field of sociology or women’s/gender studies:

    First, your per capita departure from your divorce percentages is an error. Are you claiming that more people as a percentage of the total population are married today than they were fifty years ago? While I am not a social scientist, such a claim strikes me as utterly ridiculous. In addition, the whole per capita concept is a way of compensating for population growth/reduction, but such compensation is achieved by the divorce percentages themselves. Yes, reflective of population growth, there are more marriages today than fifty years ago, which would most likely mean more divorces. But population growth cannot account for increased percentages of marriages ending in divorce. So contrary to what you claim, that argument to which you refer absolutely holds statistical water—it is yours that does not. Yours also holds no logical water either, for your reasoning would yield an eventual 100% divorce rate due to population growth alone, which is totally absurd.

    Now, for the purposes of argument and my relative unfamiliarity with your data, I will assume that your statistics are correct; besides, some of your points really make sense. I do believe that we as a society tend to have a rosier picture of previous decades than is warranted, and you point out how women’s options were fewer and more restricted in the past, hence why some of the divorces that happen today didn’t happen in the past—women are more able to leave, and they are less dependent on their husbands for survival.

    However, there are some conclusions that you draw that I think are more uncertain. You state that “…marriages weren’t more solid or happier in the 40’s-50’s.” In order for that to be true, marriages must have actually improved or been stagnant since then, and I find this hard to believe. In other words, had women’s options been less restricted to coincide with the greater independence that they experience today, then we’d discover that the divorce rate would be roughly the same; I highly doubt that as well. I do think the divorce rate would likely have been higher as more women would likely exit unhealthy relationships, but to assume that all of that difference in divorce rates between the two periods of time can be attributed to women’s lack of options in the past neglects the changes that attitudes towards marriage have undergone over time.

    Marriage, I believe, was taken far more seriously as a sacred commitment in the past than it is today. Take Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. Celebrity press is fawning over the possibility that they may or have already “hooked up”. Sure, some feel bad for Jennifer, but they gleefully wait to see whom she will hook up with. Not much mention is given to the fact that someone in the Pitt-Aniston marriage broke their vows. It’s all a big game oftentimes. The attitude is less about love and commitment than about personal satisfaction and convenience. In other words, when marriage gets difficult, a married couple is more likely to get divorced today than in the past, and again, not exclusively because women have more options to do today what they wished they could have done in the past—how about no-fault divorce?

    While some of your points on how feminism has impacted women (for the better) are salient, you betray disagreeable implicit points through some of your language. That you refer to it in the past tense when you mention how it “merely” gave women the option of non-domestic careers limits the breadth and scope of feminism. It didn’t merely expand women’s career options, nor did it merely seek to, and contrary to the past tense that you use, it is an ongoing project, quite distinct from what it was.

    The kind of feminism that gets the criticism from people on this page, I suspect, and especially from Dr. Laura herself, is the kind that says a woman should be able to have a full-time career while having children and being married—that women should be able to “have it all”; the kind that demeans thoughtfully chosen, stay-at-home motherhood; the kind that would seek to literally apply double standards to men and women (such as those applied to the rigorous physical requirements for firefighting jobs, for example.); the kind that posits that most heterosexual sex is rape. Some tradeoffs between dedication to career and dedication to family are not unreasonable. It is current feminism that often holds that such tradeoffs are unreasonable (or are evidence of patriarchal oppression), and that attracts criticism.

    To the extent that “old school” feminism sought to liberate women from arbitrarily limited options, it made valid contributions. To the extent that current feminism prescribes a correct path amongst the various options (such as career over motherhood), it oversteps is bounds. In fact, feminism suggests that women should be able to walk multiple paths simultaneously, refusing to acknowledge the tradeoffs that women must make.

  • Vic

    Sorry about the nearly duplicate posts. My first one somehow got garbled up and had replaced various quotation marks, apostrophes, and semicolons with gibberish. If a site administrator wants to delete one of them, delete the first one.

  • http://www.iamcorrect.com Lono

    funny thing, I just did a piece on Dr Laura for my site a few days ago. Since it would seem to be the smallest post in recent history… I’ll post it in it’s entirety here. enjoy, and if you do stop over and read more:

    I’m worried about Dr. Laura

    I don’t listen to Dr. Laura, ok? I am totally above that, and find her messages almost universally partonizing. I mean, that is what I might have said if I listened occasionally which I totally don’t! Anyhow, I am worried about her.

    In the old days, Dr Laura would patiently listen to a caller. Then, after careful concern and forethought… she would explain that the problem is you are a terrible parent. After that, she would delineate why you were a bad parent. Make no mistake, the fault lies with you.

    I was cool with that, though… because it was her bit. People called in wanting some kind of spiritual lashing from the godmother of Christian based guilt and shame. Things have since changed. Now, when folks call in she pretty much cust them off immediately. About 30 seconds into each call, she gives this speech: I don’t know why you are still talking. You called me, remember. If you don’t want to hear what I think, just be quiet so others listening can listen to me. Are you done? No, ok, well we will have to put her on hold so I can explain to you that she was a bad parent. In fact, all of you are bad parents. Maybe if you spent more time with your kids than listening to talk radio, you wouldn’ be such a failure*

    * ok, I made that last part up. She just says you are a bad parent and you should quit school/job/life etc. I don’t mind her shallow judgemental rantings. That is her thing, everyone knows it. Let’s keep in mind though that this is the same woman who took photos of herself naken with the man she was cheating on her husband with. Remember that little gem?

    Long story short, I am just afraid she may have lost her tolerance for intolerance.

  • http://blogcritics.org/mt/tb/15089 Pat

    Dr. Laura has given us a great piece of work with this one. I disagree that women need to dumb down their speech. What women need to do is learn how TO GET TO THE POINT! Most woman reitterate things over and over (redundant and redundant).

    My advice is to speak directly to the issue in a clear concise and logical fashion. Stay away from the put-downs and superfluous information and you will have a happy man.

    Remember when it comes to communication, it is quality, not quantity that makes a man happy.

    Pat

  • J’s Opinion

    Its amazing to me that the coments over this book have spanned so great a time period and have evoked such passionate debate. One thing I would like to see is some vitals about the people posting ie. Age, gender (its not always obvious) years married, number of marriages, number of relationships, whether you have read any part of the book you are commenting on.

    I’m 34 years old, I am a male and have been married 10 years. I have two lovely children 6 and 3 years old. This is my first and only marriage and the woman I’m married to is my second lover, although I knew my share of women intimately before her.

    When I piched up Dr. Laura’s book and read it I cried. I’m no victim and I loath those who flaunt that status since it seems to grant these people so much unnecesary attention. I have willingly been apart of this marriage and have lived with my growing dissapointment throughout the marriage.

    Dr. Laura’s thoughts allowed me to take a step back and breath for a moment. I realized that while not all of the book aplied to me or women totally, it nailed the source of my pain dead on.

    About my wife and I we are social, attractive, outgoing, active and by the measure of all we know a solid couple. But as in all marriages there are issues. Most of which relate to her insecurities and innability to empathize with me. (this is ironic since she is regarded as an extremely empathetic person to all others). Of course I am not perfect and don’t mean to express that.

    I gave the book to my wife in desperation, frustration, fear and anger. You know what she did, she very nearly threw it in my face. You want to talk about power issues between men and women? She wouldn’t even read it. She claimed she was offended by it, yet she hadn’t even read it. Then argued that she couldn’t read it becasue she would worry that every little criticism in the book applied to her.

    She then went on a campaign to chastise me with each and every one of our couple friends at my gall for having done such a thing. She brought it up indirectly but in the end she came to the hot button: “Dr. Laura” everyone has an opinion on her and many I know see her negatively. If you ask me its because these people don’t want to be told what to do, much like spoiled teenage brats.

    My wife is a social person and when she feels threatened she circles her social waggons. All of her friends were shocked at me and completely supportive of her, in the end. This is how my wife works, she can’t help it and she won’t change. She is craven of power and control in this relationship as far as I’m concerned and frankly I’m tired of babysitting her.

    She should have read the book and you know I should have divorced her after she carried on about it the way she did. But what good comes out of divorce and is there any good that can be gained from a poor relationship? Interestingly I am being abused as a person and if I had stated: “is there any good that can come from an abusive relationship?” the question comes off quite differently, yet it is the same.

    I recently discoverd that I have another problem with my wife. You see I have grown to understand her insecurities and why she takes me for granted and I live with it. The thing that kept me going was that I’ve known this girl for half of my life 17 yrs (we met in H.S., married after college) and I trusted that while she had her faults that she was true to me, faithful to her vows. This meant something to me. As you may suspect I discoverd quite recently that she had fallen in love with a married man. A man her sister dated a decade ago. (I’ve got to laugh because that’s pretty funny and strange) they carried on some kind of affair and broke it of several months into it. Mutual guilt?
    For our 10th anniversary I planned a surprise trip to an exciting destination withouth the kids. The entire event wnt off without a hitch and I wined her dined her and presented her with several meaningful, thoughtful gifts on our trip. During the trip she said “I don’t deserve this.” one too many times and I realized that she had sliped.
    I looked into things and I found emails about this man, and a couple of others. I confronted her just days after our dream trip and she apologized but obfiscated and witheld information continually. Her final story was that yes she had had a “mental” affair with this man she had not slept with him or anyone else and that she was very sorry and ashamed for her selfishness.

    This occured 10 weeks ago and I still do not trust her. I am devastated by the lack of security I feel, and the sense that my trust in others could so quickly be shaken. She said: “I will spend a lifetime making this up to you.” and here we are 10 weeks later and its like nothing ever happened. That statement in itself leads me to believe there was more to this affair than she is willing to admit. I cannot suffer the indignity of this and will no longer continue in a marriage riddled by infidelity. I think she knows this and maybe thats why she is being dishonest with me.

    Bottom line. She should have read the book last October when I gave it to her. The affair happened in March 05′. Obviously she no happier in this marriage than I am so are we to become another sad statistic?

  • http://dsl.sbc.yahoo.com/ Becky

    re: comment # 28
    She seems to have the credentials and experience needed. From her website:

    EDUCATION

    BS, Biological Sciences, SUNY Stonybrook, Long Island, NY

    MS, M Phil, Ph.D. (Physiology), Columbia University (College of Physicians and Surgeons), NY

    Post-Doctoral Certification in Marriage, Family and Child Counseling, Human Relations Center, University of Southern California, Los Angeles

    Licensed Marriage, Family and Child Counselor (MFCC), California, formerly in private practice for 12 years

    Past member of the Biological Sciences faculty of the University of Southern California (five years) and the graduate Psychology faculty of Pepperdine University (eight years)

    UCLA and UC Irvine Extension course instructor

  • http://AlisaW. Alisa

    I highly respect and admire Dr. Laura and agree with her advice in her books, especially her beliefs in The Proper care and feeding of husbands. I have never in my life had my eyes opened up and my brain expanded so much by anyone other than her. I am 23 years old and have been in a serious relationship (marriage soon) with my boyfrien of over 2 years. In the beginning, I was mean, disrespectful rude and unloving. After listening to her and reading her books I have realized what a selfish B**ch I was acting like and changed. The results I have seen in my relationship are truly amazing. She has reminded me of my obligation to respect and love the person that I care for most. You really do make your own happiness. My boyfriend and I honor and respect one another and are happy to do anything for each other. I no longer resent him when I do something for him. I am so happy to do it because I love him so much! Sadly, the feminist movement has turned women into egotistical, self-serving, career-driven selfish idiotic jerks that have no concept of thinking outside themeselves. These days, women are on their “high-horses” of personal success and independence. It makes me sick. I am so happy not to be one of those women. I couldn’t be happier or more grateful, loving, caring, compassionate and positive than I am right now. I listen to Dr. Laura religiously and read her books over and over to instill her concepts into my head forever,without even having to think. The world is so messed up and she is the most level-headed person I have ever known of. Women need to give up the idea that they don’t need a man to be happy. Any normal person longs for love, commitment and companionship in their life. If you don’t, I say you’re messed up and/or in denial or stuck on your “independence high-horse”. The most powerful statement that sticks in my mind is one that I learned in the 2nd grade: The Golden Rule- “Do Unto others as you would have them do unto you.” This is what Dr. Laura is talking about. It’s about Having respect for your partner/spouse and treating them the exact way you wish to be treated. I can guarantee that if this is done, there will be an instant relief of tension and hostility. I know from experience. I am so grateful for Dr. Laura’s advice. I am a completely changed person and am happier than I have ever been. My outlook on life has done a turn-around for the good. Can the feminists honestly say they are truly happy with themselves and/or their marriages? Are they really happy in their careers? With the money they make? With the way they treat their husbands? With their hostility? With the sex they aren’t having? I think not.

  • http://cozmoses@yahoo.com coz

    I have‎’t read the book nor heard the radio program.. But I think the woman is at least making it simple for those of us that actually need to be told what to do.
    I kept a relationship for 11 years before marring my wife 4 years ago.
    Now I have a beautiful 3 month old boy. And all I feel is deep hurt and letdown by the person I fell for. The truth is that women are biologically and instinctually selfish. Their primary objective is to insure the well being of themselves and their children. Other than that, it’s all a show. Know matter what is said, you can’t change people. It’s up to us men to learn how to read into women and uncover what they are really like as apposed to falling endlessly in love with who we want to believe they are!
    The Muslims have a lot to say on this matter up to the point of what the women of heaven have to say to the women of earth when they abuse their husbands. I must admit I did find peace in that..

  • Leia

    I was loving and very supportive of my husband and I would have done anything for him,I gladly did things for him and I loved doing it because I loved him. But he never gave me that same respect. He walked all over me. A relationship works if you both can give and receive. He wanted things for himself but never wanted to do anything for me. No matter what I do for him it is never good enough. It could always be better. He is verbally abusive.
    I am not a slave and I will not destroy myself for him. If I become another statistic in a divorce then so be it. I will not live for another minute like this so someone can walk all over me like a doormat. I am a human being. I rather be alone then being subjected to his misery.

  • TomTu

    Well all I know is I was struggling in my marriage. I tried my hardest to be a good husband I work come home do whatever I can think to make my wife happy, and still I didn’t feel she understood me. I worked too hard to get her and she never had to work for me. She brushes my feelings aside as though they don’t matter and she’s tired of hearing about it. I was debating leaving her because I feel I don’t deserve to be treated this way and am tired of the pain. Then I heard about this book, My wife loves Dr. Laura.

    I am faithful I bring home a six figure income wife doesn’t have to work. But when I come home house isn’t clean, dinner isn’t made, she nags all day and never get any kind of special treatment unless it is my BDay or Valentines day. That is B*** S***! I bust my A** for up to 12 hours a day some days to make her life better, I don’t want to find another woman but I want more than a roommate I want a lover/friend.

    To all you women who say that Dr. Laura is unrealistic or put women in a submissive position; look at it this way. For a woman who is on track to losing the best thing that she’s ever had, this could save and secure her future.

    I bought this for my wife a year ago, and didn’t know how to give it to her without her feeling that I am saying she is the problem. She is a good woman, but just didn’t have a good example of what a husband needs from his wife. She’s reading now and about half way through, I think she is thinking about things. She’s even mentioned parts to me. I listened to the audio book twice while driving to work. Almost brought tears to my eyes as this is exactly what I am feeling but didn’t know how to express it to her.

    If you criticize the book I don’t think you have read it. She explains how WOMEN have the power in the relationship to keep the relationship healthy. If they just used their influence correctly. Now if the husband is abusive or crazy that is different, but most men just need to feel special and successful. If not they will look for someone else.

  • Lola

    The comments above (which I scanned quickly, so let me appologize if THIS comment doesn’t apply to you) seemed inflamitory and retaliative in nature. Over reactions, if you will. One tends to overstate ones point with this type of communication.
    I read the article; unlike most of you, I read the book. I have recomended the book to several women. I always warn them to keep an open mind and that Dr. Laura writes with a directness and authority which I applaude, but can be off putting to some.
    That is the percieved problem with her radio program. She is surgical in her technique to get to the point, gives precise advice and doesn’t waste time with ‘whiners’. I am not saying that these people don’t need help. There are plenty of talk radio and jerry springer type outlets for them, not to mention private therapy options.
    Dr. Laura has the right to screen and select the type of caller who will resonate with a wider audience. In this way, her advice will be benificial to the most listeners.
    No, I do not always agree with her advice.
    Give the book a chance. There is a lot of merit in it.

  • Liz

    Haven’t read the book but as an educated,divorced mother of two teenage boys that happens to listen to Dr. Laura on a regular basis I will say this…she may piss you off but she is more often than not right on! She doesn’t suffer stupidity or weakness ,but if you really pay attention she empowers women to succeed in their marriages and to get out when it is detrimental to them and their children. Yes there are days where she can be rather bitchy but quite honestly if you are really listening can you blame her? She has the guts to say what most people don’t want to hear…the truth! Get over it ladies, womens lib was the downfall of the family like it or not.

  • Brian

    I was very fortunate and married my best friend. I recall the times that we would go to a park on Samos in the morning and talk all day until the park closed at 10 p.m. It is very difficult to find such a person in this world.

    Mutual respect, forgiveness, and playfulness define a successful realtionship. Adopting a personna that makes you resonate with someone is neither shallow nor phoney. It is exactly what parents try to do.

    Male or female; husband, wife or significant other. No one likes to be put down, controlled by fiat, ignored, embarrassed, or neglected. This is simple to understand – and difficult to remember.

    When I was a kid, I thought that the Golden Rule was stupid – it was so obvious. Is it really so? Do we really practice the Golden Rule in our relationships? Most people don’t.

  • chrisser55

    It’s amazing to me that in this day and age, people still fight against what works. Contempt prior to investigation! I am a college educated, professional woman, who works a few hours a day, and stays at home to raise my 3 year old, and a new arrival due in a couple of months. While I’ll admit, when I got the book, I rolled my eyes–the suggestions REALLY work!! I am my husbands partner, not his BOSS–it’s NOT all about me–and I’ll tell you what–I’ll bet I’m a helluva lot happier than any angry feminist that has been bashing the book! I’ve lived the “other way” and I’ll take this way any day!!

  • pnco

    In response to Chrisser55. Good for you, if this works for you-go for it and make your family as strong as possible! However, don’t be so sure that your “college education and level ofprofessionalism” excludes you from waking up one day and realizing that all that feminine power that you’ve been exercizing to make sure that your husband basks in the sunshine of your love doesn’t come back to bite you. Beware ladies, men love this kind of thing and as soon as thay are comfortable and thriving, alot won’t even glance back to make sure you’re not drowning in the wake of thier success. This is very old school advice…it just doesn’t apply to all women or their situations.

  • jparker

    In response to pnco: “…excludes you from waking up one day and realizing that all that feminine power that you’ve been exercizing to make sure that your husband basks in the sunshine of your love doesn’t come back to bite you.”

    “Beware ladies, men love this kind of thing.”

    As if making a man happy is fundamentally wrong! Is it wrong for me to make my wife cry tears of joy? Should I maybe not treat her as well? Would that be better advice for me? WOULD THAT EVEN BE MARRIAGE?

    That’s exactly the kind of thinking that gets us into trouble. Marriage ceases to be a partnership, ceases to operate in cooperation, and everything devolves into a battle of the sexes: “Don’t give of yourselves, ladies. Everyone KNOWS you’ll never get any compensation. You will have regrets. Therefore, make damned sure your husband is emotionally and spiritually weak from a meager rationing of your love. Don’t expect him to give. He is a man after all. Just take what you want and give as little as possible in return. Don’t lower yourself in sacrifice to any other person, ever.”

    If you married a good man (not even a great man), he will show profound interest in his wife when he becomes a happy husband. He will find some way to feed the flame in your heart in order to keep his home-fires burning.

    In my case, finding creative ways to make her heart burst with joy will become his biggest hobby.

  • Myra

    The statistics of male violence against women make particularly grim reading. One in four women in the UK is a victim of domestic violence at some time, with two women a week being killed by their abusive partners or exes. What makes this yet more shocking is that, in 90% of cases, children are in the room when their father subjects their mother to either verbal or physical abuse, and usually both.”

  • Vanessa

    This whole idea that women should “give it up” even when they don’t feel like it bothers me. What kind of man is OK with treating their wife like that?

    My darling boyfriend of 2 years was born and raised in Southern Italy. He is fiery, manly, and horning most of the time. So, I asked him what he thought about the idea that as part of properly caring for her husband, and good wife should have sex, even when she is not in the mood. In his oh-so-adorable broken English he said: “What! Am I some kind of animal? That is disgusting. If you ever did that I would be so piss-off. If you are not in the mood then maybe I do something wrong.”

    There you have it Ladies and Gents. From a man who could have sex 3 times a day if I was willing but only gets it twice a week (with full enthusiasm). If I’m not in the mood, then maybe HE’S doing something wrong. Something for all of you under-sexed men to think about.

  • STM

    I agree with Vanessa … really, what’s the point of having sex with someone who doesn’t want to.

    Defeats the object of the exercise really, which should be: “Good time had by all”.

    Also, pretending to enjoy it, would, in my book, be tantamount to fraud and almost a breach of trust.

    Where would the honesty be in that? Shaky grounds for a relationship, I reckon.

  • amanda

    I agree with the principles in Dr. Laura’s book. It’s too bad that feminists can’t take more PRIDE in being WOMEN and all the attributes of FEMININITY instead of glorifying men by acting like them.

  • Fred

    It is a fact that only about 10% of couples know how to be happy in a relationship. Some by luck and some because they are best of friends to begin with.

    It appears from most of the comments, people can’t see the forest through the trees. Knowing what I know now, I chuckle at some of the negative comments stemming from ignorance of the intent of Dr Laura.

    It is easy to fall in love but it is work to stay in love. Most people think that romantic love will last and they do not have to work on their relationships. When relationships fail they assume they just picked the wrong person. This may be true in some cases, but in most they just don’t know how to stay in love. Unless you educate yourself and your partner, understanding their specific needs, your relationship is probably doomed.

    I have been married for 29 years and we stayed married more by luck and circumstance. A few years ago after our children were out of college and self-sufficient, I was very concerned about an “empty nest”. After researching the subject and following the advice of Dr. Willard Harley and Dr Laura I found a whole new world and this changed my marriage! We are now in that 10%!

    Do you know that women initiate 70% of divorces and the male is the last one to know.

    Try marriagebuilders.com to get the nuts and bolts of relationships, how they work and how they fail. You will find it fascinating and then you might understand Dr Laura.

  • Dee Dee

    I find being my husband’s wife very fulfilling, and no one would confuse me with a feminist. I listen to Dr. Laura’s show and I sometimes agree with her, but I don’t agree 100%. The same for this book. I work outside of my home part-time, and my husband has always been okay with it. I don’t always have time to cook – my husband is a terrific cook himself and our family enjoys his meals. Sometimes I’m too tired for sex, and he understands.

    Sometimes *he’s* too tired for sex, and I understand.

    Our marriage has always been one of give and take, and it’s worked well for 22 years now. No one cheats, no one abuses.

    Here’s what I find objectionable about Dr. Laura: I’m a survivor of domestic violence (against my mom, my brothers and myself by my father). Dr. Laura puts 100% of the responsibility for making a relationship work on the wife. My mom tried until the day my Dad died to make him happy. He still drank and became violent. Dr. Laura has, on her show, begun to blame women for the violence against them. According to her, women provoke violence and abuse because they are nags. Nothing could be farther from the truth in my situation, and I’m not alone.

    I take her advice with a grain of salt because, although I’m not a feminist, I recognize misogynism when I see it.

  • Whiskers

    Wow. The comments just go on and on about feminism this and sexism that. What I don’t understand is this:
    If you love your spouse why wouldn’t you WANT to make them feel happy, and successful and loved? Yes, it’s hard to overcome the selfishness we all feel, but if you think that the “sacrifice” of putting your spouse’s needs ahead of your own is too much, then don’t get married. Sometimes my spouse drives me nuts, but at the end of the day loving and being loved by that person is my privavlege, not some huge sacrifice.

  • Stephanie

    In response to Dee Dee, I believe that Dr. Laura has mentioned a few times (in this book in fact) that there are exceptions to these rules. Some men are just plain bad eggs, and cannot be dealt with. I have not listened to her show recently, but to think that she would say a woman would provoke violence from a man (especially in circumstances similar to your own, with substance abuse) is rather…outrageous, frankly. I believe that is squarely on the man’s shoulders.

    I agree with Dr. Laura that women probably do have a lot of influence of how the relationship will pan out, but of course, in any partnership, there has to be some give and take.

  • http://URL Cindy

    I must say that after reading the majority of these comments I am saddened by the fact that so many people have lost sight of the purpose of marriage. The two shall become one. There are so many opportunities in our life to be independent and I believe that whole-heartedly but when you enter marriage you have decided (both of you) to love honor and respect the other. EQUAL partnership different roles. Take pride in your role and create a balance that works for your family.

  • kew

    when you are taking care of your husband, you are taking care of both of you.

  • Frank

    If there are any women out there who agree with most of this book apart from the sex bit then would you like to go for a date it would help if you lived n the sw london area seen as im the boss…..lol…..
    Seriously though blog #60 is bang on and i totally agree with you Cindy.
    Cheers
    Frank

  • Mary

    Men and women should love and care for eachother, the title of the book should be proper care and feeding of a spouse. By human nature, we want to be thought of as needed, loved and cared for. Two people marry because they are in it to win it, they’re a team and as a team they should cheer eachother on.

  • brooke

    you are not responsible for the actions of your spouse… you cannot control the actions of your spouse either… part of having a harmonious marriage involves taking responsibility for your own actions and setting an example, behaving toward your spouse the way you want your spouse to behave toward you, doing what you believe is right and hoping they follow suit. wives are not slaves nor maids, and neither are men, but marriage should be a partnership, you shouldn’t compete with one another, you shouldn’t compare, and you shouldn’t rack up lists of all the things you’ve done and they haven’t. you should embrace your differences, accept them, work around them, make them work for you — instead of nagging and criticizing and holding back intimacy just because you’re angry. if we were meant to marry someone exactly like us in nature, there wouldn’t be such a stink about gay marriage. men and women are different for a reason but it’s not so that one can serve the other without respect.

  • Karl

    I totally agree with Mary (comment #63). Both parts of a marriage should take care of each other and not put the burden on only one part. That’s what makes relationships and marriages work.

    It’s really the one sided-ness of things that I don’t like about people like Laura Schlessinger. What she says applies to both sexes, not just the women. The specific arguments are perhaps different for the two sexes (generally speaking) but the bottom line is that either part need to care for the other.

  • Karl

    And I also believe that it’s totally ok to actually leave someone. Sometimes people actually change inte different persons over the years (!) and you may not be right for each other. I think it’s much better to leave someone than to keep living in something that just isn’t right for one partner (which means it’s really not right for the other partner either)

  • Lou

    I recently learned my husband of 16 years was having an affair. After I got over the shock and deep hurt, I began to ask myself what part I had played in that. I have been listening to Dr. Laura for several years and have heard her talk about this book, but I believed my husband loved me and our son so much he would put up with whatever I did. I avoided the book because it implied that I wasn’t really doing my part in making a good marriage. I was one of those wives who took her husband for granted, was not much interested in sex, and not very interested in what he had to say about things. Of course, he also played a part by saying mean or rude things sometimes, which made me more resentful and even less interested in him. We got into a viscious cycle. Finally, I wasn’t filling an emotional need, so he filled it elsewhere. Yes, there were other ways he could have handled that, but in the end, it took something like this to wake me up.

    I threw him out of the house for a while, but that just made both of us realize how deeply we did love each other. He’s back home now, after long painful hours of deep soul searching on both our parts, and our marriage is stronger and more loving than ever – from both sides. I will never go back to the way I was behaving. I intend to follow the advice of Dr. Laura and live happily ever after. At least I will know that I gave everything I had to my marriage.

  • S.A.M.

    I’ve been married for eight years and subscribe to the ideas of the Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. I’ve never heard any of Dr. Laura’s radio show and have only known her through her few tv appearances. It was through an indiscretion early this year that I came to know about this book at the insistence of a therapist.

    I gained so much insight to why I looked elsewhere for validation. If I wasn’t getting the love, the care, the proper feeding at home, why wouldn’t I look somewhere else? It’s basic really. If you’re hungry and there’s no food at home, you’re going to go out for something to eat. That happens if you’re a man or a woman.

    My dreams and aspirations were shot down, the way I expressed myself and the stories I’d tell were stifled, my self image destroyed. Words can really hurt.

    Then she wonders why I don’t tell her everything and open up. If everything I am about is diminished, why would I tell you more about them? My dreams and aspirations were stupid, the things I said were not “right”, my stories were repetetive, and who would go for me as ugly as I was. Stinging. And yet, when she gets hurt because I don’t include her I’m the one that’s wrong?

    Things are far from being fixed right now, but at least I know why I’ve turned away, thank you Dr. Laura.

    I love my wife. I always have and I still do. Everything I do is for her and my son (She barely lifts a finger at home. I work a full day then come home and I cook, I put our 5 year old to bed, I clean and take care of the dog and the yard and the garbage and the everyday upkeep of the home and any problems that arise. She works too and all I ask is that she manage our finances and the laundry.) It’s not about fair, I do those things for her so that she and my son don’t have to. Because, much like Dr. Laura says, its’ part of my proper care and feeding of my wife. I do them with no expectation because I love her and if it’s one less thing she has to do then maybe, just maybe she’ll show me the same appreciation. Now, I don’t know how much more of this I can take. I hope one day she’ll read this book and understand that while I love and cherish her, the things she has done to alienate me are the reasons why things are failing.

  • Cat

    S.A.M why don’t you give it to her. Stop hoping she’ll find it and show it to her. Not as a “hah! you’re wrong” kind of thing, just to show her how you feel.

  • A. L.

    I am a 20-year-old woman, in college, and engaged. A few years ago my fiance tried to get me to read this book. The whole idea of it made me so angry! I don’t like pushy talk show hosts telling me how to run my life. (Who would?)

    After reading everyone’s comments (although not the book), post #58 really sticks out to me. It just comes down to wanting to make the other person happy and being committed to that. My fiance is my best friend, and his happiness makes me happy. If any of my other friends were upset, and I could do something really simple to make their day, why wouldn’t I do it? Even when it isn’t that easy, I have noticed that trying to be less selfish (on both our parts) has really improved our friendship and our relationship.

    Also, I hate admitting it, but sometimes I do the stereotypical woman things, and enjoy being housewifey. At the same time, I wouldn’t want to be simplified to just that stereotype. Doing the opposite for my fiance (and probably for other men) is equally bad. He isn’t exactly like the Man Dr. Laura is thinking of, but why assume he is the polar opposite of that? I will probably not read Dr. Laura’s book because it sounds like she assumes everyone is completely one way or the other, but I like some of her ideas, so I will take those and run with them

  • kjjjjumi229

    Most feminists are that way because they are inept and have proven to be abject failures in their relationships with men. This is because they are too stuborn/proud/childish to accept the submissive team member role in the relationship. Modern society props up this dysfunctional approach to womanhood. You’ll find many many feminists out there on the street during the PRIDE festivals. This proves the point made above. I wonder, do they resent the submissive role in a perverted relationship as well?

  • B.M.

    I haven’t read this book yet, but I did spend the last hour reading all of the comments in this blog that have spannned the last couple of years. It is amazing that the blog is still going after all of this time.
    I am a 40 year old male who has been married for 20 years. I have 2 beautiful children and a wife who is my best friend. The problem is that more often than not that’s all she wants to be, if you know what I mean. Sex has become and is becoming almost non-existent for me, I’m talking once every couple of months, if I’m lucky!
    Now, I totally agree with those who have posted about women not havivg to have sex if they’re not in the mood. But, where does that leave me? I feel my wife doesn’t love me anymore and she is just using me. She doesn’t have a job outside the home and, as is the case with S.A.M. from posting #68, I do a lot arouynd the house to help out.
    I keep hoping that the situation will change and she’ll want to love me again some day but I don’t know how to tell her how I feel. This has been going on for about ten years now and I think the only reason I havn’t left is becuse of my love for my childeren and not wanting them to grow up in a broken home. I don’t fight with my wife and we get along well except for the above metioned problem. In fact the only fights we ever really have is about this which gets brougt up every once in a while when I just can’t take the isolation anymore. In the past few years it has gotten worse to the point whare she won’t even cuddle with me anymore, she claims I make her hot. Unfortunatly, not in the way I want. I could go on and on about my situation but you get the general idea. My youngest daughter will be 18 in a couple more years and I will probably divorce my wife at that point. It’s really too bad because I really do love her, but unfortunatly love ins’t all that it takes for a realtionshiip to work. I am willing to work with my wife to work things out but the fact of the matter is “I need a WIFE to work things out with.” I already have many friends but I don’t have to support them. Maybe I should just leave now a try to take my kids with me! To all the feminists out there Should I stop supporting my family just because I don’t feel like it? Don’t we all have things in life that we have to do that we don’t always want to, and many times don’t we find that what we made such a big deal out of, not wanting to do, turned out to be not as bad as we thought and sometimes we even find our selves enjoying ourselves. My point is that I do many things on a daily basis for my wife and family that I really don’t want to do. I do these things out of love and respect for them because I konw it will make their lives easier or more enjoyable. All I asking for is the same courtesy. Lastly, to comment to posting # 53, It’s easy to act all high and mighty about sex when your getting it on a regular basis, but I bet your boyfriends tune would change if you all of the sudden decided to cut him off for months at a time after you and he got married.

  • Daffodeal

    Ha I must be married to the only “female” male then.

    My husband due to his “stay at home and terrorize the kids” overbearing Mother has the “whore/madonna” complex, where its okay to have rabbit sex until you get married, cuz GOD FORBID you enjoy sex after marriages only whores do that mentality. This marriage is going down the tubes fast because I refuse to live my life in a sexless fucked up marriage like this one.

  • MKB

    hi – I have not read the book but I just read all the posts.

    please don’t get divorced until you look into taking a Retrouvaille session. If you are already divorced, look into it anyway….The link is:

    it saved my marriage. Well – our actions through the help of this class saved our marriage. It is sponsored by the Catholic church, but I am not catholic and anyone can go. and it’s donation only – no big fees for those who want help..

    I just had to post that, it’s been a blessing for us… I only happen to find out about via eaves-dropping!

    I plan to read this book. Right now I am reading “stop whining, start living.” I just finished “bad childhood, good life.” both have been excellent, the childhood one was invaluable.

  • jena

    well at least your all talking about it. if you love or hater her, she is raking in the bucks and many of you are posting on her site. please stop being whinny bitches and you guys won’t alone, stop takingyour ques from tv and yes many of you do and actually listen to someone else. orjust get divorced and never marry again. I am glad dr. laura at least has the gust to speak out. No wonder men are the way they are broken becuase of women like many of you. buy a dog then or get a plant at least they won’t talk back..

  • Rose

    There is nothing oppressive to making the man you love feel like a king. If he’s king, you get to be queen. I, for one, am ok with that.

  • Jules

    I’m surprised by how angry most of you women are. The divorce rate in this country is almost 50%. There is obviously something WRONG with how people are living their lives now. What is wrong with treating someone as you would like to be treated? Especially, when that someone is a man who you committed your life to. And what’s REALLY ridiculous is all these comments by women who are so offended at the thought of spreading their legs for their husbands. Women nowadays spread their legs for complete strangers all the time. It’s like the one-night-stand model is something that people STRIVE for. And yet, when the man you MARRIED wants sex NOW you’re offended. The saddest thing is that women perpetuate this broken marriage model… teaching their daughters to play the same role of overbearing wife. Notice how divorce rates skyrocketed after the feminist movement? And notice how angry feminists are? Oh and to really make you mad… I’m 23, blissfully married, Christian, didn’t live with my man before marriage AND no, we didn’t get married because I got pregnant. My husband and I are looking forward to the “old fashioned” way of life!!

  • B.M.

    Well I finally read this book and I must say that as with her other books Dr Laura is right on the money. I thank any of you that commented on my earlier post, I needed to vent, mainly because i don’t have any other avenue of stress relief. I am commeted to my family especially my two daughters and I don’t want to leave them, but I’m at the end of my rope and I am going crazy trying to remain faithful. I have had other offers from other women but have remained faithful up to this point. I wish i had a wife like Rose and Jules you two seem to understand the husband/wife relationship better than most women nowadays. My wife never had a problem paying attention to me before we married but everything changed once we had kids. I’m going to give my wife Dr. Lauras book soon but I know it is just going to make her mad which will in turn cut me off even longer than usual. I’m to the point now where I am tellig other males NEVER to marry because I wouldn’t EVER want anyone to have to suffer like this. The ways my life is now I actually look forward to death!! Pretty sad Ha!! Any men that are debating getting married I don’t have any advice for you except I hope your women is not misrepresenting herself to you or else you’ll be stuck in a situation like mine. If I leave I’m a bastard but if I stay I am forced to live a life of suffering

  • Pat

    Do any of you women, who always attack Dr. Laura, ever listen, or read any of her words, or do you just pull out the feminist handbook, and try to discredit her through trumped up allegations. Heaven forbid that we women should ever consider a mans feelings.

  • Ken

    I have been listening to Dr. Laura for about 6 years. I have not read her book. I do however feel a great resentment towards my wife. Frankly she has deballed me for the better part of our 18 year marriage. I am grateful to my wife for the beautiful children we have, I am grateful to my wife for the clean house we have. I am grateful to my wife for soo many things. But when it comes to “pleasing her man”, my wife doesn’t get it. She has never gotten it and frankly she will never get it. I have purchased, barnes and noble type books of guides to better lovemaking, she has not read – I threw it in the fireplace in disgust after watching it gain dust after 4 years, this was a decade ago. I have purchased sexy clothes, given a million backrubs and all I know is that I had sex with my highschool girlfriend 10x more in 3 years than I have had with my wife of 18 years. Do I live in pain and resentment? You bet. However, I have taken to going to church more, ignoring my wife’s uttering meaningless gibberish over nothing that is important nor that will impact our lives. Recognizing that we make our beds, my resentment goes away. As I watch what her folks are about, I am much more sympathetic towards my wife’s lack of concern for me – I dont think I have ever witnessed them kissing – EVER. So it goes without saying. People only change when they recognize a problem. My wife doesn’t have any problems, I do. Thank you Dr. Laura, we have a 17, 13 and 7 year old children – I aint going anywhere and have learned to live with my DUTY above my selfish/sexual needs. My wife has never implored a weekend getaway for just the two of us without our kids. My only problem for this whole situation is – what are we teaching our kids. In my conversations with my eldest son, who thank god has like no interest in being any girl’s boyfriend, I ask him to make certain that whoever he eventually courts loves him for him. Our children are really getting no instruction in a loving relationship from us, which to me is a sin we are manifesting to their futures. However, they dont do drugs, do well in school and are well liked by their classmates.

    As the end of the day, our relationship is about a power struggle and the problem my wife has is she doesnt get the concept of “who drew 1st blood”.

    When the day comes that my wife apologizes to me for the pain she has caused me, I will be so grateful. However, I can only keep going to church and pray that day will come.

    It amazes me how much POWER certain women have yet they cannot humble themselves to harnish it – to those women who get it and use it and keep all matters fluid, congratulations, for those of you who don’t, go suck down a bottle of wine with my wife and wallow in your self pity.

  • KRF

    I am 23 and recently married. I purchased this book before we got married because I wanted to do anything I could to ensure we have a happy marriage… unlike my parents who divorced when I was 4. I lived with my mom who never got re-married, so I have always felt like I got the short straw when it came to relationships and marriage. After all, I had never really seen a real healthy working marriage. But now, I see it as good and bad; sure I didn’t see a good example of a marriage, but I was also to young to remember my parents when they were married to remember what a ‘bad’ marriage was like. So I feel like I have a clean slate to work with for my marriage.

    When I read this book, I was amazed at how right on it was for me. I couldn’t relate to some of the things just because I haven’t experienced them yet, such as children, but I feel like I have the knowledge for when it does happen.

    I have spent the last hour or so reading the comments and I wanted to make a comment about the whole sex thing. I am a newlywed, so there isn’t much of a problem in this department. He is in the military and since we have been married, I have only seen him on the weekends because of his training schedule. I CHERISH that time with him more than anything. I can’t wait to see him and to be able to make love.

    However, I know there may be a time in the future, where the sex isn’t as often. I am not naive, I know that things won’t be the same as they are now. But, what Dr. Laura was trying to say (to those of you who obviously didn’t read it), was that if you give in to him even though you are not in the mood, that you will most likely end up being ‘in the mood’. I mean she isn’t talking about lying there like a dead fish. She said to make the effort and you will probably end up getting in to it even when you didn’t think you were ‘in the mood’.

    I think the reason why women so often are not ‘in the mood’ is because we tend to be worriers, and so our brains are always thinking about something and worrying about things, and that’s what makes us different from men, is that they can turn that off, so that doesn’t affect their ‘mood’. Even if they have a bad day, or are worried about something, or mad (even at you) they keep it separate, or even use sex as a means of release (excuse the pun).

    This kind of ties into the self fulfilling prophecy that we all learned in Psychology class.

    Here is the definition for a refresher:
    A self-fulfilling prophecy is a prediction that directly or indirectly causes itself to become true, by the very terms of the prophecy itself, due to positive feedback between belief and behavior.

    So, basically I think that if you just let go, and go with it and say, ‘I’m going to have a good time with my husband and make love.’ Then you WILL! You can’t tell me, that after a little foreplay that you are a little more in the mood. And if you aren’t, then you are probably just too angry and have some much deeper issues that need to be worked out.

    You know, some of you may complain that ‘oh he doesn’t make me feel beautiful, or special’, and that builds resentment for him, which probably doesn’t put you in the mood. So therefore you don’t want to have sex with him. Well DUH, doesn’t the fact that he wants to have sex with you at all say something. Quite frankly I would be worried if he didn’t. I can’t believe that you couldn’t see that as a positive thing. He is saying ‘Hey baby, I love you and think you are beautiful, let me show you.” Sure maybe you have some baby weight still, and wear sweat pants, but he doesn’t care about that. He still sees you as a beautiful person and wants to show you. That is his BEST way of showing you; it’s the way he knows better than anything. Also, if you don’t have sex with him, then he builds resentment for you, and you both have more resentment and it’s a never ending cycle.

    On a side note, life is soooo short. We haven’t been through a deployment together yet, but you are so lucky that your husband is even HOME to ‘nag’ you about sex. I can’t begin to imagine how hard it is going to be when I don’t even get to SEE my husband for 7 to 12 months. I’m sure I will come back on here and say how lucky you all are to have a husband that you even have the OPTION of making love with.

    You don’t know what you have till you’ve lost it. Just remember that ladies.

  • AdviceAdvocacy

    Oh puh-leeeeaze! Everything Dr. L has to say is nauseating. Why is it that women have to be doing the relational work all the time? How about instead of expecting a tired woman to have sex with you, help her to relax, unwind, be empathic, and see how quickly she gets turned on. And instead of competing with your children for her attention, take on an equally nurturing attitude towards the children and see how intensely she begins to feel turned on. It’s as if emotions, behaviors, and attitudes are all these disjointed disconnected phenomena.

  • wife

    Try some of her advise, it works…

  • wife

    I mean “advice”…

  • RP

    I’ve been married for 23 years and have read many of Dr. Laura’s books/listened to her on the radio. I’m a rejected/neglected/put on the backburner husband. Let me start by saying that I love my wife and am more attracted and committed to her now than I’ve ever been. We’ve raised and sent two beautiful children to college. She’s never wanted for anything – ever! She’s worked only because she wanted to – not because she had to in order to support a certain lifestyle. In fact, her pay goes into her “me account”. Since our kids were born, all of her energy, ideas, time went to being the greatest mother in the world and, as a consequence, completely forgot that she was a wife. Unfortunately, it is commonly presumed that if anything lacks in the marriage, point the finger at the husband. If there’s no sex, the husband isn’t “doing enough” to set the mood, make her feel appreciated, etc. If the wife has an affair, the husband simply wasn’t doing enough. You’d almost think that it’s the husband’s responsibility to create desire in his wife – that she doesn’t possess the ability to “desire” on her own. My compliments about her appearance (even after two kids and extra weight) are sarcastically rebuffed, flirting is rejected, if anything sexual does happen I’m the one to initiate it (and then, only after the “hard to get” games). I’ve never verbally abused her, never inappropiately touched her – in fact, she’d be the first to admit that she’s treated like a queen. It hurts tremendously to know that I’ve given (and continue to) everything within me to please, provide for, and protect my wife and family – only to be taken for granted in return. When a couple stand together at the altar, the most powerful gift exchanged is not the ring but the WORDS VOWED. Our promises are what establish and sustain the marriage relationship. Our words are the only constant when the marriage goes thru its seasons. What hurts most is that my wife doesn’t seem urgently interested in “wanting” change. I don’t want anything from a wife who didn’t WANT to give it to me (i.e sex, gifts, attention, etc). She’s taken the posture that now the kids are gone, she can adjust to becoming “older” (btw, we’re still in our early 40s). No more doing things for “fun”, no more spontaneity, and no more doing anything that doesn’t include the kids. As disgusting as it sounds, I’m beginning to understand why older men gravitate to younger women and vice-versa – its to “live again”. I fight with everthing within me to not become a member of that club. Here’s to hope.

  • B.M.

    I haven’t been on here in a while but I’m glad to see the posts are still continuing. I want to rply to posting 82. First of all if you don’t like Dr. Laura then why are you enen here? When we hear from people like you it’s like hearing an Atheist complain about God. If they don’t think He is real then why should it bother them that others do. As far as your “tired woman” comment I rhink you need to look at each situation before you judge everyone and put all men in the same basket. Many men do everything they can to please their wife only to be shot down when they want to be close to them. My wife doesn’t work outside the home and she only does, for the most part, what she wants during the day. I come home from work and usually make dinner and take over for her with our daughters who are now 16 and 12. So I don’t need to hear how tired she is because from the timwe I get home until I goto bed, I am taking care of the house and kids and she still cuts me off. Maybe some women have pigs for husbands but if you really read the posts here you will see that mosty of the men posting to this dite really care about their wives and families and choose to stay even though their sex lives are total shit. Maybe some of these women should really look at how they treat their “husbands” is effecting their marriage and children and quit worring about what they “don’t want to do” all the time. For me I might only lat until my youngest turns 18. I give RP a lot of credt for staying after his kids are grown.

  • Dionne

    My husband gave me this book a year ago. I read it through twice and felt terrible when I was done. Instead of feeling motivated, I felt insulted, humiliated and crushed. I had no idea my husband hated me so much until he used Dr. Laura’s words to tell me. Like many men who have posted here, turns out my husband also thought that more sex would solve everything. We have 2 small children and I didn’t want to divorce because of them. So, I thought I’d give the book’s recommendations a try. It’s difficult because it seems that if I ask my husband for something, I’m “nagging” but if he asks for something, he’s simply stating his needs. If I talk, I’m “chattering” but if he talks, he’s “sharing”. Anyway, I stopped turning him down for sex. He seems happier. Me? I’m miserable. I haven’t enjoyed sex for many months now because it’s become a job instead of a retreat. I figure that if HE feels I shouldn’t have to be in the mood to have sex, why should I feel any differently? I don’t talk to him much anymore for fear that he’ll accuse me of chattering. I’ve whittled my responses down to “yes, no, whatever you think/like/want” and that usually covers it. If he wants to go off for days, weeks or months with his friends, I don’t complain. (I’m actually less nervous when he’s not around). I don’t ask for any help with anything around the house for fear of being called a nag. I cry a lot, but I never let him catch me. I’d rather suffer alone than risk getting another “you’re not good enough” book thrown at me. On occasion, he’ll ask me how I’m feeling about him and the ‘progress’ we’re making, but I usually dodge the issue. If Dr. Laura has taught me nothing else, she’s taught me that MY feelings are insignificant. What is really funny about this is that he brags to everyone how happy we are and recommends Dr. Laura’s books to all his friends because “it’s done so much to help us have a happier marriage”. Well, HE is happier, that’s for sure.

    One good thing I can say about this book: at least it showed me how self-centered men really are and how little respect or affection they have for women. As hard as it has been, I will continue to sacrifice my self-esteem and dignity for the sake of my children. He is a good father and that’s the only reason I’m staying. My love for him died a little bit every day shortly after he gave me this book. I know now that I will never get those feelings of love back. When the children are old enough, I have every intention of filing for a divorce. I wonder how properly cared for and fed he will feel when I’m gone?

  • Tensigh

    For those who think Dr. Laura is “anti-woman”, let me explain how I see it:

    Dr. Laura = tries to help men and women communicate, and she understands men well

    Feminist = Men are all pigs, scum, predators, oppressors and rapists. They must be ostracized, feared, hated and if possible, avoided.

    You tell me who has it right?

  • Siren

    To Tensigh: Dr. Laura doesn’t have it right and neither do you. She understands men well but doesn’t seem to understand women at all. A true feminist simply wants to see women receive the same opportunities in life as men do. Why is that wrong? It doesn’t mean they hate men. Laura doesn’t want men and women to “communicate”. In fact, she tells women to shut their mouths because they talk too much. Laura wants women to act submissive and subordinate to their husbands. In her world, men rule and women don’t matter. I even read in her book where she said that women, if not for their husbands, would be “a sorry excuse for a human being”. Isn’t that nice? How would men like it if we handed them a book telling them what brutes they are and how they should stop watching sports, hanging with their friends and expecting sex all the time? No self respecting man would read it. And no self respecting woman should read Laura’s trash, either.

  • a young feminist

    Men: if you are interested in a woman who will treat you as an individual human being with emotions and wants and also respect herself and be your partner and equal, not to mention contribute in all areas of your relationship such as sex, parenting, and income…I have a suprise for you. You want a FEMINIST. You may think feminist is a dirty word but I challenge you to look beyond what people say and find out for yourself what a real feminist is like…you will probably become one yourself.

  • B.M.

    Dionne,
    I.m sorry for your situation and I do feel for you it sounds to me like we will both be divirced when our kids our 18. I know your situation but from the reverse. I don’t need or want a wife who says yes all the time but I don’t want one who tells me NO all the time either. You say that since you don’t say no anymore your love for your husband has been dying a little at a time. Well for me it happens that my love for her fades everytime she tells me NO consistantly. She will make me go months at a time and then makes me feel bad for asking. Everyones situation is different and Dionne, I give you credit for at least trying. My wife won’t even talk about our problems. You need to discuss the situation with your husband if there is any chance for you top have any future otherwise you will end up bitter and divorced as I will be some day. Your husband is lucky to have you because at least you are willing to work on your relationship. If he really loves you he will listen and be willing to meet you half way.

  • B.M.

    Maybe people juust shouldn’t marry if they don’t have sex drives that are close to one another. Because it always seems that the person with the higher sex drive ends up losing out to the person with the lower drive. Tyhe big problem is that most couples won’t discuss this area before they get married. Everyone out there needs to remember that when you say “I Do” to someone you giving up eveyone else for that person. So if you have a high sex drive and your partner doesn’t the situation really gets shitter and shitter as the years go by because your sex drive, as well as your partners usually drops. For someone who doesn’t have a huge interest in sex in the first place this can cause their partner to feel like they have been abandoned, for me I felt unlove when my wife first started or should I say stopped. The worst part is that you are expected to treat your partner the same as when they were more interested. By the way If any guys believe the myth that women reach their seual peek at 30 and it will get better, your dreaming if your waiting for her to become more interested in you. Now this situation can definately go both ways meaning it can be a man or women with a low sex drive. What these people need to realize is that for a person with a higher sex drive your rejections are killing your partner inside and at the same time slowly killing your marriage and causing major hurt feelings. I don’t know about everyone else on this blog but for me everytime my wife tells me NO a little bit of the person she married dies. I know your saying don’t ask so much. Well in the past 5 years I have peobably only asked her about 10 to 15 times at the most and been turned down at least 90% of the time. In the last year I’ve asked her twice and been turned down both times. If there are any A sexual people reading this blog and you can explain to me why it is ok for me to suffer becuse she doesn’t like sex as much as I do? Why am I supposed to remain faithful when sex doesn’t matter to her. If she really doesn’t care then why can’t i go find someone else who will make me feel loved if she won’t. I provide what she needs and a lot of the things she wants and yet if I am driven to cheat or divorce this woman then I will be the bastard and she will make everyone think I left or cheated on her for no good reason. This is not the type of thing you can dicuss with other people when they ask, “What Happened?” Most people I know don’t want to discuss their sexual disatifaction with other people besides their partner and when your crys for help fall on deaf ears it really does cause a great a mount of resentment.

  • Michele

    Relationships – ALL relationships contain an element of manipulation. We ALL act…in order to get a RE-action which reinforces our needs or concepts of our needs (subconsciously).
    IF – your need is to be loved and respected by your husband, try the 10 ideas! If your need is to be a man, and not a woman (equal is NOT the same) then keep on doing what you are doing and expect different results (the definition of insanity)

  • JC

    I was just with a feminist and our relationship ended. I hope somewhere, somehow someone gives her this book – and I hope she gets past the anger she is likely to have to ingest and process the content. It is all about grey thinking and that is the most powerful place to be.

    To some of the posters: you see things in black and white. You will know who you are. Although it is comfortable to project, it is defeating all the same.

    As for the people that are wallowing in misery – communicate clearly and with respect and compassion. That is your responsibility – to yourself and your partner (and especially on behalf of your children!!)

    I was in a 10 year marriage that ended in an affair – hers. We both did things wrong, of that there is no doubt. Our basic needs were not being met and the spiral that ensued was devastating to the union that we had. It was also devastating to our then 6 and 3 year old kids. I have learned a lot about me and relationships since then.

    It was my fault for not meeting my wife’s needs. I feel short of my responsibility to CHOOSE the right thing and to DO. To CHOOSE and to DO are the only things that each of us has the power to control.

    Please accept this as my opinion:

    Yes, good partners do things for each other because they Love (action) the other… even in times where it might not be exactly in alignment with the way they think at a given moment. They do so because they understand the BIG PICTURE is to honor a commitment they made to another person. They honor their personal responsibilities.

    It takes both partners to share in the RESPONSIBILITY of turning around and reaching out to your partner when backs face each other. This is a powerful move, not a weak one. It takes courage and strong character to show the soft side and re-engage the one that you supposedly Love. The catch is that you have to allow time for the other to process their feelings. Feelings do not turn off like a switch.

    The person I just left has significant issues. She cannot get past herself and her own needs. It was as if I had to fit into her life’s plans rather than living to a concept of what would represent “our” plan. There is no way, albeit there was a great deal of compatibility in substantive things that we could have had the kind of relationship where we’d be happy. Only one of us had made a COMMITMENT to THE OTHER.

    Final note is to define “happiness” as I see it. I get happiness from doing the right things (as I define them.) I get happiness from doing things for others that will bring them joy, peace or contentment. I am all ready happy with who and what I am so I can concentrate on others. Having two beautiful children has taught me this most important lesson of life. You need to love or be happy with yourself so that you can Love and be happy giving to others. If you are not happy with yourself, you will continuously focus on self in search of the salve that may never come. That is OK as I see it… just do not drag another through your issues for their sake.

    I am glad that I am away from the independent woman (who refused to meet my needs in the face of all that I did to show her love and meet her stated needs.) I am looking for the interdependent woman who wants to be the best individual and partner that she can be. :-)

    self……………………individual consciousness
    self centered…….focused upon ones own interests
    self serving……….advancing ones own interests
    self willed………….tenacious adherence to ones own interests
    self doubt………….questioning ones direction
    self judgment…….evaluation ones direction
    self pity…………….seeing ones lack of concern for others
    self evaluation…..determining ones worth
    self mastery………removing ego from all decisions
    self less……………our primary concern is our effect upon others
    self…………………..group consciousness

  • DM

    JC….

    Good post and I think most would agree with your “definitions”. However, you may want to keep in mind that there are MILLIONS of self-centered, inconsiderate, self-serving, judgmental people in the world who are NOT feminists. Being a feminist does not automatically make someone completely self-indulgent. It’s like saying that because a beagle is a dog, all dogs are beagles…know what I mean? Some of the world’s most altruistic folks are feminists and many of them are MEN!
    I think the problem is that men and women tend to use the words ‘feminist’ , ‘feminazi’ and ‘feminista’ when referring to ANY woman who is capable of taking care of herself without being dependent on a man for her well being. (I’m not implying that YOU fall into this category…) Or, they’ll use it to describe any woman that is selfish, inconsiderate, etc. That is, when they’re not using the word ‘bitch’ to describe her…

    Feminism is about no more than equal opportunities and equal rights, JC. It is about a woman being given every right to make her own decisions about marriage, having children, getting an education and/or pursuing a career without having to get a man’s permission first. It means that she should get the same pay that a man does for doing the same job. It means that the burden of social morality should not rest on HER shoulders alone and that women shouldn’t be the only ones responsible for setting the moral compass of the country.

    Believe me, plenty of people are egocentric and selfish regardless of their stance on women’s issues. ;)

  • JC

    DM.

    I re-read my post and did not see anywhere where I made a connection between feminism (or being a feminist) and necessarily being selfish.

    You define feminism one way. It is not the only way that it is defined for others. This is the difference with black and white thinking and grey thinking. I happened to be in a relationship with a feminist that took the victim side of the feminist movement. All she could talk about was how women are disadvantaged… I disagreed with her and she got MAD. She was espousing her opinion to a man that was told day one of my custody battle that “winning” even 50% custody of my children was going to be a significantly uphill battle. Guess what? I have 50% custody after 2 years and more than 40,000 spend in legal fees… not to mention the emotional turmoil my children and I were put through. Incidentially, their Mom has called for another custody evaluation less than a year after the last one ended!!!

    Therefore you speak of equal this and that and, like my las gf. It appears though that there is an ignorance to the fact that there is a far greater SUPERSET of information to consider than the SUBSET that some feminists focus on. Therefore, it seems to prove a point, you perhaps missed my point. My main point was that in a relationship and in life, to CHOOSE and to DO is all that we can control.

    My post was about relationships and how I see, in a very general sense, two people need to CHOOSE and to DO things in order to properly feed and care for the relationship. Both the man and woman are RESPONSIBLE for honoring the COMMITMENT they made to ANOTHER person. In some cases, that means doing what you do not thihk you want to do because it is the RIGHT thing to do.

    There were nights I did not feel like cuddling (showing affection to) my mate because I was upset at her behavior. I made a CHOICE to cuddle her because it was a CHOICE to DO something that showed her Love.

    I do not profess to be right, I only profess that I have an opinion. My opinion is grounded by the last paragraph and the delineation of “self” as depicted at the very end of my previous post. Nothing more, nothing less.

    BTW… I do agree whole heartedly with several points you make: I wish all walks of life should be able to walk side by side in equality. It is an aspiration that I do believe humankind is wiggling ever so slowly toward. It will take great compassion, resolve, selfishness and ultimately self-lessness to get there! (just another of my opinions :-))

  • DM

    JC: Well, going back to your original post, your first statement was: “I was just with a feminist and our relationship ended. I hope somewhere, somehow someone gives her this book and I hope she gets past the anger she is likely to have to ingest and process the content. ” So, if you weren’t making a connection between feminism and selfishness, why did you feel the need to point out that your ex was a feminist? You could have taken that word out and the statement would still have stood on solid ground, yes?

    With respect to the pain and suffering of your custody battle, believe me, you’ll not find many stronger advocates of father’s rights than I. I believe in equality across the board and I’ve personally witnessed way too many a good father being trashed and trampled by court systems that still embrace the antiquated notion that the mother is the more significant parent by virtue of noting else than her gender. In fact, I maintain that if our courts would grant more equal rights to men, there is a good chance that the divorce rate would go down. It is always in the best interest of the child to have equal exposure and quality time with BOTH parents, unless of course, one of those parents presents a potential threat to the child/children’s welfare.

    I agree with the notion of CHOOSE and DO. Where I disagree with Laura Schlessinger is the notion that these actions are the responsibility of the wife alone. That is why I don’t recommend that any man give this book to a woman UNLESS he:

    1. reads it cover to cover himself
    2. predicates his presentation of the book to his wife/girlfriend with the promise that he is not trying to mold her into a submissive dormat

    3. offers to have a healthy dialogue, not only about what his wife has gleaned from the book, but about what HE can do to make her happier as well.

    4. listen to what she asks for and then carry through. Choose and Do what would make her happy.

    In summary, I think you and I agree more than we disagree. As for seeing things as ‘black and white’, consider that you may be just as guilty. I can certainly understand how a messy divorce and custody battle coupled with a relationship with a woman who sounds like she was pretty self-centered could sully your view on feminism. There is only one way to define feminism and that is in the way that I defined it. That is not to say that everyone lives within the parameters of that definition. But, those who do pose no threat to men and are no more self serving than anyone else.

    At any rate, I do hope that(and I’m sure you will) find the right partner who will respect, admire and appreciate you for who you are. Feminist or not, that’s something we all look and hope for.

  • JC

    This is a book written to speak to women and the things women can do to make their spouse happy and it is postulated by extension likely, their marriage.

    There are books simialrly written for men to take similar but female specific content under advisement. There are also books that attempt to address both genders at the same time. Not to leave anyone out, there are books for homosexual partners too!

    This book is a good book in my humble opinion in what it attempts to convey. It is direct and has excellent content that any and every woman looking to do their best (which is all healthy people can aspire to do) can learn from – if not in total, at least in part.

    If women do not think the content of the book is relevant or proper, that is clearly fine. Opinions are individual by definition. I am a man and generally speaking, I can tell you that the content is spot on advice not only specifically for a partner of mine but it is highly likely that it will work for partners of a large set of men. It is then a choice to look at the advice being given and decide whether one might employ it in an attempt to have the best relationship possible or forge one’s own path and find another recipe that yields the same.

    Surely all agree the best possible outcome is to be in the best possible relationship (assuming a long-term committed relationship is what any potential reader is seeking.)

    If a man is not holding up his end of the bargain related to his partner’s expectations, assuming they are healthy, that is an honest discussion that she must have with him.

    In my case, the woman was so engulfed by her selfishness and feministic ideals that she could not see the VALUE(S) that were right in front of her.

    It is not possible to change anyone – that is an individual responsibility. I hope the women that are presented with this book and those that might find it themselves will take heart. From a (generally speaking) man’s perspective… its good stuff!

  • DM

    JC…

    I would caution you or any guy to read Dionne’s post before considering ever giving Schlessinger’s book to a future wife or girlfriend. While you may find the advice to women to be ‘spot on’ , it would appear that not every woman’s experience with the advice turns out that way…

    I think one of the most moving of Dionne’s comments for me was, “I’d rather suffer alone than risk getting another “you’re not good enough” book thrown at me.”

    I’m no fan of Schlessinger’s for a plethora of reasons; the greatest one being that she is one of the hugest hypocrites on the planet. That aside, I think it’s wise to recognize that what is good for the goose isn’t always good for the gander. And, as a result, isn’t always good for BOTH partners in a relationship. But then, I’ve never believed that burdening one partner with the lions share of the work toward creating a happy relationship ever is.

  • JC

    It is one’s CHOICE to DECIDE for themselves how to process and THINK and FEEL about information they take in. As is evidenced by the variability of responses from various women’s comments preceeding this one, many look at the information with optimistic resolve. Some put the advice into action and reported good results…

    Dionne sounds/ed like a very troubled soul and I feel badly for people with that condition. I hope she is getting or got the help and support she needs/ed to be able to believe in herself and is or might become happy. That however should not disuade anyone from trying to learn how to be a better mate nor should it stop a mate that is unhappy and unfulfilled from trying to clearly communicate (yes with a book if necessary) that their needs are not being met.

    One thing I do think is important is to ensure that whatever communicating is done (including “presenting this book”,) that it be done in a respectful and compassionate manner.

    To DM specifically: you might consider removing the negative tie that appears to exist for you between the author and content… and just look at the content. Whether that makes a difference or not is yours to determine. As I said, if a woman wants to make a man happy, this is good content (in my case and generally speaking) for women to at least consider.

  • DM

    JC:

    You think Dionne is a ‘troubled soul” with a ‘condition”? Did you read her post?? She’s read this book, (per her husband’s request) is doing what exactly what it says (on behalf of her children)and it sounds like the marriage is happier for her husband but much more miserable for her; so much so that she’s waiting to divorce as soon as the kids are grown! I would hardly call that a successful resolution. What condition is it that you think she is suffering with?

    Meanwhile, JC, I’m genuinely interested to know which of Schlessinger’s points ring truest for you, based on your break up. If you could have gotten your ex to comply with just 3 of Schlessinger’s mandates, which ones do you think might have made a difference in saving the relationship?

    That is, if you don’t mind discussing it. If so, my apologies…

  • JC

    Her condition is this: needing to be able to “believe in herself.” That is to stick up for her own needs and communicate in a way that is solution focused. Remember, a “solution” can mean many things. The good news for her, it seems they are half-way there. Her husband is happy… they now need to travel the road of ensuring the other half is properly fed and cared for…

    In that spirit:

    In every post I have stated that it is the job of both partners to meet each other’s needs and some wants would be nice too! Where needs are not being met, one or both partners have to communicate that and the other is responsible for rising to the occasion if the relationship is to not only be saved, but become the best it can be.

    Regarding my personal situation, that is somewhat personal. Take a look at my posts and you might be able to gleen the information requested. In fact, if you can find 3 things on your own, you might just discover things you find value in for your own relationships!

    I admit that I have not mentioned mine (that I have taken a hard look at) but mine are not the subject of this book. :-)

    I was not interested really in having a personal discussion and just wanted to leave my thoughts and opinions for general consumption; however, thank you DM for interacting on a more personal level. I love listening to others(!) Sometimes new input changes my overall perspective, sometimes not. In this case, I do believe this is a good resource for women who are interested in living up to their responsibilities in what can be a great relationship… I hope for all women that their man will do the same!!

  • DM

    Well, thanks JC for responding. Hope you understand it was not my intention to be intrusive; just thought you might want to share some aspects but I certainly respect your privacy.

    Meanwhile, best of luck to you!

  • Sarah

    Can no one see the humor in this woman’s writing? This is great coffee table stuff.

  • MAN

    you women sound very UNhappy! WTF…ever!

  • Robot wife

    Welcome to Stepford………

  • tew

    BHW: 378 words. Enough said.

  • Ramachandran

    This is from a South Indian Tamil Brahamin family. I am aged 60, married for 28 years with two boys aged 27 and 25. All these year from my birth to till date myself and my wife living happily as there is no ego with each other. On several occasions we fought with each other and when the bringing up of children we join hands. If any film producer wish to take my life as film, I am ready to tell this story.
    iyerindianr(at)gamil(dot)com

  • CNG

    I think it is a lovely thing to take care of the man you love. Raise the children you had together and build a happy home. I would never say that a woman should stay with a man if she doesn’t love him or if he is abusive, and I don’t think Dr. Laura would say that either. But as long as you are in love why would you not want to take care of the person you love? show them that you want them to be happy? that doesn’t always mean doing the dishes and making supper. It depends on the relationship dynamic. Some relationships there is equal workload or maybe even the man does many house chores. In my house I stay at home while my husband works. My job is to take care of the baby, clean the house, cook the meals, and take care of my husband when he gets home. how is that different than any other job? it doesn’t mean that he is cold and indifferent or that he expects everything to sparkle when he gets home, nor does he expect a four course meal. We have an understanding, he knows the baby will come first he will come second and the house third. I would feel very sorry for the woman that feels the need to belittle her man and nag at him, make him feel like he doesn’t mean anything. So so sad. especially when in a position where the man is providing for you financially. Again if it is a bad marriage then there is no reason to stay with a man who doesn’t love you or appreciate you. I just think that no one should go off the handle about these marriage pointers, I think it is wonderful and a refreshing return to old values. Its not for everyone, but neither is chocolate, but I don’t hear about anyone freaking out about chocolate being sold in every store everywhere. If you don’t like it don’t eat it or don’t watch or read or whatever.

  • Whatmattersmost

    Personal dignity can be ignored by a man whose sex drive remains in adolesscence. Sadly some men who have trampled in the spouses personal space by prodding her for sex and accusing her of infidelity when she can’t accommodate him without feeling raped afterward. A man who insists on sex with enthusiasm while threatening abandonment whenever she fails to live up to his expectations. A woman who remains with such a man deserves understanding not judgement. She loves her husband and children and is unwilling to break up the family over lack of sexual synchronicity. The husband who is willing to break up he family over this issue doesn’t love his wife fully, he loves the way she makes him feel in he bedroom. Very mature.

  • tw

    Wow. Looking at the first comments here. Bitter much? That’s why your husband cheated on you and why you and Big Shirley are now the lesbian couple you are. Nothing wrong with it except that you decided to waste a man’s time by entering into a relationship you had no interest in participating in. Its so interesting that men just have to be wrong about wanting to have a mate who wants him and craves his attention. That’s all there is ladies. Really wanting your man’s attention and truly desiring him is the road to happiness. We will do anything for someone who gives us that. That’s what makes a great relationship. We will only fight for that simple desire so much before we seek it elsewhere. If you aren’t with the person you want all the time and crave then you deserve to be the bitter shrew you are. It is your own doing and you are volume testing to be unhappy. Want proof? Read your own post. Would you date you or does it appear you are just one big cup of crazy? I bet your replies will just prove my point.

  • RC

    Why is it we spend our lives looking for “the one” and when we find them and marry them, we turn on them? That makes no sense. If you love someone you should try to give them your best and hopefully they will also want to do the same. We must be prepared for things not to be perfect. That is reality. However, we owe it to ourselves and those we love to extend our efforts so that we make our loved ones a top priority in our lives.

  • zaden33

    men like being men and women like being women! Ok time to define gender roles!!
    anyways, is anybody allowed to say something is a fact anymore? do we always have to follow an observation with “in my opinion” “based on my experience” “with some exception”. Good for us we have acknowledged the fact that not everything is 100% absolute, especially when speaking about people. Can we all now have a conversation or debate without being afraid of saying the wrong thing?
    I will start: women should raise children, men should provide as best they can, everyone should respect each other in the family, family time is the most important time, believe in love and work hard to hold onto it. oh and fuck feminists its not always about you.

  • Darwin

    I am in a relationship with a woman from Ukraine, and reading through some of these comments has made me realise that I am so glad that I went that route. I have not read the book, just some of the samples that I have found online, and everything I have read, I see in her. I have gone to visit her twice and every time she expresses her happiness about doing things for me, even without my asking for them. That’s the exact thing I was looking for. A relationship where both people consider each others emotions and feelings. I also do a lot for her as well. It’s a partnership. Not a one way gimme type of relationship.

    I am seriously considering taking her a copy of the book next time so she can read it. I’m sure she will agree with everything in it.

    Those who criticize Dr. Laura just don’t like someone who isn’t going to pander to someone’s feelings and tell them “There, there, it’s going to be okay!”, she goes for the jugular and tells them if they want something, they are going to have to take responsibility for getting it. If people don’t like it, tough! She doesn’t treat people like the babies they are making themselves out to be.

    Quite honestly, I’m disgusted with people who seem to think everything in a relationship is all about them, them, them. It is about us, us, us.

    By the way, there is a disclaimer of sorts in her book. If both parties are blatantly destructive or evil, this book will not work. I would assume that even if one person is not willing to budge, then there is no point.

  • Jo Sherie

    I can’t stand that she would go so low as to tell us how to be better servants to our husbands and go out of her way to say she will make no effort for the husband’s to understand the wives. Really? Because it’s so important for me to bow down as soon as he walks through the door, after a day at school and taking care of two kids by myself, but he comes home and doesn’t have to talk to me? Appreciate me? Love me? What about respecting each other? I’m a stay at home mom and wife to a soldier. I may have a lot of “power” but only because if he’s not here to do it, I have to do it myself! A “thank you” would go along way with a lot of women. Too may women look up to advice like this but all it’s doing is telling women they are below men. They are to do nothing but serve their husbands without any need filling of their own. Without any appreciation and with complete neglect for their own basic needs to be loved and fulfilled by their husbands. WTG Dr Laura, you’ve just made every already insecure wife and mother that much more so by saying “Quite bitching and get back to work. He’s not done yet.” Lovely!

  • Alpha Male

    Let’s not forget that traditional gender roles evolved over millions of years.

    Men and women are of equal importance, but they have NOT ever been the same. It is okay to observe, recognize, and celebrate the differences.

    Men are supposed to be dominant and women submissive.

    Do not make a false assumption in thinking that one is better than the other. NO! It is the BALANCE of the yin and the yang that create harmony.

    The Hammer dominates the nail, but without a nail a Hammer is useless.

  • Alannah

    Another of my faves about this article is the suggestion that both men and women are required to produce a functional child.

    What about gay/lesbian/single parents?

    Yup, nice to know that equality matters… sheesh!

  • Dude

    Men are simple in that any man would almost too willingly believe in anything that pleases him. Therefore if you please him you are likely to be a huge influence on all his descision making. And he would mostly do as you say. This is a very standard theory sort of an ideal scenario of what it would take for both sides to balance eachother in perfect harmony. Of course realitu shows a different thing as in both sides selfishness usually destroys it when it comes from either partner. Relationships are 100/100% not 50/50 as most ppl would say you dont give 50% of yourself you give 100.

  • J Daniels

    “we all know sex sells, you’re ignorant if you think otherwise. ”

    Seriously? In a marriage? Sorry but I ain’t “selling” anything, I am NOT a porstitue I am a wife and expect (and demand) to be treated with respect to MY feelings. Your version of using sex to manipulate a husband is offensive and relegates a wife to be valued no more than a prostitute.

  • Shawnette Nielson

    Wonderful article! I love Dr. Laura and know through my own experience as well as many others that her advice is sage and worth following – even if it is not politically correct. :)

  • Moselaine Elan

    Very insightful.

  • mswaby

    I was thinking the same as the last comment…VERY INSIGHTFUL…I am particularly struck by the first note on Men Needing Woman. I had no idea I had that much power and influence and find the notion extremely empowering. I will be reading this book. I am grateful for your thoughtfulness in preparing this post.

  • “feminist”

    This is sexist bullshit. Disgusting.

    • Stephen Manning

      ROTFLMAO. Another example of feminist “thinking.”

    • D.W.

      Feminism is paradoxical – and reduces each sex to its most childlike foundation – the male attempts to assert his superiority by his physical stature and strength – while he knows deep down that he is from woman, to woman, and at his most valuable- in service of woman! Even the desire itself, to prove he is the greater power, is to admit he is as jealous of her womb as he is inferior and replaceable – yet he yearns for her approval, love, and that motherly protection and nurturance as much as a newborn infant. If “Feminists” could just realize they need only show up to the battle to win the war, perhaps we could all move on toward a deeper understanding of how to love and build each other up, rather than wasting time on assertions of dominance.

  • thundermoon

    I would also consider myself a feminist, but I’m also a student of the cosmos…for lack of a better word…and I found this to be very accurate. I’ve been married for two years “officially” but my husband and I have been together for 7 years. I can honestly say we’ve been through it ALL, and very recently we’ve settled into a groove, finally at 25 & 27. It took a lot of trial and error, but we got the hang of it now. Basically, what I’m saying here is that we learned these key things mentioned here. So I would suggest re-reading this and try to be open and imaginative to these ideas.

    I do like the bed is an altar thing…I’ve been feeling uninspired in that area lately so that is something I will have to remind myself of.

  • heyjoan

    Why don’t people tell you these things?? I am a 69 year old woman and have been married for 42 years. I think that Laura Schlessinger is right on target with everything she said. It took me many years to learn some of the things that she said and I wish that someone could have given me this book as a wedding present as it would have saved me (and my husband) much grief. I learned a lot of these things through experience over the years and, as a result, we’re happier now than when we were younger.