What you can watch involving real live sports this weekend (all times Eastern):
Saturday, January 30
3:30 a.m. Australian Open Women's Final, ESPN2 – Of course Justine Henin made it back to the final on her comeback tour.
9:55 a.m. Premier League: Aston Villa at Fulham, ESPN2 – But "own goal" sounds so harmless!
12 noon Louisville at #9 West Virginia, ESPN – The basketball court is also sloped at a 30-degree angle.
12 noon La Salle at #15 Temple, ESPN2 – Guess which Philly school is privately-funded. Now guess again.
12 noon Eastern Michigan at Miami University, ESPNU – Dance, Miami head coach Charlie Coles. Dance like no one's watching.
1 p.m. #8 Duke at #7 Georgetown, CBS - Not only will Duke get all the calls, but they can even pre-order iPads.
2 p.m. Oklahoma State at Missouri, ESPN – Cowboys don't ride Tigers. Unless someone spiked their sarsaparilla.
2 p.m. Indiana at Illinois, ESPN2 – So much rural land. So little camaraderie.
2 p.m. Murray State at Tennessee-Martin, ESPNU – This coulda been Pacers and Racers if it weren't for MSU's damn mascot change back in '95.
3 p.m. PGA Tour, Farmer's Insurance Open, third round, CBS – The once-proud Buick Invitational. Kinda surprised a foreign car isn't sponsoring this.
3 p.m. 24 Hours of Daytona, Speed Channel – Don't try to watch all in one sitting.
4 p.m. #21 Vanderbilt at #1 Kentucky, ESPN – No way will the Wildcats vacate this time slot.
4 p.m. Winter X Games, ESPN2 – It's like the regular Olympics, but with 'tude.
4 p.m. Youngstown State at Cleveland State, ESPNU – It's the battle of which Northeast Ohio city is less depressing.
6 p.m. Notre Dame at Rutgers, ESPN2 – Basketball arenas are more susceptible to echoes than football fields.
6 p.m. Charlotte at UMass, ESPNU – No, you the Mass.
7 p.m. Kansas at Kansas State, ESPN - Hatin' on schools just because of what side of the prairie they're on. Such hard times.
8 p.m. Pacific at UC-Riverside, ESPN2 – Not entirely convinced these aren't two fictional universities set aside for National Lampoon straight-to-DVD films.
9 p.m. Providence at Cincinnati, ESPNU – You say Cashmere Wright is a boy's name?
10 p.m. Hawaii at Nevada, ESPNU – Hawaii has players from six different countries. Nevada has a guy named London.
10 p.m. Strikeforce: Miami, Showtime – Fighters will be controlled by 12-year-old button mashers.
Sunday, January 31
3:30 a.m. Australian Open Men's Final, ESPN2 - Roger Federer vs. Andy Murray. And here I thought the Swiss were neutral.
12 p.m. Winter X Games, ESPN – Wheeeeee!
12:30 p.m. Detroit Red Wings at Pittsburgh Penguins, NBC – Pretty soon Sidney Crosby is going to have his own late night show on NBC.
1 p.m. Denver Nuggets at San Antonio Spurs, ABC – Watch Renaldo and a Brazilian go up against Frenchman and a guy who flops. This is basketball, right?
1 p.m. PBA Dick Weber Open, ESPN2 – More excitement than a skills competition 7-10 split.
1 p.m. Florida at #14 Tennessee, CBS – No truth to the rumor Bruce Pearl will coach the game shirtless.
2 p.m. Manhattan at St. Peter's, ESPNU – The Lincoln Tunnel? At this hour?
3 p.m. PGA Tour, Farmers Insurance Open, final round, CBS – Q: What do you call it when a pro golfer smacks around one of his mistresses? A: "Tiger Uppercut."
3 p.m. (women) Purdue at Iowa, ESPN2 – Hey, State of Iowa. It's not polite to point.
3:30 p.m. Los Angeles Lakers at Boston Celtics, ABC – Red Wings/Penguins? Lakers/Celtics? Nobody is going to want to see these matchups.
4 p.m. (women) Marquette at DePaul, ESPNU – I wonder if Shy Johnson is the most vocal player on her team.
5 p.m. (women) Baylor at Texas, ESPN2 – You may lead your team in scoring, Ms. Raven, but your derivative spelling of Brittany is unacceptable.
6 p.m. (women) Georgia at Auburn, ESPNU – Seriously. Like, a LOT of women's basketball. But at least it counts, unlike…
…7:20 p.m. Pro Bowl, ESPN – FINALLY!
8 p.m. Wichita State at Southern Illinois, ESPNU – And if pickup football causes my attention to wane, there's always the Shockers and Salukis.