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Ted Haggard – 100% Heterosexual

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Last week, Reverend Ted Haggard held a press conference to tell the world he is 100% heterosexual. Apparently, he thought you should know and he thought you would care. He was in treatment for three weeks and he is all better. He is no longer thinking of smearing butter on male prostitutes and then layering them gently with cinnamon and confectioners sugar to lick them clean off the deck of a yacht in international waters. Nope. He is totally all better.

He will no longer be meeting with male prostitutes to not do meth together. No sir. He is not wearing a banana hammock full of sedatives and cocaine to church anymore because that could be construed as gay. He is probably not plowing the Hershey highway as I write this because of how gay he isn’t. He probably didn’t even just take a load to the face from a homeless bum behind the church for $25, while still in his reverend’s robes.

You know what? That was tasteless and inappropriate and I apologize. The purpose of this piece is to mock Haggard, not gays. In fact, using the *Ward Churchill Methodology system®, I am gay myself!

Nope, that stuff is behind him (I said behind…tee hee) after three trying weeks of therapy. It is official: he is not gay. Remember that scene in the movie 40 Year Old Virgin where the two guys riff about “You know how I know you are gay”? Let me tell you one sure way to tell if someone is gay: If they hold a press conference to explain that they aren’t.

Some years ago, baseball star Mike Piazza held a news conference strictly to explain he wasn’t gay. I don’t know anything about Mike Piazza, except this: dude is probably gay. With over ninety percent of the population being not gay, being straight is implied. It is assumed you are not gay unless you get caught having sex with men (like Rev Haggard) or you have a press conference to tell everyone how not gay you are (like Rev Haggard).

Ted, no one cares if you are gay. It really isn’t our business. The reason why we want you to suffer greatly is because you spent your life telling gay people they would die in a lake of fire. Guess what, Ted – if that were true, you better have some fireproof swim trunks. Having a press conference doesn’t make anyone any more or less gay; it just tells everyone not to believe you.

*Ward Churchill methodology®: When Ward Churchill got nailed for abuse, plagiarism, slander, threatening his ex wife’s family with murder, and libel (amongst other things), he demanded to be respected because he was a Native American. The only thing Churchill hasn’t been caught doing is using child porn. He explained why he wrote an essay that justified every single murder on Sept 11th, 2001: It was because he understood genocide. He claimed he was a victim of the man because he was Native American.

As it turned out, he is like 1/126th American Indian. He is a 100% douchebag. His American Indian status is so fictional that the Native American community does not accept him. He was not accepted into AIM (American Indian Movement). If that makes him a Native American, then surely I am 1/126th gay. I mean, who doesn’t think about Johnny Depp every night just before they drop off to sleep? Not me, because that would be gay! Okay, maybe a little.

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About Lono

  • Actual Brain Power

    Haggard wants support while he and his wife go to school.

    I say, sell that $700K home, what happened to the severance money?, and finally, get a job!

    I went to school. I didn’t have equity, cash on hand, or ‘supporters’ either. I worked. Try it. You never know, you might like it.

  • and maybe just a little left over for some blow

    Not blow, Lono… crank, dope, crystal, speed…all acceptable terms for meth. Blow is coke. Get your facts straight. 😉

    Oh wait- wtf does it matter what the slimy details are in a story so fucking heinous it sounds made up? Anyone offended by the slight inaccuracies with how the news of yet another outed-homosexual-homophobic-adulterer-LIAR-hypocrite-drug -user-reverend is covered, clearly has no grasp of reality.

    For fuck’s sake… hasn’t his family suffered enough… you have got to be kidding me. Do you know the name of this man’s children or wife? I sure don’t. Hadn’t even wondered till just now. Still not going to bother looking it up. Why? Because I don’t give a shit. What relevance do they have to anything? Were they the ones snorting the meth that Ted claims he bought but never used? No? Okay then…. I won’t be interested enough to find out what they look like and go ridicule them in the street.

    By the way- suffer?

    Why would they be suffering? Because of the things people might say? Because it hurts their little feelings? Wow. Thats tragic. Imagine, these poor people being subjected to the same treatment he gave to those he preached against. So unfair. They deserve a medal.

  • Rachel,

    I would be honored to be linked to. I have no fear of sharing my views, obviously. Thanks for stopping in!

  • Great post, I loved the way you put it. I hope you don’t mind me linking to this page…?

  • mikhailowiscx

    Evangelicals and christians in general tend to be so obsessed with sex, gender and genitals to the point that you would think that morality = sex and nothing more. Why I suppose in an evangelical’s mind a heterosexual drug dealer is ‘morally’ superior to a gay philanthropist. Christians in general are guilty of being self righteous and are constantly pretending to ‘love the sinner but hate the sin ‘ as if they can really do that -hah.!!!

    May I remind them that the oft repeated mantra of the modern pharasees ‘ love the sinner but not the sin’ is not a quote from Jesus , but a glib semantic invention of some self righteous baptist minister.

    Careful scholars of biblical texts who are familiar with the intricacies of ancient oriental languages are wont to not read their bias into isolated quotations.

    Jesus had no problems with gays ( natural eunuchs born of the mother’s womb). If you are anti-gay or condemnatory of gay people than you are out of sync with Jesus.

    This is what Jesus said:

    KJV Matthew 19:12
    12. For there are some eunuchs, which were so born from their mother’s womb: and there are some eunuchs, which were made eunuchs of men: and there be eunuchs, which have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven’s sake. He that is able to receive it, let him receive it.

    No less an authority than Jesus said it is o.k. to be gay, and for you to accept it. Who do you wish to follow – Jesus (of Nazareth) or Jerry (Falwell).

    For more detail discussion of this biblical position on the acceptance of gay people by no less an authority than JESUS – THE SON OF GOD, I refer you to this link: Hidden Meanings

    Mikhail – a child of the intelligent Universe

  • mikhailowiscx

    Why are christians so obsessed with other peoples sexuality..so obsessed with sex, gender and genitals…really, don’t they worry about real stuff , like poverty, famine, environmental degradation, war and pestilence, the rich gettting richer and the poor getting more destitute.

    Why do they get so obessed with homosexuals, claiming it is a threat to the family ..HOW? if your husband runs off with the hussy next door, how can it be the fault of gays/lesbians? How can gays/lesbians be responsible for 50% divorce rate ( incidentally highest divorce are in the bible belt ha ha ).

    If your son does drug and your daughter gets laid while on booze – how is that the fault of gays/lesbians. Christians historically sought out scape-goats..they used to blame Jews, then blacks, then gypsies , then women and now since it is no longer fashionable to blame jews or blacks etc, they have to pick on vulnerable minorities like gays and lesbians.

    Hitler did not kill 6 million jews in a vacuum. Centuries of marginalization and denigration and demonizing of jews as Jesus killer enable common german citizens to exercise false moral authority in killing jews. In like fashion centuries of demonizing and denigration of homosexuals embolden wicked and otherwise morally bankrupt ‘straight’ bigots to descrimiaate and do violence to gay and lesbian and other sexual minorities .

    Furthermore picking on a scape-goat makes christians feel superior and ‘saved’. Denigrating others is easier than exercising love,charity and compassion which is actually the most basic teachings of Jesus of Nazareth. Sadly Christians hardly practise the most important commandemt of Jesus ie. Love God then immediately love your neighbour as yourself ( be he/she gay or staight).


    mikhail – a child of the Universe

  • and maybe just a little left over for some blow

  • Exausted by the distortion

    Today New Life Church revealed in an open church service that they have agreed to pay Ted and Gayle one year of their pay. One year. So much for the false reports of hush money. That’s about enough for Ted and Gayle to relocate, buy a new house, cover some of their disabled sons expenses and hopefully find a new job.

  • Exausted by the distortion

    I’m a Christian and one of my best friends is a lesbian. Why am I put in such a “box” and judged as one who doesn’t love? Shouldn’t we all just take a step back, speak truth, and have compassion on each other…as well as the Haggard children? Makes sense to me.

  • mikhail

    How come all we hear about is how one should forgive ted haggard , feel sorry for his kids and wives, feel sorry for the christian rights and the new life congregation etc…in other words feel sorry for the perpetrators of ignorance, homophobia, discrimination,?

    I do not hear anyone feeling bad about the millions of ruined lives of gay/lesbian/transgender youths and people who are denigrated ,marginalized, and demonized by the ted haggards of the world and his ilk. Hitler was able to kill 6 million jews because christians for centuries demonized jews as ‘jesus killers’ thus making it easy and legitimate for the german man on the street to visit violence on a jewish person. Likewise centuries of demonization and marginalization of g/l/trnsgender people by self righteous ‘church folks’ lend legitimacy to bigoted people to discriminate and do violence to g/l/t minorities world wide.

    The ‘religious’ rights are a bunch of hypocrites , they cannot even obey the most important commandment of Jesus which is to Love God and then immediately to love your neighbour ( gay or straight) as yourself. Jesus was talking of divine ,universal ,UNCONDITIONAL LOVE !!!….NOT SELECTIVE HYPOCRITICAL LOVE based on bigotry and ignorance .

    child of the Universe

  • Louise

    so he spent the kid’s therapy/medicine/hospital/whatever fees on meth and hooker guy?

    he is an even bigger arsehole than i thought!!!

  • Exausted by the distortion

    Go ahead and be angry with Ted Haggard. Personally I think what he did was horrible.

    My frustration is not with people being angry over his hypocrisy – but rather with the facts not being reported accurately. Blogs that state Ted had a news conference – blogs that state hush money was given only confuse an already horrific situtation.

    Consider for a moment that…there are 5 children involved here. Only two are grown – of the 3 younger kids, one is significantly handicapped. The youngest of the two are still teenagers who live at home.

    The settlement (and I have no idea of what it includes) will most likely go towards the continuing intensive care of there son who is unable to care for himself. New Life Church has always cared for the Haggard family in light of and with consideration of the monumental costs of rasing a severly disabled son. Instead of believing the worst about the church it might be nice to consider that the church was blind sighted by all of this just as much as the rest of the world was and the fact that they are willing to give a settlement that will help the disabled son get the care he needs is a great gesture of kindness. Especially when you consider the circumstances and out right lies of almost 22 years.

    I can only imagine that growing up gay anywhere is extremely difficult. One of my dearest friends in the world is a lesbian and I have seen her hurt first hand. However – being Ted Haggard’s children right now – having a father who lived a double life and then had it uncovered for the whole world to see has to be beyond what they can bare.

    If for no other reason than for the sake of the children people shouldn’t blog half truths. Every gay person who has been persecuted should be able to see that Ted Haggards children are now also being persecuted for nothing they have ever done.

    Without a doubt, Ted Haggard screwed up. But that doesn’t make reporting half truths or blogging out right lies acceptable either.

  • Louise

    if everything was discussed ‘openly’ as you say, why is part of the settlement that Haggard should not talk about what happened??

    as for him losing everything…..BAAH HUMBUG. He got some good hush money, a wife who still stands by him, followers who still thinks he is God’s gift to gay prosecution, and more.

    ‘Losing everything’ is what happens to young gay people in Colorado Springs who have to grow up hearing how sinful they are. If you grow up hating yourself, for loving the wrong gender….then what is left??

    Haggard has no idea what suffering he is putting impressionable people thru. But the wheel turns, as it did.

  • zingzing

    ahh, lono… you’re article is harsh, it is. but, other than the fact that the man himself was homosexual and was dealing with some self-inflicted self-abuse, he deserves everything he gets.

    i mean, you gotta feel a bit sorry for the guy… he hated himself… but he preached that hate, and for that he should roast in his own shit.

    religion+hate=nasty, i say.

    you know, just because i’m here, i gotta say that michael hurley is a great american songwriter. maverick. genius. porch.

  • Claire,

    You lost me. I don’t understand the comment. Honestly, I totally don’t mind being insulted or slammed… but is your reference pointed at me, the first commenter, or Haggard?

    thanks for reading, either way. Otherwise, I just have these conversations in my head, and it isn’t nearly as fun!

  • To quote someone much more knowledgeable than I: “methinks the lady protests too much”

  • Wow – I just totally snapped. Sorry you had to see that. I was so upset I had to walk away and clear my head. anyhow, my feelings are clear… but perhaps I could have been more civil. My intolerance for homophobia and religious hypocrisy is the same as mine for racism. I simple will not accept it.
    I don’t think is sorry for anything he did, outside of getting caught. Celebs apologizing and running of to ‘rehab’ is horsehit. Look at that actor form Grey’s Anatomy who called his co-star a ‘faggot’. He apologized, then went to rehab. What? Rehab can’t make miss less of a homophobe than it can make Rev Haggard straight.

  • Leave this man alone? Hasn’t he had enough? NO. NO HE HAS NOT HAD ENOUGH.

    He preaches hate and homophobia. That is bad enough, now we know it was also filled with a life of lies. It will never be enough for what he did. He is a liar and traitor not just to his religious constituency, but to his own self.

    Had he come out and revealed all of this voluntarily on his own and asked for forgiveness I would be totally cool with that. Thing is, if that male prostitute hadn’t come forward, Haggard would STILL be preaching hate and homophobia.

    Also, counseling doesn’t make you un-gay, and if it would it would certainly take longer than three weeks to do. It is more bullshit from him. He has done too much damage making gay people feel they are unloved or unappreciated by the Lord, and has still never apologized for that. Send him off to live with Fred Phelps and they can continue to send a message of hate filled hate.

  • Exausted by the distortion

    It is exhausting to watch the media distort the truth regarding Ted Haggard. There was no press conference held by Ted. A sound bite – taken out of context – from an interview with one of the overseers of New Life Church has been plastered all over the media. Now the media is running rampant spreading half truths and sometimes out right lies.

    Ted Haggard’s 3 week counselling intensive was at a secular facility and was not aimed at fixing his homosexual issues. End of story.

    Further more – New life Church did not run Ted and Gayle Haggard out of Colorado Springs. The choice to leave Colorado Springs was a mutual decision.

    NLC offered a severance package after Ted Haggard’s termination. This is a very normal business practice. Though it is far more juicy to believe the worst – Haggard was not paid hush money. For crying out loud – NLC has been very open through out this process. They have even allowed the media to attend services regarding the Ted Haggard situation. Whether you like New Life Church or not – they have handled the situation openly and above reproach.

    If you’re going to blog – at least get the facts straight. And if it’s the truth that you really don’t care about Ted Haggards sexual orientation then why bother blogging about him at all.

    Leave the man – and his family alone. They’ve lost everything…isn’t that enough?

    A Colorado resident who is tired of the facts being distorted. Isn’t the truth on it’s own bad enough?????