Last week, Reverend Ted Haggard held a press conference to tell the world he is 100% heterosexual. Apparently, he thought you should know and he thought you would care. He was in treatment for three weeks and he is all better. He is no longer thinking of smearing butter on male prostitutes and then layering them gently with cinnamon and confectioners sugar to lick them clean off the deck of a yacht in international waters. Nope. He is totally all better.
He will no longer be meeting with male prostitutes to not do meth together. No sir. He is not wearing a banana hammock full of sedatives and cocaine to church anymore because that could be construed as gay. He is probably not plowing the Hershey highway as I write this because of how gay he isn’t. He probably didn’t even just take a load to the face from a homeless bum behind the church for $25, while still in his reverend’s robes.
You know what? That was tasteless and inappropriate and I apologize. The purpose of this piece is to mock Haggard, not gays. In fact, using the *Ward Churchill Methodology system®, I am gay myself!
Nope, that stuff is behind him (I said behind…tee hee) after three trying weeks of therapy. It is official: he is not gay. Remember that scene in the movie 40 Year Old Virgin where the two guys riff about “You know how I know you are gay”? Let me tell you one sure way to tell if someone is gay: If they hold a press conference to explain that they aren’t.
Some years ago, baseball star Mike Piazza held a news conference strictly to explain he wasn’t gay. I don’t know anything about Mike Piazza, except this: dude is probably gay. With over ninety percent of the population being not gay, being straight is implied. It is assumed you are not gay unless you get caught having sex with men (like Rev Haggard) or you have a press conference to tell everyone how not gay you are (like Rev Haggard).
Ted, no one cares if you are gay. It really isn’t our business. The reason why we want you to suffer greatly is because you spent your life telling gay people they would die in a lake of fire. Guess what, Ted – if that were true, you better have some fireproof swim trunks. Having a press conference doesn’t make anyone any more or less gay; it just tells everyone not to believe you.
*Ward Churchill methodology®: When Ward Churchill got nailed for abuse, plagiarism, slander, threatening his ex wife’s family with murder, and libel (amongst other things), he demanded to be respected because he was a Native American. The only thing Churchill hasn’t been caught doing is using child porn. He explained why he wrote an essay that justified every single murder on Sept 11th, 2001: It was because he understood genocide. He claimed he was a victim of the man because he was Native American.
As it turned out, he is like 1/126th American Indian. He is a 100% douchebag. His American Indian status is so fictional that the Native American community does not accept him. He was not accepted into AIM (American Indian Movement). If that makes him a Native American, then surely I am 1/126th gay. I mean, who doesn’t think about Johnny Depp every night just before they drop off to sleep? Not me, because that would be gay! Okay, maybe a little.