This is a very hard post to write because tomorrow begins the preliminary phase of...
{drum roll}
...The Wedding Diet!!!
Between now and November 4th of this year (the date of my wedding) I need to lose about 20-30 pounds. I know what you're thinking. It's not possible. People who diet just diet because everyone else is dieting and at the end of the day, no one ever really loses weight.
Except for me.
So here are The Top Ten Things I Will Miss About Being A Fat Dude.
10. The Jokes — There's nothing like a good fat joke to make some poor miserable fat person feel as if they belong living amongst wild animals somewhere on a planet very far not near here.
I have friends and family who spend hours coming up with brand spanking new ways to make fun of my fatness. I will miss their creativity. And they will miss such an easy target.
9. The Excuses — When you're fat you gain access to a select amount of excuses other, more lightweight folks do not have. Like, there are times when my girlfriend will have to tie my shoes because I cannot bend over being so fat. Or, say I'm laying on the couch and want a cupcake but am too fat to get off my ass to retrieve it. Someone will get it for me. I like that. I will miss that.
8. Extra Large Clothing — See, because fat people are fat, we need to wear clothes that are big and baggy because, well, they are so very comfortable. Once I become skinny I will have to start buying tight-fit, loose-fit, sexy-fit shit. I'll have to start paying close attention to those annoying Gap commercials. The word, snug, will become a permanent fixture in my vocabulary.
"Gee, that feels snug." "Does it feel snug enough?" "Is there anyway we can get more snug out of these snug snugs?
7. Looking Tough — Underneath all this fat is a very weak person. I can't fight, box, karate, sumo, wrestle — any of it. I'm a lost cause. But when you're fat, you're naturally big. Big = scary. I have perfected this "really mean scary guy" look that I use everywhere I go. No one ever fucks with me.
Yeah, I will miss that.
6. Extra Time In The Bathroom — I will miss those extra twenty minutes us fat people are allowed to spend in the bathroom. If some skinny guy milks a half hour in the bathroom, people will immediately think he's masturbating. But if a fat guy walks out, they give that understanding nod with their head, as if to say — "oh, okay, you're fat. Take your time big boy. Take your time."
Article comments
1 - Eric Berlin
Good luck, Z. I got married in the summer of '03 after about a year and a half of being engaged and trying to lose weight. I actually managed to take a little off -- but it's tough with all of the family stuff and wedding stuff and arranging stuff and cake tasting stuff. (Did I mention eating ice cream at midnight because you're stressed out stuff?)
The payoff was the adrenaline the morning of the wedding. I sprinted down corridors of the hotel so fast I felt like Trinity from the Matrix (okay, maybe several Trinities, but who's counting?).
The wife bought the Buff Brides book and actually used it fairly regularly. Inspiring lass, that one.
Eric Berlin
Dumpster Bust: Miracles from Mind Trash
2 - RJ
I recommend you eat lots of tuna fish and salad. Both are enjoyable, but don't have too many calories.
Oh, and sex is good exercise!
3 - Bob A. Booey
How fat a dude are you?
I think you left one off:
11. Man Boobs
The comment about allowing fat people more time in bathrooms is funny -- I wonder why that is. I think it's maybe because we assume since they eat more food, they have more work to do.
No one needs to buy that book linked on this comment -- I'll give you the number one reason America's fat: soda and sugary drinks that we consume all day long for empty calories. It's no big secret. There ya go. If Americans were to drink water whenever they felt slightly hungry, obesity rates would drop by half.
That is all.
4 - Bob A. Booey
Congratulations on the nuptials, though.
5 - Nancy
Congratulations & good luck on the marriage & the diet. RJ is right, to an extent: being a guy, you want to go heavy on the non-red-meat protein: chicken or turkey (not fried!), fish or shellfish. Red meats no more than 2ce a week, and ix-nay on the bacon, ham, sausage, etc. more often than 1ce every 2-3 WEEKS. Ditch non-diet sodas, alcohol (yeah, that means beer), and coffee or tea w/caffeine - it spurs the appetite. Avoid or delete entirely anything 'white': white bread, pastas, rice, flour, sugar, potatoes. Go for whole-grain (check the labels, just because it says 'whole grain' doesn't mean it is) breads & pastas, sweet potatoes, brown rice. Use Splenda or any of its generic clones for sweetner. Load up on "good" carbs: veggies like spinach (frozen not fresh ;) , summer squash, asparagus, salad, tomatoes, spaghetti squash, onions, mushrooms, beet greens or other greens, pea pods (snow peas); fruits like strawberries, melons of any type, berries, peaches. Try to limit corn, apples, pears, pineapple, bananas, all of which are high-carb/high-sugar, but if you MUST have 'sweets', they're better than ice cream. Be CAREFUL of stuff like fruit added yogurts: some of them are more calorific & fatty than full-fat ice creams! Finally, drink lots & lots of water: at least 60 - 80 ozs a day. Sounds like a lot, but think of it as 2-1/2 of the 32-oz bottles of soda most people chug down with no trouble. The water helps flush the fat & keeps your kidneys clean while you're losing. Try to restrict added salt; it retains fluids.
Goes without saying, no pretzels, popcorn, chips, or fast food...especially fast food: worst possible thing you can eat if you're trying to lose weight. Besides, it clogs your arteries.
Keep us posted.