The Breakfast Club

So I've been thinking about cereal. You know, the breakfast kind? Scott got me started on it, actually. I've decided Cap'n Crunch is about the only breakfast food mascot I have any real faith in. I don't trust Snap, Crackle or Pop or those chefs from Cinnamon Toast Crunch; these guys are all in league with the Keebler Elves, I'm pretty sure. . . Trix the Rabbit is clearly untrustworthy as well, by definition. Sonny, from Cocoa Puffs? He's cukoo, remember? He's the defining reason parents should not give their kids a sugared-up morning cereal. I also get the feeling Toucan Sam is up to something shady, especially since he brought those little nephews of his on the scene. . . Frankenberry? Count Chocula? Of course not. Who would be stupid enough to accept their morning meal from (1) a creature pieced together from old body parts (but evidently strawberry fresh!) or (2) a bloodsucker with a chocolate craving? You know CC just wants you to eat the chocolate so he can suck your blood and get his chocolate fix vicariously. . . And finally there's Lucky the Leprachaun. Ha! Trying to distract me with yellow moons, blue diamonds, purple horseshoes? Where's my pot of gold you little bastard?! This is why I don't eat breakfast. . .

Article Author: ZMethos

Author of the collection "The World Ends at Five and Other Stories," critic, and sometime summer camp instructor in Shakespeare, vampires, and other odds and ends.

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