What is it with Kennedys and moving vehicles? Put them in a plane or behind the wheel of a car and disaster is only a few heartbeats away. We should be glad they're so rich they ride in limos most of the time, because if not for their chauffeurs, we'd all be in danger.
A lot of people have been hard on Robert Francis Kennedy, Jr. because of the conflict between his strident environmentalism and his hypocritical use of a chauffered Ford Expedition, but I say give the man a break. He's getting driven around in a gas-guzzler for the sake of humanity. We can't enjoy clean air if we get run over while standing on a street corner breathing it.
The tragic history of the Kennedys and vehicles is documented as far back as World War II, though I suspect they were crashing oxcarts in Ireland in the early 1800s. JFK's elder brother Joseph was shot down in a plane during the war, echoing the dramatic death of his nephew John F. Kennedy, Jr. in a crash in 1999 while flying a private plane to Martha's Vineyard with his wife and her sister on board.
JFK Jr.'s death was shocking, but the Kennedy clan seems to have a lot more trouble with cars than with planes. Perhaps they realize that flying is just too dangerous when you're genetically incompatible with steering and born without a directional sense of any kind.
The most famous driver in the family is third-string patriarch Teddy. The senior Senator from Massachusetts almost ended his political career in 1969 when he drove off a bridge on Chappaquiddick Island, plunging his Olds Delmont 88 into a pond and drowning his passenger Mary Jo Kopechne. His career eventually recovered, but his personal life has been plagued with problems associated with drinking and poor personal judgement.
Former Congressman Joseph Patrick Kennedy II, once heir apparent to the Senate seat of his uncle Teddy, has had driving problems too. In 1973 he was the driver of an open top Jeep which he drove off a road and rolled several times. The accident crushed the spine of passenger, Pam Kelley, crippling her for life.
Article comments
— go to most recent comments1 - Thomas M. Sipos
Very funny. Very Andy Rooneyesque.
2 - Dave Nalle
I'm not sure if that's a compliment, and insult, or if I've just achieved 'crazy old coot' status.
Dave
3 - Thomas M. Sipos
Well, I think Andy Rooney is funny (although I haven't heard him in years).
When I read your piece, I could "hear" Andy Rooney delivering it.
4 - Silas Kain
Poor Patrick. Unable to achieve status in Massachusetts, he and the clan annexed Rhode Island politics where the Democratic "faithful" continue to burn votive candles in front of pictures of JFK. It's all so romantic. Patrick is in all probablility the most accurate representation of all that Rhode Island stands for: diddly squat. If I had to choose between the Bayou and Little Rhody, I'd take my chances in New Orleans, thank you very much.
Nice piece, Dave. Your wit shines ever through. Last, but not least, a word of advice to the Congressman from Rhode Island's First District. Come out of hiding, sweetie, now's the perfect time.
5 - Dave Nalle
Damn, Silas. That's exactly what America needs! A gay Kennedy! It would be a timely and brilliant political move for one of them to come out.
Dave
6 - Jet in Columbus
Dave, I'm very disappointed in you. It took you this long to get this posted?
You're slipping my friend, you're slipping.
When's the satire on Laura Bush's driving coming out?
7 - Caprimulgiformes
What a big fish story concerning RFK Jr. and the vehicle you attribute to him. This story has been going around the media and it just keeps getting bigger. He drives a minivan... LOL But you gotta love the big fish story.
8 - Dave Nalle
Hey Jet, I had to actually RESEARCH this puppy. How many of you know about J. Patrick Kennedy's jeep accident?
And thatnks for the news about RFK Jr's actual vehicle, Crapfungus. I'm going to let my original statement stand, despite the technicality that the SUV he drives belongs to the Kennedy compound at Hyannis.
Dave
9 - Gordon Hauptfleisch
Years ago National Lampoon magazine ran a controversial "ad" for the Volkswagon Bug, reiterating its buoyant properties with a photo of one floating on water --and the caption "If Only Teddy Kennedy Had Been Driving A Volkswagon..."
Big hue and cry and a lawsuit to boot.
10 - Baronius
There's a big difference between drunken driving and an addiction to prescription pills. If pain medication really was the reason for this latest incident, we should cut Patrick some slack.
(So that's what it feels like to defend a Kennedy. Not bad exactly; just different. Next thing you know, I'll be calling for a hike in the minimum wage.)
11 - RJ Elliott
"When's the satire on Laura Bush's driving coming out?"
About 30 years ago...
12 - RJ Elliott
Actually, 43 years ago...
(I didn't know she was that old!)
13 - MCH
"And thatnks for the news about RFK Jr's actual vehicle, Crapfungus. I'm going to let my original statement stand, despite the technicality that the SUV he drives belongs to the Kennedy compound at Hyannis."
- Dave Nalle
Never trust anyone who hides-out in a fenced compound...
14 - Heloise
Nalle, are you in a compound outside of Austin, TX? Heloise is also in Texas. As a past-life member of the Kennedy family I can tell you that you are right on the money about our driving habits. You forgot to mention that JFK was a fast-driving entitled SOB most of his life until he left the driving to the presidential chauffuers.
Yep you got it right--the Kennedy clan is a menace on the road. I think they are still imitating JFK because many of them drive like him. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. But seriously every time somebody rides with me now they become an instant backseat driver pointing out my driving mistakes.
It takes more than one lifetime to get it right and that includes driving. I point out to my passengers I've been driving longer than they've been alive with a perfect driving record. You see we do improve with age.
Heloise
15 - Arch Conservative
On balance they've probably done more good than bad as a family...........
What are you basing this on Dave?
Bay of Pigs, Cuban Missile crisis, Chappaquiddac, Teddy undermining the military, William Kennedy raping women, Patrick Kennedy a drunk cokehead following in the steps of his dad driving drunk,
Where's the good?
The fact is this family is an embarassment and a cancer upon American politics. The soones they are all dead or in rehab the better off the rest of us will be. Ted Kennedy is the biggest hypocritical bag of shit in congress lecturing everyone else on morality when he left Mary Joe to die in the pond.
It figures that the liberal morons bring up the typical "why aren't we talking about Laura Bush's accident tripe."
First of all Laura Bush isn't an elected official.
Second she was not drunk like the Kennedys when she had her accident. Show me a sober Kennedy and I'll seell you a bridge in Brooklyn.
Third.....she did not go home and sleep on her accident while her pregnant passenger drowned and then only report it after consulting with her lawyers and political gurus 18 hours later.
Fourth Laura Bush is not a habitual drunk driver who only makes statements before the press to save face after they have been caught and even then deny they were driving drunk.
The comparison is rediculuos just as the voters of Massachusetts are? MA is the biggest shithole in the country. People say that Ted Kennedy getting re-elected year after year means he's a good senator. Have any of the people that actually say this ever even been to Massachusetts? You're typical masshole is a smug, smarmy, condescending, narrow minded, ultraliberal who thinks that because they come from Massachusetts (center of the known universe) they can tell everyone else how to live. Everything about the state completely sucks. It's just too bad that we don't have earthquakes here on the east coast. if we did maybe we'd get lucky and the entire state of Mass and all it's citizens would be taken to a watery grave deep at the bottom of the Atlantic and then my state, NH would have a bigger coastline.
I look foward to the day that fat fucking bastard Senator Swimmer has a heart attack and dies. With any luck John Kerry will be standing next to him at the time and he will fall on him and crush the life out of him as well with his tremendous girth. The world's best 2 for 1.
Fuck Massachusetts and fuck the Kennedies. I wish them nothing but more misfortune and death.
16 - MCH
Archie;
Why all the hate? You need to enlist and take out some of that anger on our real enemies in Iraq.
17 - Dave Nalle
Arch, you might want to wait to defend Laura Bush's driving record until someone actually brings it up - you're just a tad defensive with your overreaction.
As for the good the Kennedy's have done, JFK cut taxes and was generally pretty effective in dealing with Russia. Who really gives a rat's ass about the Bay of Pigs except for some Cubano nutcases in Miami and Castro himself?
And despite your complaints about Teddy - and he certainly is extremely left in his beliefs - he has actually sponsored some reasonable legislation and isn't a total venal idiot, as far as doing his job. He may be a leftist, but he's not a corrupt and opportunistic leftist, which puts him ahead of most of his party.
Dave
18 - Eric Berlin
Good piece, Dave, but certainly you must include yourself among the "jackals of the media" for writing this very piece.
19 - Dave Nalle
Perhaps more of a vulture or a raven than a jackal, per se.
Dave
20 - Heloise
To the Arch who wrote comment #15--You're going to hell for that comment.
Heloise
21 - Ruvy in Jerusalem
Dave, are you sure this was satire? Great article. You should have done an investigation into the trolley accidents in Boston a century ago to get a better background of the antipatthy between the Kennedys and motor vehicles...
Maybe they are under the curse of the engine leprechauns...
22 - Dave Nalle
If Arch goes to hell for that comment I suspect he'll be in some fine company.
Dave
23 - MCH
more like a turkey buzzard...
24 - RJ Elliott
"Who really gives a rat's ass about the Bay of Pigs except for some Cubano nutcases in Miami and Castro himself?"
The families of those who were slaughtered by the Communists because JFK withheld air support at the last minute?
25 - Silas Kain
Damn, Silas. That's exactly what America needs! A gay Kennedy!
We already have one. His name is Patrick and he's from Providence.