The days of hand-embossed thank you cards and Emily Post are long gone. We currently live at etiquette ground zero. The basic courtesies like "please" and "thank you" are hanging on to our vernacular for dear life. Need evidence that our collective politeness has slipped into near oblivion? Look no further than your local restaurant.
Like nearly every other struggling artist/writer in Los Angeles, I wait tables at night. It isn’t glamorous but it is definitely an intimate glimpse into the human condition. People are at their most vulnerable and honest when they are hungry. Unfortunately this primeval urge to seek out and consume sustenance opens the door for caveman-like behavior.
Luckily, I have five simple suggestions for becoming a better restaurant patron.
1. The world is not your living room. In the comfort of your own home you should feel free to talk loudly on the phone, scratch whatever itches, and generally be yourself. In public, however, not so much. There is nothing more rude than conducting your personal business in a public place. The last thing your overworked waiter/waitress wants to do is compete with your cell phone conversation and the diners around you aren’t too thrilled about it either. Take a ten-minute Blackberry detox. Turn your phone off. Enjoy your meal. If you are incapable of this than you should order in. Period. This is non-negotiable.
2. If you’re hungry now, don’t go to a restaurant that has a wait. It sounds simple enough, but you’d be surprised how many times a week I encounter this. Despite their growling stomachs and dwindling patience, diners continue to wait for their meals. Maybe I’m an idiot, but if I’m hungry, I eat now. Badgering the staff won’t get you a table faster. Offering up seating suggestions won’t help your cause. These folks do this for a living. They haven’t forgotten about you, but by acting like the hungriest man on the planet they may be inclined to ignore you completely. Instead, have a light snack before attending a busy establishment or go somewhere less hip where you can get a table right away.
3. The kids aren’t all right. This is a tricky one because I have nieces and nephews and I see how my brother and sister struggle when taking them out to eat. But children learn by example. If they see mommy and daddy being patient and polite, they will most likely do the same. Not surprisingly, well-behaved kids in restaurants are a rarity. Letting one's offspring run around, knock things off tables, and scream while others are trying to eat is a big no-no. If your child is on the verge of a meltdown, hasn’t taken a nap, or doesn’t play well with others then you probably shouldn’t take him out to eat. Your kid’s small window before they erupt like a volcano is not your waitress’ emergency. She should not be expected to bend time in order to keep the peace. This is your responsibility. Also, if the kids have made a big mess, tip accordingly.
Article comments
1 - alessandro Nicolo
Move over, Baldassare Castiglione!
Just want to play devil's advocate. My wife and I happen to be one of those overly polite and patient couple. Unfortunately, our good naturedness is often not reciprocated. Even when the waiter fails to perform the basics like provide bread and water (and it has happened. More often than I care to tolerate) we remain calm even though we shouldn't be. Worse, my wife insists on leaving a healthy tip EVEN WHEN NOT TREATED RIGHT! Nothing worse than feeling like the waiter/tress is doing you a favor. My wife - God bless her - is constantly putting herself in people's shoes. It's what keeps her honest. I on the other hand have my limits. We all have bad days but we also all need to be professional.
Anyway, I agree. Respect - because I think it comes down to this - is a two-way street.
2 - sean Paul Mahoney
Allesandro, I totally agree with you. I think snobby servers who act like they are doing you a favor simply by showing up for work are the worst! But as a service to yourselves and other patrons speaking up seems essential. Tell a manager or owner if you're unhappy. It may change the way they do business or it may not. Either way you've said your peace.
3 - Martin Snytsheuvel
Sean, your 5 points are very interesting insight to the diners of the new millennium.
1. The world is not your living room. You are so right about Cell phone etiquette which should be expanded to other areas in life than a restaurant. But in this context alone you wrote, “diners around you aren’t too thrilled about it either. Take a ten-minute Blackberry detox. Turn your phone off. Enjoy your meal. If you are incapable of this than you should order in”
2. If you’re hungry now, don’t go to a restaurant that has a wait. You say, “Instead, have a light snack before attending a busy establishment or go somewhere less hip where you can get a table right away.” I agree but it does have to be said that just because THEY work for a living it is not a situation where the wait staff be allowed to not give prompt courteous service. I.e. The patron should be acknowledged within a few minutes of being seated, the beverages should come in a timely manner, if bread or other complimentary delights are served before the meal they also should also be served in a timely manner, all glasses should not bottom out before being asked to refill, and finally if you are hungry like crazy to which many of us go to a restaurant in the first place ask for a nice appetizer straight away even before giving the main order. It will make the check larger which is better for a increasing the size of the tip and also makes you more patient before asking “where is my meal”…
3. The kids aren’t all right. Your quote, “Not surprisingly, well-behaved kids in restaurants are a rarity.” Hmmm I take exception to that one. I think there are two important elements here. One is the establishment you choose and the experience of the children in the type establishment you choose. If you typically do not take your children to gourmet restaurants well then I would expect thereto be potential issues on the time it takes to get served and the whole quality environment is where a child needs to behave and act accordingly. My children which are still pre teen have been exposed to quality restaurants from a very early age and I am proud to say can order themselves and know why there is so many forks and knives on the table. On the other hand when we eat at a Buffet like Mandalay Bay in Las Vegas or a pizza place like Pistol Petes or Chuckie Cheese or even Wendy’s the whole Family becomes very casual and yes manners are lax. Cell Phone usage apparent, maybe some running around and a little controlled chaos at times…
4. The busboy is king. Hmmm OK, Not sure about that one. I care to notice and expect more from the Matre D and the Wait staff. I don’t really notice the busboy, especially if he is doing his job well.
5. When all else fails, remember the Golden Rule. Absolutely, you are so right here Sean, especially when you quote this, “Treating others in a way you would like to be treated is the most effective way to get better service.” A good tip, especially at an establishment you may frequent doesn’t hurt either. I have found wait staff are like elephants when it comes to tip memory.
I personally enjoy eating out and trying numerous cuisines whenever possible with my family. I have also shared these special eating experiences with my children who have realized at an early age that there is more to eat than Burgers, pizzas, and hot dogs. Especially when we as a family travel abroad I am so impressed by my kids not only to act responsibly and courteous in a restaurant setting but try {maybe not always enjoy} the local entrees of that city or country.
4 - bethany
I am wondering what the protocol is on reading, or writing for that matter, in a restaurant or bar type establishment if it is not busy and you are just quietly keeping to yourself and enjoying a drink or a meal. Does it largely depend on the style of the place, pub atmosphere etc. or should I just go to a coffeeshop/stay at home? It is nice to get out because I have trouble focusing at home sometimes when there are other things to do, laundry, etc.
5 - sean paul mahoney
Bethany, people like you are a servers dream! You are rarely demanding, you have something to keep you busy and in general solo diners are excellent tippers! So grab that book and go out to eat. Fine dining restaurants are tougher for these activities as the food is generally center stage but casual places in non-peak hours (4pm-7pm) are perfect!