Rachael Ray has grown from cooking show host to full-blown media icon. She now has four shows on the Food Network (30 Minute Meals, $40 a Day, Inside Dish, Tasty Travels), over 10 cookbooks, a new magazine, and plans for her own daytime talk show via the unlimited powers of Oprah. Now this is not the first time someone has grown to have such sway over the masses. After all, if the aforementioned Oprah mentions how soothing a certain bath tissue is when she has chafe-ass, that brand would be sold-out across America the next day. In the case of Ray however, there is evidence that something much more devious is unfolding. That’s right; I am talking about the Apocalypse. Beyond the perky persona and frantic body language, the signs are all there.
Exhibit A:
RR mentions extra-virgin olive oil gratuitously on her show, but always refers to it as E.V.O.O. Now you might say “So what, stupid!? What’s wrong with saving time with shortcuts?” Well first of all, there is no reason to be rude, and second, I have discovered that E.V.O.O. is actually a reference to EVOO, the five-headed beast of the apocalypse. With every utterance, she is actually invoking a ritual to summon the creature into our world. I present this ancient druidic cave drawing as proof.
(Ah, those druids. Even in ancient times, man was capable of such stunning depiction.)
RR is also known to chant certain other phrases such as “Yum-O!” and “That’s Delish!” She also uses extreme hand gestures when she talks. Are these phrases more demonic spells? Are these hand movements somehow part of the ultimate ritual to dominate our minds? No, in this case she is just annoying. One theory is that she consumed the soul of Barney and absorbed his powers.
Exhibit B:
Even fans of hers admit that when they attempt to replicate her “30 minute meals,” it ends up taking much longer to complete, up to two hours. This can be explained by the fact that Rachael Ray films all of her shows from her 7th lair of hell. As we all know, time moves much slower in hell so as to properly torture the damned. This provides Ray the ability to accomplish a lot more in what translates to only a half hour of our earthly time. It also saves money since one doesn't need to pay a gas bill when your cook top is powered by anguish pumped directly from the River of Souls.
Article comments
— go to most recent comments1 - Mark Saleski
THAT...was funny!
p.s. (i love rachael ray)
2 - Madeline
That was freaking hilarious. Almost got me into trouble laughing out loud at work.
3 - Resident Gamer
LOL! You guys are to funny!!!
4 - big anthony
so true!
5 - diana hartman
excellent nicholas, just so funny!
6 - Victor Lana
The only woman who scares me more than Rachel Ray is Hillary Clinton (or is that Katie Couric?)
7 - LMH
Hysterical! I love it and hate Rachael Ray! This article made me scared to live in a world with Rachael Ray in it.
8 - Amanda
So cruel. I like Rachael.
9 - jerry breitinger
The thing I hate most about Rachael's 30 minute
meals is when she overuses the words, "Cool and "Awesome" plus everything she says over and over.
10 - blbnoptozyzt
you are soo mean >:(
11 - ~Shannon~
you guys are so mean, and it says that "personal attacks are not allowed" if this article wasnt personal then my name is Wilka Wonkey!!!
12 - Nicholas Bowman
You are right Shannon. Personal attacks are not allowed...unless it's a flip'n joke! Or you can look at it this way: I am not going to change the minds of anyone who likes her, and I am advertising her books. I'm just giving her further exposure that can only help her.
13 - guadalupe
I watched Rachael Ray all the time and I find her very entertaining! I think people who are so negatives toward her are just losers! And you whoever you are calling her names should be ashamed of youself!
14 - Nicholas Bowman
Some people just take life too seriously.
15 - NR Davis
An opinion to which you are entitled. Here is another: Too many don't take things seriously enough.
That said, Rachael Ray is a public figure. Additionally, this article clearly is designated as "satire." And it is - IMO - hilarious (and this comes from someone who doesn't hate the perky cook).
If you don't mind, I'd like to add another exhibit: The Devil tends to work incrementally in order to gain a gradual - but eventually total - grip on control. First we had "30 Minute Meals." In time, "$40 a Day" and "Inside Dish" followed. Then came "Tasty Travels," the scary Oprah news, and then the revamp of Food TV's late-night slate, which dumped the classic Japanese "Iron Chef" (perhaps temporarily, but who knows?) to give Ray more airtime (and probably to allow more attention to go to its inferior "Iron Chef America."
This is more than wrong. It's EVIL!
Perhaps when Ray is immersed in her new talk show, she'll ease up at Food TV and we will get Chairman Kaga and his Tetsujin back. But I doubt it: Given her history, I expect, Ray will double her airtime at FTV *and* succeed wildly in daytime terrestrial TV *and* publish a gazillion more cookbooks. Most people would be satisfied with one show or two. Hell, there are people with almost nothing and no hope of EVER seeing the kind of success the celebrity cook enjoys who would be grateful! Not Rachael Ray. But then, she is no ordinary mortal, is she?
[THEME FROM THE EXORCIST COMES IN, SWELLS, FADEOUT]
16 - michael
"Hey thats not nice" I come home to a good dinner everynite from work since my wife started to wacth rachel ray now i dont have to get a divorce!!!!lol
17 - Engelball humpydick
Rachael Ray is a woman?
I thought she was a 10 year-old boy. Well, a 10 year-old boy with a bubble butt, but that chest..........(shudder)
Oh, Miz Ray is actually a minion of Nyarlathotep and not Lucifer. Get it right.
18 - JustOneMan
lol...
19 - james luzar
Hey Rachel,
With all your travel and all your cash, learn (and learn others) how to tip. If you came to my bar, I'd toss you!!!!
20 - MARC SIMBROW
DEAR RACHAEL,
I AM A GENTLEMAN I WILL BE ALWAYS BE POLITE KIND MY DAD TAUGHT ME WELL RESPECT OTHER PEOPLE HE WAS SO RIGHT DIED OF CANCER IF HE WAS ALIVE HE U ARE A BEAUTIFUL WOMEN I LIKE UR HAIR EYES SMILE. I HAVE BEEN WATCHING UR COOK SHOW IT IS VERY INTERESTING. RACHAEL MAY I PLS CONGRADULATE U ON UR NEW TALK SHOW I WISH U GOOD LUCK.
21 - Da' girl
ROTFLMAO I absolutely love her spunk. If we all could only take life as spunky as she. If the ediot that wrote this interview thinks shes fat he must be a blimp. Bullys will always be bullys. And the ediot that wrote such harsh words is an ediot. Just think if there was an interview as such. If I were her I would of responded the same way. So I would be LMAO to say to her good for you girl. Hey I like to see a picture of the person that wrote such nonsence of what he's calling satire so I could make a bully out of myself and slam him. Come on Nick put your mug up for me.
22 - Nicholas Bowman
Da'girl: "Just think if there was an interview as such. If I were her I would of responded the same way."
So...you would have responded by transforming into the devil's trueform? I dont know if you fully understand what I wrote.
Calling her fat was one very small part of the piece. Most of it was the derivative portrayal of a souless corporate icon being literally demonic. I just had to throw the one fat comment in there because she looks so much like she's made out of hotdog meat.
BTW, I dont have any pics of myself but I'll tell ya I am actually very very thin. Some would say too thin. Oh, and I have a large nose. There ya go. Slam on me, sista.
23 - Da' girl
Ok , Well pinocchio.. Since your sounding a little wooden with no heart. And the only thing I could think of that might have a big nose,Hey you called it I didn't . Hotdog nose to be exact. Allow me to pull your stings a little more. Your still and ediot, Not idiot.
And BTW I;m not your sista, Oh how RUDE !!!! LOL. Hey this is all in the fun of satire right ?
Also BTW, Calling Rachael Ray the devil and that shes one of the many out there trying to transform people by throwing out EVOO as and demonic over throw of the world.. COME ON.
DO you REALLY realise how rediculouse that sounds.
OOOOOOOOOOOOOuuuuuuu Rachael Rays trying to take over the world with word abv's. Look out world. Still ROTFLMAO ... AT YOU pinocchio.Oh wait with that hotdog nose of yours .. Remember people he called the nose.. If it looks like a hotdog nose it must be taking over the world.
24 - Nicholas Bowman
Are you coming on to me?
25 - Da' girl
Coming on to you!!.. No fool. Blahhhhhhhh don't make me barf.
Whats a matter trying to switch around all the satire I have ready to throw at you about yourself.