It's not just liquor; my house does not contain any alcoholic beverages at all.
This was a decision by my wife and I from the time we were married. Outside the house I would have maybe one beer and one glass of wine every 12 months or so.
When our first daughter turned 2 years old I gave that up, too. Parents set a very important example for their children and we wanted to set an example of a good life that did not require alcohol to have "fun" or to be "happy" or even to "celebrate" things.
Neither of us passed any judgment on others we knew (whether members of a Christian church or not) who either had a beer or glass of brandy once in a while. That was their decision but, if they came to our house for dinner and brought a bottle of wine along as a gift, we would quietly thank them but explain our household policy without seeming to be critical of their own.
Today, the newpaper printed the results of a national survey made by the American Medical Association. It is a very small sample (701 U.S. Teens) so I would not be comfortable describing the survey as "authoritative." Even so, the figures were very interesting:
In response to a question concerning where & how they, as teens, get alcohol....
At a party: 80%
From their home (w/out parents' knowledge): 67%
From relatives or a sibling older than 21: 65%
From someone else's parent(s): 40%
Using a fake ID: 36%
From their parents (w/their parents' knowledge): 32%
It seems to me that having alcohol sitting around your house will all too often wind up being too big a temptation for many teens to walk away from.
If a person has a genetic predisposition to alcohol addiction, a few drinks at a young age could lead quickly to a life of misery. Even one overdone binge with parents out of the house could lead to serious threats to both health and life.
My wife and I decided that it would be better to remove that temptation from our home, at least as long as our children were growing up. Our oldest is now 23 and can choose to buy or not to buy alcohol on her own as an adult. Daughters number 2 & 3 are 19 and 16.
Perhaps the day will come when I will share a beer or a glass of wine with one or more of my daughters. Should such a day ever come, they would have learned long before that it wasn't something I needed to have in order to enjoy life.
Article comments
— go to most recent comments1 - Mark Sahm
Very responsible of you, BOP. But don't you ever have any adult parties at your house? No wine to serve to friends?
For me, that would be like taking away a source of entertainment and/or enjoyment. I guess it's yet another reason why I don't have kids!
2 - JR
No alcohol or kids in my place.
I'm really boring.
3 - Tube Pinoy
My father had about one drink a year, if that. He had a full liquor cabinet for his guests yet had a great deterrent. A big old padlock. I commend you for your rules. It is YOUR house.
4 - Al Barger
I appreciate the intention of responsibility, but I think this is misguided. Making quite such a big deal of the tee-totaling sets up a big taboo begging to be broken.
In my experience as a teenager lo those many years ago, some of the worst behavior came from the good Pentecostal or Baptist kids who had a big bugaboo about the forbidden fruit.
Whereas, a glass of wine with our spaghetti and a couple of beers with the old man while sitting safe at home provided a model of normalcy and moderation. Plus, there was just no teen rebellion against Daddy based on booze.
When you go setting up stuff like that "you don't need booze to have fun" as an argument against having even a couple of beers now and again, you're really granting alcohol much more power than it actually has.
5 - Bob A. Booey
Booze isn't a big deal, but I always secretly thought the parents who bought us booze in high school were the lamest of the lame. Think Amy Poehler's character from Mean Girls, the mom who tries to be your best friend to the point where they have no credibility as authority figures. Parents who condone binge drinking are unfit to have children and are children themselves.
I'm having nightmares thinking about that dinner table in Kentucky. Someday, you'll have a family of your own to lecture at the dinner table, my brave Senator. Keep dreaming the dream.
Does anyone actually think that people who go out of their way to proclaim their "normalcy" are ever normal?
When I think of Senator Al Barger, the first words that come to mind are "normalcy" and "moderation." Apparently, the voters of Indiana agreed as well.
That is all.
6 - Bob A. Booey
I should amend that.
A little booze isn't a big deal, but alcoholism that runs within families is responsible for misery than almost anything else in American families. That's a big deal for sure.
That is all.
7 - Lee Richards
Thoughtful and insightful comments. More parents should make lifestyle decisions based on what's best for their children, family life and home stability.
Alcoholism is a tragedy that has probably touched everyone in America, through family members or friends with serious drinking problems. It's worthwhile advice that if you don't drink, don't start.
In much of the world, though, wine and/or beer are considered part of a meal-an enjoyable foodstuff, not substances to abuse. And two physicians-a cardiologist and an opthamologist- have recommended to me red wine in moderation for specific health reasons.
8 - Purple Tigress
Some people can have an adult party without alcohol of any kind.
As a non-drinker, I have been at parties where some people needed alcohol to be able to socialize or get up and dance or sing. I learned to socialize with people without the help of alcohol and I learned to relax without alcohol.
I don't think I lead a boring life. When I have people over, I don't serve wine or any type of alcohol.
I have also seen how people are when they drink and it isn't always pretty. I also went to friend's houses when their families gave parties and the adults were tipsy. Also not pretty.
As for rebellion, drinking isn't the only way to rebel and I don't think teenage rebellion is something that has to happen.
I think by explaining his policy to his guests (in a manner that was described as non-judgmental) and by standing his ground, Bird of Paradise taught his daughters much more than that one can relax and have fun without alcohol. I feel that he taught them that it is OK to be different and to be clear about one's beliefs.I also think it must make the girls feel sort of special, that their parents would change their lifestyles for them.
9 - Bob A. Booey
Do you get that alcohol flush thing, Tigress? Where you turn red when you drink?
Just curious.
That is all.
10 - Tube Pinoy
I should clarify, my father didn't need to have the alcohol but it was there as an option. He never forced anything on anyone but just kept it there to be polite and hospitable, always looking out for his friends. My dad had his rules and you have yours, Bird of Paradise. Like I said, it's YOUR house. More power to you.
11 - Victor Lana
Bird,
You have every right to run your house whatever way you want. It seems very responsible and wise.
I come from an Italian family, and drinking wine with meals is like putting gravy on mashed potatoes in other families. It was never a BIG deal and no one ever got drunk. Glass of wine for adults; nothing for kids. When we got older, we had our glass of wine too. Until this day I like a glass of wine with a bowl of pasta. It's in my blood.
Sometimes I think that when something is made so taboo (as I saw in my friends' families) that the kids wanted it more. The locked cabinets and hidden bottles tend to make kids become little detectives and safe crackers.
My daughter sees me drink my glass of wine with dinner and it's no big deal. The BIG deal part I think is the problem part.
12 - Temple Stark
>>I always secretly thought the parents who bought us booze in high school were the lamest of the lame.
That's a different situation - and they were.
Seesm like it is settign yourself up for a future "forbidden fruit situation."
Of course that all depends on how good you are as parents in other areas.
There was alcohol at my parent's place. Never saw either drunk. i did start drinking from alcohol that while they were away.
Then when I was 18 I moved back here to America and couldn't legally drink for three years. That was a ridiculous situation.
And does drink have anything to do with Christianity? It was mentioned in your post and while everything in excess shows a lack of willpower, there's nothing religious about not-drinking is there?
Just curious 'cause there's a certain Catholic ceremony which comes to mind....
13 - Nancy
I dimly remember a really interesting article on research connecting alcohol tolerance (i.e. low alcoholism rates) with length of time alcoholic beverages had been available to the population. Italy, China, the middle eastern countries, the incidences of alcoholism were lowest - and of course, they are exactly the places where the stuff has been around literally for millenia.
14 - Bob A. Booey
Nancy, are you hot smart or like crazy smart?
And are you a mortician or in forensics?
Just checking.
That is all.
15 - Bird of Paradise
I want to thank each of you for taking the time to read my thoughts and leave a comment. First, being a Christian should not necessarily be a factor in whether a person chooses to drink or not. Scripture tells us not to be "drunk with wine." A culture where having wine (or beer) with a meal is viewed as no different tha putting gravy on the mashed potatos sounds like a wonderful place to be!
Unfortunately, I do not live in Italy, (=where I remember being served the "wine of the day" (probably literally having been made that day!) in what looked like a soda bottle!
Nor did I grow up in either Germany or The Netherlands (which produce the best beer in the world...by far! Why can't anyone else match it?)
In American, alcohol is abused almost as a right of passage. Young people are more prone to binging and getting drunk out of sheer idleness, peer pressure, depression or boredom. Consider the "rot gut" that most Americans drink and that should tell us all that the interest is far more in the alcohol than in the taste!
I vividly recall our church organist when I was in college. He was an accomplished musician who held a good job at an insurance company. Our choir director (one of my best friends) gave the organist a bottle of wine for Christmas one year. What he didn't know was that the man was an alcoholic who had, through sheer will power, avoided drinking any alcohol for many years. The single, well-intentioned bottle of wine did him in. After finishing it off he bought another and another. Eventually he was released as our organist and was fired from his job.
I vowed that I would never offer a drink to anyone....especially someone I did not know intimately.
Many people have become alcoholics because they had one drink of the stuff.
But I am not aware of anyone who became an alcoholic while NOT having one drink of it!
My children know this, too. Yet they also know that it is only a "forbidden fruit" until they turn 21. And they know that if they then choose to drink wine with their meals (as my sister does) or enjoy a cold beer on a hot, summer day (as my brother does from time to time) that I will not condemn them for it any more than I condemn or criticize my sister or brother for it (which, of course, I don't).
I think I like Tube Pinoy's comment best...."It's YOUR house!" Yep....and your house is YOURS! Cheers!
16 - Paul Roy
The only reason alchohol is a problem with teenagers is because it is so taboo here. You don't see the big problems with binge drinking in places like Spain and Italy, where there is virtually no (illegal) drinking age. They can actually go to a bar and nurse a drink for a couple of hours, where the Americans are stumbling around like drunken idiots after doing shots.
17 - Bird of paradise
Paul, Booze is not a problem in America because it is taboo. It is taboo because it has been such a problem. Prohibition came about because of the massive social problems of abuse, poverty, family abandonment, etc. that were caused by alcoholism. The fact that enough people and state legislatures agreed with that assessment to cause them to pass the 18th Amendment should be evidence that this was true. Of course the extreme nature of that amendment resulted in massive criminal organizations emerging and massive violations of the law that were such a burden to prosecute that the experiment had to be abandoned.
The American demand and insatiable urge to drink alcoholic beverages (the response to prohibition is a good example) would not indicate that folks wanted a little wine with their meal in the evening. For far too many Americans, drinking was, and is, a psychological compulsion that far exceeds any desire to choose either to drink in moderation or not to drink alcohol at all.
I suppose, by your argument, that cocaine, crack, ice, LSD, heroin, etc (let's leave the marijuana matter aside for a moment) are problems because they have been declared taboo.
I'm sorry, the addictive culture of the United States, and the overwhelming evidence of medicine, sociology, psychology and the lessons of history, simply do not support your premise. I wish they did...but they don't.
18 - Eric Olsen
I can see both sides of the argument. I drank far too much in my 20s and had to stop completely. After about 7 years I very gingerly began to have the occasional drink, and other than a few aberrant freak outs, like my bachelor party, I haven't had a problem since. I think in my case it became a habit, and habits are powerful things. It did not turn out to be a chemical problem. I think a lot of people who are categorized as alcoholic could drink sensibly and in moderation, but they have to break the habit first.
As far as kids go, I think example is the most powerful tool.
19 - Bird of Paradise
I decided to do a little research on alcoholism in France, etc. At this site research is quoted stating that between 10% (low estimate) and 15% (high estimate) of French citizens "are at medical, psychological and social risk through excessive alcohol consumption" or "are considered as heavy drinkers."
In the United States the figures range from 6% reporting "heavy use in the past month" (here) to 7% "heavy drinking" (here) Granted, the comparison is apples and oranges statistically, but you get the idea. Curiously, in the United States the younger you are, the more you drink and, surprisingly, the more educated you are, the more you drink. The largest group of "abstainers" are men and women over 60 years old with less than a high school education!
I believe similar stats will come up from Germany and Italy and Spain, too. In these countries, heavy drinking is generally done in the home so is not seen as often in public. Anyone who has travelled to Russia (as I did while it was still the Soviet Union) have seen what a social problem alcoholism is there!
France, by the way, has close to the highest per capita consumption of alcohol in Europe, over 13 litres of pure alcohol (ethanol) per person per year. According to the World Health Organization, this compares with 12.5 litres in Germany, 9.2 litres in Italy, 11.2 litres in Spain, and 9% in the United States.
Hic....So much for the "social drinking/low alcoholism rates in the 'old country'" theories.
20 - Al Barger
Bird, I'm all understanding about your personal space with the hooch. However, you're going to start getting into a whole bunch of other issues with "I suppose, by your argument, that cocaine, crack, ice, LSD, heroin, etc (let's leave the marijuana matter aside for a moment) are problems because they have been declared taboo."
Not because they're "taboo" but because they are illegal contraband. The criminal black markets for the drugs are worse than the drugs themselves.
Plus, you're lumping a bunch of stuff in there together arbitrarily. For one thing, is LSD a problem? Were psychedelics ever any significant problem? I say no.
Governments demagogues spreading Reefer Madness style propaganda and shredding the Constitution to fight a "war on drugs" however HAS been a significant problem.
21 - LegendaryMonkey
Just noticed this on the editor's picks (congrats!) and thought I would weigh in with something here.
Both of my parents are alcoholics. My mother has gotten her issues largely under control, though her husband, my stepfather, still drinks heavily as a regular thing. My father is in prison largely due to his inability to control himself while drinking. He has been gone for several years, and several more will pass before he is released.
Due to my parents' issues with liquor, I was raised by my legal guardian, my paternal grandmother, who was an alcoholic of the worst sort -- she hid bottles of cheap vodka around the house and refused to admit her problem, or that she was even drinking.
Drinking was the one thing I didn't do much of as a teenager, nor now. This isn't to say I don't get smashed at the occasional party with trusted friends and a designated driver, but that's a once-yearly or so occasion. Now, I rebelled as a teen in other ways, don't get me wrong... I was hardly a good girl. But being around so many alcoholics as a child and teenager, and having it nearly destroy my own life because of them, made me NOT want to drink.
Thank god, it isn't always genetic. I can have one drink and stop, satisfied.
Whereas my husband, raised in a home that sounds much like BoP's, is only now, at 31 years old, testing the waters, and drinks responsibly when he does indulge.
What's the point of this discussion?
I'm not sure it matters so much WHAT you do. I admire the effort, BoP, but raising children who are capable of thinking for themselves will, in my opinion as a non-parent but so recently a child, be more effective than anything else you can do. Not to say that I don't agree with your decision -- I think it's great.
But it will only go so far if your children are not raised to be individuals and to understand that they don't have to do something just because everyone else does it, too.
22 - Phillip Winn
I grew up among teetotalling fundamentalist Christians, and based only on my personal observation, children raised in such an environment are at least as likely to engage in binge drinking and sneaking around drinking and similar activities as those who are not. I want to say they are much more likely to do so, but I'm trying to be generous. It may only be slightly more likely.
It is in our human nature to desire most those things we are most strictly forbidden. It is the very difficult task of parents to determine what is foreboding enough that it can be strictly forbidden without becoming too desirable (say, walking on the freeway), and what is innocuous enough that it need not be strictly forbidden at all, despite the parents possible desire that the child stay away (say, eating sugary foods in moderation). Where does drinking moderately fall on that scale?
One common theme I have heard from young adults who grew up in strict teetotaler homes (for reglious reasons) is that they were all led to believe that a drink or two would result in out-of-control behavior, embarrassment, crime, and so on. It's pretty easy to see what such prohibitions are ineffectual, since anybody can look around and spot many users of alcohol that do not drink to excess.
If you can lead your children away from drinking without setting up a false impression of what moderate drinking is, then more power to you. If your instructions to your children about drinking are full of warnings, though, I'll tell you now: you're probably wasting your time.
And if you smoke or are very overweight or abuse any other substance, that's the sort of hypocrisy kids smell for miles away.
23 - Eric Olsen
"Liquor? I hardly know her."
24 - Al Barger
Phil hits at exactly a kind of thing that will cause problems: "One common theme I have heard from young adults who grew up in strict teetotaler homes (for reglious reasons) is that they were all led to believe that a drink or two would result in out-of-control behavior, embarrassment, crime, and so on."
Then once you give in to temptation for a couple of beers, well then, it's ON. That kind of thinking is a perfect prescription for foolish binge behavior.
25 - Temple Stark
BoP, the discussion continues and as LM said, an editor's pick of the week. Click HERE to find out why.
Thank you for the writing.