Peter Jones’ central London coffee shop in Sloane Square is offering up a new and rare pick-me-up, perhaps to counter the depressing feelings one might get from reading about all the riots caused by the global food shortage.
This upscale, $100 cup of coffee, an exclusive blend of Jamaican Blue Mountain and the Kupi Luwak bean, is harvested from a cat’s ass. Not just any cat, mind you—a palm civet. This Indonesian creature is a cross between a cat and a monkey. That makes it all better.
The civets eat the beans, but can’t digest them. They can only digest the fruit pulp of the soft coffee cherries. The beans themselves are deposited on the forest floor. From here they are pulled from the cat’s dung by entrepreneurial plantation workers who know just how pretentious and gullible some westerners are; 
enough so to pay for and drink something my teenage daughter has dubbed “Catpooccino.” She further suggested the word be pronounced with a French accent, “making it more marketable in the United States.”
Peter Jones boasts that proceeds from the sale of the brew are going to a cancer charity. Wouldn’t something in the gastrointestinal disease arena be more appropriate?
More incredulous than the jutted java are the comments made by some of those all too willing to part ways with their money.
I was a little apprehensive before I tried it but I actually really liked it. It was very earthy and it tastes very smooth.That apprehensiveness can be attributed to the evolutionary instinct to avoid shit - no matter how pretty the platter upon which it is served.
It is a delicacy so I can definitely see someone wanting to pay £50 for this, perhaps for a present.”Present”? Doesn’t this person mean “prank” - as in the bag of flaming poo many of us left on the doorstep of our nemesis?
"We wanted to give our customers a really special experience," a Peter Jones’ spokesman was heard to say. Indeed you have. Next on the menu: thé Pee féline (cat pee tea).
Cheers!
Article comments
1 - Alexandria Jackson
Unbelievable! And yet, so very believable.
I love the name Catpooccino.
Merde du Chat (pronounced "mairdusha")Cafe also has a nice ring.
I need to invent something disgusting that sounds high-brow so people can throw away their money in my direction.
2 - Marlon
Once I stop laughing I plan to open a franchise.
What was it P.T. Barnum said?
3 - Ruvy
Once I stop laughing I plan to open a franchise.
Me too!! I know a whole bunch of trendy intellectuals in Tel Aviv and Jerusalem who badly need a cup of "coffee" that sells for NIS 400!
Where do I go to
crap out the moneypurchase the franchise??(Naturally, I'll be ordering coffee out for me and the crew....)
4 - Ruvy
I still can't stop laughing over this!! It dawned on me that I needn't go all the way to Indonesia to have a civet crap out coffee beans for me. That could get pricey. And if you ask Barack Obama, he'll tell you they're all Moslems over there. They may not want to do business with a yid with a lid.
My tan cat can eat coffee "cherries" too, crap it out and we'll just pull it out of his shit! Since he is a light colored cat, we can call it "crappucino light". If I could get our cat to support us in the style we are accustomed, I'd buy him the fanciest cat-food on the planet!!
What could be more just? Ripping off people I can't stand, selling them washed up cat shit for a fortune of money!! The only hard part of it all would be not cackling in their faces as they forked over the 200 shekel notes!!
5 - Joanne Huspek
Eww. I think I'll pass. Catpooccino, indeed!