Home / Suri Cruise: “Funny Looking” But “Doing Great”?

Suri Cruise: “Funny Looking” But “Doing Great”?

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I am no conspiracy theorist, folks, but even I have to wonder about the circumstances surrounding the birth and very early life of Suri Cruise, now almost three-months-old.

Not only have parents Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes kept her hidden her from view – which is just odd, what's the point of having a baby if you aren't going to show perfect strangers her little Festeresque countenance? – but oddities regarding her birth records are puzzling as well.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting The latest intelligence to emerge on the missing Cruiseling is a three-page US magazine spread featuring a pic of Katie sipping coffee with a friend while vacationing in Telluride, Colorado. When asked about Suri by the US photogs, Katie responded cheerfully, "Suri's doing great. She's back at the house."

Tom was nowhere to be seen, but there were reports from locals that a baby was spotted and one clerk at a natural foods store reportedly said the baby (presumed to be Suri) was "funny looking."

Not sure if "funny looking" is meant to mean the baby was "comical" or a bit "off," but considering virtually all newborns are "funny looking," we can only guess at the implications for little Suri. 

As the mother of two children, I am inclined to not entertain other people's idea of what's cute in a baby. All babies are beautiful to their parents and sometimes they are the only ones who think this; but Photobucket - Video and Image Hostingall questionable "funny" business aside, strange goings-on with Suri's birth certificate are a curiosity.

Celebrity sleuths at TMZ did some digging and have discovered some odd irregularities regarding the child's birth records.

Suri was born on April 18, but athough St. John's Hospital has a policy of filing birth certificates within 10 days of birth, the certificate was not filed until May 8, 20 days later.

An official from the hospital said the delay occurred because they "needed a signature from the parents or a representative of the parents" certifying birth, and that person did not come in until May 4. The person who signed is labeled "friend" and the signature is not legible.

It doesn't look anything like "L. Ron," does it?

And while "normally the doctor signs" the certificate, "Anne Heffernan RNC" signed Suri's, though she was not in the delivery room nor did she see the baby.

"Heffernan" – hmm, cows don't play any part in Scientology doctrine, do they, Mulder?

In addition, the hospital rep told TMZ "the circumstances that triggered the eventual signing of the birth certificate were that Suri needed a passport and a birth certificate is a prerequisite to obtaining one."

A-ha! And soylent green is made of people.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting There are many rumors as to why there is so much secrecy surrounding this Hollywood birth, including Suri doesn't exist, Suri is really unattractive, or, worst of all, that Suri is malformed in some way.

I can't imagine she doesn't actually exist, but that doesn't mean Tom and Kate didn't obtain her from somewhere other than Kate's womb. Did I just say that out loud?

Maybe this really is about privacy and the rest is just an odd set of coincidences. There have been mystery Cruise babies before. When Tom was married to Nicole Kidman, their two adopted children weren't photographed until 1996, when son Conor was one and daughter Isabella was three-years-old.

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About Dawn Olsen

  • Eric Olsen

    thanks Dawn, Rosemary’s Baby comes to mind

  • Dawn

    Oh, that’s not nice. Maybe Suri just has a lot of hair. On her head hopefully.

  • Eric Olsen

    so that would be the Suri with the Fringe On Top?

  • Oh, that’s bad, Eric. Just bad…

  • Eric Olsen

    Hi Shannon! I agree, really really bad

  • You don’t know the history of ugly babies. I do.

  • One would have to imagine that there’s some kind of bad pub in the public seeing that baby… which is really really sad, isn’t it?

  • Anyone read how Will Smith and wife Jada came to the Cruise mansion and wanted to see the baby but they blown off by Tom and Will felt insulted and asked: DOES SHE EVEN EXIST MAN?

    Hehe I found that pretty funny too.

    Anyway nice article, really makes me wonder if that baby is real.


  • you guys should be pretty proud of yourselves for making fun of a new born baby and his parents….maybe they want their privacy,at least their not abusing their child like britney spears.

  • lynn

    I agree with gossett Privacy and some parents are very protective Maybe they are like that. Heck every one hears and sees Brad’s baby Kinda boring now. let them come forth when they re ready. and knowing from experience. One is over joyed with the birth of ones child that filing paper work is the last thing on ones mind. So going over the 10 days no big deal. Give them there privacy.

  • I’m sure she’s positively breathtaking!

  • …And that’s a wrap, everybody. Mary wins. See you all next time!

  • Charles Almon

    I’ll bet she looks like Sluggo from the old Nancy comic strip. Who’s Suri now!

  • Heffernan brings to mind The King of Queens. Heh.

    And, she IS a registered nurse midwife. If she didn’t actually attend the birth or see the baby, her signature might only mean she was responsible for the person who did. Still, as a nurse myself, I wouldn’t want to risk my license on something I didn’t personally witness. Most nurse clinicians would also refuse to do so.

  • TonaWanda

    Wow, celebs are one thing, but picking on innocent children who didn’t ask to be born into the life is pretty tacky.

    Sure the parents actions are odd, as is everything Scientology, but leave the kid out of it.

    I have to wonder if you really are a mother of two.

  • duane

    Innocent!? Hah! Innocent, my eye. You should get a load of this kid. Selfish as all hell, constantly crying and whining over this or that. Just laying around the house not lifting a finger to help out. Too lazy or spoiled or something to get up and go to the bathroom. Overeats and pukes all over everything. Eating disorder anyone? Probably obsessing over her weight. So Hollywood. Sleeps all the time, content to freeload off the parents. Another typical self-centered rich kid who thinks the world should be served up on a silver platter. Innocent … bah!

  • duane, babies live to puke; it is their only real physical activity beside screaming…and well, ‘making pants’ – you know – when it’s time to change the Pampers…

  • suraiya

    Let them be for God’s sake!

  • Barb

    I think they’re geniuses. By not showing the baby they’re creating interest, questions about them and the baby thus increasing their box office bankability.

  • I honestly wish TomKat would go eat shit and die.

    Tom Cruise’s talent doesn’t live up to his celebrity–and poor Katie Holmes needs to be set free.

  • robert

    who the fuck cares anyways?? they’re celebrities, so what? does that give any of you the right to know ANYTHING about their personal lives?

  • There are plenty of celebrities who live very private lives, because they choose not to plaster themselves over the public consciousness via every means imaginable. So, Cruise and Holmes have managed to perk the interest of the public what with the hopping on Oprah’s couch and interviews and carefully engineered photo ops, etc. etc. Now that interest is perked, it’s natural for that curiosity to extend to the whereabouts of the uber-couple’s child, isn’t it?

  • my interest in suri was perked, until i started seeing that Taylor Hicks ford ad. now i’m just dying to know what these “possibilities” are all about.

  • When people do bizarre things, other people are going to talk about it whether they are celebrities or not.

    Dawn, you took it too easy on them. Don’t go getting soft on us! =)

  • Texas

    This is why Tom and Katie want privacy. Comments like, “funny looking” is the very reason why I wouldn’t want my kid photographed either.

    Everyone isn’t like Brad and Angelina(home wrecker) and bid their baby’s photo to the higher bidder. I think that was a way to rub it in Jennifer’s face.

  • Star_Gazer

    I read that the license number that was given is not actually the nurses license number. And, the license number on the bc does not belong to anyone. I’m not sure if this is accurate, but IMHO that would be the most damning oddity concerning the bc – the rest of them are relatively minor.

    Another thing that I think reads pretty ridiculously is that they finally filed the bc because Suri needed a passport. How about filing the bc because it is a requirement!

    Duane: I like your assessment of the precious baby Suri. Hollywood kids – sheesh!

  • rob D

    tom cruise is gay. katie is a coverup and they adopted and ethiopian.

  • SaRaH

    If i was an attractive young girl like katie and i made the mistake of sleeping with a lunatic midget like tom i wouldn’t want anyone to see my baby either.

  • Vegassue

    Oh for God’s sake leave it alone. This remonds me of the old Seinfeld shows “about nothing.” Why all the hooplah about a missing baby? Let them have their privacy. If they don’t want the baby photographed, it’s their right. All of this has just focused more media attention on them both. Maybe that was the idea all along. Just let it die!

  • Jolie

    It’s weird that when TomKat are not making the publicity themselves, the media are actually crying for them to make one. Makes one wonder if they had been crucified for something they didn’t intentionally do.

    From what I heard, Chinese people believe to be outside the house in the first 40 or 100 days (not exactly sure) is not good for baby’s health. So this could be another hardcore Scientology thing that the media need to confirm with (why didn’t anyone think of this before?).

    However, I lean more towards the opinion that even though he had jumped the Oprah’s couch, it doesn’t mean he’s dragging the whole entire family into the commotion. Afterall, we know how protective Tom has been about his kids. In fact, before all this overblown craziness, that’s one of the few things we noticed of him.

    So give the poor baby a break! It might be the only time she has before someone eventually steals a super-sekrit-photo of Suri and sells it to the tabloid.

  • CJ

    Hopefully after all the hype that the baby is okay and that there is nothing wrong. People should be cognizent of the fact that some people are very very protective.

  • brooke

    Actually i don’t know why it’s considered “odd” that they don’t want everyone gawking at their damn child. Despite the fact that they’re celebrities, they still have the right to keep portions of their lives private. And IF Suri does have some type of physical problem well then that just goes to show that celebrities don’t have perfect children or lives, as we are so prone to think.

  • no matter what the kid is richer than any of you and the kid can’t even talk yet

  • Dawn

    Heck, not only is the kid richer than I am, but probably more articulate too!

  • Interesting, with all the ‘wailing’ about privacy, and protection of the children, and the posts damning folks for their curiousity, still they read and still they post.

    There is a report that TomKat turned down a mag spread because they were only offerred $3mil and the Jolie-Pitt got $4mil. Word was TomKat was insulted.


    Scientology. Bah HumBug.

  • LRM216

    No matter what this innocent little new life looks like or doesn’t look like – what does it matter. Her parents will love her no matter what. And to the person that stated (if in fact it was even really said) that Suri was “funny looking” – shame on you. None of us get to choose what our babies are going to look like. I just pray that Tom and Katie were blessed with a healthy, thriving child, as we all wish to have but not all of us are lucky enough to get.

  • Lauren

    I just don’t get it… this is the couple that plastered themselves everywhere while dating and while Katie was pregnant…well looked pregnant but I thought at the time it looked kinda fake…and they won’t show their kid to the whole world after they acted up to the birth?? It’s strange, and I am beginning to believe these conspiracy theories.

  • duane

    FEMA is behind the whole coverup. And you didn’t hear it from me.

  • Tom

    I can’t stand it anymore ! Here people !
    Here’s my funny looking baby !


  • duane

    Yep, that’s her. The little brat.

    And another thing (picking up where I left off in #16). You can’t understand a damn word she says. Always babbling and gurgling like she expects her parents to learn her language … if it is a language. Who can tell? Such a lack of consideration. What happened to the good ole common courtesy of speaking English? This is America, leastways it was last time I stuck my head outside the trailer. And she always need to be the center of attention, too. And don’t even get me started on attention span. Jesus Christ. Kids these days. It’s those galldurned video games, I tell ya. Why, when I was a kid … oh, nevermind. I gotta find me my bottle of pepto.

  • Mr. Cruise is very concerned about several issues: one, he is afraid that his child will be very short, and two, he is afraid that the Scientology community is going to implant her with their latest chip technology and he hasnt ok’d it yet.

  • Very good; so that damnable FEMA organization is fucking up again; so typical; and duane – I know you are a good source for that, you stellar dude -but Davie J. fuck !!! going on the height issue…. That is so not fair to address the child because she might be height compromised like her Dad (which is why he goes for tall chicks – you know in genetics Mothers pass to Sons…yadayada) is just wrong. Shame on you sir. 😉 LOL

  • Nan H

    Speaking of old Seinfield shows, what about the one on the ugly baby. (Also known as the shrinkage show.) Anyway, the group goes out to see Elaine’s friend’s baby because the house is in the Hamptons and they want to go there. However, when they see the baby, each and every person made a horrible face. I personally saw a baby like that. I watched the poor mom carry it around work and I knew where they were by the silence in the room, who knew what to say! So, I say they are just waiting for craddle cap and flaky skin and some other icky things to go away and then on Oprah they will lower the basket down from above and “ta da” there will be Suri.

  • Jewel, you are funny! good one, thanks

  • Video of the birth of Suri Cruise! See it Here! ……………………… OK that was wrong. 😉

  • Maria

    u kno maybe it would be true that they just want their privacy if they were any other couple..

    But tomkat were practicaly throwing themselves at the media it was like “HEY HEY look at us look we’re pregnant..yea were soooo in love..LOOK at us damn it” It would seem like they would want to show their baby off too

    But who knows maybe there’s some rule against showing off ur baby in sciencetology until they’re a certain age? hmm who knows?

    anyway I think they make a creepy couple and I feel bad for the baby..though she probably will be a brat regardless of circumstances

  • sal m

    those who are critical of dawn for making an issue out of the whereabouts of the baby allegedly made by two celebrities – welcome to planet earth.

    tom cruise has used publicity to forward his career every day of his adult life. he’s always been romantically involved with co-stars – he even has married two of them – including the sham with penelope cruz that was part of the publicity for the putrid vanilla sky.

    he and his then wife nicolle kidman sold their souls to sell their horrible eyes wide shut movie…watching their lack of on-screen chemistry lent credence to the rumors that theirs was strictly a marrage of convenience.

    then cruise goes on oprah and makes a total ass of himself while he was in the phony throes of love over this holmes girl.

    so back to you dawn critics…shut it….you haven’t been paying attention to the world around you, so stop embarrassing yourselves. in a world of celebrity, attention whores, tom cruise is the most whore-ish…this attention paid to his missing child is the price that he’s paying for living his life – and pushing his career – through the media.

  • sal m; finally a voice of intelligence, reason and sanity. Tom might need to go find Michael Jackson. That’s a love match made in Freak Heaven if I ever saw one. Jacko’s not a Scientologist is he???

    Scientology. Bah. humbug.

  • Sal, quit being glib about attention whores.

  • duane

    Jewels said: “sal m; finally a voice of intelligence, reason and sanity.”

    What, yer saying I’m not intela .. umm… intelij … ummm … smart? Is that it little missy?

    I got nuthin to say about this here Tom Caruso charicter and his wife Nicolette Whosis, but lemme tell you a few things about that bratty snotnose kid of theirs. Why, just the other day … oh, nevermind … Ma’s calling me in the TV room for Jepperdy. Not
    smart, huh? Of all the galldurned uppity horsepuckeyed … Dam kids. Brats, I tell ya!

  • duane; of course yer the smertest won of ull.

  • duane

    Eh … tanks little missy. Tanks a lot. You’re not such a bad …


    Gotta go.

  • Eric Olsen

    wow, this story is becoming an evergreen

  • Punkin

    If no one else in the public has seen the baby are we really stupid enough to think they would take Suri to the local grocery? If so, I can promise photos would have been taken since I’m sure the Paprazzi are hiding just about everywhere and watching their EVERY move. It’s just Tom and Katie being ‘crazy’ like always!

  • Terry

    Hey…maybe little Suri didnt turn out as cute as Tom thought she should have, so he is hiding her…till she grows into her looks….that would be right up the little shits alley.

  • Terry

    I agree with #54….there is no way the baby would be toted to the grocery for her first photo op., the paprazzi would have gotten them the VERY SECOND they stepped out the front door at home. I think that Tom is creating a circus around this little baby to keep his name in the mags and on peoples minds….I have never know of a mother who has not wanted to parade her little one around…we are all proud of our off spring, reguardless of how they look….and since Katie is not doting on her 1st born, it does make me wonder if Suri even lives. How sad.

  • it is quite strange after vewiwing the pictures of suri cruise she looks nothing like tom cruise it makes one wonder… did they get her genetically modified because she is a gorgeous baby with amazing jet blue eyes, which i have never seen any real person have and as well… she has dark hair.. most beautiful baby yes.. but tom cruise’s i dont think so… it looks slightly asian… uhoh katie holmes but i think tom will be to crazy to notice

  • Chris Klein

    I think she looks like ME!!! That’s not Tom in those eyes, that’s me! Told you Katie you would be found out!!!

  • The four-months-pregnant actress told Leno that after her doctor showed her an ultrasound, she found out she’s having a boy. “She asked me what I thought I was having and I said a boy,” Pressly said. “She looked at the picture and said, ‘If that’s not a boy that’s a third leg.’ Of course, Eric says its because he’s Cuban.”