Suri Cruise: “Funny Looking” But “Doing Great”?

I am no conspiracy theorist, folks, but even I have to wonder about the circumstances surrounding the birth and very early life of Suri Cruise, now almost three-months-old.

Not only have parents Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes kept her hidden her from view – which is just odd, what's the point of having a baby if you aren't going to show perfect strangers her little Festeresque countenance? – but oddities regarding her birth records are puzzling as well.

The latest intelligence to emerge on the missing Cruiseling is a three-page US magazine spread featuring a pic of Katie sipping coffee with a friend while vacationing in Telluride, Colorado. When asked about Suri by the US photogs, Katie responded cheerfully, "Suri's doing great. She's back at the house."

Tom was nowhere to be seen, but there were reports from locals that a baby was spotted and one clerk at a natural foods store reportedly said the baby (presumed to be Suri) was "funny looking."

Not sure if "funny looking" is meant to mean the baby was "comical" or a bit "off," but considering virtually all newborns are "funny looking," we can only guess at the implications for little Suri. 

As the mother of two children, I am inclined to not entertain other people's idea of what's cute in a baby. All babies are beautiful to their parents and sometimes they are the only ones who think this; but all questionable "funny" business aside, strange goings-on with Suri's birth certificate are a curiosity.

Celebrity sleuths at TMZ did some digging and have discovered some odd irregularities regarding the child's birth records.

Suri was born on April 18, but athough St. John's Hospital has a policy of filing birth certificates within 10 days of birth, the certificate was not filed until May 8, 20 days later.

An official from the hospital said the delay occurred because they "needed a signature from the parents or a representative of the parents" certifying birth, and that person did not come in until May 4. The person who signed is labeled "friend" and the signature is not legible.

It doesn't look anything like "L. Ron," does it?

And while "normally the doctor signs" the certificate, "Anne Heffernan RNC" signed Suri's, though she was not in the delivery room nor did she see the baby.

"Heffernan" – hmm, cows don't play any part in Scientology doctrine, do they, Mulder?

In addition, the hospital rep told TMZ "the circumstances that triggered the eventual signing of the birth certificate were that Suri needed a passport and a birth certificate is a prerequisite to obtaining one."

A-ha! And soylent green is made of people.

There are many rumors as to why there is so much secrecy surrounding this Hollywood birth, including Suri doesn't exist, Suri is really unattractive, or, worst of all, that Suri is malformed in some way.

I can't imagine she doesn't actually exist, but that doesn't mean Tom and Kate didn't obtain her from somewhere other than Kate's womb. Did I just say that out loud?

Maybe this really is about privacy and the rest is just an odd set of coincidences. There have been mystery Cruise babies before. When Tom was married to Nicole Kidman, their two adopted children weren't photographed until 1996, when son Conor was one and daughter Isabella was three-years-old.