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Sunny Brook Greentree and Global Warming

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We’re here today with Sunny Brook Greentree, the all-wise and all-knowing environmental guru who answers questions about the state of our planet. Today we tackle the topic of global warming.

Q: With global warming being such a hot-button issue, the latest global temperature readings are usually big news. Why was it when NASA recently announced that the hottest year on record was 1934, not 1998 like many climatologists and global activists had thought, it wasn’t in front page news?

SBG: It’s really not important if the hottest year on record was 1934, 1998 or 1845. What’s important to remember is that our planet has a fever and we need to make it better.

Q: But we’ve been told that national temperatures are constantly inching their way up and the planet is this close to the point of no return. Don’t you think accurate temperature information is necessary to decide what, if anything, should be done to stop global warming?

SBG: Facts and rational thought are never the best way to solve a problem. The best solution is to act on our emotional impulses and worry about the consequences later. It’s like when I lobbied for government-mandated ethanol usage. Even though forests in Brazil are being destroyed at an accelerated rate so farmers can plant more crops for biofuels, I’m proud that I used all of my emotional energy to push for cleaner-burning gasoline.

Q: A researcher recently discovered a Page 2 headline from the November 2, 1922 edition of the Washington Post that stated: “Arctic Ocean Getting Warm; Seals Vanish and Icebergs Melt.” The article states that “great masses of ice have now been replaced by moraines of earth and stones,” and ”at many points well-known glaciers have entirely disappeared.” Do you think it’s a possibility that the current warming trend is simply a natural occurrence and not man made?

SBG: Do you know if anyone was able to save the seals? I hope so. If only the government had taken action to stop global warming 85 years ago, then Earth would now be like the Garden of Eden. There’d be no urban sprawl, cars or McMansions. But there would be plenty of seals.

Q: Who do you think is the best presidential candidate to fight global warming?

SBG: I really wish Al Gore was running. Have you seen his movie? That guy knows how to scare people into action. If only he had won in 2000, I’m sure global warming would be almost solved by now or at least by the time he left office. That man is in touch with his inner tree.

Q: What do you think is the best way to stop global warming?

SBG: I think the fact that the world cooled a little after the 1930s should tell us something. What was happened in the 1930s? The Great Depression. Massive unemployment may be bad for people’s egos, but it’s great for the planet. Just think of all the factories that weren’t spewing carbon-dioxide into the air or the cars that weren’t in operation. The environment was in much better shape then. So was humanity. They just didn’t know it.

Q: Do you really think that lowering people’s standard of living to Depression-era levels is the best way to stop global warming?

SBG: Well, it’s a start. But we need to go further. We should all live in self-sufficient communities. You know, ones where we grow our own food and make our own granola. Think about it. The majority of people who have been born on this planet lived without cars and electricity. Those are things we really don’t need and that keep us from being closer to nature and the true state of the planet. Most people don’t even know the Earth has a fever because they live in air-conditioned comfort.

Q: Thanks for your time today. Do you have any parting words of environmental wisdom you’d like to share?

SBG: Could you loan me a twenty? I have to pay for carbon offsets for driving my car across town to do this interview.

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About Abel Keogh

  • Boxorox

    Recent research has revealed, though the cause remains unknown, that the worldwide “epidemic” of obesity has more to do with gravity fluctuations of the earth, rather than a true increase of body mass, as has previously been assumed. Studies conducted by MacDonalds, Pizza Hut, and Tasty Kake are making clear that increased mass of the planet itself rather than of its human inhabitants is the cause for what till now had been believed was a relentless increase in average bodyweight among adults and children around the world.

  • I am a regular reader of your article. And I am very impress with your blog upon Global Warming. Now I am also write a blog upon effects and causes of Global Warming. This blog is collection of news & reviews like the study found that global warming since 1985 has been caused neither by an increase in solar radiation nor by a decrease in the flux of galactic cosmic rays. Some researchers had also suggested that the latter might influence global warming because the rays trigger cloud formation.

  • RJ

    EPIC article! 🙂

  • Dr Dreadful

    So this is a satire of the straw man fallacy?

  • Baronius

    Gore’s inner tree – heehee!