In September 2001, my boyfriend died suddenly. We had lived together for nine years and had known each other for more than ten.
I cannot seem to move on with the romantic end of my life. I’ve done both grief counseling and support groups, but I’m not letting go. Our relationship wasn’t perfect by any means but…
I’ve met several nice guys, some of whom have become good friends over the past five years, but there’s nothing there – no spark, no sizzle, no nothing. It’s like I’ve gone dead inside. I need a swift kick in the tush — care to volunteer?
I am so sorry for you. I am even sorrier to have to tell you that you are going to have to go deeper, to get yourself clear. And I don’t for a minute think you’ve been slacking. I’m just telling you the way it is, and here’s the astrology:
You have eight planets in either Virgo or Pisces. That’s virtually your entire chart. This means when there is a transit in the sky that affects Virgo and Pisces, you are going to be immensely impacted, for good or ill, depending on the what planet is transiting. You can compare yourself to someone who has one planet in Virgo. They will be affected, but you’ll be hit by a truck.
Now in this case, the transiting planet is Pluto, which moves very, very slowly. Pluto takes 240 years to transit the zodiac — which means that once it’s on you, it’s on you and it ain’t quick!
You can think of Pluto in terms of alchemy — where everything is thrown in a sealed container to boil, and boil, and boil. To boil alive, is what it feels like. And at the end of the boiling, what you get for your trouble is a gold nugget.
The entire process, and all that power, is contained within this small object that is yours to keep. And having survived this leaves you empowered. You hold that in your hand and in your heart, and there is a part of you that is now indestructible.
“Been to hell and back” is another way to say it and there is little I can do but tell where you are in this process. You’re almost done. Relatively. Because you’ve been cooking for five years already. More than anyone should have to endure, by the way. And you’ve got one more to go. One more year before Pluto clears the last degree of your last planet in these signs and this will begin to clear out… for real.
So how to deal? I have a few suggestions. The support groups are fine. You need to communicate! But beyond that, with the emphasis on the 9th house in your chart, I would be looking towards the spiritual world for perspective. Could be organized religion. Could be a guru type you stumble on.
Me? I play my God songs and sing at the top of my lungs in the car. Van Morrison has some. Hank Williams! Could be something more conventional. It doesn’t matter. I am talking about connecting with something larger. Prayer, in any form.
Secondly, I don’t know what the deal is around your house when it comes to your dead lover, but paying some attention here can also help. Are you holding on to his stuff? Fine with me if you are, but how do you feel about that? Is it good for you? Think about it. Perhaps you can get rid of most of the stuff, keeping just a few special things to set on a shelf as a shrine to honor him.
Alternately, if you have completely purged him, perhaps this was a mistake. Maybe you can go out and find some objects that reek of him and find a place for them in your house. The point being, if he is still in your heart, then he is still in your heart, and a real world representation of this might bring some peace.
Last, I highly suggest you cry. Cry and cry and cry and cry. Cry it out. Heave and cry and heave and heave and heave. And as the tears roll down your face, try to understand this is healing you. Feel the rhythm of your own sobs and allow it to soothe you. I think you understand.
You will be clear next year and you will make it through this one. Hang on, it’s downhill now.
Good luck and much love to you.
pictured: Pluto, Agostino Carracci, 1557