There are some fashion rights and wrongs that are so blatantly obvious that even straight men should be able to point them out to others. While this should be the case, I see the rules broken every single day. I am no fashion expert, but come on people, is it really that hard?
1. No matter how large your sense of nostalgia for the 60’s and/or Happy Days, it is never acceptable to visibly wear a comb in the back pocket of your pants. It’s really kind of funny, because the comb shows some sort of strange commitment to vanity while keeping it on your person make’s you look like a horse’s ass.
2. I know I have mentioned this before, but it always stands to be said again. If you are going to wear a tie then a short-sleeved shirt is out of the question. Unless you want to look like a Mormon whoring pamphlets door-to-door, I think it would be best to stay away from the short-sleeved dress shirt.
3. I have to hand it to the Mormons though; they know enough to NEVER wear plaid shirts with ties. What kind of messed up eye disease do you need to have to put on a plaid shirt and any color tie and look in the mirror and say, “Hot damn, I am so desirable in this, and my co-workers and superiors will have to take me seriously with this power outfit.”
4. Suspenders. Suspenders? Unless you are some sort of artistic eccentric, you will have a very tough time getting away with these. Hell, if they worked for everyone, cows would celebrate, as they weren’t being slaughtered to make belts. Unfortunately, I don’t think the animals are safe just yet.
5. Although they aren’t considered jeans, thus making them eligible for the work environment, your ratty corduroy pants with the shape from 1971 (bell) and the ridiculous stretch mark where you carry your wallet, should probably stay at home. Actually, I don’t know what you should do with them, but they should probably be removed from your home just in case you ever got the inkling to even wear them while doing yard work. Please do not let me catch you wearing these pants with a comb hanging out of the back pocket.
6. Although you don’t often see them on men anymore, one thing that a straight guy should be able to notice on a woman (or man) is the perm. This went out more than a few years ago now, and just based on men’s preferences in dating, it should be obvious that perms don’t work. You still qualify for the perm if you live in a trailer, watch Nascar, or think Geddy Lee is the greatest singer of all time. Even then, you should probably not broadcast these facts to the world with your selection in hairstyle.
Well, six isn’t a lot, but it is a damn good start. Let me know if you have some more. I, and the rest of our seemingly inept straight community would appreciate it.