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Stephen Colbert and Jameson Irish Whiskey: I Learn From The Master

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Comedy Central’s Stephen Colbert is perhaps the most successful self-promoter in the history of the human race. All others are but pale copies of his masterful manipulation of the cosmic realm.

When he wanted to run for president, he got Doritos to fund his campaign; likewise, Doritos footed the bill when he wanted to spend a week in Pennsylvania during the Democratic primary. All Colbert had to do was munch Doritos on his set for a few days. If Doritos hadn’t been in the tank for him, they could have demanded he appear on stage covered in chips tastefully pasted all over his body with scantily clad men and women artfully pulling one after another off and eating them. Now that would have been a reasonable trade-off.

He whined for a year to get an Apple iPhone… and they finally gave him one. His DNA is in space, he’s got a spider, an eagle, a worm, a lethal virus, a terrorist group (Colbert’s Commies), and the Dalai Lama’s first kid named for him. He even had his picture hung in the National Portrait Gallery in Washington D.C.

I don’t know what he promised Marvel Comics, but they’ve become enslaved by the Colbert hypnotic gaze. Those who thought his presidential campaign dead might be surprised to find that Spider-Man thinks it’s alive and well.

In the Amazing Spider-Man #573, “Spider-Man & Stephen Colbert Team Up,” comes the line, "I might be wrong, but I don't believe Spider-Man's really into endorsing anyone for the White House," stated Peter Parker. "It shouldn't matter what Spidey thinks of the guy; it's up to the public to decide if Colbert can handle all the great power and responsibility that being President entails."

And for those of you who think Obama really won the election, here’s Marvel’s take on it:

When he won two Peabodies and an Emmy (for best writing, not best show… neener, neener, neener,) he not only displays them endlessly, he demands to know if guests, such as authors who can’t win Emmys, had won any. Then he proudly points to his. (Since Colbert will never read this, I will say it was a well-deserved Emmy; it may be the best written comedy show on TV.)

Not finally, but enough is enough, his website, Colbert Nation, isn’t even part of Comedy Central’s site — it’s a stand-alone one. What chutzpah. What arrogance. What brilliant promotion of his ever-rising brand… the rat.

So why am I, you might ask, a humble scribe in search of an agent — while Colbert’s book, I Am America and So Can You, hits the best seller's list — railing against the unfairness of so many doing so such much for Colbert for so little?

Blame Jameson Irish whiskey. For many months, when I was an editor, frequent contributor, and commenter on Blogcritics (BC), a self-described “sinister cabal of superior writers,” my tagline was In Jameson Veritas. It followed every post, every comment. I praised the virtues of this fine whiskey time and time again.

And I, modest and self-effacing, never asked for a sou in return, whatever a sou is. Had Jameson offered to make me its international spokesperson, I would have gladly accepted. Had they sent me a case of Jameson, or even better, Middleton, the sine qua non (Latin for "the best shit in the world") of Irish whiskeys, I would have gratefully accepted.

Even an e-mail from some low-level lackey saying, “Hey, thanks for the free plugs, sucker,” would have at least demonstrated that they recognized my devotion to their brand.

But no, nothing, nada, nihilism.

And then, for reasons known only to a few medical specialists, I left the warm world of Blogcritics and returned to my humble cave in the mountains just outside D.C. Many months later, I decided to check out my old friends at BC, and, to my amazement, shock, chagrin — okay, I’ll cut down on the hysterics — I found that Jameson was actually advertising on the site.

They were spending money trying to push their liver-melting brand of fire water, and there was not even the least recognition that I had been responsible. (While I’m ranting again, let it be known that I didn’t receive a percentage from BC for their new revenue. That would have been a generous gesture, don’t you think?)

However, when the Jameson execs realized that their product was no longer being promoted frequently and freely — since I wasn’t there — they pulled their ads.

But now I return, albeit slowly to Blogcritics. The Curmudgeon-At-Large still ends his posts and comments with In Jameson Veritas, but, let me warn you Jameson, I am taking a page from the book of the Great Stephen Colbert. Nothing is for free anymore. Make me an offer, or I may begin using In Bushmills Veritas.

So there. The die is cast. The glove has been thrown down. The lamb is being led to the slaughter.

I think this is going to work… unless, of course, Jameson and Bushmills Irish whiskeys are made by the same brewer. If that’s the case, I’m screwed.

Hmm. I wonder if The MacCallan single-malt scotch whiskey is looking for an international spokesperson?

Curmudgeon-At-Large
In Jameson Veritas

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About Mark Schannon

Retired crisis & risk manager/communications expert; extensive public relations experience in most areas over 30 years. Still available for extraordinary opportunities of mind-numbing complexity. Life-long liberal agnostic...or is that agnostic liberal.
  • http://www.irishwhiskeynotes.com David

    “I think this is going to work… unless, of course, Jameson and Bushmills Irish whiskeys are made by the same brewer. If that’s the case, I’m screwed.”

    It’s a good plan, don’t worry. Jameson and Bushmills split in 2005 and are gearing up for fierce competition.

    I have to sympathise with you… I say plenty of nice things about their products on my site but I’ve never got even a sniff of free booze from Irish Distillers (makers of Jameson) :-)

  • http://www.parodieslost.typepad.com Mark Schannon

    David,

    O.k., we join forces & force them to bow before the might of our…computers. With the massive following we’ve developed, they’ll be trembling before our foil-like wit.

    Onward & downward.

    In…TBD…Veritas

  • Carolyn

    You might want to check your facts. Doritos did not pay a dime for Colbert’s Presidential Run or trip to Philadelphia. Their “sponsorship,” like many things on The Colbert Report, was just another meta joke.

  • http://drdreadful.blogspot.com Dr Dreadful

    As is Mark’s whole Jameson gig, Carolyn…

  • http://www.parodieslost.typepad.com Mark Schannon

    No, wait. Doritos not a sponsor??? What, are you next going to tell me there’s no Santa Claws?

    Oh Stephen, Stephen, Stephen, and I so wanted to be you when I grew younger.

    Carolyn…are you sure??? I mean, really sure? You’re not just playin’ with an old man, are you?

    Doc, hey, there’s a chance BC or Jameson will slip me a bottle or 12…

    In Jameson Veritas?

  • http://www.indyboomer46.blogspot.com Baritone

    Mark,

    First: I recently noticed that you had once again taken your seat before your keyboard and screen. Good to have you back. I hope things are going better for you.

    I understand your pain regarding Jameson. I have had a similar experience at my blog, only regarding General Mills’ Honey Nut Clusters cereal. (I know – we obviously live in very different worlds.) I have pushed and prodded GM to force Indy groceries into stocking “Clusters” again. As far as I have been able to determne, there is only one store in town still carrying them. They used to be everywhere; now they have nearly vanished. It is truly sad, tragic perhaps.

    I long to stroll down the cereal aisle of our local Kroger store and glance up to see that smiling little squirrel perched atop the word “Honey” on the front of a couple dozen “Clusters” boxes on the top shelf where I once always found them. But alas.

    I have long extolled the virtues of this unique blend of essentially tasteless multi-grain flakes mixed with “clusters” of what I presume to be a variety of non-descript nut fragments or more precisely, nut chips, or even nut dust. It’s not that they actually taste all that great. It’s just that I became enured, perhaps even addicted to them. I often feel the need for a “Clusters” fix.

    But General Mills just doesn’t get it. I have sent them a number of distressed emails. Once, someone had the temerity to inform me that the cereal had been discontinued! Can you imagine my horror? Later, another, presumably kinder soul informed me that Honey Nut Clusters had NOT in fact been discontinued, but rather, they were simply falling victim to the numbers game. The unseemly truth is that most groceries sell far more Fruit Loops and the like than anything resembling Honey Nut Clusters. Too bad I never developed a taste for Count Chocula.

    B

  • http://parodieslost.typepad.com Mark Schannon

    Baritone,

    Ah, it’s good to be back, thank you for remembering me from those glorious days of yesteryear. Oddly, I’m doing much better although scores of doctors, shamans, and midwives have labored mightily to determine what’s wrong–and come up empty handed. (A serious problem for midwives, you can imagine.)

    Anyway, I share your pain about Honey Nut Clusters. I, too, was enticed by their ads, so I went out to buy some. Unfortuntately, I had a brain fart & wound up buying Honey-something Cheerios, which I’ve fallen in love with.

    There was some health-Nazi cereal we liked–Muslix or something–by Kellog that Giant used to stock, but now they only have the Giant-brand version, which sucks.

    Supermarkets are all run by Republicrats, meaning that their only concern is their bottom line. Imagine, being concerned about a profit margin of 1-2%. Hell, I’d love to see my portfolilo gaining that much this year.

    Anyway, don’t knock Count Chocula. I haven’t tried it, but at least if you become addicted to it, you can be assured it’ll always be there.

    See you around the BC asylum.

    Curmudgeon-At-Large
    In Jameson Veritas

  • http://www.indyboomer46.blogspot.com Baritone

    Well, when going through the cereal aisle one is assaulted by numerous instances of “Honey” something or other. Or “Nut” something or other. Now I see a number of cereals claiming to have “clusters” or “bunches” of various things. I think Post now has a cereal called “Just Bunches.”
    They did away with the pretense of flakes. Who gives a crap about flakes? We just want the friggen bunches!

    Wasn’t it the boy in the Calvin and Hobbes cartoon who ate “Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs?”
    Damn, I wish they made those for real.

    As you may remember, I am a real estate appraiser. My business is, as one would expect, in the dumpers. In the over 22 years I’ve been doing it, I’ve never experienced anything like this. There have been ups and downs, but this time takes the cake.

    Of course, if you talk to Dave, he will recount for you how this is ALL the fault of the Democrats. I guess it’s best to just let him live in his fantasy world where conservatives are pure of heart and mind and faultless in their ideology.
    That may be, but they have proven to be totally inept at their jobs.

    BTW, glad to hear that you have gotten better from, well, whatever the hell it was that got you.

    Good to have your voice back here at BC.

    Midwives, huh? Hmmm.

    B

  • http://parodieslost.typepad.com Mark Schannon

    B,

    What do you have against Midwives? Some of my best friends were midwived. And they were just fine after years of intensive physical and mental therapy.

    Think you’re right about Calvin’s cereal. That brings back memories.

    Read Dave’s latest article in politics on the GM bailout. Except for a couple of gratituitous cracks at unions, it’s a very interesting & nonpartisan approach.

    I know he can come across as strident at times, unless we liberals, but there have been many surprising times when I’ve found myself in agreement with him. He’s got a first-class mind even if he often uses it to support the wrong idiotlogical issues, LOL.

    I’d think being an appraiser would still be lucrative these days…if painful. “Hey, buddy, I got good news and bad news. The good news is that your house appraised. The bad news is that it appraised for 25 percent of its former value.”

    We first tried selling our house five years ago…unusual house for No. VA–Victorian outside/contempory interior…then we tried again two years ago. Now we’re just going to wait this out unless we run out of money & have to sell.

    I hoping I’m ready to start looking for a job again…but what a time to be seeking employment, eh?

    Anyway, remember, if you have no hope, you have no fear.

    In Jameson Veritas

  • http://www.indyboomer46.blogspot.com Baritone

    Mark,

    There is virtually nothing for appraisers to do at this juncture. Traditionally, lenders would have appraisals done on homes that had been repossessed. However, the numbers are so high, they’ve given that up. Otherwise, there are few people brave enough and/or clean enough (creditwise) to venture into the market.

    I was in hopes that with the bail out that was supposedly to go, at least in part, toward buying out bad mortgages, that there would be a lot of work coming out of that. Now that the great minds in Washington have decided NOT to use any of the 700B for that purpose, I don’t know what’s likely to happen in the coming months.

    It seems that some of the worst predicitions of what could happen to the bail out dollars are coming to fruition. The banks, lenders and companies like AIG are sucking up the money and holding on to it rather than using it to ease the plight of individual mortgagors. I imagine the end result may be that the bail out will just make some fat cats fatter.

    I agree about Dave. The guy knows a great deal, and he has had a number of ideas that I more or less agreed with. I haven’t read his current piece. His penchant for casting the blame for about everything including the bad lens on the Hubble and Napoleon’s defeat at Waterloo on the Democrats is, to say the least, annoying. (Actually, it appears that at least part of the blame for Waterloo was Napoleon’s screaming, bloody hemorrhoids that prevented him from remaining mounted on his horse where he could observe the battle.)

    Generally, I’d say this is a rotten time to try to sell much of anything, leastwise a home. A few areas around the country have remained fairly immune to the ravages of the current downturn, but those are rare.

    We purchased our current home back in 1993 for around $123000. A few years ago I figured we could sell it for around $170000 to $175000. Now, I’m not sure we could get what we originally paid for it. This really sucks.

    Or – I may hope that I have no fear, but fear that I have no hope. {:-/

    B

  • http://www.indyboomer46.blogspot.com Baritone

    Mark,

    It just occured to me that one of the good things about posting over here in the “Culture” section is that we can talk about Dave and some of the other right wing kooks with relative impunity as few of them venture over here. :)

    B

  • http://drdreadful.blogspot.com Dr Dreadful

    You just have to make sure you don’t mention them in the first twenty words or so, so that they don’t see their names on the Fresh Comments page and mosey on over to see what’s what. ;-)

  • http://www.indyboomer46.blogspot.com Baritone

    Ah, yes. There’s tricks to every trade. :~)

    B

  • http://parodieslost.typepad.com Mark Schannon

    Now, now gentlemen, despite my new moniker, I am a firm believer in kindness towards those who haven’t seen the true light of liberalism…if I only knew what that meant.

    Come to think of it, we should set up a “liberal only” part of BC…by invitation only. Have a bunch of litmus tests–or is that litmi tests?–to determine who’s a real liberal.

    I wonder if any of us would pass, ROFL.

    B, agree about lousy time to sell anything. Even fine wine & fancy art ain’t getting the obscene prices of yesteryear…or was that yesterday.

    Just have to wait it out. Those mobile homes are looking mighty fine, as long as they’re not in some tornado ally.

    In Jameson Veritas

  • http://www.indyboomer46.blogspot.com Baritone

    Well, I live in tornado alley. One missed my house by about 3 city blocks a few years ago. But, hell, look what just happened out in LA. Something like 500 mobile homes went up in flames. Of course, the flames were fanned by near hurricane level winds.

    Actually, an all “liberal” arm of BC would likely be pretty boring stuff, don’tcha think? Could we refer to an all “conservative” arm as Anal Retents? Just a thought.

    B

  • http://parodieslost.typepad.com Mark Schannon

    Like anal retents. How about projectile orals for liberals?

  • http://www.indyboomer46.blogspot.com Baritone

    I guess we do occasionally hurl chunks.

    B

  • http://parodieslost.typepad.com Mark Schannon

    Hey, fair is fair. I wonder about moderates & libertarians.

    I’d suggest libertarians are Chronicus Diahreatus
    and moderates are Oral/Anal Ambidextrous.

    In Jameson Veritas

  • http://www.indyboomer46.blogspot.com Baritone

    That pretty well covers it.

    We liberals could also be termed “Vomitus Extrematitamus” – just to give it some of that future/past/plus perfect sense. (BTW – I failed high school Latin.)

    B

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