State of the Union – What America really wants to hear

I am sure that President Bush has a team of speech writers checking and double checking his State of the Union speech to be delivered this evening. It will be chockful of bi-partisan chit-chat, social security this, success in Iraq that, global freedom and democracy here, torturing terrorists there; but seriously, does anything the president has to say tonight affect me? Will there be even one nugget of palpable consequence uttered?

Don’t get me wrong, all that stuff is super important. Social security is a spiraling turd of cash getting flushed down the toilets of the past, present and future – and by golly, it needs to be fixed. The elections in Iraq went well, um, well if you don’t count blown up body parts – but hey, you gotta crack some eggs to make an omelett, right? My point here is, what can the President add that any coherent and cognizant American hasn’t already gleaned from CNN or NPR in the last 12 or so weeks since the election? NOTHING.

Why should I watch a regurgitation of what the President thinks, when so many pundits and bloggers have expressed it so much better, minus the synaptic misfirings and embarrassing gaffaws that are sure to plague the poor man.

Gossip – that would get my attention. Surely the CIA has some hidden cameras around the globe and we can catch a glimpse at what the people who pull the strings do when they don’t think anyone is watching:

Hamid Karzai reprimanding a member of his staff for his frequent indescretions with the local livestock.

And speaking of farm animals, Kim Jong Il giving the local swine population a “thorough” inspection, complete with “Squeal for me, I said squeeeeaaaal.”

Kofi Anan’s up to the minute checks on his “Oil For Money” Swiss Bank accounts.

Saddam Hussein being treated for crabs, for the fifth time.

Dammit, there are juicy global secrets out there and I want to hear them!!