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Star Wars III – The Spoilery Review

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Alienware High-Performance Systems

It’s May 19, and Star Wars III is released in Malaysia, so it is now time for my spoilery review!

So, be warned – this review will contain spoilers. The same for Eyeris’, Rolling Stone’s , Malaysia’s The Star’s , Roger Ebert’s and less-spoilery – Erna’s (who wants to kill Lucas for what he had done).

For those who have not watched – don’t go any further!! You were warned!

You know what I said in my non-spoilery review – it’s worth watching. The visual feast was top notch. The action was unrelenting. The nostalgia that is stirred up by cameos, references etc was fun. All this would probably wipe most fans’ resentment towards the atrocious script etc.

What I didn’t tell you was that while I enjoyed the space battles, Jedi fights and visual feast, I was mentally in agony from listening to the dialogue, witnessing the wooden acting and questioning the holey plot.

My grouses:
(1) Padme and Anakin has to be the most unconvincing lovers in the entire universe. I was still asking: “Why in the world are these two in love?” when the credits rolled.

(2) It’s uncanny how Hayden Christensen, Ewan McGregor and Natalie Portman lose their acting skills when they landed this gig. I enjoyed Hayden’s performance immensely in Shattered Glass, for one. I don’t even recognise the lad here!

(3) Padme’s death wins the “Lamest excuse to die” award. She doesn’t have the will to live anymore? Puh-lease! You’re talkin’ about a woman who was not only Queen of Naboo, but fought alongside Anakin in Episode II.

The Padme I grew to know wouldn’t give up so easily. I’d see her picking up the twins and raising them herself, while organising a rebellion to boot! But here, Lucas thinks it’s far more romantic (and you know how well he does romantic with the lines he gives our lovebirds) for her die of a broken heart. Someone shoot me already!

VADER1905.jpg(4) Yoda and Obi Wan seems strangely calm about the fact that the entire universe has gone upside down. Yoda: “Oh, let’s go into exile for a zonk amount of years.” Obi-Wan soon to be Ben-Kenobi: “Sure thing, bud.” But I’ll just let this slip and say that it’s Jedi training speaking.

(5) Anakin’s turn to the dark side was weak. One moment he’s turning Palpatine to the Jedi Council. The next moment he’s chopping Windu’s hand off and killing younglings (why can’t they just call them children)? I find it unconvincing. Maybe because I find his affection for Padme, which drove his decision, unconvincing.

Now, I still liked this movie, only because of these elements:
(1) Obi-Wan’s cry to Anakin: “You were supposed to be the chosen one!” I felt his agony then. For the first time in the trilogy, Ewan McGregor acted.

(2) I’m always a sucker for interior designs. Man, the cities of Coruscant etc were magnificent! All the alien landscapes were beautiful.

(3) Order 66. How chilling is that? For the clones to suddenly just belot (betray) and kill the Jedi who have come to trust them. Silly folks.

(4) I so love Obi Wan’s furry and scaly ride when he dispatched General Grievious. Oh yeah, how he got rid of Grievious was cool too. You don’t send a calvary to dispatch the meanest cyborg in the universe, you just send ONE Jedi. I find that awesome. ;)

(5) The ending takes the taco. When Luke’s foster parents held him and looked at the Tatooine skyline . Wah … it’s exactly like that scene when Luke was staring longingly at sunset in Ep IV.

(6) Nice that Bail Organa has Leia. I find that piece of continuity touching too.

(7) Palpatine is such a snake, that Dark Lord! Ian McDiarmid did a fantastic job if I might say so myself. Probably the only person who could act in the movie. Though he became campy when he became wrinkly.

(8) Yoda was right all along. Anakin was far too unstable and too insecure to be trained. But nobody listens to the old fogey.

I am just tortured by the thought of “What if”. What if Lucas had stepped back and let a real writer handle the script? Imagine what a brilliant gem Star Wars would’ve been. Not that he cares with the bazzilions he’s gonna make from the merchandising …

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  • http://www.blogspot.com Dean

    I was particularly struck by how little Natalie Portman had to do in this movie…she was supposed to be the most significant element of Anakin’s life – a contributing factor his breaking with the Jedi but she spent most of her time mooning around her penthouse. In additon, the character seemed to have little of the political acuman that she, as a Galactic Senator for gawd’s sake, would be expected to display. I was surprised she didn’t pick up on the whole Palpatine plotline.

    She was stronger in both of the first two films, in this one she was reduced to less of a presence then the digital backdrops.

    The only possible explanation a). for her falling for Anakin int he first place and b). her blatent and ongoing stupidity was that Anakin was using the Force to influence her…that might explain the wooden acting and the vaccuous expression!

  • TylerNewton

    Did you like these inconsistencies as well?

    1.) Did you love the part where Padme dies, thus making Leia’s line about REAL mother either senseless or the at very least altered?

    2.) Did love the part where Obi-Wan held both baby Luke abd baby Leia, but in Episode 5 he says “That boy is our last hope?” After the events of episode 3, how the hell does Obi-Wan FORGET about Leia?????

    Did you love how Episode 3 took liberties with the original trilogy? Do you love these inconsistencies?

  • will

    well well well,, it all comes to an end, what amazes me is how people always have to moan and bitch about the little details,, i wonder to myself how these same people can even bring themselves to like scifi, reality check, it’s not real,,lol,, ok. i’ve often had to fill in details with the ole imagination, remember that long lost jedi skill ;) when ya hed to actualy use your brain to fill in the missing bits, anyway thats enough of my rant, to the movie, action action action, from start to finish, with lots of heartbreaking moments, if you have a soul you understand, i think the movie came across with what it promised from day 1,a story,, and a good one at that ,, i’m gonna end this now cuz i could go on and on about how good it really is,, all 6 movies that is, but i feel the need to finish on this note,, everything you see, read, hear, in the movie,, it’s not real,, so go pick plot faults from your own “real” life before you go taking our fantasy world apart, leave it be,, it’s ment to get you talkin and thinking,, so there ya have it,, my pennies worth :D later