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St. Louis Cardinals Forego Opening Day to Decide New Pope

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St. Louis Cardinals’ Reggie Sanders seeks divine intervention.

Written by Dylan James

ST. LOUIS, Missouri (PoopyCaca.com) – Baseball in St. Louis is on hold as the Cardinals are making their way to Rome to take part in the election of a new pope.

“This is part of the responsibility you take on when you put on the Cardinals’ uniform,” said Cardinals Manager Tony LaRussa, who is heading the St. Louis contingent to Vatican City, along with slugger Albert Pujols, third baseman Scott Rolen, and catcher Yadier Molina.

“It’s not just about home runs, curveballs and stolen bases – it’s about scripture, catechism, communion, and the occasional election of a pope,” said LaRussa. “We’re just going to go to Rome, concentrate on the fundamentals, and hope for the best.”

A little-known section of Catholic doctrine, recently uncovered and translated by Da Vinci Code author Dan Brown, requires the Cardinals to forgo the start of their season and participate in the election of a new pope only when the team has lost the World Series the previous the year to the Boston Red Sox.

Catholic scholars had long dismissed the possibility of the St. Louis ball club participating in the “Conclave of Cardinals” appointment of a new pope, since the idea of the Red Sox winning a World Series – something that had not occurred since 1918 – was “as likely as the Earth revolving around the sun.”

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