The National Basketball Association is upon us!

Help! Get it off! Zach Randolph is crushing me!

Finally, after nearly four and a half months without it (seriously, I’ve had longer bowel movements) the NBA has returned to save us from another crappy World Series, a we-don’t-care-yet NHL regular season and a newly-pussified NFL halfway point where players aren’t allowed to tackle each other anymore.

The Boston Celtics are again opening up the season as one of the favorites for the crown. And, jinxes aside, I have to agree. Paul Pierce and Ray Allen are still Paul Pierce and Ray Allen. Sixty-five percent of Kevin Garnett isn’t quite as worrisome with Rasheed Wallace and Big Baby behind him on the depth chart. You could make an argument that Rajon Rondo is the third-best point guard in the nation after Chris Paul (one) and John Wall (two). Kendrick Perkins has evolved from Beast into Monstrosity. Perk single-handedly manhandled Dwight Howard in the playoffs last year and we would’ve gotten by the coachless Magic if it wasn’t for Hedo & ‘Shard. Thankfully, in retrospect we now know why we couldn’t defeat Orlando. Because THEY ALL DO STEROIDS!

Around the league nobody really made a giant leap forward, talent-wise.

The Lakers look to be considerably worse than last year’s version (Still good enough to win the conference though). They basically lost their third and fourth-best playoff performers. Shipping Trevor Ariza off to Houston for Ron “I-Can’t-Defend-Your-Best-Player-Anymore-Unless-You’re-Sacramento” Artest; and trading Contract Year/Single Man Lamar Odom for Got My Money/Battered Husband Lamar Odom. Way to go, losers. [You should hear the confidence oozing out of the bandwagoneers out here. Thank dear God we don't let the people of this state make any real decisions.]

The Bulls got rid of the one man who almost gunned us out of the playoffs and sent him to Detroit where he’ll fester like a stale Charlie Villanueva fart.

Article Author: Ethan Booker

Ethan Booker was born & raised in Holden, ME. A graduate of James Madison University, he now resides in Los Angeles, CA. He is patiently awaiting casting for the live-action adaptation of Battletoads. He will be reading for the part of 'Rash.'

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