World Cup Themed Vibrators Upset Oliver Kahn, Michael Ballack

One can never have enough sex in soccer, so I was giddy fired up amused to find that Beate Uhse, a German erotic retailer, has launched a line of vibrators (along with other World Cup-themed merchandise) featuring various international soccer stars.

Three in particular - Michael Ballack and Oliver Kahn of Germany, as well as English skipper David Beckham, are "represented" as Michael B, Ollie K, and David B... cute, huh? The red "Michael B" model is 16 cm long (6.3 inches) and costs £50; its ad claims: "The players' muscular torsos arouse women’s fantasies. They dream about spending an hour between the sheets with their fantasy man."

But you know something? They're right! There is no way to blame Beate Uhse for marketing a vibrator in this fashion. No matter what you think about soccer players [if you're American male, something ending in -ussy is might come to mind], they have incredible bodies, great legs, and thanks to their intensity, never fail to impress in the bedroom... at least not that I've found. Plus, their extraordinary physical conditioning ensures a certain Energizer Bunny-type quality that leaves one worn out day after day. Associating a product with these types of men (especially when marketing to European women) is a genius move by the sex chain. Trouble is, Ballack, a recent Chelsea signing from Bayern Munich, and German keeper Kahn are seeking injunctions on the product.

According to Kahn's laywer: "This is a clear violation of image rights. We will take action." Ballack's lawyer agreed, claiming that it was an objection to his client's honor.

Pure bollocks, I say.

No soccer player has honor. "Honorable soccer player" sits in the same realm of oxymorons as military intelligence and jumbo shrimp. And while they may get on like diving, flopping, crying "gentlemen" on the pitch, they're a bunch of twisted, dysfunctional slags off it. So all I can assume is Kahn and Ballack's injunction isn't the result of a damaged sense of honor. This is a pursuit that revolves solely around money and reputation. The simple fact is that their precious egos are bruised by being associated with a 6.3" (16 cm) piece of work; a size that is more than sufficient for a good time.

Article Author: Flash Warner

Flash Warner spends her day as a speed and conditioning coach for a random university, which affords her with many hours of free time to make shallow, fairly obvious observations on life and sport.

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